Good insults

I don’t know if Heaven is the place for insults… But a funny one can make you laugh, which is good for you.

Andras said in the T. May thread in Hell, “... by the end, Maggie was positively Dagenham. (Two stops beyond Barking).” I’m still laughing at that.

In the Washington Post the other day, someone - must have been a Southerner - remarked that, “…that boy’s cornbread ain’t baked in the middle.”

And my favourite from the immortal Molly Ivins, concerning a Texas politician, “If his IQ were any lower they’d have to water him twice a day”.

Any other good ones? (But they have to be funny)
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Comments

  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    I like the classic Irish one, of any particularly unimpressive individual: ‘The woman that rared him would drown nothing’.

    Oh, and I discovered the other day that ‘culchie’ is the Irish equivalent of ‘teuchter’ (both refer to Simple Country Folk - but not in their presence).
  • BelisariusBelisarius Admin Emeritus
    Some Performance Evaluation Insults:
    • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
    • Has delusions of adequacy.
    • He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
    • If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
  • Baptist TrainfanBaptist Trainfan Shipmate
    edited March 12
    Slightly different, but the man who carved my mother's gravestone is called Teucer (that's his forename - most unusual!)
  • LeRocLeRoc Shipmate
    Firenze wrote: »
    I like the classic Irish one, of any particularly unimpressive individual: ‘The woman that rared him would drown nothing’.
    What does the verb 'to rare' mean?
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    edited March 12
    H.L. Mencken on the relative cultural merits of Christian sects...

    "Picture the most ignorant, uneducated Catholic you can. Now, imagine he was a protestant."

    That's from memory. I tried to find the original on-line, but to no avail. I thought it might be from this short essay, but apparently not. (That essay is worth a look, if you like religious insults.)

  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    LeRoc wrote: »
    Firenze wrote: »
    I like the classic Irish one, of any particularly unimpressive individual: ‘The woman that rared him would drown nothing’.
    What does the verb 'to rare' mean?

    Past tense of "rear"?
  • LeRocLeRoc Shipmate
    mousethief wrote: »
    Past tense of "rear"?
    Hm I guess so. I have to admit that as a non-native speaker of English, some jokes on this page are a bit difficult for me to get. But I can also imagine that it would feel slightly awkward to explain a joke.
  • HedgehogHedgehog Shipmate
    I've always had a fondness for an insult from a Spider-Man comic. Spoken as if praise: "I used to think that you didn't have the brains of an avocado. Now I think you do."
  • Jengie JonJengie Jon Shipmate
    Rumour has it that teachers in Sheffield used to refer to certain children as 'Castletons'.

    Castleton is a village in the Peak District, it is picturesque but in a valley that ends in Mam Tor. The only sensible entry to the valley by vehicle* is from the other end from another delightful village called 'Hope'.


    *Yes I have used Winnats Pass and I am sticking by what I said.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    One of my favourites comes from the world of cricket where the art of sledging is well-honed. When Phil Tufnell was coming out to bat once, an Australian fielder quipped to him: "Tuffers, lend us your brain, I'm trying building an idiot."

    Though for more modern insults, I would direct you to Game of Thrones and the one-liners delivered by the character known as The Hound (NSFW).
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    mousethief wrote: »
    LeRoc wrote: »
    Firenze wrote: »
    I like the classic Irish one, of any particularly unimpressive individual: ‘The woman that rared him would drown nothing’.
    What does the verb 'to rare' mean?

    Past tense of "rear"?

    I should perhaps have put *reared in a footnote.

  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    Said of a man's toupee: "I've got a better rug than that on the floor of my car."
  • Now I recall the author of the "Left Behind" books being described by an unsympathetic reviewer as a right arse.
  • balaambalaam Shipmate
    Now I recall the author of the "Left Behind" books being described by an unsympathetic reviewer as a right arse.

    Not the left arse?

    Personally I'd go for complete arse.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    I'm rather partial to "One more brain-cell, and he'd be an amoeba".
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    Doesn't have the brainpower God gave rocks.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    Helen of Troy had the face that launched a thousand ships -- but he has a face that would stop a thousand clocks!
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    When arguing online: Congratulations, you just failed the Turing Test.
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    Shakespeare: "I'll beat thee, but I would infect my hands." (Timon of Athens)
  • PigwidgeonPigwidgeon Shipmate
    Lyda wrote: »
    Shakespeare: "I'll beat thee, but I would infect my hands." (Timon of Athens)
    I have a coffee mug covered with Mr. Shakespeare's very clever insults. Fifty of his gems can be found here.

  • MooMoo Kerygmania Host
    My favorite Shakespeare insult is;
    Sell when you can. You are not for all markets.
  • Your flaws are fractal. Even your flaws have flaws.
  • DonLogan2DonLogan2 Shipmate
    "I hazard a guess that you are not circumcised; you`re a complete p****!"

    Hopefully I won`t be dragged to hell by furious masculists for using male genitalia as an insult.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    When my father was in his final years of work, the Japanese parent company of his employer replaced the CEO with a person not held in high regard by the employees. Behind his back, he was known as the chocolate teapot.

    When my father retired, he was presented with a ceremonial teapot. His parting words were: "Every time I look at this teapot, I'll be reminded of you."

    Everyone apart from the CEO knew exactly what he was saying.
  • PigwidgeonPigwidgeon Shipmate
    Moo wrote: »
    My favorite Shakespeare insult is;
    Sell when you can. You are not for all markets.

    I just saw "As You Like It" this past weekend. The audience cracked up at that one.
  • "Did you have a brain tumour for breakfast?" (from the 1989 movie, Heathers)
  • tclunetclune Shipmate
    Just about anything by Churchill. One of my favorites is, "He's a humble man, with much to be humble about."
  • BelisariusBelisarius Admin Emeritus
    edited April 15
    “He wants to make a profit from Learning—give him a penny.”

    —Euclid
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Moo wrote: »
    My favorite Shakespeare insult is;
    Sell when you can. You are not for all markets.

    That too is rather like an Irish expression: ‘She’s getting past her market’.

    A Disapproving Remark my mother wont to pass on immodest dress: ‘If that neckline was any lower, you could see the tops of her stockings’.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    Speaking of movie one-liners, Elizabeth Taylor's quip from The Mirror Crack'd:

    There are two things I don't like about you: your face.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    Firenze wrote: »
    ‘If that neckline was any lower, you could see the tops of her stockings’.

    In a similar vein, said of a man wearing tight trousers: "If those pants were any tighter, you could tell his religion."
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    If she had one more facelift, she'd have a beard.
  • NenyaNenya Shipmate
    Groucho Marx - "I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception."
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    As a child, whenever I offered to help my dad with any DIY, his refrain was always the same: you only smell strong.
  • BelisariusBelisarius Admin Emeritus
    edited March 14
    Elinor agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition.

    --Sense and Sensibility
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    And of course there's Winston Churchill's reputed rejoinder to a lady MP who accused him of being "disgustingly drunk": "'My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Doctor: Your problem is you’re stupid.
    Patient: I demand a second opinion!
    Doctor: OK. You’re ugly as well.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    I’m not saying that you’re a complete failure; just that Theresa May would like you to join her cabinet to make everyone else look good.
  • Nick TamenNick Tamen Shipmate
    mousethief wrote: »
    If she had one more facelift, she'd have a beard.
    Which somehow reminds me of Raymond Chandler: "From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away."

  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    If she had any more whiskers she could brush her teeth with her chin.
  • PigwidgeonPigwidgeon Shipmate
    Sipech wrote: »
    I’m not saying that you’re a complete failure; just that Theresa May would like you to join her cabinet to make everyone else look good.

    We could use that on this side of the Pond as well.


  • Book reviews are a mine of good insults, and the New York Times ran an article a few days ago on their own bad ones: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/09/books/scathing-reviews-classic-books.html

    My favourite review (I can't remember where it came from) was, "If you really must read this book, borrow the library copy. Don't encourage the author by buying it".
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    Classic: Somewhere there's a village missing its idiot. They called. They want you back.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Not forgetting Dorothy Parker (?) ‘This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force’.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    One from my youngest brother, "when it comes to brainwashing he would just need a quick dip".

    The bloke next door drove for a courier company called sub 60, on seeing his van parked on the lawn another brother asked, "Why does Scott have his IQ printed on his van?
  • DonLogan2DonLogan2 Shipmate
    When you were born the midwife took one look and slapped your mother!

    If brains were gunpowder you wouldn`t have enough to blow your hat off
  • MooMoo Kerygmania Host
    Firenze wrote: »
    Not forgetting Dorothy Parker (?) ‘This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force’.

    Her book review column was called "The Constant Reader" Her review of A.A. Milnes' Pooh books was titled, "Tonstant Weader Fwowed Up."

    Someone's review of a performance of King Lear had the line, "He played the king all evening as if he were afraid someone would play the ace

  • An irascible high school teacher's favourite insult was "When the Lord gave out brains you thought he said trains and you missed yours."
  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    Of a football team it was said that they were "Ten years ahead of their time - 30 year olds playing like 40 year olds".
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