Chasing the black dog

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  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    I'm so sorry.
  • So sorry to hear this @Doone. I will keep you and the families in my prayers.
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    {{ Doone }} {{ Lamb Chopped }} {{ fineline }}

    {{ Alex }} {{ Zappa }} {{ Thomasina }} {{ Huia }}

    {{ all here; anyone I've accidentally missed (sorry); all struggling }}
    Hypomania does have its positive aspects; it can be quite fun as the world is so alive, and I definitely would miss it. It can also be quite tiring and heavy on the wallet (addictive behaviours are common in bipolar disorder).
    I know what you mean. I tend to be more higher than lower, on average, but I think the lows are lower.

    I realise it's different for everyone, but I am, in some way, enjoying my current elevated mood. Particularly on my daily walks in the woods, by the farms or by the river* -- everything seems enhanced. I must look like a right idiot staring intently at either the hills in the distance or looking up a tree with a bird on it or smiling at a cute calf on a farm just wandering around or water rushing over some small rapids and that oh-so-satisfying sound, with a big grin on my face.

    Oh well. I'm waiting til they open up the windfarm again under lesser COVID restrictions and I can stand under one of the turbines and look up, watch, and listen to that "whoosh". I realise you may think I need to be committed, but (some) sounds and movements calm me; particularly repetitive ones. Don't call the medics in white coats yet. :wink:

    But as you write Heavenlyannie, other parts of it are definitely troublesome. And need to be monitored.


    * I live on the more "rural" side of the river of my city
  • ThomasinaThomasina Shipmate
    Oh, I can understand the love of repetitive "whoosh", Climacus! I love, and find solace in the "Swoosh and backwash" of waves onto a sloping shingle shore. Not mighty waves, but not a trickle, either, just a breaking wave onto the shingle, and then the backwash down the slope, taking all the little stones with it. Then the breaking of a wave again, and so on and on. Rhythmic and stress-relieving.

    Unfortunately I don't live by the sea, so I have to shut my eyes and imagine it. It helps a bit when I feel I'm trying to fight my way out of a black box!
  • Climacus wrote: »

    I realise it's different for everyone, but I am, in some way, enjoying my current elevated mood. Particularly on my daily walks in the woods, by the farms or by the river* -- everything seems enhanced. I must look like a right idiot staring intently at either the hills in the distance or looking up a tree with a bird on it or smiling at a cute calf on a farm just wandering around or water rushing over some small rapids and that oh-so-satisfying sound, with a big grin on my face.

    Oh well. I'm waiting til they open up the windfarm again under lesser COVID restrictions and I can stand under one of the turbines and look up, watch, and listen to that "whoosh". I realise you may think I need to be committed, but (some) sounds and movements calm me; particularly repetitive ones. Don't call the medics in white coats yet. :wink:

    But as you write Heavenlyannie, other parts of it are definitely troublesome. And need to be monitored.


    * I live on the more "rural" side of the river of my city
    I find hypomania in the first days of spring is wonderful; all those beautiful colours and sounds erupting around me. It’s a recognised phenomenon that spring triggers hypomania (mad March here in the UK). And the rustling of the leaves in autumn, with the feeling of the wind blowing past. I know exactly what you mean!
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    edited May 11
    Thank you both. I don't feel as odd. :)

    Thanks Heavenlyannie for "mad March": I'd heard it, but didn't quite understand. "Silly September" for us on the other side of the planet???

    I think autumn (now for us) triggers me a bit more. I like (quite morbid possibly) the descent into some stillness and bareness.

    I looked up for short video I took underneath the turbines, and one from a windmill in the next large-ish [not large compared to Christchurch, Huia - ~4,800 he he] town to the west (the last before the sea) where they mill flour and you can go inside and up the floors. A tremendous "racket", but "rhythmic and stress-relieving" as you wrote Thomasina. And, yes: the ocean. I grew up near enough to it for regular summer trips, and when I moved inland I always tried to take a trip to it when I went back home or visited friends.
  • Adding my prayers to the others for Doone. I’m so sorry.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Thank you all, much appreciated!
  • Simon ToadSimon Toad Shipmate
    Deep peace of the running wave to you Climacus.
  • I have a peculiar event to narrate to you, folks.
    I was out walking with Child C yesterday, and noticed a peculiar feeling. It was, it transpired, actual, genuine, happiness. It lasted about half an hour. Honestly I can’t remember when I was last happy for more than a few minutes at once - probably months.
    Lest I get too ahead of myself, the usual anxiety and low level irritation that is my mental landscape returned this morning, but still.
    Crikey.

    I hope this doesn’t sound preachy, or showoffy, or that awful social media memey “hey look, I’ve been happy, so you can be too”. That’s not my intention. I just wanted to share this rare and lovely thing with people who understand its rarity and loveliness.
  • That is wonderful, Jthe 9th. I find walking outside very therapeutic and think it should be prescribed more often.
  • ThunderBunkThunderBunk Shipmate
    My black dog has been circling and growling for a little while now. He is getting closer and louder. Part of me feels I need him; part feels like I need to flee.
  • Sorry to hear that, ThunderBunk. Do you have anyone who you can talk to about it? Or mechanisms you usually use to cope? Obviously the current state of affairs makes everything so much more difficult, doesn’t it.
    Prayers for you.
    Annie
  • Sorry to hear it, Thunderbunk. I second all the things HA says.
    Sending you best wishes and prayers from an internet random.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Praying for you @ThunderBunk 🕯
  • ThunderBunkThunderBunk Shipmate
    Thank you, everyone. I hadn't realised how close the beast was getting but suddenly my ankles felt nibbled.....
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    ... would a bucket of cold water do the trick 😉! 🕯
  • Lily PadLily Pad Shipmate
    A swift kick?

    I like hearing you describe that quick burst of a little-known feeling of happiness. I've experienced the same. Sometimes getting yourself out into a situation where you have felt it before can set yourself up to know it again. I have done that many times when I didn't feel like it or know why I was craving it because it seemed so pointless. We're to have a beautiful sunny warm day today and I feel like having an adventure of some sort but that is pretty hard in current times. Will see what else I can come up with.
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    Wonderful to feel that, Jemima. Thank you for sharing -- a joy to know a sense of joy and peace can be found unexpectedly.

    {{ Thunderbunk }} : may a leash of some sort keep it at bay.
  • Gah... my anxiety is not doing well right now. Actually no, my anxiety is fine, thriving even, it's me that's not doing well. I'm an argumentative sod at the best of times but the last couple of days? Yep... what a mess. Sorry to everyone who had to witness that strewn across Purgatory and Hell.
  • Been there, anxiety can just blind you to everything around yet give us an obsessive focus. I have a friend who has stonking rows when manic, much to the confusion of the kind people trying to help her (and attempting to reason with her; I’ve advised them to step back with that approach as it won’t work and wait quietly instead).
    One of the reasons I seldom post in purgatory is that I find the engagement stressful - I’m naturally conciliatory so avoid conflict as I find it upsetting - but I can well see how someone can get sucked in to an argument and find it difficult to let go. I became obsessive and anxious about Coronavirus at the end of January (I lecture in health theory and was very aware of the impending pandemic) and had to take some time away from the internet, limiting which sites I visited and what I was allowed to discuss, as it became information overload and took over my thoughts.
    🕯prayers for you
    Annie
  • Simon ToadSimon Toad Shipmate
    I have recently known anxiety that causes me to lash out verbally at those around me, usually co-workers and bosses. Thankfully one of the things I scream allot is "THIS IS NOT NORMAL FOR ME" and "I AM FEELING ANXIOUS AND BEHAVING LIKE AN IDIOT". Seriously, when I am just one step back from full on, I do this. It really helps but I suspect that is because I am a known quantity at work and my behavior really noticeably changes. Like I'm usually arrogant, but I'm nice arrogant, not shouty arrogant.

    Thank God for drugs and counselling, and the patience and forbearance of people around me. I can be a vicious bastard.
  • Simon ToadSimon Toad Shipmate
    Fortunately, I find engaging with the clients soothing and relaxing, a break from difficult life, perhaps because our interactions are quite patterned, in part because of communication issues. I don't know what I would do if I eviscerated a client like I have done to others.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    What a horrible situation, @Simon Toad. Praying your anxiety recedes very quickly 🕯.
  • Simon ToadSimon Toad Shipmate
    The situation is almost completely resolved, but I am lucky that I am a known quantity at work. The new manager has backed right off. Also, there are no staff meetings because of Covid. I was particularly triggered easily there.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Good news, @Simon Toad
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    edited May 25
    Good news indeed, ST.

    {{ Arethosemyfeet }} : I hope the anxiety is lessening. One of the big revelations to me was when a psychologist pointed out the connection between my heightened anxiety and argumentativeness. I had associated anxiety solely with fear and withdrawing, and didn't understand why I was so easily frustrated [like Heavenlyannie I'm usually (not always) conciliatory and withdrawn, especially when things get heated]. I still struggle with it, but the knowledge was some help. I hope your own self-knowledge is a help also.
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    Just dropping in to say I hope all are doing okay.
  • Hi Climacus - hope you are well too.
    While my bipolar disorder seems stable, the fatigue from my post-viral (covid) illness is getting me down. A couple of days ago I felt myself descending into the slough of despond but I’ve managed to pick myself up and am using my research studies as a distraction. I need to find a good balance of managing my symptoms and not becoming obsessed by them - I’m getting better at it.
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    Sorry to hear the fatigue got you down; though great to read you could use a distraction and that you're getting better at managing your symptoms.

    I understand the need for balance -- the last few weeks I let my mania get the better of me a few times. It is a constant learning experience.
  • la vie en rougela vie en rouge Circus Host, 8th Day Host
    Can I channel Marvin the robot for a minute? I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. <Marvin the robot>

    Also my employer is a bastard.

    :bawling:
  • Can I channel Marvin the robot for a minute? I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. <Marvin the robot>

    Also my employer is a bastard.

    :bawling:

    I can well identify with both of those issues *hugs*.
  • HeavenlyannieHeavenlyannie Shipmate
    edited June 15
    Can I channel Marvin the robot for a minute? I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. <Marvin the robot>

    Also my employer is a bastard.

    :bawling:
    Hugs to you lver, it must be so stressful at the moment (and I have a Marvin t shirt with that sentiment on it). Are you getting a lawyer involved as you mentioned before?
    Do make sure you get supportive people around you.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Hugs and prayers @la vie en rouge 🕯
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    {{ la vie en rouge }}
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Sending a big virtual hug, La Vie.
  • How awful!
  • Golden KeyGolden Key Shipmate
    {{{{{{{All of us, and anyone else with similar issues}}}}}}}

    Life As It Currently Is (tm)--pandemic; racial injustice, and the way that's playing out; US gov't and that angry guy in the pale house; and a whole lot of other stuff--is getting me down. Depression kicking up; reality feels unreal. Isolation. Due to ongoing health problems, I'm usually pretty isolated; but the quarantine has added new layers to that. Etc.

    lver--I have experience with nightmare bosses, and I know what it can do to a person. Please do what you can to gently take care of yourself, ok?
  • Simon ToadSimon Toad Shipmate
    Work problems are among the worst sort. I shan't enumerate the reasons. La Vie, you always seem to be a sensible person, and one who has a wicked way about you of the good variety. You seem the sort of person with whom one might exchange a conspiratorial smile. I am sorry to hear that you are having troubles.

    GK. Lay your burdens down and rest in tranquility, sister. I like Psalm 131 for times when the world overwhelms me. It's short, so here it is in full (esv)

    O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
    my eyes are not raised too high;
    I do not occupy myself with things
    too great and too marvelous for me.
    2 But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child is my soul within me.

    3 O Israel, hope in the Lord
    from this time forth and forevermore.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    The Psalms always have something helpful, don't they?
  • la vie en rougela vie en rouge Circus Host, 8th Day Host
    They do. Thanks for that.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    A good one for me to remember as well, @Simon Toad, thank you.
  • Golden KeyGolden Key Shipmate
    Thx, Simon Toad. :)
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    edited June 19
    {{ Golden Key }}

    {{ la vie en rouge }}

    And for all.

    I found myself getting really angry this week. Really angry. Over nothing of consequence. Thanks be to God it's all over and I seem calmer. May get my bloods checked sooner than my regular 3-monthly check. But all is good.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Prayers for you all 🕯
  • Glad it’s settling down Climacus - I hope it stays that way.
    Praying for all on this thread 🕯
  • Simon ToadSimon Toad Shipmate
    Oh Climacus, I hate when that happens. I get really down on myself. It's often a spur for a short bout of counselling. The trouble is that by the time the appointment rolls around, things have usually settled!

    I'm in the middle of an anxiety thing right now - last three or four days. I'm trying to do what the counselor says but can't quite manage to observe my anxiety passively at the moment.
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    Thank you both. Counselling sounds like a plan...if only to get ways to deal with it...or prevent it getting to a worrying stage. I usually only seek it out when I'm depressed.

    {{ Simon Toad }} : my thoughts, prayers and best wishes for the anxiety.

    And prayers for all.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Praying for you both, @Simon Toad and @Climacus 🕯🕯. I hope the black dog loses himself very quickly!
  • Simon ToadSimon Toad Shipmate
    Rapid cycler here. Very bad yesterday, in the morning in particular,but I'm lucky to work with people with disabilities and they always cheer me up. Hopefully, the cycle will be in abeyance for a while now.

    Resisting making a Tour de France joke...
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