Chasing the black dog

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  • Sympathies from me. I seem to be currently slightly manic, probably not helped by having a rather intense online conference this week, which brought up a conflict on inclusivity and disability in policy at work (a subject that touches nerves, disability sometimes seems to be not treated as seriously as other inequalities). I think for a couple of days I will be limiting my use of the internet to give my brain a break.
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    I can definitely sympathise with that. I've just done so.

    Hope you are feeling less manic Heavenlyannie.

    And best wishes to all.
  • Love and prayers to all those posting here. I hope the work thing is better LVER, and Heavenlyannie’s fatigue is improving.
    I am fairly well. Have had a few lost OCD hours of the “check an email 87,000 times” but it’s not been too awful, and it’s an hour here and there, not an evening lost, which it was earlier in the year.
    And belatedly, I wanted to say yes and thank you to all those who posted about irritability, argumentativeness and anxiety. I’ve never been backward in coming forward, but I had 2 blazing rows at church last year which with hindsight were anxiety fuelled, at least in severity. I still cringe when I think about them. I wish I’d known about the anxiety and irritability thing years ago.
  • me too. It's a weird realization to come to, so many years on.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    I find the ‘bubbling anxiety just below the surface’ is getting more prevalent for me at the moment, compounded by my usual coping strategies being off limits because of lockdown. Praying for us all trying to manage our mental health 🙏.
  • I've been good these past few weeks, although 5 covid tests suggests I'm both a careful disability support worker and a little bit of a hypochondriac. Good hypochondria...
  • Simon Toad wrote: »
    I've been good these past few weeks, although 5 covid tests suggests I'm both a careful disability support worker and a little bit of a hypochondriac. Good hypochondria...

    Or you really enjoy having your sinus swabbed. :neutral:
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    You would have to be seriously kinky to enjoy that. :confounded:
  • Huia wrote: »
    You would have to be seriously kinky to enjoy that. :confounded:

    It takes all sorts, like the lady I encountered on a gaming forum who claimed there was nothing kinky at all about her hobby of having people insert large steel hooks into the flesh of her back and legs and use them to suspend her via ropes from trees.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Sorry, Arethosemyfeet, but that really made me cringe - full-on, with an actual Sharp Intake of Breath. :fearful:

    That's beyond kinky and out the other side.
  • Piglet wrote: »
    Sorry, Arethosemyfeet, but that really made me cringe - full-on, with an actual Sharp Intake of Breath. :fearful:

    That's beyond kinky and out the other side.

    You didn't inadvertently stumble on the thread with the photos. :anguished:
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Stop it!!!!! :flushed:
  • Beyond silent prayers for the woman's mental and physical health, perhaps we could move on from that story? We're trying to attend to our *own* mental health, after all.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Quite right, GK - my apologies for the distraction!

    Prayers as ever ascending for all who are plagued by a Beast, black or otherwise.
  • OK, so... I have a formal diagnosis for the BD's b*stard cousin, I have a prescription, and I have 1/2 dozen CBT sessions with online tools lined up. Not holding out too much hope, but...
  • HeavenlyannieHeavenlyannie Shipmate
    edited August 2020
    OK, so... I have a formal diagnosis for the BD's b*stard cousin, I have a prescription, and I have 1/2 dozen CBT sessions with online tools lined up. Not holding out too much hope, but...
    I hope the treatment goes well and you feel better soon. I was diagnosed with manic depression over 20 years ago and my GP was reluctant to refer for therapy. After a period on medication I taught myself CBT type management (I was a nurse) and now am self-managing. You may feel much better on medication rather than struggling - I hope it soon kicks in.
  • Thank you. Doing something about things [anxiety] was well overdue!
  • HeavenlyannieHeavenlyannie Shipmate
    edited August 2020
    Many people don’t understand how debilitating anxiety is. I’ve had a stressful few months (covid in March, then post viral syndrome which has just started to improve) and appear to have a mild depression at present. Being bipolar, anxiety can hit me with either mania or depression but often when I’m moving between the two. These last few weeks have been a nightmare as my youngest was waiting for GCSE results - the usual anticipation anxiety on top of the depression, then the government mess up, then the actual results, then the enrolments and now waiting for confirmation of place (selective sixth form colleges in Cambridge as we have the top U.K. sixth form college). I feel like I’ve been on edge for ages and can’t concentrate or get any work done or relax. But I know it will pass. I am feeling so tired at present.
  • @Heavenlyannie as far as I know, all I have is the anxiety but that's how I've been feeling for about five months. It's totally exhausting: the focus swings around between a small repertoire - in my case lover in Chicago, no singing, no church, work gatecrashing my flat, all of life moving online - and the hold of anxiety tending to tighten rather than loosen. It's no fun at all. And yes, overwhelming tiredness is the result for me as well.
  • Schroedingers CatSchroedingers Cat Shipmate, Waving not Drowning Host
    @Heavenlyannie The ups and downs of this year have played havoc with my head, so I have huge sympathy. There seems to be no end to the chaos. :hug:
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    I suspect that's the case for most of us, even those of us lucky enough not to have (official) Black Beasts.

    If I stop to think how long it might be before I find a job (assuming that I ever do), I find myself feeling very despairing, and wondering why anyone would want to employ a 58-year-old with a great gaping hole in her career path. It's certainly not helped by the economic doom and gloom already caused by the pandemic, and about to be considerably exacerbated by the clusterf*ck that is Brexit.
  • Keeping a strict regular routine is very important for managing my bipolar and I’ve worked from home by myself in peace and quiet for 12 years. So my current problem is the opposite of some of you; for the last 5 months I’ve shared that space with 3 other people - a sixteen year old and two adults, all of whom have rather different personalities and interests to myself (I’m surrounded by male techies!). I so desperately want my space back and some peace and quiet.
  • HeavenlyannieHeavenlyannie Shipmate
    edited August 2020
    Piglet wrote: »
    If I stop to think how long it might be before I find a job (assuming that I ever do), I find myself feeling very despairing, and wondering why anyone would want to employ a 58-year-old with a great gaping hole in her career path. It's certainly not helped by the economic doom and gloom already caused by the pandemic, and about to be considerably exacerbated by the clusterf*ck that is Brexit.

    ((Piglet))

    Every year I have a couple of students your age, studying for a variety of reasons. Some want career changes or progression, some have retired and need something to occupy their time, others are taking the opportunity to do something they want to do. All of them are capable regardless of their age. Is there something you have always wanted to do, work or study wise? Now might be the time to look at new horizons, perhaps some training.
    I’m 51 and yesterday I was reflecting on how when I started nursing over 30 years ago the retirement age for female nurses was 55. Obviously this was based on a ward nurse being knackered by 55 but still; I don’t feel anything near like retiring. My second career has just begun to bloom, I’ve increased my teaching recently and started a doctorate. I’ve got at least 10 years in me still, probably 15-20. Several of my colleagues are in their 70s.
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    edited August 2020
    Best wishes Piglet and Bene Gesserit.

    Heavenlyannie, SC and ThunderBunk: I hope the anxiety and storms in the head lessens for you.

    I am in the middle of anxiety also. I've just upped the meds after seeing the doctor, and am waiting for them to make it more bearable. I'm terrified to go work or talk to people...I just want to chuck it all in and run away. Though with Covid there are precious few places to run to! It's noon Sunday and I'm just sitting here, trying to distract myself with books or podcasts. Which help here and there at least.
  • Oh, that isn’t a good place to be Climacus- praying for you and all who are anxious.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    {{{Climacus}}}
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    @Climacus 🕯I hope this passes very soon!
  • 🕯🙏🏼 @Climacus. May this soon pass.
  • @Climacus I find podcasts great when anxiety swells. I like No Such Thing As A Fish.
  • Golden KeyGolden Key Shipmate
    edited August 2020
    [{{{{{{{All of us, and everyone}}}}}}}

    Re work: I wonder if temp (temporary employment) agencies are handling online work now? You might check them out.

    I used to do a lot of temping, so a couple of tips:

    --Sometimes, a job may last a couple of hours; others, for years.

    --Jobs can be cancelled at the last minute, through no fault of your own.

    --Don't expect their client to hire you permanently. Usually doesn't happen.

    --Technically, you work for the agency, not the client. If a client tells you directly they want to hire you, you need to tell the agency. Per contract, the client has to pay a fee, and you have to be let out of your contract.

    --Sometimes, people who work at a client have some prejudice against temps. It can be envy: they assume you're making mega bucks, and have all sorts of perks they don't get. That's usually not true of *temps*. It can be true of *contractors*. Other people at the client won't care at all whether you're a temp, as long as you do your work and are reasonably civil.

    Climacus--

    You might try Fold It: Solve Puzzles For Science. Combo of game, puzzle, volunteering, and helping with research. That page has links to other such things in the right-hand nav bar and at the bottom of the page.

    ETA: You don't have to know anything about science! Having all sorts of people and minds involved helps find alt answers, methods, and ideas.

    FWIW. Good luck! :)
  • Thank you all -- so very greatly appreciated.

    I'll take a look at that, GK -- thanks.

    I *love* No Such Thing... not entirely me. And, yes, podcasts or the radio are a good help to me.

    Thank you again.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    At least it is sunny. I can go into the garden. But even there, it begins to be autumn with its undetachable overtones of melancholy.

    I am anxious - but then, who isn't?
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    I always say that autumn's my favourite season (I love all the mellow fruitfulness, and the promise of soups and warming casseroles), but as we didn't get much of a summer when we were supposed to, I'll be quite happy if it holds off for a week or two yet.

    I think part of it is that when I lived in Canada, autumn was such a relief from the sticky heat of summer.
  • bad bad bad for me. Can't even read what others have written. Anxious and upset about being anxious. Trip to the doc if this doesn't settle soon.
  • (((Simon Toad)))
  • Praying for Simon Toad and Firenze, for peace and a smoothing of anxieties 🕯
  • <votive> Simon Toad and Firenze in particular
  • {{ Firenze }}

    {{ Simon Toad }}

    May the melancholy and anxiety plaguing you both be stilled.


    I'm doing okay, but I am off work currently (with thankfully an understanding boss given I'm not even 3 months in to this job). One day at a time as they say.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Praying peace for all 🕯
  • I'm due back to work tomorrow morning, having started on anxiolytics and having had a couple of much-needed weeks off. It has slowly dawned on me just how mentally unwell I've been this year. I'm *really* not looking forward to tomorrow!!
  • {{ Bene Gesserit }}

    I hope you can get a good rest tonight, and my warmest wishes for tomorrow. Be kind to yourself.
  • Thank you. I will try to be!
  • I hope tomorrow goes well, and proves to be a healing and not hurtful experience, BG.

    I'm in sadness and disinterest today, notwithstanding that I've prepared meals for the Neighborhood House. So while I am getting stuff done, I don't feel like I'm getting stuff done. I am angry, and prone to emotional responses. I almost tore a bit out of a fellow poster in Purg. Thankfully caught and destroyed draft. I hate my emotions being out of sync with what I know to be true. It really destroys me.
  • Be kind to yourself. And well done on pulling back from that post.

    But I sympathise. It is destroying -- a very apt word.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Well done Simon Toad.

    One of my responses to stress is that I lose things. Today it was a whole string of things, but I've whittled it down to being just my glasses, (they are in the house somewhere) and my old pair are OK. Actually in some ways they are better because my left eye was being rather painful - now it's not.

    At least my bedroom is tidier than it was - and I found my tablet while I was searching :smiley:
  • Praying 🕯
  • Simon ToadSimon Toad Shipmate
    edited September 2020
    Those glasses will turn up Huia! I am missing my spare pair. I hope you are not one of those people, like my wife and a work colleague who can't actually see very much at all without their specs.

    I am feeling a little better. I cancelled work this afternoon because I was afraid of driving. I'm not suicidal, but sometimes when I am in this state I get urges, just for flashes of a second. Its those flashes I fear. Best to not drive.

    I am taking an extra 25mg of Quietapine (seraquel). I took that last night and this morning. Its not strictly on my GP's advice, but I plan to do this until I can speak to my psych.
  • Very sensible all round, @Simon Toad and I hope you can see him/her very soon.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    {{{ST}}}
  • Continued prayers and best wishes, Simon Toad.
    And for all.

    I was so caught up in my anxiety I didn't realise I was manic -- not full-blown but on the way. The doctor recommended another week off to get me more level.
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