Chasing the black dog



  • Rapid cycling Climacus? I hope you can get off the bike soon, as I do for me.

    Apart from the Seroquel, I can see that two things have helped me:

    1. Listening to a couple of episodes of The Goon Show; and
    2. the centering prayer I heard @Gramps49 son sing from Kenosha. I've listened two or three times to parts of the service now, especially the welcome and the first song.

    The centering prayer is: When I breathe in I breathe in peace. When I breathe out I breathe out love.

    I'm starting to feel like I might have turned a corner.
  • For me, anxiety can be depressive or manic but more often it is a sign that I am manic.
    Peace for all on this thread 🕯
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    I've remembered why I don't like these glasses. They respond to light by getting darker (Photo trophic?) I wondered why both the Council building and the Bus interchange had such dim lighting today.🙄 The buildings weren't the only things being dim.

    I have given myself until September 23rd to find them - that's when I have an appointment (which the optometrist's receptionist says I can cancel with a day's notice) for new ones.

    Simon Toad - not driving is really sensible.
  • Simon Toad wrote: »
    2. the centering prayer I heard @Gramps49 son sing from Kenosha. I've listened two or three times to parts of the service now, especially the welcome and the first song.

    The centering prayer is: When I breathe in I breathe in peace. When I breathe out I breathe out love.

    That has resonated with me, too. <3

  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    That is a lovely prayer.

    Let joy be unconfined - I have found my glasses. They were in their case so weren't damaged.

    Given where they were I suspect a certain feline 😺is implicated in their temporary disappearance - still at least my bedroom is tidier, :smiley:
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    A beautiful prayer indeed!
  • Still struggling. Upped the seroquel to 75mg on the advice of my Psych. Going back to counselling to try and find a circuit breaker for my thought pattern which goes: potential problem at work to anxiety about potential problem to anxiety about symptoms of anxiety to snowballing incapacity.
  • Hope the increased dose helps -- Seroquel was a lifesaver for me at one point (I've since moved on to another...)

    And best wishes for the counselling.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
  • I'm happy to say that I am well on the way through this latest bout, which, combined with the issues I experienced earlier in the year, is probably my most distressing period of illness in a good many years. I have a telephone appointment scheduled with a psych tomorrow,and am feeling positive that I will be able to develop some valuable strategies to deal with my anxiety.

    I feel like this is a new phase for me, as I have moved away from lithium due to kidney damage. It might well be that I need to focus more on talk therapy as I am less able to find pharmacological solutions that fit my body. Thanks everyone for the support. I really needed it, and am grateful.
  • @Simon Toad That you are willing to engage in talking therapy and look for strategies is a good starting point. I hope your appointment goes well.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Best wishes for your appointment tomorrow Simon Toad and for the strategizing.
  • NenyaNenya Shipmate
    Hope the appointment goes well, Simon Toad.
  • @Simon Toad Hope appointment helps. Your attitude of looking for strategies is good.
  • I hope everything goes well, @Simon Toad
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
  • {{{{{{{Simon Toad}}}}}}}
    {{{{{{{All of us}}}}}}}
  • {{ Simon Toad }}
    Hope the session went well.
  • ((Simon Toad))
  • Session was good. I got a hook I can use to try to stop the anxious about anxiety thing: Medication changes can trigger anxiety (it's not me its the meds). Also I wasn't quite right about counselling augmenting decreasing utility of medication due to side effects. She reckons its more about ramping up lifestyle factors and using counselling where necessary as an extra fillip. So, positive stuff.

    I have a slight concern about a rebounding up, but watching myself closely. Getting good sleep, which is a big plus.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Good to hear, @Simon Toad.
  • Truly amazing how sleep can help, from my experience.

    So very happy for you. Continued best wishes.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    "Sleep that knits the ravelled sleeve of care" - at least I think that's the quote.

    My experience too Climacus.
  • I've avoided this thread, so I'm coming to it without reading it. Sorry about that. I'll have a look later. But after spending nearly four years dealing with other people's depression and somehow avoiding it myself (I have had diagnosed depression in the past) I seem to have suddenly hit it.
    My reaction to not being able to go on the cruise I promised myself because of the enormous penalty for being alone is seriously over the top, as though it is a deliberate personally aimed slight to put me in my place, and make me realise that I am not to expect anything nice ever, because I don't deserve it. In the eyes of the world. And probably God.
    Which is rubbish, of course, and such penalties apply to many others for no other reason than that companies want to be as full as possible to make reasonable profits, but it doesn't feel like that at the moment.
    No point in going up the garden to eat worms - haven't seen any up there for ages.
  • I'm glad to hear how you are improving, Simon. Our friend who is bipolar seems well at the moment, though he has serious reasons for the depression aspect, with his father approaching end of life (in the same house) and other matters that are not as well as they could be.
  • Hugs and prayers to you, Penny. Sometimes it just takes one thing to bring everything to a head, doesn’t it? And depression can be quite unreasonable when it hits. It’s not surprising you are feeling down after so long caring for others, you need time for yourself so this has hit you where you are vulnerable.
    Is there something else you can plan to do, because you do deserve it? Or smaller treats in the meantime?
    Don’t hesitate to visit the GP for help if you need it.
  • Oh, Penny S!! After your last few years, it's not surprising that you feel like you've run into a brick, but it's not nice. Take time to care for yourself now. <votive>
  • Penny SPenny S Shipmate
    edited September 19
    Thank you Heavenlyannie. I've just read through from page 23, and offered prayers for everyone.
    I have some meds upstairs somewhere, as I went to the GP during a bad patch in the caring business, partly, I have to admit, to leave a marker in case we needed to put pressure on the hospital social workers about their blithe assumptions about our responses to the patient they found so difficult they had to get rid of her on the amateurs.
    The meds scared me somewhat as I read the blurb and they were not supposed to be appropriate for people with stomach bleeding from aspirin, and I then had to have a second med to counteract that. Meanwhile one of the nurses, who was familiar with effects on carers, suggested magnesium, so I got some elixir from the hospital pharmacy and trued that instead. It was successful, so the heavy stuff wasn't necessary.
    I'm hoping this turns out to be a short spell. It's been a lot milder than my previous bouts, and those were milder than I've been reading here. My friend has it worse, and giving him something to feel guilty about is not helpful.
    Still feel a bit weepy.
    Thanks, anyway.
    I have a thing I am working on which is quite cheering - but the outcome needs to be good.
  • Penny, I too go through times of reading and not reading this thread. I sometimes feel, when I am in the thick of it, that it is wrong of me to do that, and that I should be "giving back". That truly is low mood thinking by me, that self-critical reflection telling me I am being bad or not doing the right thing.

    Coming here and pouring out our stuff is one of the things that make this ship such a valuable part of the interwebs. It helps we who are suffering to express ourselves and gives our fellow sufferers in remission a chance to spread that wonderful lovingkindness. It is the grease of mental health.

    I am doing well. I had a thing at work tonight that would have blown my head off in anger a few weeks ago, but it didn't. In fact, I think I handled it well. I'm proud of that. The counselling is proving valuable, and we are going to work on bolstering my internal awareness and management of physiological signs of ill health. The aim is to try and recognise and deal with my mood before I've done damage, rather than realising afterwards and accessing support external to me. This strategy seeks to meet the challenges ahead, as my body becomes less able to tolerate pharmaceutical maintenance of my illness.

    I never read information on medication I am prescribed. I have hypochondriac tendencies, and I have never met I symptom I can't will myself into feeling. My doctors know only to tell me about side-effects if I really must know.

    Penny, I do hope your mood improves soon.

  • Thank you. I did need to know about the stomach bleeds, though! And the GP should, I think, have mentioned it.
    But I know about the hypochondria side of reading up side effects. I don't consciously do it, but I've had a side effect of migraine that a colleague told me about (she always had to be iller than anyone else, and she was playing "my migraine is worse than your migraine". And another I had read about, temporary dysphasia, struck me while singing "While Shepherds Watched". 1. I couldn't remember the words! 2. When I looked at the book, I couldn't hold them in my head when I looked up, in the way that one does with lesser known hymns. 3. I needed to follow the words with my finger all the way through. My brain gives up when I've spotted what it's up to.
    I have now taken St John's Wort and the magnesium stuff, and eaten. Feeling less weepy.
    I'm glad you are doing better, and can sense the mood coming. I didn't do that this morning - though the up phase when I saw the ad might have been an indication. I've also been buying stuff, though not excessively - our bipolar friend has boxes and boxes from Amazon from manic phases. I have a few envelopes of Ordnance Survey maps and a replacement flower identification book on the way. Then there's the recent interest in disproving local ley lines - hence the maps, triggered by chance on a trip out. (Can't be done as the believers shift the goal posts.) I must watch the odd enthusiasms.
  • {{ Penny }} -- be kind and good to yourself, and thank you for sharing. I hope writing and reading here is part of the help to get through this.

    {{ for all }}
  • It is part of the help, and many thanks for it.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
  • Thank you Piglet. And I keep reading about your rehousing, and glad its sorting out well.
    I should, by the way, have spotted it was on its way when I got the stuff in the Hancock thread. That sort of thing seems to get out when I am slightly hyper, just before I'm not.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Thanks, Penny - I'm not quite there yet, but it's a start!
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    How are all doing?

    I'm still struggling with sleep and a heightened sense of anxiety. I also am trying to combat the manic urges of my bipolar. What an unholy Trinity! But I am doing okay...I'm getting through each day and managing the long nights.

    I hope all are doing as well as they can. God bless.
  • Hi Climacus. Term started this weekend for me so I’m suddenly very busy but the mania seems to be keeping at bay so far. A bit anxious the last week or so (anticipation is never good for me) but doing okay.
    Praying for an even keel for you
  • Penny SPenny S Shipmate
    Thank you for your support. I've been feeling a lot better, but am now pursuing a peculiar interest again, so when I have the feedback from BroJames, I'll keep being alert for a downturn. I have also ordered a couple of books. Spending money again.
    Thinking of Climacus and Heavenlyannie.
  • My anxiety is through the roof, climbing the radio mast and contemplating flight. Work is... not conducive to my mental health.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Praying for you all 🕯
  • Penny SPenny S Shipmate
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    { Arethosemyfeet } and anxiety -- I do hope it comes down for you; I can sympathise with flight
    { Penny S } and best wishes for the new interest
    { Heavenlyannie } and anxiety
  • My anxiety is ok at the moment, with meds and CBT both now in place. Ok rather than sorted, and at the moment rather than forever. I think it will always be with me, it's a case of flattening the curve, let the reader understand, and trying not to let it overwhelm. Maybe the meds and CBT will do more than I think?!
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    edited October 5
    Good to hear the anxiety is okay currently, Bene Gesserit. May it remain so.

    I think I have learned to live with a flattened curve through meds and help; doesn't make it less frustrating when the curve is more wavy than I'd like.

    Go well.
  • I too am doing well right now, managing some tricky terrain at work as we try to find a better way of managing covid. We have had our first few incidents and communication wasn't the best with staff on the ground. But I think my representations as to how things can better address everyone's interests are being given attention. We are also in hayfever season, with symptoms identical to covid. So I have now worked out that even if I have a recent negative test, I can't go to work if I have hayfever. That's the situation until Friday, anyway. Hopefully I can go in on the weekend. Work is always good for me, even if I'm having fights with management. Being with the clients keeps me relatively centred, and so far I have been able to pick when I am too unwell to risk attending.

    Arethosemyfeet, Climacus, I'm sad to hear that you are having issues. During my latest bout I listened to an episode of The Goon Show. I found that took me out of my head for a while, listening to a studio audience of my parents and grandparents generations laughing their heads off.

  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Proof that laughter really is the best medicine? :)
  • ClimacusClimacus Shipmate
    Indeed! I am reading some Wodehouse this week and it is helping me smile and get through the day.

    Good to hear you are doing well, Simon Toad -- best wishes for managing the tricky work situation.
  • My favorite Fr Ted episode is Speed 3, although it varies. I just can't get past three priests on a moving lorry concelebrating mass! It's one of the funniest things on television ever.

    One of my mates, though, who manages to do a very good imitation of Alexi Sayle circa 1982, says that comedy completely dries up for him when he is unwell. Horses for courses, I guess.

    I hope you're feeling a bit better, @Arethosemyfeet
  • I am a wee bit better just now - on holiday, finished writing grievances and able to join a celebration of the Eucharist in person for the first time in... almost a year, I think.
  • Simon Toad wrote: »
    My favorite Fr Ted episode is Speed 3, although it varies. I just can't get past three priests on a moving lorry concelebrating mass! It's one of the funniest things on television ever.

    One of my mates, though, who manages to do a very good imitation of Alexi Sayle circa 1982, says that comedy completely dries up for him when he is unwell. Horses for courses, I guess.

    I hope you're feeling a bit better, @Arethosemyfeet

    That sounds like anhedonia.

    Anhedonia is an utter bastard.
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