Chasing the black dog

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  • Mine's here too. Perhaps we should introduce them? Do you think they would play together?
    The thought of being physically incapable bothers me as well. I remind myself of our dear next door neighbour (MSRIPARIG). Twenty stone in an old wheelchair. I remember taking her to hospital for an appointment and losing control of it on a downward slope. The sight of her yelling like a banshee and the patients scattering is still with me. She loved every minute of it, and we celebrated with lunch and alcohol afterwards. If I'm ever that incapacitated, I'm going into it with that attitude.
    It's bad. I'm talking too much. Even complete strangers in IKEA.

    Taking the slug/dog/cat out to reseed the lawn. Behave yourselves while I'm gone.
  • I don't think it's a Good Idea to let our individual Black Beasts play together - they might indulge in Naughty Acts, and reproduce!

    {{Nen and all whose BB is stirring}}

    Feeling better today, I must admit. A good night's sleep has helped.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Glad to hear it, BF!
  • Good news BF.

    {{ Nenya }} {{ Fredegund }} {{ All for whom the slug slivers }}
  • For all the whinging about it being too hot in summer I’m not finding this gloomy weather helpful. The shakey, tightness in chest and other physical symptoms of anxiety don’t go well with cold weather.
  • It isn't cold here - just grey and "meh". It's hard to stir oneself to action. Now if this d*** slug could be trained to paint the cat's room by itself it could be useful.
    (Just in case anyone is curious - small, strange-shaped room where we keep the litter trays, store food, and wellies, and - you get the picture. But straying into decluttering again.) Off to see whether we have any bright-ish paint left.
  • I like the idea of a cat room. My cat seems to think all rooms are her’s!
  • finelinefineline Kerygmania Host
    Cold weather can give you chest pains, because the heart has to work harder, so that makes sense it might trigger anxiety if you also get chest pains from anxiety, as it has that association. The British Heart Foundation has tips on keeping warm. I find hot drinks really help with cold-related chest pains.
  • That makes sense Fineline. I’ve had acid reflux too which doesn’t help. A nice warm bowl of soup for lunch might be a positive move.
  • finelinefineline Kerygmania Host
    Warm soup always cheers me up. :smile:

    Acid reflux is a pain - it can also apparently bring on palpitations in the night, which can also cause anxiety. Did you know raising the head of your bed - putting wooden slabs, say, under the legs of the bed - can help with acid reflux? I have done this with my bed, and it does seem to help.
  • Raising the bed has been suggested to me before now. My bed is pretty heavy so I’m not sure how easy it would be. I have started propping myself up with pillows which seems to help.

    Waking up in the middle of the night straight into a panic attack is not a pleasant experience in the slightest.
  • finelinefineline Kerygmania Host
    That was happening to me - waking up because I'd stopped breathing and my heart was racing. It wasn't panic attacks with me, though the doctors thought it was for ages, but it is the same physical symptoms, and then it would make me panic because it was scary. A friend helped me lift my bed as I couldn't do it by myself. Sleeping on my side or stomach helps too. Sleeping on your back can make you stop breathing. And those Breathe Right nasal strips are good too, to help with breathing in the night. I have also read about putting paper tape over one's mouth overnight, to force you to breathe through your nose, which is supposed to help, though I am a bit scared to try that!
  • I know that my anxiety/depression is more than likely a side effect of the hormonetherapy that I have to take for the next 5-7 years, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I just sit around doing bugger all, even thouigh I know there's stuff to be done. I probably need to do more exercise too, but with dodgy knees and gloomy bad weather there's not much encouragement to go out and frolic. I feel meh.
  • {{Dormouse}}

    I sympathise - painful legs and pouring rain certainly do not encourage frolicking...
    :anguished:
  • { Dormouse }
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    The dread of the future does a lot to (dis)colour the present.

    I have to go over to Ireland next week to inter my parents' ashes and I fear, given his declining health, perhaps see my brother for the last time.

    That prospect groups with all the others - the day Mr F’s chemo no longer works; my own physical decline; the way the world is going in general - to take pretty well all my energy. I just want to sleep all day.
  • {{ Firenze }}

    I wish I had words. Know you are thought of. I can but hope it helps.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    {{{Firenze and your family}}}

    You're all in my prayers.
  • Firenze you have a beautiful avatar. Every time I see it it makes me smile. I hope you have an experience today that makes you smile too, if only for a little while.
  • Firenze - each of those situations on their own sound incredibly painful to deal with and inescapable. I hope you have happy memories and warm experiences in Ireland next week in amongst the sad ones and that you can leave there with a sense of peace.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Simon Toad wrote: »
    Firenze you have a beautiful avatar. Every time I see it it makes me smile.

    Thank you. It is one of my own watercolours.

    I should restart the Bead Game. This where you put a number of different beads in a bag or jar and draw one at random first thing in the morning. Each one stands for either for something you know helps to do more of, or helps to do less of.

    However the energy to do that is currently being suppressed by the guilt at not cleaning (even bits of) the house. While the guilt is being expertly muffled by idling online/playing games.
  • The bead game is such a good idea. I’ll have to remember that one.
  • (((Dormouse))) (((Firenze)))
  • That sounds like a good idea. Might try it. I know how you feel about cleaning - I seem to get partway and then lose energy. If we were closer, I would suggest swapping houses - it's so much easier to do someone else's. I used to commit surreptitious ironing when cat sitting for a friend. For some reason another's ironing was enjoyable, when the family's was a chore best forgotten. I hope Ireland goes as well as possible.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Fredegund wrote: »
    ... I used to commit surreptitious ironing ...
    Love it! :mrgreen:

    I think I might have to introduce you to my sister, who hates ironing so much she farms it out to A Lady What Does. :smiley:
  • magnilomagnilo Shipmate
    edited November 2018
    Just need to say this.

    Can’t move quickly. Going round and round. Putting things off. Letting people down. Feeling really tired. Having bad dreams. Holding it together. Tearing at the seams.
  • magnilo wrote: »
    Just need to say this.

    Can’t move quickly. Going round and round. Putting things off. Letting people down. Feeling really tired. Having bad dreams. Holding it together. Tearing at the seams.

    Solidarity, magnilo. In this trench myself right now, and the ripping is painful, isn't it?
  • From a Midland trench. So much to do, no inclination. Nightmares that hang around during the day. Sitting talking to traumatised long hair, who got out last night.
  • magnilo wrote: »
    Just need to say this.

    Can’t move quickly. Going round and round. Putting things off. Letting people down. Feeling really tired. Having bad dreams. Holding it together. Tearing at the seams.

    Solidarity, magnilo. In this trench myself right now, and the ripping is painful, isn't it?

    It doesn’t stop. Just a constant tearing without respite or resolution.

  • <Prayers ascending> It's not nice when it's like that.
  • <votives> for those stuck in trenches. Not Good At All.....
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Keeping you all in my prayers.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Thinking of all of those stuck in the trenches💜.
  • With insomnia. Darn it to heck!
  • {{Fredegund}} Hope you've managed to get some zzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

    It's round about Silly O'clock In The Morning (3am or 4am) that the BB seems to stir, no?
  • It does indeed.

    Anxiety...how you pain me. I realise moving jobs and country is anxiety-inducing, but I'm letting the dog grab me by the ankles and drag me around at times. :disappointed:

  • Can you grab bits of the dog back? (not wishing to be too rude) Seriously, I feel for you, having done both, but no longer having the nerve to do so.
    And here we are at 5.15 and the alarm goes off at 6.45.
  • NenyaNenya Shipmate
    Fredegund wrote: »
    And here we are at 5.15 and the alarm goes off at 6.45.

    That's one of the horrible things - waking too early to get up but knowing you can't go back to sleep, with a sick, scared feeling thrown in. Great start to the week. :disappointed:
  • {{{{{{{Insomniacs}}}}}}}

    IANAD, but some things that've helped me:

    --Prescription anti-depressants (SSRIs, in my case) can sometimes help at least to smooth that anxiety and weariness that go with insomnia. IOTW, still have insomnia, but it doesn't feel so awful. My doctor has me on them for depression, but smoothing out sleep in a nice bonus, in my case.

    --Have a radio on all night, just loudly enough to give your mind something to chew on, rather than itself. A station with a fairly quiet style, like NPR or a classical music station. No one shouting, no loud electric guitars.

    --Recordings of nature sounds that you find soothing, e.g. ocean, birdsong, river, sail boat, etc. Some are available online. Search on something like "youtube nature sounds ocean no music". (There also are some *with* music.) Many are 11 hours long, like this sea recording.

    --Warm shower before bed.

    --A whiff of relaxing scent. Look up "aromatherapy sleep".

    Good luck!
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    edited November 2018
    A warm, milky drink before bed isn't a bad idea either - my preference would be hot chocolate, but cocoa or Horlicks (ugh!) would probably work too. Or, perversely, a bowl of cereal with milk - I know it's supposed to wake you up, but it can sometimes help to send you off to the land of Nod.

    I remember seeing teddy-bears stuffed with lavender somewhere once; I think the idea was that you heated them (gently!) in the microwave, and they gave off a nice relaxing whiff.
  • Well, teddy-bears may well help, but IIRC lavender (in bags, I suppose) is an inducement to sleep, with a very long pedigree!
  • Must dig out lavender bag for tonight. Knowing my luck, the cat will sleep on it.

  • Lavender essential oil helps me--a whiff, or a drop on a pillowcase. Be aware: pure essential oils are *strong*. Lavender is generally safe to put on skin, *but* people's tolerances vary. It's a good idea to check an aromatherapy site/book before putting any on your skin. Do NOT take essential oils internally, unless in a cough drop or some such, or just swishing an herbal mouthwash around. Check with a doc, as needed,
  • It's very difficult to find any of those soft toys with heatable pads without lavender.
  • Reporting in. I've had my difficult November anniversaries and...nothing. No flashbacks, no vivid dreams, normal sleep. I can't quite believe it. My concentration wasn't great and I had a week of getting less done than I ought to, but I was functioning perfectly adequately. Plus I ended up crying in church on the 4 Nov, though that might have been cathartic. The woman sitting next to me got up and left; I thought she might be fetching me a glass of water, but in fact she had left the church, gone to the newsagent, and reappeared with a fresh packet of paper hankies for me!

    On 19 Nov 2012 I posted on the old Ship:
    I get short, sharp episodes of depression. It doesn't last long (a few days; only 4 days last time), and as a family we cover it up well, so most people around me don't know, or at least don't know the specifics. I have months in between episodes.

    I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on the aftermath. While I'm depressed it's as if my brain is a radio which has been knocked off-channel so that there's a lot of crackle. Then some of my brain is occupied just trying to hear through the crackle, so I don't have as much brain left to do stuff as I need. I still function but in a wading-through-treacle type of way. Then one day I wake up and the crackle has gone. I'm completely fine again.

    Except that I'm not fine. I have disrupted sleep patterns when I'm depressed, so when I come out of it I'm physically tired. Plus I eat far, far too much when I'm down, and sometimes odd combinations, so I often feel queasy. And I always gain weight, up to 7lbs over just a few days, so I know I'm facing at least a month of sensible eating to bring that back down. Any deadline which was comfortably at least a week away beforehand is suddenly a looming crisis. And I'll have done something careless, like let a pan boil dry, or spilt something down a favourite top, so dealing with the burnt pan, or the stain gets added to my to-do list. It's just a lot of little things.

    I need suggestions for the crap week-to-ten days which follow a depressive episode, during which time I'm not remotely clinically depressed, just very, very pissed off.

    (Obviously, I'd like not to have the depressive episodes at all, but that seems like a lost cause.)


    Six years later, here I am. The "lost cause" wasn't lost at all. It's the 13th of November, and I'm not trying to recover from the chaos of my "lost" days because this year, there weren't any lost days. Years, almost decades, of my life have been adversely affected by this. I feel as though I am blinking in the bright sunshine of a new reality. I am astonished, delighted, grateful and deeply thankful.
  • I should also say that you wonderful people on the Ship have been invaluable. I posted stuff on here that, for various reasons, I would not discuss with friends in RL. I know this is a public forum, and I haven't been protective here of my RL identity, so I know all the caveats. But this has been a place for me to reflect and get support and advice. Plus, once I had the diagnosis of PTSD in 2017, being able to go back to earlier posts pre-diagnosis was helpful.

    Thank you all.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    God bless you and keep you close NEQ

  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    So good to hear that this year has been better for you, NEQ! Prayers continuing to ascend.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    NEQ - I am delighted for you. (I need the whizzing around smilie).

    Also the woman at church sounds really practical. So often people don't know how to respond to tears.
  • So happy for you NEQ. Thank you for sharing.

    As per Huia, that woman sounds amazing. What a star.
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