Things you'll never hear them say

stetsonstetson Shipmate
edited August 2019 in The Circus
Simple rules. Name a well-known person or group of people, and then write something that they are unlikely ever to say. A few examples...

Trump supporters:

"Well, we have to maintain at least a modicum of dignity in the White House. It can't just become a total clown show."

Brexiteers:

"Probably not the best idea to decide the future of our nation based on tabloid headlines."

Catholic bishops:

"Look, it doesn't matter who you are. You molest kids, we call the cops. End of story."

And feel free to do repeats, ie. if someone else has already done a particular person or group, you can make another entry for them if you want.
«1

Comments

  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    David Cameron:

    I fucked up.
  • Benjamin Netanyahu: The Palestinians have just as much right to a secure homeland as any other people group in the Middle East.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    edited August 2019
    Mr de Piffle Johnson.
    "I admit it. I'm a liar. I'm flash. I've no substance. Under my bluff exterior, I'm an unpleasant bully. You can't trust me. I am totally unfitted to be your Prime Minister. And when I wake in the middle of the night, I can't understand how I got here or how I've managed to take so many people in."
  • Donald Trump:

    “I was wrong.”
    “I’m sorry.”
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Arlene Foster of the DUP: "For the love of Our Lady and all the saints, let's have a united Ireland".
  • HMQ: "Let's get Mr Johnson and Mr Corbyn into the Palace so I can bash their heads together and knock some sense into them".
  • Boris Johnson:
    Anything intelligible
  • Tony Blair:
    I think I was dazzled by the idea of being PM and I know it went to my head a little.
  • Winston Churchill: I've decided to give up smoking.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Jeremy Corbyn:
    "I was 70 last May. It's time I retired. But I'm afraid without all the meetings etc to go to, that I'll find there's nothing there."

    Bill Clinton:
    "It was stretching a point and playing with words to say that I did not have sexual relations with that woman"
  • Sarah Huckabee Sanders: "I'm a nasty person. I learned a lot of it from my father who is also a very nasty person. We're about as Christian as a carton of spoiled milk."
  • Rev Richard Coles:
    I’m really not interested in publicity.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Rev Giles Fraser:
    "Nor am I".
  • Piglet wrote: »
    Arlene Foster of the DUP: "For the love of Our Lady and all the saints, let's have a united Ireland".

    From your lips to God's ears!
  • The Pope: "Am I a Catholic?"
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    edited August 2019
    Archbishop Lefebvre: "Yes, you are."
  • Kyril, Patriarch of Moscow and All Russia: I renounce Vladimir Putin and all his wicked deeds.
  • Brexiters:
    I’ve been on a course to learn how to spell and use punctuation correctly.
  • Baptist TrainfanBaptist Trainfan Shipmate
    edited August 2019
    Queen Victoria: That was a great joke! Tell me another and make me laugh some more!
  • Anyone: You know, I'm really curious what 90's English grunge band Bush are up to nowadays.
  • Queen Victoria: That was a great joke! Tell me another and make me laugh some more!

    By all accounts, Queen Victoria actually had a very sharp sense of humour
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    Taylor Swift: "I have great relationships with all my former boyfriends."
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    edited August 2019
    Anyone: You know, I'm really curious what 90's English grunge band Bush are up to nowadays.

    I believe the lead singer is living in LA, or at least was a few years ago. "Glycerine" is one of my favorite Gen X standards, and I watched a You Tube video of a live performance where he expressed his affection for his adopted hometown.

    But yeah, that's about all I know. I couldn't even name another one of their songs off the top of my head.
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    British people:

    "Come to think of it, drunkenly screaming obscene synonyms for 'vagina' isn't all that hilarious a form of humour."

    Americans:

    "Of course I know where it is. Right there on the map, between Canada and Mexico."
  • Donald Trump:
    I accept that politeness and courtesy are essential qualities in a President at all times.
  • stetson wrote: »
    Anyone: You know, I'm really curious what 90's English grunge band Bush are up to nowadays.

    I believe the lead singer is living in LA, or at least was a few years ago. "Glycerine" is one of my favorite Gen X standards, and I watched a You Tube video of a live performance where he expressed his affection for his adopted hometown.

    But yeah, that's about all I know. I couldn't even name another one of their songs off the top of my head.

    It’s not so much they were bad, they were just really generic. They were very competent at what they did, perhaps even better than the dozen other bands doing the same thing. I did like Glycerine. The other big hit was the somewhat interesting Machinehead.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    Librarians: "Could you please speak up a bit?"
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    stetson wrote: »
    Anyone: You know, I'm really curious what 90's English grunge band Bush are up to nowadays.

    I believe the lead singer is living in LA, or at least was a few years ago. "Glycerine" is one of my favorite Gen X standards, and I watched a You Tube video of a live performance where he expressed his affection for his adopted hometown.

    But yeah, that's about all I know. I couldn't even name another one of their songs off the top of my head.

    It’s not so much they were bad, they were just really generic. They were very competent at what they did, perhaps even better than the dozen other bands doing the same thing. I did like Glycerine. The other big hit was the somewhat interesting Machinehead.

    Yeah, I didn't really think you meant they were bad, and I know what you mean about generic. It's very much that disheveled, mumbling ambience, with the woe-is-me lyrics, that typified the post-Seattle sound. I quite like it, but that's probably because it was the first style of music that I felt any sort of generational "ownership" over.

    For me, the best song of that broad genre was No Rain. The lyrics were better than Glycerine, IMHO.
  • stetson wrote: »
    stetson wrote: »
    Anyone: You know, I'm really curious what 90's English grunge band Bush are up to nowadays.

    I believe the lead singer is living in LA, or at least was a few years ago. "Glycerine" is one of my favorite Gen X standards, and I watched a You Tube video of a live performance where he expressed his affection for his adopted hometown.

    But yeah, that's about all I know. I couldn't even name another one of their songs off the top of my head.

    It’s not so much they were bad, they were just really generic. They were very competent at what they did, perhaps even better than the dozen other bands doing the same thing. I did like Glycerine. The other big hit was the somewhat interesting Machinehead.

    Yeah, I didn't really think you meant they were bad, and I know what you mean about generic. It's very much that disheveled, mumbling ambience, with the woe-is-me lyrics, that typified the post-Seattle sound. I quite like it, but that's probably because it was the first style of music that I felt any sort of generational "ownership" over.

    For me, the best song of that broad genre was No Rain. The lyrics were better than Glycerine, IMHO.

    I was born right after the cut-off for Gen X and for some reason my big brother liked to taunt me as "generation Y". That grunge stuff was the music his friends listened to and I guess I didn't connect with it while a lot of other people my age did. I gravitated toward slightly uncool stuff like metal and punk (though punk became very cool again in mid-90's).
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    The other big hit was the somewhat interesting Machinehead.

    I just gave Machinehead a listen, and vaguely recognized it, though a lot of songs sound that way.

    One thing I noticed was that the lyrics would scan pretty closely with the music to Glycerine.

  • Er ...
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    edited August 2019
    Er ...

    ???

  • I was trying to hint that we'd rather got lost in the thread.
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Ah, okay, point taken.
  • Anyone: I've been thinking... the time is finally ripe for Spice World 2.
  • Isn't it a shame President Trump won't be able to serve more than two terms!
  • Baptist TrainfanBaptist Trainfan Shipmate
    edited August 2019
    King Harold: "I rather like arrows, actually. And those Normans are nice chaps, considering they're French".
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Anyone: I've been thinking... the time is finally ripe for Spice World 2.

    Well, I can think of one guy who might be saying that.

  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    Biologists: That Ken Ham bloke has a point, you know!
  • Anyone: You know, I'm really curious what 90's English grunge band Bush are up to nowadays.

    I really want to know now! I’m pretty sure he shacked up with Gwen Stefani they had kids with weird names.

    Jeremy Hunt: I’d like an appointment with a doctor please!
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Anyone: You know, I'm really curious what 90's English grunge band Bush are up to nowadays.

    I really want to know now! I’m pretty sure he shacked up with Gwen Stefani they had kids with weird names.

    I think so. Though going by other stuff on YouTube, they evntually split up.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    John Shelby Spong:-
    "Jesus loves me this I know,
    'cos the Bible tells me so".
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Morgan Freeman, trying to jump the queue at a restaurant...

    "Do you know who I am? Easy Reader ring a bell?"
  • Nigel Farage: "I love the EU".
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Anyone who hit puberty before 1974:

    "I was a big fan of Kiss, back in their heyday."
  • Kim Kardashian: "You know, I'm a fairly boring person and I really should stop tweeting every time I pick my nose or change my shirt."
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    With apologies to no UK shipmates who will probably have never heard of these nonentities:-

    Priti (orse Ugli) Patel (UK Home Secretary):-
    "As the child of immigrants, I want to do all that I can to enable immigrants to feel welcome here".

    Jacob Rees Mogg (MP for Radstock, Keynsham etc):-
    "I'm really excited by the Catholic Church's social teaching, the preferential option for the poor and its commitment to the marginalised".

    and

    "The reason why I went into politics was to enable every family to afford a nanny".

  • Jacob Rees-Mogg
    Of course, I realise I'm only upper middle-class and I'm only trying to give people a laugh by behaving in such a snobbish and ignorant fashion.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    Company director: "You know I said I only wanted a high level summary review and wouldn't be asking for further breakdown or more detail behind it? I meant what I said."
  • Theresa May: "Brexit - now what does that mean?"
Sign In or Register to comment.