Gender/Sexuality - phobia
Schroedingers Cat
Shipmate
in Epiphanies
So, we were watching Masterchef this week, which included Kellie Maloney. Mrs Cat asked "Is that a man or a woman?" A woman. "Did she used to be a man?" I didn't know the answer.
Well she used to be Frank Maloney. I remembered the story, but didn't realise who it was.
The thing is, I didn't know, didn't care, was not interested in the fact she is trans. I don't care about peoples sexuality, gender definition, whatever (in that, I respect what they wish to be called, and have no real concern about their past or their private lives).
Mrs Cat always seems to ask these questions. Which I find uncomfortable, especially when I don't know the answer. On another discussion, someone didn't know Freddy Mercury was gay before he came out. I realised that I didn't KNOW he was gay, but I was not suprised at it.
So the question here is whether I have a very poor gayday/transdar/whatever, whetehr Mrs Cat is actually x-phobic, or what? What is the right approach, the right way?
This is not for discussion of sexuality/gender definition as such, but about what the right approach is to accepting people as they are. And please feel free to tell me I am in the wrong (like you need to be told).
Well she used to be Frank Maloney. I remembered the story, but didn't realise who it was.
The thing is, I didn't know, didn't care, was not interested in the fact she is trans. I don't care about peoples sexuality, gender definition, whatever (in that, I respect what they wish to be called, and have no real concern about their past or their private lives).
Mrs Cat always seems to ask these questions. Which I find uncomfortable, especially when I don't know the answer. On another discussion, someone didn't know Freddy Mercury was gay before he came out. I realised that I didn't KNOW he was gay, but I was not suprised at it.
So the question here is whether I have a very poor gayday/transdar/whatever, whetehr Mrs Cat is actually x-phobic, or what? What is the right approach, the right way?
This is not for discussion of sexuality/gender definition as such, but about what the right approach is to accepting people as they are. And please feel free to tell me I am in the wrong (like you need to be told).
Comments
The thing about old age, it dissolves us back to pre-pubertal asexuality - except with wrinkles.
But it makes no difference to me. Maybe it should - maybe I should feel more positive response. I htink it is the difference in our responses that makes me wonder.
I bump into K occasionally, not always with her partner, and chat, but I find myself feeling incredibly uncomfortable because I don't know what name her partner chooses to go by, and thus how to address them, and I don't feel that I can ask in case it's a sore subject. I'm sure it shows in my face that I'm feeling awkward as well.
Am I just being stupidly British about the whole thing? I'm really not that bothered about where they identify, I'm tied in knots by not wanting to cause offense, and now feel stupid admitting it.
AG
In the LGBT+ community, partner is often used, so use that. As in "How is your partner doing?"
Another strategy is to ask a neutral party. e.g., someone else in the neighbourhood.
And I do have support/concern for people like Vicky in their battles. It is not that I am unconcerned about her and her battle, or dismissing how important it was. It is just that she is still Vicky, and still amazing, and still the incredible person she alway was.
Having said that, I have no gay-dar or trans-dar (though I have a pretty good autism-dar), and when someone comes out as gay and everyone is saying 'Oh, I knew it!' I'm just thinking 'It never even occurred to me to wonder.' I don't see this as good or bad - just how it is. I'm asexual (always have been - not an age-related thing with me) and often forget that most people are sexual beings with sexual orientations, so it rarely occurs to me to see people in those terms. Similar with gender identity, as I'm agender, though I actually find trans issues more interesting, because I'm fascinated by the idea of gender identity, and very curious what it feels like. I have no such curiosity about sexual attractions - I don't know why. I am interested, however, in the experience of being different and marginalised, which applies to both being gay and being trans, as this is what I have experienced in different ways.
I'm not sure it's helpful to try to categorise our automatic internal reactions to things as good or bad. They tend to be simply a result of our own experience. It's how we externalise them that we need to be mindful of - it would be inappropriate and intrusive, for instance, if I were to ask someone if they were trans just because it occurred to me to wonder. But expressing the question about this person in private to someone close to me wouldn't be inappropriate, I don't think. If that person didn't like the question, that would be more about that person being different from me than about either of us being right or wrong.
I think it is, or at least can be, helpful to view out automatic internal reactions with judgement. It is part of the problem with racism, transphobia, etc that people think their internal reaction has not effect on external actions. If I have a horrible thought, I think I should explore why. If I am uncomfortable around certain people, this needs exploring as well. Why am I uncomfortable and what are the ramifications of that? It extends towards everything. The why of the thought is at least as important as the thought.
I agree, and that is what I was saying about not automatically acting on your internal reaction. What I meant was not to see yourself as a bad person because of it, or to see the feelings themselves as inherently wrong. Feelings are feelings. Question the reasons behind the feelings and the reaction, and acknowledge the reasons you uncover, and accept that you currently have this gut reaction, and that you don't have to act on it or accept it as based on reality.
I remember an older RE teacher at school telling us that he had been brought up with the attitude that black people are inferior to white people, and that whenever he saw a black person, he instantly had the automatic reaction that they were inferior to him. He knew intellectually that it was wrong, that they were not inferior, and he wouldn't act on that reaction, but he found he couldn't stop this internal reaction. I had respect for his honesty in being able to acknowledge this, and I don't think it would have been helpful for him to judge himself as a bad person for this automatic internal reaction that he was conditioned to have. Anyone can be conditioned to have such a reaction, and it doesn't easily go away
Similarly, it's a common thing that people who grew up with parents who abused them will see themselves as inferior and worthy of abuse. Even though as adults they can intellectually acknowledge that their parents shouldn't have abused them and that it wasn't their fault as children that their parents did this, there is often still a deep, gut feeling that they are inferior, that they were to blame for the abuse. Such reactions run deep, and can't be easily changed, and while it's of course good to be aware and challenge them intellectually, I think to judge ourselves as bad/good people because of them really isn't helpful.
I suppose with parental abuse it can be more complicated, as the instinctive self-hatred and cPTSD that tends to result in adulthood can lead to self-harm, despite a person's intellectual understanding being more advanced and accurate than their instinctive reaction. I think in that case, compassion is more helpful than blame, because blaming a person who already hates and blames themselves only perpetuates the cycle.