May Book Club: Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner
Hi all, this months selection is a memoir by musician Michelle Zauner exploring her relationship with her Korean mother, relatives, food and cultural background as somone born in South Korea but raised mostly in the United States by her Korean mother and white American father. It also explores her mother's treatments for and death from cancer and how this affected Zauner and changed her relationship with both parents.
Comments
1. Could you relate to any of Michelle Zauner's childhood experiences or was this a look into a different world for you?
2. Chongmi tells her daughter Michelle that she has never met anyone like her, explaining why she sometimes struggles to understand her. Have you experienced this as a parent or aunt/uncle or felt that your parents felt this way about you?
3. Chongmi recommends keeping back 10 percent of yourself from people you have relationships with. Do we all keep back parts of ourselves from our friends and family? Are there relationships where this could be considered unethical?
4. Michelle Zauner sometimes wished her mother was like her white American friend's laid back mother. As a teen did you ever wish your parents or family were different? Did you compare your parents to those of friends and peers and did you ever tell your parents you wished they were more like other parents you knew?
5. How did you interpret the situation when Chongmi was in palliative care at home. Did her friend Kye overstep family boundaries and prevent Michelle and her father providing the care they craved to provide or was Kye justified in thinking they were selfish, despite them doing their best? How did you feel about Kye leaving just before Chongmi's death after the conflict with Michelle's father?
6. I came across this article by Felicity Cloake in The Guardian today about food in books. https://www.theguardian.com/food/2026/may/12/why-food-is-the-real-star-of-my-new-novel It references both Crying in H Mart and a previous book club selection Heartburn by Nora Ephron. Do you, like Cloake, enjoy reading a book that makes you hunger for the meals described?
This was a very different world to me, being British and having been bought up in Central London. I did relate to the feeling of being an outsider though, but I think that is something we all do.
2. Chongmi tells her daughter Michelle that she has never met anyone like her, explaining why she sometimes struggles to understand her. Have you experienced this as a parent or aunt/uncle or felt that your parents felt this way about you?
My mother and I got on very well, but though we had some things in common I felt she didn't quite 'get' me in the way my mother-in-law did. Again I wonder if this is something we all feel about those closest to us.
3. Chongmi recommends keeping back 10 percent of yourself from people you have relationships with. Do we all keep back parts of ourselves from our friends and family? Are there relationships where this could be considered unethical?
I think this is really good advice. After throwing everything at a couple of pretty dire relationships in my twenties I was much more circumspect when I met my husband. However I'm not sure if either Chomgmi or Michelle followed that advice. I felt that Michelle was very much doing that with her husband though, so I was glad to read at the end they were still together.
4. Michelle Zauner sometimes wished her mother was like her white American friend's laid back mother. As a teen did you ever wish your parents or family were different? Did you compare your parents to those of friends and peers and did you ever tell your parents you wished they were more like other parents you knew?
I used to find my dad an embarrassment as he was always chatting to people when out and about. I've started doing it too so I would like to go back and apologise to him for some of my behaviour when younger. On the whole though I was proud of my parents, and so glad they gave me an interest in politics and current affairs while growing up. I felt we never really got to the bottom of what kept Michelle's parents together. They sounded very different from each other, and I didn't really understand what her father was like at all.
5. How did you interpret the situation when Chongmi was in palliative care at home. Did her friend Kye overstep family boundaries and prevent Michelle and her father providing the care they craved to provide or was Kye justified in thinking they were selfish, despite them doing their best? How did you feel about Kye leaving just before Chongmi's death after the conflict with Michelle's father?
I think this was the sort of conflict that happens when everyone is under stress, probably made worse by there being lots of differences in culture and outlook between Kye and Michelle's dad.
6. I came across this article by Felicity Cloake in The Guardian today about food in books. https://www.theguardian.com/food/2026/may/12/why-food-is-the-real-star-of-my-new-novel It references both Crying in H Mart and a previous book club selection Heartburn by Nora Ephron. Do you, like Cloake, enjoy reading a book that makes you hunger for the meals described?
This book was a difficult read for me as I'm a vegan/vegetarian. I really didn't want to know about how to chose a lobster for instance. None of the food in this book appealed to me, though I do like kimchi on the odd occasions we have it. We used to live near New Malden that has a large Korean population but I never found a restaurant there where I could find enough on the menu that I fancied. The recipes in Heartburn I quite enjoyed and the article made me want to read Cloake's book. I love the bits in books such as the Famous Five ones andLord of the Rings where there are meals of bread, cheese etc after times of great stress. Oh and keeping the butter off your cuffs when you have crumpets in endless books in the 1920s/
1. Could you relate to any of Michelle Zauner's childhood experiences or was this a look into a different world for you?
Mostly it was a glimpse into a different world. I really liked reading about the time she spent in Seoul with her mother's family -- I love it when reading a book feels like taking a trip!
2. Chongmi tells her daughter Michelle that she has never met anyone like her, explaining why she sometimes struggles to understand her. Have you experienced this as a parent or aunt/uncle or felt that your parents felt this way about you?
I really related to Michelle's relationship with Chongmi. I also had a mother who was very critical and seemed to want me to be an entirely different kind of person than I actually was/am. But at the same time, we were very close and loved each othr a lot despite all our conflicts. It's something I don't see portrayed a lot in memoirs - mother/daughter relationships that are genuinely full of conflict and yet also very intensely loving. If my mother had died when I was in my 20s I think I would have felt many of the same things Michelle did. As it was she lived until I was in my late 40s and we had a lot more years to iron things out in our relationship and relate more as equals. I felt very sorry for Michelle losing her mother at the age and in the way she did in this story.
3. Chongmi recommends keeping back 10 percent of yourself from people you have relationships with. Do we all keep back parts of ourselves from our friends and family? Are there relationships where this could be considered unethical?
I have to think about this more. To some extent I feel like I've always reserved a part of myself in relationships, so maybe this concept didn't strike me as unusual because it just seems to me a normal way to be. I am close to my husband, my kids, my dad, my friends -- but nobody knows ALL of me.
5. How did you interpret the situation when Chongmi was in palliative care at home. Did her friend Kye overstep family boundaries and prevent Michelle and her father providing the care they craved to provide or was Kye justified in thinking they were selfish, despite them doing their best? How did you feel about Kye leaving just before Chongmi's death after the conflict with Michelle's father?
This felt like a very common type of thing that happens in caregiving when someone is dying -- people want to help, to feel they are being useful, and conflicts can emerge, even power struggles, as different family members/friends try to be the "best" at caring for the dying person. I think it's a way of dealing with grief before it happens, maybe.
6. I came across this article by Felicity Cloake in The Guardian today about food in books. Do you, like Cloake, enjoy reading a book that makes you hunger for the meals described?[/quote]
I love reading books where the food described is vivid and real and obviously important to the characters. Sometimes this makes me want to eat the food from the book, but in this case, definitely not, as I don't like most Korean food and wouldn't eat many of the things described in the book! And yet I still enjoyed reading about how important cooking and eating Korean food was to Michelle, how it connected to her culture, even though it did not make me want to rush out to a Korean restaurant. (I'm not sure there even is one here at the moment, though we've had a couple in the past).
I was interested to know how things worked out for Michelle after her mother's death, both within and beyond the scope of the book. I was glad to learn that she had and I guess still has success in her music career and that she and Peter are still together. I was disappointed but not surprised to read this essay by her, which goes a bit beyond the scope of the book in exploring how she and her father became disconnected after her mother's death. I always think it's sad when a young adult loses a parent to death and then becomes estranged from the other parent. A similar thing happens in Cheryl Strayed's memoir Wild, though in that case it was her stepfather she was left with after her mother's early death, and while he had been a father figure to her and her siblings for many years, he simply seems to have given up parenting after his wife died. I wonder how common that is.
@Trudy, I also enjoyed the parts of the memoir where Zauner spent time in South Korea. Her aunts, uncle and cousin seemed like kind people who valued her for herself despite their cultural differences. I also read the essay about her father and was saddened how things turned out and how he didn't understand why she found it difficult he had a much younger Asian girlfriend. Also, I suppose the issue with memoirs is relatives could be upset how they are portrayed and that could add to distance or tension in family relationships. I read they were going to make a movie of the book, but Zauner is used to working independently and understandably couldn't give up creative control over her own story, so the movie ended up not being made.
It was a different world for me. My parents came from different class backgrounds but not from different cultural background. Although born in Toronto, On., I was raised in New Brunswick from the age of 7. It was a very homogenous population in the seventies and the only people of colour I encountered were Blacks who had come to NB soon after the American Revolution. It took going to Ontario for grad school to start meeting people of diverse ethnic backgrounds and experiences.
2. Chongmi tells her daughter Michelle that she has never met anyone like her, explaining why she sometimes struggles to understand her. Have you experienced this as a parent or aunt/uncle or felt that your parents felt this way about you?
My going to university and becoming involved in progressive politics probably led to my mother not necessarily understanding me. New Brunswick is a small c conservative province. I also do not think my parents ever understood why I abandoned my doctoral studies nor why I considered it the best decision I ever made. Despite having made that decision over 30 years ago my 90 year old father mentioned it only last month. I joked that he was channeling my deceased mother.
3. Chongmi recommends keeping back 10 percent of yourself from people you have relationships with. Do we all keep back parts of ourselves from our friends and family? Are there relationships where this could be considered unethical?
I think authenticity is highly over-rated and not possible. We all play many roles in life where we expose parts of ourselves. I am a husband, father, friend, student services professional, teacher etc. In each of these roles people only see part of the whole me. I do not see anything unethical in this behaviour.
4. Michelle Zauner sometimes wished her mother was like her white American friend's laid back mother. As a teen did you ever wish your parents or family were different? Did you compare your parents to those of friends and peers and did you ever tell your parents you wished they were more like other parents you knew?
Once I started going to school with children from affluent upper middle class backgrounds, I did wish my working class parents had more disposable income and education. After being awarded top all-round student in grade 6, I realized how small my world was when in grade 7, I began studying with children for whom the world was their oyster. I don’t think my world became very cosmopolitan until grad school.
5. How did you interpret the situation when Chongmi was in palliative care at home. Did her friend Kye overstep family boundaries and prevent Michelle and her father providing the care they craved to provide or was Kye justified in thinking they were selfish, despite them doing their best? How did you feel about Kye leaving just before Chongmi's death after the conflict with Michelle's father?
Yes, Kye over-stepped although culture may have played some part in these interactions. That said, I am not sure Michelle and her father were up to the task looking after Chongmi.
6. I came across this article by Felicity Cloake in The Guardian today about food in books. https://www.theguardian.com/food/2026/may/12/why-food-is-the-real-star-of-my-new-novel It references both Crying in H Mart and a previous book club selection Heartburn by Nora Ephron. Do you, like Cloake, enjoy reading a book that makes you hunger for the meals described?
I take this kind of book or leave it. It depends on my attitude to the food in question.
1. Could you relate to any of Michelle Zauner's childhood experiences or was this a look into a different world for you?
Zauner's childhood both in South Korea and the U.S. were very different than my childhood experiences as a white girl with lots of siblings in 1980s/90s Australia. I always like learning about other people's life experiences.
2. Chongmi tells her daughter Michelle that she has never met anyone like her, explaining why she sometimes struggles to understand her. Have you experienced this as a parent or aunt/uncle or felt that your parents felt this way about you?
My mum and I have pretty similar personalities and suffer with anxiety so we understand each other, but also clashed quite a bit during my teenage years due to our similarities. My dad sometimes struggles to understand why we worry so much about things and why we just can't let things go sometimes or break out of negative thought cycles easily. But I have other things in common with my dad so we still have a close relationship.
I don't have my own children, but mostly can relate to my nieces and nephews and see their similarities to various family members, including myself. I do remember when my eldest two nephews were young, going to the Royal Melbourne Show, which is an agricultural show with rides and entertainment. My nephews had no interest in the farm animals at all, which surprised me as myself, parents and siblings all love animals. They do love their pet dog, but do not have the love of nature and domestic animals to the extent my immediate family has.
3. Chongmi recommends keeping back 10 percent of yourself from people you have relationships with. Do we all keep back parts of ourselves from our friends and family? Are there relationships where this could be considered unethical?
I am the type of person who tends to hold back a bit in relationships, especially outside of family. It's not intentional, just my personality and the fact I only tend to connect deeply with close family members and a few close friends, despite having a fairly wide social circle. Being bullied as a teen and choosing some poor friends and romantic interests as a younger adult also has made me more reserved.
4. Michelle Zauner sometimes wished her mother was like her white American friend's laid back mother. As a teen did you ever wish your parents or family were different? Did you compare your parents to those of friends and peers and did you ever tell your parents you wished they were more like other parents you knew?
I didn't want my parents to be like my friends' parents, but did wish my mum and I didn't have so many clashes. In between we got on well, though. As one of 5 children I sometimes wished I only had one or two siblings and could have my own room, less people to share things with and more family experiences and holidays - I never bothered entering competitions for family tickets as they nearly always were for two adults and two or three children. However I never wished any of my siblings away and was horrified at the thought of losing any of them!
5. How did you interpret the situation when Chongmi was in palliative care at home. Did her friend Kye overstep family boundaries and prevent Michelle and her father providing the care they craved to provide or was Kye justified in thinking they were selfish, despite them doing their best? How did you feel about Kye leaving just before Chongmi's death after the conflict with Michelle's father?
I think Kye stepped up to do what Michelle and her father weren't capable of, and because she and Chongmi were such close friends. However she could have been more open to letting the family help and teaching Michelle how to help. I felt sad she left before Chongmi's death after doing so much for her and was unsure if that was Chongmi's wish or not.
6. I came across this article by Felicity Cloake in The Guardian today about food in books. https://www.theguardian.com/food/2026/may/12/why-food-is-the-real-star-of-my-new-novel It references both Crying in H Mart and a previous book club selection Heartburn by Nora Ephron. Do you, like Cloake, enjoy reading a book that makes you hunger for the meals described?[/quote]
I have answered this in previous discussions, but I always feel food descriptions add to the reading experience for me because of my taste synesthesia. I do like most of the Korean foods I have tried and this book made me want to try more. There are lots of Asian supermarkets and stores near where I live so I should get adventurous and try some new foods.