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Sober people questions

BurgessBurgess Shipmate Posts: 48
in Epiphanies
Never started something before on here. Hope its ok.

Be nice if when you say "no I don't drink" people leave you alone on it. Like "I'm sober" should be like "I'm diabetic" and leave me alone because I can't drink that. Been wanting to say I'm diabetic instead of I don't drink is why I did that example. I am no diabetic and lying which is something I stopped doing after getting sober. Not doing that again either. My problem is I want to say "Leave me the f alone" and I get mad when they go at me about no partying and drinking. Working on that by not talking which is the counsellor told me to do that when I went to treatment and it works some times. What does any other people think works

Comments

  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Maybe not applicable to everyone's circumstances, but...

    I don't drink alcohol simply because I have a low tolerance for hangovers, and I always get one no matter how small the serving.

    It's been a long time since I've had to give it as a reason, as I'm rarely around people who are drinking, much less trying to pressure me into it. But it's the absolute truth, and if memory serves, it tends to end the discussion forthwith.
  • Graven ImageGraven Image Shipmate
    I do not drink because of a health issue; I simply say,"No, thank you." I seldom get pushback, it is most likely because a lot of people do not drink where I live for a large variety of reasons. As I mentioned in another thread, I do receive a lot of questions about what I am or am not eating; however.
  • HarryCHHarryCH Shipmate
    A friend asked me to name my favorite beer, and I presently said "Root".
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    You could just say “I can’t drink because of a health issue“. That is true, even if the health issue is alcoholism. And nobody should expect you to go into detail about what the health issue is.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    edited September 10
    What I’ve noticed is the “Mrs Doyle” syndrome when offering someone a drink (Oh, go on, go on, go on, go on)

    A few years ago I was at a social event where a recovering alcoholic was offered a glass of wine. He politely declined and the person offering the wine refused to take no for an answer. “Go on, just one”. “Don’t be boring*, one won’t hurt”. “Come on, you’re not driving** are you?”

    OK, in an attempt to be charitable, I accept that the person offering the wine didn’t know this guy’s predicament, but those of us who did were cringing with embarrassment and wishing he would just shut up and/or go somewhere else. In my experience, if someone says they don’t want a drink there’s usually a reason for it, so I’ll leave it.

    *Why is it considered boring not to have a drink? Usually people who drink to excess become the most boring people in the world

    ** No, he wasn’t driving. That’s because he was still serving a three year ban for drink driving from back in the days he was still drinking
  • Gracious RebelGracious Rebel Shipmate
    You shouldn't have to give a reason. I saw a cartoon on Facebook recently that illustrated many of them, and there are more reasons than immediately spring to mind, covering many issues that one would not necessarily want to share. From memory it included the following

    I'm pregnant
    I'm taking antibiotics
    I'm an alcoholic in recovery
    I'm driving
    I'm on a diet
    It's against my religion
    I don't like the taste
    Etc
  • Alan29Alan29 Shipmate
    I've a friend who says "I have an allergy to alcohol" and then changes the subject.
  • SandemaniacSandemaniac Shipmate
    My response, at least at the start of the evening, would be to ask if that was a permanent thing, so I knew not to ask again. Curious for those who don't drink - how would you regard that query?
  • HelenEvaHelenEva Shipmate
    I go with "I don't drink" and if any follow up is required I add "even a small amount of alcohol makes me feel a bit sick, which is a shame but there it is" or similar. I've not had any issues.
  • Nick TamenNick Tamen Shipmate
    Gracious Rebel wrote: »
    You shouldn't have to give a reason.
    No, you shouldn’t, but as this thread illustrates, some clods are too rude to accept “no, thank you” and let it go.

    Sandemaniac wrote: »
    My response, at least at the start of the evening, would be to ask if that was a permanent thing, so I knew not to ask again. Curious for those who don't drink - how would you regard that query?
    I do drink, but many in my family don’t. My parents didn’t, and one uncle was an alcoholic. To me that sounds a bit . . . odd?

    Personally, I always ask some version of “What would you like to drink?” or “Can I get you something to drink?,” followed by “We have . . . .” The choices will always include non-alcoholic options beyond plain water. Once they’ve chosen, I’ll follow up later with “Can I get you more/refill your ___, or would you like something else?”

    The strategy is not to specifically offer something alcoholic, as though that’s the norm or expectation, but to offer a variety of things.


  • BoogieBoogie Heaven Host
    At home I put the choices on the counter and they get their own. Plenty of choice, with or without alcohol.Choice of glass size too.

    Not drinking alcohol is becoming pretty normal where I live.

    Our arts centre has a brilliant non-alcoholic bar with many choices - cocktails, ales, lager Guinness, wines and Nosecco.

    It's leased from the Methodist Church so no alcohol allowed.

    People are rather enjoying it. 🙂

  • SandemaniacSandemaniac Shipmate
    Nick Tamen wrote: »
    Gracious Rebel wrote: »
    You shouldn't have to give a reason.
    No, you shouldn’t, but as this thread illustrates, some clods are too rude to accept “no, thank you” and let it go.

    Sandemaniac wrote: »
    My response, at least at the start of the evening, would be to ask if that was a permanent thing, so I knew not to ask again. Curious for those who don't drink - how would you regard that query?
    I do drink, but many in my family don’t. My parents didn’t, and one uncle was an alcoholic. To me that sounds a bit . . . odd?

    Personally, I always ask some version of “What would you like to drink?” or “Can I get you something to drink?,” followed by “We have . . . .” The choices will always include non-alcoholic options beyond plain water. Once they’ve chosen, I’ll follow up later with “Can I get you more/refill your ___, or would you like something else?”

    The strategy is not to specifically offer something alcoholic, as though that’s the norm or expectation, but to offer a variety of things.


    Sorry, I was thinking in terms of in a bar, as we rarely entertain at home, should have been clearer. And that I was wanting to avoid causing offence by asking again unnecessarily. But yes, at home we usually have non-alcoholic choices that will be included in the list offered.
  • Nick TamenNick Tamen Shipmate
    Sandemaniac wrote: »
    Nick Tamen wrote: »
    Gracious Rebel wrote: »
    You shouldn't have to give a reason.
    No, you shouldn’t, but as this thread illustrates, some clods are too rude to accept “no, thank you” and let it go.

    Sandemaniac wrote: »
    My response, at least at the start of the evening, would be to ask if that was a permanent thing, so I knew not to ask again. Curious for those who don't drink - how would you regard that query?
    I do drink, but many in my family don’t. My parents didn’t, and one uncle was an alcoholic. To me that sounds a bit . . . odd?

    Personally, I always ask some version of “What would you like to drink?” or “Can I get you something to drink?,” followed by “We have . . . .” The choices will always include non-alcoholic options beyond plain water. Once they’ve chosen, I’ll follow up later with “Can I get you more/refill your ___, or would you like something else?”

    The strategy is not to specifically offer something alcoholic, as though that’s the norm or expectation, but to offer a variety of things.


    Sorry, I was thinking in terms of in a bar, as we rarely entertain at home, should have been clearer. And that I was wanting to avoid causing offence by asking again unnecessarily. But yes, at home we usually have non-alcoholic choices that will be included in the list offered.
    Sorry, a bar didn’t occur to me. The norm here would be to tell the bartender/person at the bar what you want, so as a host I’d rarely be in the position of offering anyone anything to start with. But if I was headed to get something to drink, I might ask someone else “Can I get you anything?” I would only say something specific, like “Can I get you a beer?,” if I know the other person drinks beer.


  • BurgessBurgess Shipmate Posts: 48
    You got some pretty good ideas up there. Going to try some. I like that people got the same things happening where they live. Its too many cousins around here that know you from little thats my problem.

    We got pretty much every time people get together they want beer and vodka or rye to be drank by everyone. Wouldn't mind if we were a dry community like they have some places. Me I like decaff coffee if its night. People don't drink that too much.
  • CaissaCaissa Shipmate
    Our oldest son says he does not drink because of medication he takes. A true answer.
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    If you get the repetetive pushiness, I'd go, "I said no once." <push> "I said no twice." <push> "I said no three times. How far are you willing to take this? I've got all night."
  • DoublethinkDoublethink Admin, 8th Day Host
    edited 2:25AM
    I think it might be important to be clear it’s not a one time thing. Saying, I’m a teetotaller, rather than I don’t want a drink might help. (In many cultures it is considered hospitable to urge people to eat and drink, and reoffering alcohol might be part of that.)

    And if they ask why, just say, for my health, or I don’t want to discuss it.
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Of course, it doesn't help if the person being pushy is already three sheets to the wind...
  • ChastMastrChastMastr Shipmate
    I’m reminded of a sketch about someone with celiac disease (where gluten will send you to the ER) having bread pushed at them nonstop by ignorant people at an office gathering:

    https://youtu.be/XMZIAlKFRY4?si=wptzz1oJdlHZ5H7r
  • BurgessBurgess Shipmate Posts: 48
    Lamb Chopped wrote: »
    Of course, it doesn't help if the person being pushy is already three sheets to the wind...

    Looked that up. Never heard of that. Sailing ship right outta control. Good way of saying it.
    When people are already drunk we get outta there. Gotta leave. Just go. Get a ride and go. People like that make me sad. I was like that is maybe why. Sorry about it, never doing it another time. Best thing is say I'm sorry and do best kind thing I think. This is what I think church got right- that people do things wrong and hurt othet people, then you gotta say sorry and promise you going to to it right.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    mousethief wrote: »
    If you get the repetetive pushiness, I'd go, "I said no once." <push> "I said no twice." <push> "I said no three times. How far are you willing to take this? I've got all night."

    Or the Irish version: What part of 'no' do you not understand?

  • Gary2Gary2 Shipmate Posts: 17
    I do tend to just tell people I’m a recovering alcoholic. If the person questions that I start to tell them the WHOLE STORY. That soon gets rid of them haha.

    If I do want to maintain anonymity on this issue I just say health reasons.

    I am 15 years clean and sober and certainly don’t spend my time in a vicarage tea party (no offence intended!) and have been offered drinks, drugs, all sorts in the course of my social life. Saying ‘no’ happily and confidently is - as you recognise in your OP - an important part of a recovery skill-set.

    Also, as you also say, leaving a situation if one feels uncomfortable is sometimes the right thing to do. Sobriety has to come before any form of people-pleasing. If I've left in a hurry I can send a text later making some excuse in a courteous manner.
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    My "why?" response is generally along the lines of "if I need alcohol to enjoy an event it's probably not worth going to".
  • BoogieBoogie Heaven Host
    Arethosemyfeet wrote: »
    My "why?" response is generally along the lines of "if I need alcohol to enjoy an event it's probably not worth going to".

    Which is true but also rather rude, I think.
  • SojournerSojourner Shipmate
    Rude? Beg to disagree and no ruder than someone pressing alcohol on them as don’t want it. The ilder I get the more I realise that most social occasions are only bearable with the assistance of alcohol ( recalling a couple of horrors from years gone by when I was abstaining-for Lent, of course.

    Sometimes a well-turned smackdown is the last resort.
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