Thank you! Alas, I spoke too soon...the pain in the Episcopal limbs is today quite acute, despite analgesics, and just moving around the Ark is difficult and uncomfortable. Possibly only 1 cylinder is firing...
Fortunately, I have no need to Go Ashore, but must wait in for the engineer to come and install the new macerator sometime this afternoon.
I think I'm through to the other side, more or less. I strongly suspect that much of my anguish arises out of anxiety. I managed to convince myself to not be so focused on my Psych not contacting me and to think of it as his 'tough love'. I am seeing a counselor at his offices on Saturday. I know my Psych is very hard working and getting on in years, so I am just going to trust him and focus on getting well.
It's like something flicks in my head, and suddenly I have perspective and can start working on getting stability. Is it like that for anybody else?
I was anxious a few weeks ago, and I took steps to reduce stimuli (internet, for instance) as I am bipolar. I paced my workload and took time out, did my usual CBT stuff. And then perspective came back and the anxiety reduced. Anxiety, for me, comes in the period when my depression overlaps with my hypomania, leaving me unstable.
Well done, both - glad to hear you're both feeling a little more positive!
I think I could maybe do with any spare positivity you might have. Although as I've said before, I don't think I'm properly, clinically depressed, I'm still grieving, and I've found that of late my eyes are leaking rather more than I think they should.
I had a strange, but rather nice, dream about D. the other night, and while I felt OK about it when I woke up, a wee while later I was in tears, and again when I told my sister about it later in the day. I seem more prone to crying myself to sleep (which isn't so bad, as at least nobody sees me except my teddy-bear, and he's very understanding)!
I suppose it's partly anxiety; because I'm having issues with my hearing (which are being addressed, but I don't know what the outcome will be), I'm worried that I won't be able to find a job, and hence somewhere to live.
When I think of the prospect of working, earning and having my own place, I feel positive and even a bit excited, but the mechanics of getting to that point are scaring me stiff.
Sorry this has been a bit of a ramble - does it make any sense?
You’ve had to deal with several life changing situations in the last few months, it is bound to have an affect your mental health. Take things slowly and give yourself time to re-adjust to your situation.
It’s very good that you are talking to your sister about it, this will help you to make sense of it all. But if you do think you need more help, don’t be embarrassed to go to your GP.
🕯
Seeking help is a very good option. Grief is a strange business. My sister and I had it in different ways, my sister particularly effected by my Dad's death 5 years ago. I think a session or two with a grief counsellor or similar might help, assuming you haven't been down this path.
Piglet you are such a gift to these boards. I really hope you can get through this period, and integrate your grief into your life so it doesn't seem like a problem. I still cry sometimes when I remember my father, but they are mostly happy tears these days. Memories.
@Piglet, I agree with all that @Heavenlyannie and @Simon Toad have said. It’s early days and you have had several unexpected life changing events in the last few months. I pray for you all. I have had a few borderline breakdowns over the years and so never feel I can relax my vigilance, as general feelings of anxiety and lowness can, all too quickly, escalate if I don’t get my coping strategies quickly in place. It’s a bugger, but take all the time, space and support you need / can get! 🕯
Been there, done that, seen the DVD, thrown the book out of window etc. etc.
Such horrid life-changing events (which always seem to come hot on each other's heels ) are not uncommon, and neither is the subsequent Spontaneous Eye Leakage.
Better Out than In, IMHO (but, as always, I have to say IANAD).
@Piglet I think a bit of a low moment is maybe to be expected. It strikes me that before leaving Canada you were very busy, and you're now at the stage of having time to actually think about things.
The combination of a lot of free time, not much to fill it with and being a natural worrier isn't the best ...
I'll get there though - I want to make something of my life and make D. proud. We didn't get the chance to discuss what would happen in the Worst Case Scenario before it actually happened (he never came round after the second operation), and I'd like to think he's cheering me on and thinking I've done the right thing.
Piglet, grieving takes as long as it takes It's different for different for different people, and the ups and downs of the process are different for different people.
My husband died of a freak accident, and left me with two teenage daughters. At first I was extremely numb, but the numbness wore off gradually in six months. Then I spent six weeks dealing with the fact that my marriage was over--not by his choice or mine--but it was over.
Thanks, Moo! Your point about the marriage being over but not by choice echoes something my niece said to me and my sister (her mum, also a widow) shortly after D. died - "remember that neither of your husbands chose to leave you".
Not much of use to add, except to echo everyone else’s words, piglet. As well as grief, you’ve had so much work to do, which is exhausting but at least keeps you busy. And you are indeed a tremendous gift to the boards, I say, as a relative newcomer.
I was thinking about the perspective thing that Simon Toad mentions. I find that suddenly it’s there, and I realise that people don’t all hate me, and life isn’t hopeless, and there is fun to be had. The trouble I seem to be having at the moment is that having worked really hard to detach the focus of anxiety from one thing, there’s a brief moment of jubilation and then it sticks to something else. It’s a bit like when you get something stuck to you with static electricity and it just won’t get orf! I’m pleased that I’ve worked out that’s what’s happening, what I haven’t yet worked out how to do is to change that. Humph.
I've started counselling sessions again to try and work on those types of issues Jemima. We'll see how it goes. I'm also feeling that Heavenly Annie's insights into the relationship between anxiety and BPD has application to my situation.
The trouble I seem to be having at the moment is that having worked really hard to detach the focus of anxiety from one thing, there’s a brief moment of jubilation and then it sticks to something else. It’s a bit like when you get something stuck to you with static electricity and it just won’t get orf! I’m pleased that I’ve worked out that’s what’s happening, what I haven’t yet worked out how to do is to change that. Humph.
Yes. Very well described.
Be patient with yourself, {{{Piglet}}}. You've achieved so much already with the house sale and moving countries, and it's such early days. D. will be glowing with pride already.
I had a lovely catch-up with an old school friend last night, and although a lot of the talk was about D. (and also about my friend's brother, who died of cancer a year or two ago), I managed not to have leaky eyes, and not to cry myself to sleep when I got home either.
Work is going to be intense for the next few weeks and life generally quite fraught.
In the middle of the night, I so often don't really want to exist.
Good hours and bad hours but this is the worst I've been for a while. It's usually at this point in the year as my sunlight exposure increases that I feel better.
No sunshine here to share today, but I hope the almighty wind we have will carry my thoughts and best wishes to you AFZ. Those middle of the night thoughts are the worse. I hope the light and longer days help. And know as you sleep, or go through the night, you're being thought of in the Antipodes.
AFZ, what a magnificent worker and a lovely little thinker. I present to you Monty Python's Philosopher's Song. I'm pretty sure Bruce taught me Introduction to Philosophy.
AFZ, what a magnificent worker and a lovely little thinker. I present to you Monty Python's Philosopher's Song. I'm pretty sure Bruce taught me Introduction to Philosophy.
I haven't seen that one before!
I am adopting my distraction mode - watched a couple of episodes of the brilliant Speechless last night. That helped.
The sun is up and I am good this morning... it's as you all know a cliched ride on a something or other minus the fun part...
🕯 for AFZ
I was quite panicky last night and didn’t sleep well (neither did my husband as he owns a tech start up and is currently implementing a work at home policy). But today I woke up to discover my 15 year old has a cough and we are now all in isolation, and I’m actually feeling okay - my practical nurse persona has kicked in.
I’m off for an isolated walk before the local school run comes past my house.
I'm sorry to hear about the panic, the lack of sleep for both of you, and the isolation -- but it's good to hear you are feeling okay. Lots of good thoughts for those sensible nurse personas (wish I had them...) for you.
Prayers for AFZ. I know that I lay awake half the night working out what an elderly congregation can do and should do. But this morning I have posted on the local Facebook page and offered to coordinate offers of help, and having done something positive feels better.
Prayers for all. Cathscats, our minister and three others have set up a FB page for the village to co-ordinate offers of help and requests for help. 500 offers of help and no requests so far.
That's the way it will be everywhere. People wanting to help long before anyone needs it. But by offering they feel better, and to know that there is someone coordinating things makes it feel more manageable, which is good for us all.
Thanks for the Monty Python link, @Simon Toad! Whenever Aristotle came up as a crossword answer, D. would quote, "Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle" - I don't think it had occurred to me where it came from!
Had an initial phone call with our local MH trust last week. Sadly there’s a 3-month waiting list for actual counselling and it’s not in person any more, only over the phone or online.
I had hoped that invoking the 3 month notice period on my current job (which I did at the weekend) would reduce my anxiety levels and lift my mood, but I’m now worrying that I’ve done the wrong thing. That combined with increased WFH right now (and the consequent lack of social contact) means I’m feeling particularly wretched.
All of this does seem particularly self-centred - apologies to all.
I had posted this list in another thread, but it occurred to be it might be useful here. Sorry that I lack the language skills and google-fu to find the right links for other territories - but some of the organizations listed are international, I think.
SRO, I am very familiar with the feeling that I am being too self-centred or whatever. While I am an over-sharer (see), I experience that thought as part of questioning myself and what I am doing in a way that impairs my recovery.
I help myself when I pay very close attention to me, and come to identify what it is I am doing to myself, or the feelings I am having. That helps me to see reality I think, rather than reality through the distortion of depression or another mood imbalance. In other words, to stay well, or interrupt a decline, I have to be self centred.
SRO, I am very familiar with the feeling that I am being too self-centred or whatever. While I am an over-sharer (see), I experience that thought as part of questioning myself and what I am doing in a way that impairs my recovery.
I help myself when I pay very close attention to me, and come to identify what it is I am doing to myself, or the feelings I am having. That helps me to see reality I think, rather than reality through the distortion of depression or another mood imbalance. In other words, to stay well, or interrupt a decline, I have to be self centred.
Yes, I manage my bipolar similarly - I can relate to all of that.
Just a quick update. I am back on medication for the first time in 20 years.
A few bad days over the last week made me think. Given the coming storm and work-related stresses, I thought it wise to be proactive.
In normal circumstances, I probably wouldn't have called the GP. I say that not to pretend to be stronger than I am or to down play the role of medication but because I know my depression is horrible but usually short-lived. I know that many who read this thread are not so fortunate. For some the Black Dog is a relentless bastard. Mine isn't like that, he seems to get bored easily but unfortunately he is also desperately loyal. Last time I went on medication I had been struggling for months. I realised that it would be deeply foolish to wait to see if my black cloud lifted on it's own right now.
What's my point? Be kind to yourself. Ask for what you need. Be proactive.
Comments
Fortunately, I have no need to Go Ashore, but must wait in for the engineer to come and install the new macerator sometime this afternoon.
The new macerator is up and running (well, pumping). The Episcopal Treasure-Chest is now, however, empty...
It's like something flicks in my head, and suddenly I have perspective and can start working on getting stability. Is it like that for anybody else?
I think I could maybe do with any spare positivity you might have. Although as I've said before, I don't think I'm properly, clinically depressed, I'm still grieving, and I've found that of late my eyes are leaking rather more than I think they should.
I had a strange, but rather nice, dream about D. the other night, and while I felt OK about it when I woke up, a wee while later I was in tears, and again when I told my sister about it later in the day. I seem more prone to crying myself to sleep (which isn't so bad, as at least nobody sees me except my teddy-bear, and he's very understanding)!
I suppose it's partly anxiety; because I'm having issues with my hearing (which are being addressed, but I don't know what the outcome will be), I'm worried that I won't be able to find a job, and hence somewhere to live.
When I think of the prospect of working, earning and having my own place, I feel positive and even a bit excited, but the mechanics of getting to that point are scaring me stiff.
Sorry this has been a bit of a ramble - does it make any sense?
It’s very good that you are talking to your sister about it, this will help you to make sense of it all. But if you do think you need more help, don’t be embarrassed to go to your GP.
🕯
Piglet you are such a gift to these boards. I really hope you can get through this period, and integrate your grief into your life so it doesn't seem like a problem. I still cry sometimes when I remember my father, but they are mostly happy tears these days. Memories.
Been there, done that, seen the DVD, thrown the book out of window etc. etc.
Such horrid life-changing events (which always seem to come hot on each other's heels
Better Out than In, IMHO (but, as always, I have to say IANAD).
Be kind to yourself.
The combination of a lot of free time, not much to fill it with and being a natural worrier isn't the best ...
I'll get there though - I want to make something of my life and make D. proud. We didn't get the chance to discuss what would happen in the Worst Case Scenario before it actually happened (he never came round after the second operation), and I'd like to think he's cheering me on and thinking I've done the right thing.
My husband died of a freak accident, and left me with two teenage daughters. At first I was extremely numb, but the numbness wore off gradually in six months. Then I spent six weeks dealing with the fact that my marriage was over--not by his choice or mine--but it was over.
I wish you strength and peace as you grieve.
It's a comforting thought ... sort of.
I was thinking about the perspective thing that Simon Toad mentions. I find that suddenly it’s there, and I realise that people don’t all hate me, and life isn’t hopeless, and there is fun to be had. The trouble I seem to be having at the moment is that having worked really hard to detach the focus of anxiety from one thing, there’s a brief moment of jubilation and then it sticks to something else. It’s a bit like when you get something stuck to you with static electricity and it just won’t get orf! I’m pleased that I’ve worked out that’s what’s happening, what I haven’t yet worked out how to do is to change that. Humph.
Be patient with yourself, {{{Piglet}}}. You've achieved so much already with the house sale and moving countries, and it's such early days. D. will be glowing with pride already.
{{ Simon }} -- hope the counselling goes well
{{ Jemima }} -- well-described indeed. My warmest and best wishes.
{{ BF and limbs }}
{{ all }
I had a lovely catch-up with an old school friend last night, and although a lot of the talk was about D. (and also about my friend's brother, who died of cancer a year or two ago), I managed not to have leaky eyes, and not to cry myself to sleep when I got home either.
Onwards and upwards ...
{{{everyone}}}
PS I'm a bit off kilter, too.
Enjoy this one-star review turned into a card from a person visiting a National Park in your fine state.
Work is going to be intense for the next few weeks and life generally quite fraught.
In the middle of the night, I so often don't really want to exist.
Good hours and bad hours but this is the worst I've been for a while. It's usually at this point in the year as my sunlight exposure increases that I feel better.
Just sharing...
AFZ
Hardly surprising that you're feeling low, under the present circumstances.
They will pass.
I haven't seen that one before!
I am adopting my distraction mode - watched a couple of episodes of the brilliant Speechless last night. That helped.
The sun is up and I am good this morning... it's as you all know a cliched ride on a something or other minus the fun part...
Alien OK. You people wonderful.
AFZ
I was quite panicky last night and didn’t sleep well (neither did my husband as he owns a tech start up and is currently implementing a work at home policy). But today I woke up to discover my 15 year old has a cough and we are now all in isolation, and I’m actually feeling okay - my practical nurse persona has kicked in.
I’m off for an isolated walk before the local school run comes past my house.
Hope you enjoyed the walk!
I had hoped that invoking the 3 month notice period on my current job (which I did at the weekend) would reduce my anxiety levels and lift my mood, but I’m now worrying that I’ve done the wrong thing. That combined with increased WFH right now (and the consequent lack of social contact) means I’m feeling particularly wretched.
All of this does seem particularly self-centred - apologies to all.
For others who may also be struggling and feel they may need support, here is a list of mental health links and helplines -
in the UK
in Australia
in New Zealand
in the USA
in Canada
I had posted this list in another thread, but it occurred to be it might be useful here. Sorry that I lack the language skills and google-fu to find the right links for other territories - but some of the organizations listed are international, I think.
Take care of yourself, everyone.
I help myself when I pay very close attention to me, and come to identify what it is I am doing to myself, or the feelings I am having. That helps me to see reality I think, rather than reality through the distortion of depression or another mood imbalance. In other words, to stay well, or interrupt a decline, I have to be self centred.
A few bad days over the last week made me think. Given the coming storm and work-related stresses, I thought it wise to be proactive.
In normal circumstances, I probably wouldn't have called the GP. I say that not to pretend to be stronger than I am or to down play the role of medication but because I know my depression is horrible but usually short-lived. I know that many who read this thread are not so fortunate. For some the Black Dog is a relentless bastard. Mine isn't like that, he seems to get bored easily but unfortunately he is also desperately loyal. Last time I went on medication I had been struggling for months. I realised that it would be deeply foolish to wait to see if my black cloud lifted on it's own right now.
What's my point? Be kind to yourself. Ask for what you need. Be proactive.
God bless all of you.
AFZ