My kids are ghastly.

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  • AravisAravis Shipmate
    I think mine was about that age when she managed to remove an ornamental brass thing from the bottom of the lectern and prise up several tiles (not obviously loose) near the altar rail.
  • RooK wrote: »
    I know I've said this too many times, but if I were to write a book on parenting¹, it would be titled "Plug The Scream Hole".

    ¹ More of a memoir than a guide, obviously.

    There was a book entitled, "Baby, go the Fuck to sleep". I bought it for several friends, and it was always well received.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    My brother in law can do an amazingly realistic impression of a young baby crying. I swear the effect it has on anyone who's been a parent is akin to PTSD.
  • RooKRooK Admin Emeritus
    RooK wrote: »
    I know I've said this too many times, but if I were to write a book on parenting¹, it would be titled "Plug The Scream Hole".

    ¹ More of a memoir than a guide, obviously.

    There was a book entitled, "Baby, go the Fuck to sleep". I bought it for several friends, and it was always well received.

    We had that book. And gave it as a gift a few times. The real gift is watching the YouTube video of Samuel Jackson reading it.
    KarlLB wrote: »
    My brother in law can do an amazingly realistic impression of a young baby crying. I swear the effect it has on anyone who's been a parent is akin to PTSD.

    Your BiL sounds like a terrible person, with a possible career as a CIA/MI6 interrogator.
  • anoesisanoesis Shipmate
    There was a book entitled, "Baby, go the Fuck to sleep". I bought it for several friends, and it was always well received.
    I own it :smile: - the authors followed up with 'You have to fucking eat', which is the next battle. Happy to report I am through the other side of that one as well. The bad news is we have moved on to Go the Fuck to Sleep Version 2 - the one where they pop up back in the lounge like jack-in-the-boxes one after another saying things like my bones hurt and my teeth are hot and there's this weird thing on my elbow and what is this underneath my fingernail and I forgot but you have to sign these three forms before yesterday and also there is a science project due tomorrow and who the hell knows what else...
  • Ricardus wrote: »
    If it's got moveable or detachable parts, then it's a toy.

    If it doesn't, then some need to be created as soon as possible ...

    That brings back memories of my two dismantling one of those stainless steel equipment trolleys while we were in a paediatrician's consulting room. They were two years old and had no tools, just small hands and determination.

    Yep. My brother did the same to his entire crib at age 18 months. Mother came in and found him sitting in the ruins.
  • TheOrganistTheOrganist Shipmate
    edited March 2020
    Oh, twins are something else. Safety barriers or gates? Useless even before they could stand up: one gives the other a boost and the obstacle is surmounted. Large screw-top jar of Sudocreme? One holds, the other twists and then both can paint Grandma's valuable Persian rug with the contents :anguished: As for those infuriating gadgets designed to keep small people out of cupboards, our children were the only people in the house who could open them up first go and one-handed.

    A paediatrician member of our group for parents of multiples reckoned that where a singleton could carry out roughly 20% of the daft/dangerous things that came to mind, twins increased that to about 80%.
  • RossweisseRossweisse Hell Host, 8th Day Host
    Junior Valkyrie Major loved naps, and took long ones, sometimes voluntarily: "I fink I go have a nice nap." She also slept through from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. at one month. She was a very sweet little girl.

    Junior Valkyrie Minor deeply resented naps, and fought off sleep. She was always afraid of missing something. She was an angry baby.

    The interesting things is that they switched roles in adolescence: JV Major turned angry and unhappy; JV Minor turned sweet (for an adolescent) and loving. And so they remain as young adults. Odd.
  • LL was sweet but utterly miserable due to an undiagnosed stomach problem that caused projectile vomiting and failure to thrive. That was the suckiest year of my life bar none. It took him 1 hour to eat (and we're talking one, then two oz. at a time), then he had to be held in an upright position (and would still spew), and then half an hour of sleep--before we started it all over again. And this went on till he was six months old. He didn't sleep through the night till two, if then. GRRRRRRrrrrrrr.

    Thing was, I didn't dare bitch, because we had spent years infertile and he was our miracle baby. Looking back, bitching might have saved my sanity (such as it was).
  • la vie en rougela vie en rouge Circus Host, 8th Day Host
    As we speak, I think Captain Pyjamas is in the process of dismantling his playpen. (I hear those of you who think said incarceration device is cruel but it's the only way to get any work done at home.) To be fair I'm basically letting him do it because for the time being undoing the screws is keeping him wonderfully quiet.
  • Thing was, I didn't dare bitch, because we had spent years infertile and he was our miracle baby. Looking back, bitching might have saved my sanity (such as it was).

    We’re in a similar position here.
  • @la vie en rouge the trick that was suggested to me was to put you in the playpen and allow the toddler to play in your toddler proofed living space (it was to let people sew or do dangerous things in toddler sight
  • Talking of safety gates being dismantled, can't you electrify them?
  • la vie en rougela vie en rouge Circus Host, 8th Day Host
    I was wrong. He was occupied removing his dungarees 😲

    Kept him quiet for ages though.
  • LL was sweet but utterly miserable due to an undiagnosed stomach problem that caused projectile vomiting and failure to thrive. That was the suckiest year of my life bar none. It took him 1 hour to eat (and we're talking one, then two oz. at a time), then he had to be held in an upright position (and would still spew), and then half an hour of sleep--before we started it all over again. And this went on till he was six months old. He didn't sleep through the night till two, if then. GRRRRRRrrrrrrr.

    Thing was, I didn't dare bitch, because we had spent years infertile and he was our miracle baby. Looking back, bitching might have saved my sanity (such as it was).

    Slightly twisted gullet? Sounds like one of ours. And as he grew older trying to persuade people that "just the last mouthful" was going to mean the whole meal coming back was always an issue.
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    edited March 2020
    Marvin: Then DO bitch. Find bitch-mates who will put up with you bending their ears and not say asshole things like "but this is what you wanted, right?' If you can't find any in real life, do it on the internet (see: "My kids are ghastly" thread). There's no sense holding it in, bitching began in the garden of Eden (or just outside) and may make you feel better.

    TheOrganist, ours was an extremely weak (as in, totally incompetent) stomach valve secondary to Ehlers-Danlos, a collagen disorder. and OF COURSE our pediatrician refused to do more than the most basic GI testing, sending us off instead for EEGs and karyotyping and MRIs and what not, at vast expense and terror. I refer to it as the summer of fear. And after all that (and suggestions of agenesis of part of the brain and/or mosaic Downs Syndrome), what do we get but... the same thing the whole freaking family has. And again, a fear that if we bitched, our great good fortune in having such a relatively minor issue would somehow disappear.

    Grrrrrr.
  • Conserving food is very difficult when no amount of explaining and parental grumping stops children taking food 3 times today without asking.
  • Pendragon wrote: »
    Conserving food is very difficult when no amount of explaining and parental grumping stops children taking food 3 times today without asking.

    How old are kids? If old enough, issuing a ration and giving them a choice when to eat it, might work. If not - hide the ready-to-eat food and just leave dry pasta (yeah, with the toilet rolls) and potatoes on view? Tell them you'll stop buying biscuits or crisps or stuff for 'afters' until 24 hours after they last offend, and do it?
  • 5 and almost 3. The big problem is the refrigerated stuff: he can defeat fridge locks, and although cakes are getting locked away, I can't do that to cheese and similar things.
  • Gaffer tape above his reach level ?
  • Curiosity killedCuriosity killed Shipmate
    edited March 2020
    Is there an alternative that you can give him that isn't going to cause so much of a problem? We were allowed to pick on carrots when we were hungry as kids, because we had them by the sackful, or apples or pears in autumn because trees. That would make the deal that he's allowed to eat x if he's hungry, and nothing else? It's knowing what is available and accessible.
  • anoesisanoesis Shipmate
    Pendragon wrote: »
    5 and almost 3. The big problem is the refrigerated stuff: he can defeat fridge locks, and although cakes are getting locked away, I can't do that to cheese and similar things.
    Put some mousetraps in front of them...
    :wink:
  • Rossweisse wrote: »
    The interesting things is that they switched roles in adolescence:

    Ours stayed the same, but the implications switched in adolescence. Our sweet, easy-going charming child remained sweet, charming and easy going ("I did really well! I passed the exam! I got a C-, ! Are you doing laundry? Can you shove some of mine in? If you're going to the shops, I'd like some chocolate) and our determined, independent, stroppy child remained determined, independent and stroppy ("The exam went badly! I scraped an A by only 2 marks. I'll do better next time!" I'm doing a dark load, and I've space for a bit more, do you want me to do some of yours? I'm popping round to Rs to return a book; I see we're low on milk, do you want me to buy more on the way back?)

    Independent Child is brilliant now, but was a nightmare growing up. There was the Sunday morning we awoke with a start thinking someone was breaking into the house. It was I.C. brandishing a newspaper from the newsagents and saying "See! I told you I was old enough to cross roads on my own!" She had left a note on the kitchen table which read "Der Famly, I hav gon to get the paprs."

    Or the time I got out of bed to get a glass of water from the kitchen and was startled to find the oven on and a tray of cupcakes baking. "See!" quoth I.C. "I am old enough to use a hot oven"

  • I don't have children I haunt this thread for the stories. NEQ - that is hilarious, though, had I been in your place, my response would likely have been, "Oh, dear God..."
  • Oh, the memories this thread brings back! One in particular: 2 small independent minded boys plus just under a kilo of seedless grapes does not equal parental bliss :grimace:

  • Independent Child is brilliant now, but was a nightmare growing up. There was the Sunday morning we awoke with a start thinking someone was breaking into the house. It was I.C. brandishing a newspaper from the newsagents and saying "See! I told you I was old enough to cross roads on my own!" She had left a note on the kitchen table which read "Der Famly, I hav gon to get the paprs."

    Or the time I got out of bed to get a glass of water from the kitchen and was startled to find the oven on and a tray of cupcakes baking. "See!" quoth I.C. "I am old enough to use a hot oven"

    I think I've just had a glimpse into my daughter's future.
  • Hang in there, Arethosemyfeet. So far this morning Independent Child (23) has repaired our bird table, mopped the bathroom floor and made lunch. Easy going child (26) has got up, but is still in his PJs.
  • Speaking of using a hot oven...

    LL helped me make a lovely baked chicken yesterday. Guess who was the idiot who gave herself an oven burn?

    Ow.
  • Aged nearly 3, Kid A was very fond indeed of Fireman Sam, a tv show, and she used to practice being Fireman Sam in the back garden, by turning on the hose and hosing down her (plastic) playhouse. One day she was pottering in the garden, I was feeding Kid B (probably about 4 months old) and it sounded like the hosing was closer than usual. Sure enough, she was hosing down the kitchen. Remarkably, she missed all the electric stuff.
  • anoesisanoesis Shipmate
    Aged nearly 3, Kid A was very fond indeed of Fireman Sam, a tv show, and she used to practice being Fireman Sam in the back garden, by turning on the hose and hosing down her (plastic) playhouse. One day she was pottering in the garden, I was feeding Kid B (probably about 4 months old) and it sounded like the hosing was closer than usual. Sure enough, she was hosing down the kitchen. Remarkably, she missed all the electric stuff.

    Oh, man. My first little helper decided to 'clean' the tv with a bottle of spray cleaner that I had stupidly left within toddler-reach, and comprehensively broke it. We had had it for all of two weeks. I was surprised to discover that contents insurance covered such events, but it did (although of course there was the small matter of a $300 excess). You live and learn.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    edited March 2020
    A bit off topic but I was surprised to hear my insurance would cover my hearing aids being eaten by a dog. But of course you would need pet insurance for the dog as the batteries are lethal.

    Dogs, not being fussy eaters ate attracted by ear wax.

    :vomit smiley:
  • SusanDorisSusanDoris Shipmate
    edited March 2020
    catching up on about 50 posts, that has been a most entertaining read - gratitude to all for a smiley start to another week of being house-bound. Huia, your post - was a definite laugh out loud!
  • anoesisanoesis Shipmate
    edited March 2020
    Hang in there, Arethosemyfeet. So far this morning Independent Child (23) has repaired our bird table, mopped the bathroom floor and made lunch. Easy going child (26) has got up, but is still in his PJs.
    I have to say, by the time you get to day fourscore and whatever of this everyone-stay-at-home-all-the-time thing, that the one sitting around in his pyjamas is probably more relaxing company than the one who has run out of things to fix, organise, and clean...
  • Though that one will be conquering the world through cyberspace.
  • anoesis wrote: »
    Hang in there, Arethosemyfeet. So far this morning Independent Child (23) has repaired our bird table, mopped the bathroom floor and made lunch. Easy going child (26) has got up, but is still in his PJs.
    I have to say, by the time you get to day fourscore and whatever of this everyone-stay-at-home-all-the-time thing, that the one sitting around in his pyjamas is probably more relaxing company than the one who has run out of things to fix, organise, and clean...

    There is enough to do in the house / garden to keep her going; even if it means venturing into the loft and tidying that.
  • anoesisanoesis Shipmate
    There is enough to do in the house / garden to keep her going; even if it means venturing into the loft and tidying that.
    :wink: Fair enough!
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    NEQ - I would hire someone like that to help sort my house - except she wouldn't be allowed in the country at the moment.
  • HelenEvaHelenEva Shipmate
    Huia wrote: »
    A bit off topic but I was surprised to hear my insurance would cover my hearing aids being eaten by a dog. But of course you would need pet insurance for the dog as the batteries are lethal.

    Dogs, not being fussy eaters ate attracted by ear wax.

    A dear life long friend had her hearing aid eaten by a dog. I'm mildly disappointed to learn this is a normal thing to happen. The dog was fine, the hearing aid, not so much.
  • Too much information :grimace:
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    My cousin adopted a toddler from China who turned out to be special needs. She loves her very much but she has been a handful, retaining the intellect of a seven year old. This was especially ghastly several years ago when puberty kicked in and she became a teenager with few coping skills. I called my cousin when Covid-19 started fearing they both were going bonkers with the youngster out of school. Nope :) . The girl had been learning self help skills at school and was having a grand old time helping Mom with the housework. I just hope it lasts. (cross fingers!)
  • When my youngest was a toddler, I was sitting in the lounge when suddenly I could smell bacon. At first I thought it must be coming from next door but soon realised it was closer and went rapidly into the kitchen where I turned off the grill and opened the oven door, and then had to put out the flames from the rush of air. There had been bacon fat in the tray from earlier in the day.
    His older brother at the same age had shown similar skills at alarming me; over a 3 week period he had managed to burn his hand putting a plastic yoghurt pot in a hot oven, jump into the (thankfully shallow) fountain at the botanic gardens despite two of us watching him, and lastly swallow a penny and get it stuck in his trachea - emergency nurse skills definitely kicked in with that last one, though he was very upset that I wouldn’t give him the penny back.
  • You've reminded me, Annie, that I once had a real talent for getting boiled sweets (remember them?) stuck in my windpipe. It happened so often I was banned from having them,, even on long car journeys where they used to feature heavily (tins with lots of icing sugar and sweets rattling around in them, as I remember. Ah, the scorch of hot vinyl on legs in short trousers, and the stench of petrol and leaking exhaust fumes :smile: ).
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    and lastly swallow a penny and get it stuck in his trachea - emergency nurse skills definitely kicked in with that last one, though he was very upset that I wouldn’t give him the penny back.

    You didn't give the penny back? What a mean Mum :wink: - and a very wise one. Not getting it back probably stopped it happening again.

  • HeavenlyannieHeavenlyannie Shipmate
    edited April 2020
    You've reminded me, Annie, that I once had a real talent for getting boiled sweets (remember them?) stuck in my windpipe. It happened so often I was banned from having them,, even on long car journeys where they used to feature heavily (tins with lots of icing sugar and sweets rattling around in them, as I remember. Ah, the scorch of hot vinyl on legs in short trousers, and the stench of petrol and leaking exhaust fumes :smile: ).
    You can still get those tins of boiled sweets!
    My family car journeys often consisted of travelling in the boot of an estate car (I was the youngest of 8 children). My twin brother was at a state boarding school for visually impaired children in Coventry (he was born with congenital cataracts and is partially sighted) and once when we visited him my Dad hired a Luton van to drive us all up the M1! Now I come to think of it, I remember being in a van to go on a camping holiday so that obviously wasn’t the only time. Ahh, the 1970s...
  • You've reminded me, Annie, that I once had a real talent for getting boiled sweets (remember them?) stuck in my windpipe.

    I once stopped my dad changing a plug by swallowing the fuse. He got it back a day or so later, but I don’t remember if it ended up back in the plug or not...
  • You've reminded me, Annie, that I once had a real talent for getting boiled sweets (remember them?) stuck in my windpipe.

    I once stopped my dad changing a plug by swallowing the fuse. He got it back a day or so later, but I don’t remember if it ended up back in the plug or not...

    That's very good :smile: I remember my kids being suitably disgusted when I told them that if the crown I'd just had fitted at great expense fell off and I swallowed it, I'd certainly be making sure I got it back again...
  • RicardusRicardus Shipmate
    There's an episode of The Glums where Mr Glum tells the hospital there's been an unprecedented medical emergency, because Ron Glum has got a sixpence stuck up his nose.

    Mr Glum: Please forgive a father's anxiety. I was speaking not just as the father of the boy, but also as the owner of the sixpence.
  • Ricardus wrote: »
    There's an episode of The Glums where Mr Glum tells the hospital there's been an unprecedented medical emergency, because Ron Glum has got a sixpence stuck up his nose.

    Mr Glum: Please forgive a father's anxiety. I was speaking not just as the father of the boy, but also as the owner of the sixpence.

    Brilliant!
  • A friend of ours reckons children enter the grunt phase at about 11 and start coming out of it at about 19.
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