Something funny
I just came across this and thought other shippies would enjoy it.
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.[2]

Comments
In other news, did I mention I lost my job at the aquarium?
This always happens in a general joke thread. Shows we're right on track. Maybe time for the next joke. You go.
"You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good… Joan Crawford is dead. Good!"
An old engineer’s time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer heads back down, checks in at the gates of hell and is let right in. Pretty soon, he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. Despite the large number of program managers, purchasing agents and financial controllers there - where else can they go? - everything goes smoothly. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a popular man. He settles comfortably back into his old profession - hardly anything has changed from back on earth, except the boss appreciates him now, and the working conditions are better.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks, a little smugly, it must be said, "How are things down there in hell?" Satan replies, "It's going pretty well. We have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs his head off and answers, "Aye, right - and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
Egg 1 asks egg 2, "Why are you all furry and green on the inside?"
Egg 2: "Because I'm a kiwi."
The bartender said, "I'm sorry. We don't serve food."
Same thing with the Virgin Islands.
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There are no canaries there, either.
P.
“Single or double?” asks the shopkeeper.
“Double.”
“Sir, I think you mean you want a LARGE one?”
https://youtu.be/L5CNHDeF2xA
Thank you for that! I'd been thinking about the "Don't touch your nose" episode but forgotten the others.
I loved M*A*S*H.
A woman walked in to a bar and asked the barman for an innuendo
So he gave her one
Man: Hello, ambulance service?
Woman: Yes, how can I help?
Man: I'm out hunting with my friend, my gun went off accidentally, and I think he's dead
Woman: First of all, can you please make sure he's dead?
Pause - LOUD BANG
Man:: Right I've done that, what do I do next?
He runs through the henhouse yelling, "Colonel Sanders is coming!"
SORRY WE'RE CLOTHED
"A prostitute", the young lady replies.
The nun faints in horror, and is carried by some of the other girls to the infirmary. When she comes to, she asks to speak with the offending girl.
"Wh-what did you say you wanted to be?" asks the nun.
"A prostitute", says the girl.
Policeman is in the hills around [insert local area here] with his radar speed camera, watching for those speeding along country roads
Hearing a strange noise he points his gun in the general direction - it very quickly reads up to 250+mph before the display breaks and wisps of smoke start coming out.
shortly after, an air force jet on low level flying practice streaks past him
Annoyed, once he is back at the police station he writes a letter to the local air-force base along the lines of:
"Dear Air-force, I was in the hills around [..] on [date] and one of your planes was flying so fast, it broke my speed radar gun. Please find enclosed photo proof and a bill for its replacement"
A few days letter he receives a letter in return
"Dear Policeman - we have investigated your letter of complaint, and confirm that we were operating in the area at the time
We have spoken with the pilot involved - he has noted that during his flight run he noticed a strange radar source had locked on to his aircraft. He was in the process of activating a retaliatory missile strike on the source when he spotted you on the hills and prevented the launch. Please consider yourself lucky."
(This is clearly a pre-Plague story).
The family arrives, and the old man, with his dying gasps, addresses his sons:
'Charlie, you can have all my properties in Canary Wharf. Fred, you can have all my properties in the City of London. Jim, you can have all my properties in the West End. Tom, you can have all my other properties south of the Thames, and Dick, you can have all the rest of the properties north of the Thames'.
The old man breathes his last, and passes peacefully away.
The doctor says to the assembled family 'O what a wonderful inheritance your poor dear father has bequeathed to you! What a peaceful and painless end! Why are you all looking so glum?'
Family - 'HE WAS A BLOODY WINDOW-CLEANER!!!'
I'll get me coat...
The first time I saw this I heard he was a chimney sweep.
Getting my coat too.
At the end of the summer Greg meets Satan in the corridor, and says, "Erm, you know, Satan, I really enjoyed the work here this summer, so after third year, I'd really like to do my articling here."
Satan gives him a slap on the back, gives an avuncular laugh, and says, "Greg, we'd love to have you back! Do decently in third year, and you can consider it done!" He looks around conspiratorially, and whispers, "And, by the way, I noticed that you and Lucy were quite sweet on one another - and she is coming back."
Greg gets through his third year with flying colours, and immediately packs up for Hell. No sooner in the office doors than one of the senior parters hands him a stack of files and says, I need these on my desk first thing tomorrow. Good Lord, Greg thinks. On his way to his office another senior partner says, "Who are You?"
"Greg."
"I don't know who are - and don't care. Here are my motions. I'm due in Court right after lunch."
Greg encounters Lucy in the corridor, as he's balancing his stack of files. "Hi, Lucy."
She looks at him with disgust. "You're a fucking creep. Fuck off and never speak to me again.
Greg is completely confused. He gets to his office. The air conditioning is broken. He just barely gets through his motions. The senior partner bellows at him, "I said I needed them before lunch!" He gets to work on the other files. He hasn't had lunch, looks at his watch and it's now 1 am. He puts his head down for a minute, and another partner sticks his head in, "Slacking, Greg? Doesn't look good. No, not at all."
This goes on for what seems an eternity. Greg has had enough. After repeated attempts he finally gets an appointment with Satan.
"You know, Satan, I didn't sign on for this. It was all easy, we socialised, feasted, danced, Lucy was great. Now it's all unreasonable demands - impossible, really - I have no social life, Lucy hates me, and I never leave the office."
Satan starts laughing uproariously, holding his sides. "Oh, Greg. You must have been on the summer plan!"
That one has a fond place in my memory as the first "grown up" joke I remember hearing as a child -- not being fully clear what a prostitute was, but knowing it was funny because that was something naughty.
What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
I woke up exhausted.
Have you ever eaten a clock?
As in the song, "R0, is it me you're looking for?"
Get on it!
I've heard a slightly different version of the punchline; "Last week we were recruiting you. Now you're staff."
“Without me you can’t have mass!”
What do you call Batman running out of a Church?
Christian Bail
Four Jewish ladies are having lunch in a restaurant. The waiter comes up to the table, and asks 'Ladies - is anything all right?'
When, after rather a long wait, he brings their food, he calls out, "Which of you was it that ordered the clean plate?"
The Rabbit says 'I think I'm a typo....'