Ship Eurovision

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  • edited June 2020
    The Klingons eye the the pasta, asking "Is your gagh stewed properly?". (Gagh is a Klingon delicacy of (usually live) serpent worms, usually eaten raw, but occasionally eaten stewed.) The Klingons ask if it was cooked properly live, and what the stew surrounding the worms is*. They are developing respect for these Italians who appear to share ethnic cuisine with them.

    *of the 51 kinds of gagh, the most popular ones are:

    Bithool gagh, which has feet
    Filden gagh, which squirms
    Meshta gagh, which jumps
    Torgud gagh, which wiggles
    Wistan gagh, which is packed in targ blood (a targ looks like a wild boor with rhino horns and very sharp fins down its back. Very aggressive.)
  • PendragonPendragon Shipmate
    edited June 2020
    The translator puts the question to Pietro and the technical wizard, their cousin Chiara. (The whole Italian contingent is related to each other some where along the line this year and bored the rest of the family to death planning it on the family Zoom calls).

    Chiara had been feeling quite relieved that the visuals didn't look too bad, and that the lo-tech approach to staging had paid off. At an explanation of the Klingon's question, she goes a delicate shade of green.

    Having gulped enough times she says that she can't say exactly what type of pasta it was, but it would have been perfectly cooked. At this point Pietro interjects that it definitely would have been absolutely delicious.

  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    Practice: while we wait for the next entry here is a word from our sponsors
    Sponsors: Buy our stuff. Why not try our new prune pasta? A warrior would never go without it.
  • PendragonPendragon Shipmate
    More pertinently Thierry and Patrice, who is still left to perform? I think the green room and audience alike might be getting confused in all this chaos.
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    You ain’t wrong there, @Pendragon 🤣!
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    'If you're short of an interval turn, the lads here could do their Black Sabbath medley'.

    'Or Ayesha does a great Björk'.

    'Or, y'know, both at once'.

  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Oh, both at once, please!
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    'Oh here, can I do my Kate Bush? I'm brilliant at that so I am'.

    'Sure. Why not?'

    'Youse are having all the fun. Can I do Annie's Song?'

    'How's about a bit of snare with that? See me, see Boléro, I'm all over it'.

    The audience are treated to a musical tapestry of ostinato drum beat, warbling flute, crashing guitar cords and Ayesha gamely running up that hill, all accelerating to a finale reminiscent of grand pianos exploding in a cats' home during a thunderstorm.
  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    Thiery: I am hearing from the director and we seem to be missing the entry from the USA. Can anyone find them. Have you checked down the back of the sofa
  • PriscillaPriscilla Shipmate
    "Firenze wrote: »
    all accelerating to a finale reminiscent of grand pianos exploding in a cats' home during a thunderstorm.
    😂
  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    We need to finish this soon. USA are you ready to perform?
  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host, 8th Day Host
    USA apologizes for the huge delay. After much flouncing, tears, temper tantrums and stolen castles, all but one of the cast has isolated somewhere in Hermosa.

    So, without further ado, I present:
    pssssttt...Ms Jedi, there are three of us.

    Wait just a sec...I thought there was just one of you left. Sorry about that!!

    Again, I present:
    Victor, Hugo, and Laverne

    As our three brave...umm...stony faced singers take the stage, it does not escape anyone's notice that they each have a bat'leth.

    In lieu of a castle, the stage is covered top to bottom with knick knacks from all the souvenir kiosks in the Sanford airport. Thank goodness these gentlebeings foresaw the possibility of a problem.

    Ohhh, the bells of Orlando...
    (Bat'leths clash as Victor, Hugo and Laverne battle in time to the lyrics)
    The Financiers finance, the Mousies and Ducks
    Bathe in the gold and silver thrown by the crowd
    While Orlando is turned upside-down.


    (V,H &L lean on the Bat'leths as the Klingons threaten to wipe the stage clear. The scent? aroma? odor? of prune juice fills the air.)

    (Drums appear, V,H &L whack the weapons on the drums...all at slightly differing tempi. It's not pretty.)

    Beat the drums!!! Dance with the strumpets!
    Our stony faces are horrible and frightening!
    Foolish king, here's your crown
    Glittered with fairy dust and signed by Michael M.


    (The Klingons rush the stage and are totally shocked that they can't move or harm V,H and L.)

    Seemingly, apparently but not really
    Motion is different from others.
    Ring that Bell! There's a beautiful Belle!
    The Monster is not who you think it is!


    (With a flourish, and flash of bat'leths, amazing fireworks are set off, and the whole stage is awash in a wonderful world of color!)

  • MiffyMiffy Shipmate
    Stunned silence...

    Then after muffled consultation backstage and much whispered hisses of “Oi! Liechtenstein, you’ve forgotten to unmute yourself!” Helena Belena herself appears on the Zoom Screen. She is looking distinctly pale and keeps looking back over one shoulder to check for any stray Klingons. She doesn’t really think that any managed to stow away on the journey home, but you can never be too careful. Her dress is covered in enough prune stains as it is. In the background, the audience can see equally dazed Swiss Miss Belles removing the last of the Eurocheese from their ear canals.

    “Ahem! Vaduz callling. This is an announcement from the Liechtensteiner jury: After due consideration and consultation with the people of the principality, we have decided to invoke our famed neutrality and award every contestant the maximum 12 points, ourselves included. You will be astounded to learn that in a move unprecedented in the entire history of the contest, all of our citizens (all 37,000 of them), have voted for this course of action.

    This unusual move has, of course, everything to do with our national principal of peace and love for all; not, as some might infer, from the fact that we’re scared shitless by the Klingons and their groupies and never wish to drink a drop of prune juice ever again; even if it’s served up with a bowl of All Bran topped with whipped cream.

    Oh, and the USA is welcome to our castle.

    Might we suggest that next time, (if there is a next time) we hold the contest aboard the ISS Space Station. Then at least the place will be Covid, (if not Klingon) free.”
  • The Klingons demand to know what's going on with cultural appropriation! They get distracted however with what they think is a put-off by Liechtenstein. Did they not make it clear that they're enraptured by alpenhorns? Perhaps it is a Lichtensteiner custom to be disdainful of your admirers? They are completely at a loss with the Americans however. They appear quite noble bit what's going on with the bat'leths?

    After consultation, the Klingons decide to open up the bar and pay for everything. Prune juice, pile drivers and Euro earcheese for everyone! Are there no more baguettes? This could lead to conflict!
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    'What's going on now?'

    'No idea. But I heard someone say there was a free bar'.

    'What are we standing here for?'
  • MiffyMiffy Shipmate
    The Klingons demand to know what's going on with cultural appropriation! They get distracted however with what they think is a put-off by Liechtenstein. Did they not make it clear that they're enraptured by alpenhorns? Perhaps it is a Lichtensteiner custom to be disdainful of your admirers? They are completely at a loss with the Americans however. They appear quite noble bit what's going on with the bat'leths?

    After consultation, the Klingons decide to open up the bar and pay for everything. Prune juice, pile drivers and Euro earcheese for everyone! Are there no more baguettes? This could lead to conflict!

    No, no, not at all! You’re welcome to keep the alpenhorns. Help yourself! It’s not that we don’t like you, but Liechtenstein is so very small and all the Klingon enthusiasm might be rather overwhelming. We treasure the peace and tranquility of the alpine vibe. Banging and crashing isn’t really our thing.

  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    Thierry: Thanks USA for your entry. Very...er...stirring.
    Right please start voting, except for Lichtenstein. Remember the Eurovision voting system. You
    Can award points 1-8 then 10 and 12. OK Ship of Fools get voting
  • Sorry. Please explain voting more. Do I rank the acts? Or assign my top rated 12 points or what?
  • balaambalaam Shipmate
    Hugal wrote: »
    After all the entries have been posted the competing countries vote. You cannot vote for yourself. Depending on how many we get the voting follows thusly. Your favourite act gets 12 points, Your next favourite act 10 points and down to however many we end up with.

    This is how you vote.

  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    Thanks Balaam
  • The Klingons are hoping the vote is honest. In that light they announce that they will continue to pay for all the drinks and food. And carry out packs of prune juice, pile drivers, baguettes, and Euro ear cheese. This is all just hospitality of course. Suggesting otherwise may be risky.
  • PendragonPendragon Shipmate
    That won't work for the Italian contingent who would much rather have a nice glass of red, focaccia and fontina.
  • PendragonPendragon Shipmate
    The votes from Italy are in.

    The announcer is in front of a picture of a very empty Trevi Fountain, due to a mixture of social distancing and some unforecast heavy rain. She is some kind of reality TV star, that no-one else has heard of. She is dressed in a tight silver frock with ridiculously large ruffles on the shoulders.

    'It was very tight at the top in tonight's voting. Well done to all the performers in what was a very varied programme.

    Here are the scores:

    Wales 12 points
    France 10 points
    Antarctica 9 points
    USA 8 points
    Lichtenstein 7 points
    Klingons 6 points'
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    'Would you look at that? No taste, them Italians.'

    'All the pizzas I've bought. No gratitude either'.
  • balaambalaam Shipmate
    The scores from the Antarctica jury are in,

    The screen goes completely white. After about 15 seconds you realise it is a blizzard. A man is just about visible because he is wearing a white parka. The snowstorm clears a little and visible is the South Pole Research Station. He speaks:

    "Good evening from the south pole, here are the votes of the Ant......"

    The blizzard redoubles. The scene is white again. Static appears over the monitor screens and then the blue of no signal. Contact has been lost.
  • PendragonPendragon Shipmate
    I am now imaging someone furiously typing into the computer to try and upload the scores over a rather ropey internet connection.
  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    Thierry: Hello South Pole. Well obviously a few problems there we will get them back as soon as we can.
  • Is Outrage! The Klingons are scowling and looking for noodles to throw.
  • PendragonPendragon Shipmate
    There is some muttering into earpieces. It appears that there was a technical hitch in calculating the Italian votes, and none of the ones for Ireland were calculated correctly.
    Pendragon wrote: »
    USA 8 points
    Lichtenstein 7 points
    Klingons 6 points'

    The Italian jury would like to award all the above, and Ireland, 8 points.

  • MiffyMiffy Shipmate
    Pendragon wrote: »
    There is some muttering into earpieces. It appears that there was a technical hitch in calculating the Italian votes, and none of the ones for Ireland were calculated correctly.
    Pendragon wrote: »
    USA 8 points
    Lichtenstein 7 points
    Klingons 6 points'

    The Italian jury would like to award all the above, and Ireland, 8 points.

    Safely home in Vaduz, the Liechtensteiner jury mentally add 12 points to each of the running totals. They are all sporting teeshirts emblazoned with ‘We love Klingons (as long as they’re 500 billion light years away). ‘

  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    'That there Klingon Guinness doesn't have a head on it'.

    'And it tastes like one of them puddings you got with school diners'.

    'Flies' Graveyard?'

    'No, the other one - Eyeballs in Snot'.
  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    The scoreboard is having a spot of trouble with scoring. Some people are not following the scoring tiles and it is sulking


  • This just in, courtesy of the Klingon Institute of Streaming Arts Sciences (known as KISS-ASS, it's like the BBC but more violent) : They have beamed all of the performances to the Klingon home world. People are in the streets, waiting and wondering. There is talk of a civil war if alpenhorns are not allowed in future Klingon opera performances. The Klingon High Council is split over the issue. Medics have attended, it appears there's no loss of life. The government and empire are watching the results closely. Everyone knows that life and death depend on the results of this first foray of Klingons into human arts amd music.

    The broadcast continues....
    The Klingon Empire has studied, discussed, and is voting now.

    Lichtenstein 12 points
    Antarctica 11
    Ireland 10
    Wales 9
    France 8 points
    USA 7 points
    Italy 6 points

    K'plah!
  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host, 8th Day Host
    Qo'noS majQa' vaj ghob ghe'naQ.* **

    Klingon Empire 12
    Wales 11
    Antarctica 10
    Lichtenstein 9
    Ireland 8
    France 7
    Italy 6

    *Congratulations on your well fought opera.
    **Which for some reason brings Denmark into the picture.
  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    Practice: Well France will post tomorrow. I fear some of our newer countries have not quite understood the odd system of marking used by Eurovision.
    In the 60’s one year resulted in a four way tie for first place. Since then 9 and 11 have been dropped in order to make the chances of it happening again less.
    If the countries who voted following the Eurovision rules wish to change their vote so we all vote the same way that would be a nice gesture to our newer countries.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    'No, we can't vote for ourselves'.

    'Wales is the next thing to Ireland. Fishguard to Rosslare'.

    'France were always on our side'.

    'And a fat lot of use they were in '98'.

    'Did you know, 13 American Presidents were from Ulster?'

    'You could kind of get into that Klingon stuff'.

    'We're supposed to vote on the songs'.

    'The songs? Tough call'.
  • PendragonPendragon Shipmate
    I suspect we have already had a display of typical Eurovision 'it's not political, honest' voting.
  • balaambalaam Shipmate
    "Here are the votes from the Antarctica jury." comes a crackly voice, the screens meanwhile are full of static.

    USA 3 points.
    Ireland 4 points.
    Italy 5 points.
    France 6 points.
    Lichten... (There is a storm of static covering the rest of the words)
    Klingon Empire 8 points.
    Wales 10 points

    As we have no neighbouring countries, we have no-one to award 12 points to, as is traditional.
  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    Thierry: Thanks Antartica. France is having trouble with communication. There is a strike.
  • kingsfoldkingsfold Shipmate
    Seemingly there is now to be Eurovision: the Movie...
  • The Klingons are asking when they'll be announced as the winners. They're playing with knives and other weapons, throwing baguettes into the air and seeing how many times they can slice them before they hit the ground. With heavy Piledriver drinkimg (equal parts vodka and prune juice) there's a shortage of vodka, so they've started with gin and prune, and they've been adding wine and something flammable. Thus they're lighting drinks on fire and drinking them. Hopefully the fire stays in the glass and in the Klingons....
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    'Have you got the bit of paper?'

    'What bit of paper?'

    'With the sums on it.'

    'Aperol Spritz, 5 Euro - I mean points'.

    'That's the drinks menu. The other side'.

    'Oh right. Here are the votes from Ireland. Even though, obviously, we were the best. But we're not allowed to say that. Anyway.

    France 12
    Antartica 10
    Lichtenstein 9
    Wales 8
    Klingons 6
    Italy 5
    USA 3

    There wasn't a country called Margarita, was there?'
  • Gill HGill H Shipmate
    Bore da and thank you for a wonderful evening! Here are the votes from the Welsh jury:

    Ireland 12 points
    France 10 points
    Italy 8 points
    Klingon Empire 7 points
    USA 6 points
    Antarctica 5 points
    Lichtenstein 4 points

    Now I'm off to open the Merlyn Welsh liquer and marinate some of those prunes in it.

  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    Bonjour mes amis. Merci pour les spetacle manifique. Voila les points de jury Francaise
    Les Empire Des Clingon 12 points
    Paye De Gal 10 points
    Ireland 9
    L'Italia 8 points
    Antartica 7
    USA 6 pints
    Lichtenstine 5 points
    Merci tour les monde
  • HugalHugal Shipmate
    Thierry: and now we need to count the points. As is traditional we have an interval act. This year all competitors have been asked to make a small contribution. Take it away.
  • edited June 2020
    The Klingons are on stage. Lights narrow to a single spot light. One Klingon begins to sing:
    yIja'Qo'
    Bagh Da tuH mogh
    ChojaH Duh rHo
    yIjah, Qey' 'oH
    yIjah, Qey' 'oH
    yIjah, Qey' 'oH
    The lyrics are projected on a big screen. Progressively the members of the company join in and encourage the crowd. Then they shift to English and start singing a medley of what Earthlings think are English melodies and words, but of course in the original Klingon: "There was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly", "Rule Britannia" (in the original it's Fight for Klingons), and "Jesus Loves Me" original title "Klingons are Great (we will show you how we fight).

    The parts of the crowd who've drunk enough prune+alcohol take part like football fans. After the applause, a Klingon begins to sing again, in Klingon to the tune of "Shine Jesus Shine"**. Weapons are drawn, shouts of sacrilege are heard, and a fearful brawl ensues. It takes 40 minutes to clear the stage.

    ** It is disputed that the song Shine Jesus Shine - Klingon title "Jesus Shines Shoes" is Klingon in origin. The official government line attributes to Russia.
  • PendragonPendragon Shipmate
    In an attempt to wear the Klingons down a bit, the Italian musicians start up a Tarantella at a speed that they would normally reach during the climax. They urge them to get up and dance, and up the tempo even further, so by the time they finish the notes are all one blur of sound.
  • MiffyMiffy Shipmate
    Safely at the far end of a modem, Liechtenstein launches into a no -holds barred Songs on 45 reprise of Alpenhorn Enterprises Inc’s finest: Vaduz Calling, Enter the Battleground, My Lonely Heart is Yearning and various others, the lyrics (and in most cases the music) of which the singers have (mercifully) forgotten.

    The collective sounds of Helena Belena, Hels Bels, Helmuth, Hyggemen and sundry Swiss Miss Belles of dubious vintage have to be heard, if not seen to be believed.


  • MiffyMiffy Shipmate
    kingsfold wrote: »
    Seemingly there is now to be Eurovision: the Movie...


    You couldn’t make it up, could you?!
  • Gill HGill H Shipmate
    The Welsh contingent, being stuck behind the Severn Bridge, are unable to take part in the interval act in person. However, they have prepared a medley of traditional Welsh tunes, set to views of the stunning countryside.

    While this is playing, ushers hand out to the audience freshly made Welsh cakes. These have been made to a special recipe sent by the Welsh team. Unfortunately, the caterers decided that they could be improved by the addition of the leftover prunes. This of course makes for predictable and hilarious results a little later on.

    And as the strains of the prune tune fade away...
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