Something funny

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  • The two unwritten rules to a happy life:
    1.
    2.
  • tclunetclune Shipmate
    mousethief wrote: »
    The two unwritten rules to a happy life:
    1.
    2.

    That seems needlessly verbose...
  • Will I be forgiven for recycling an old one?

    An old engineer’s time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates....

    I only just picked up Stercus' engineer joke, which I really like! It reminds me of this from the 80s:

    Maggie T dies and gets to the pearly gates - St. Peter says 'you're not on the list - get down to the other place'. She gives him a look, collects her handbag, and off she goes.

    A few days later St. Peter gets a phone call. '

    'Peter here'.

    'I know, this is Beelzebub. You've made a mistake'.

    'We never make mistakes.'

    'You did this time; you sent us that Thatcher woman'

    'Rightly so - she wasn't on the list'

    'I don't care about your bl**** list, you'll have to have her back. She's been down here less than a week and she's shut down three furnaces already'.


  • GalilitGalilit Shipmate
    I have a friend called Matti and her vehicle is an automatic so she took the "c" off and it now says "Automati"
  • Dramatic revelations in the Washington Post today: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2020/06/10/know-signs-how-tell-if-your-grandparent-has-become-an-antifa-agent/ We've had to warn our children about their granny.
  • Dramatic revelations in the Washington Post today: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2020/06/10/know-signs-how-tell-if-your-grandparent-has-become-an-antifa-agent/ We've had to warn our children about their granny.
    OMG! I'm an Antifa Agent -- several of those apply to me! (Don't tell Trump.)
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Dramatic revelations in the Washington Post today: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2020/06/10/know-signs-how-tell-if-your-grandparent-has-become-an-antifa-agent/ We've had to warn our children about their granny.
    Sorry. That isn't accessible without taking out a subscription.


  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host, 8th Day Host
    You may be able to access it by copying the link and accessing it via your browser’s anonymous/private browsing facility.
  • I was able to read it by clicking Browse. I think I'm allowed one article a month, which is fine for me.
  • What's the difference between Covid-19 and Romeo and Juliet?
    One's a corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.
  • SusanDorisSusanDoris Shipmate
    edited June 2020
    I'm hopeless at remembering jokes, but what a pleasure to come to this thread and start the day with a couple of laughs!!


  • MooMoo Kerygmania Host
    I saw a cartoon I enjoyed. Two pigeons are carrying signs saying, SAVE OUR STATUES
  • DardaDarda Shipmate
    What did the Higgs Boson particle shout as he was being kicked out of Church?

    “Without me you can’t have mass!”

    The priest looks confused and mumbles something to himself.. so the Higgs asks him what he just said.
    The priest replies, “No, nothing, to you it really doesn’t matter.”
  • A dyslexic man wanders into a bra.
  • What do you get when you ask three Jews the meaning of life?


    Six different answers.

    (An old joke that was passed around at synagogue.)
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
  • With the earnest discussion going on over in the Styx, the following may be illuminating to the scientifically minded:

    This is is alleged to be a question given on a University of Washington chemistry exam.

    Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students proved their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (a gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) but fell short in demonstrating their argument. One student, however, wrote the following:

    "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
    we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law implies that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a lower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    Considering then the postulate presented to me by Teresa K. during my Freshman year: that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that over two years later, I still have not succeeded in having relations with her; then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

    This student received the only "A".

  • With the earnest discussion going on over in the Styx, the following may be illuminating to the scientifically minded:

    This is is alleged to be a question given on a University of Washington chemistry exam.

    Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students proved their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (a gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) but fell short in demonstrating their argument. One student, however, wrote the following:

    "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
    we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law implies that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a lower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    Considering then the postulate presented to me by Teresa K. during my Freshman year: that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that over two years later, I still have not succeeded in having relations with her; then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

    This student received the only "A".

    That was good back when Moses told it to Aaron.
  • I don't believe you. What did Moses know about Boyle's Law?
  • I don't believe you. What did Moses know about Boyle's Law?

    I'll pray God forgive you for this lack of faith.
  • tclunetclune Shipmate
    I don't believe you. What did Moses know about Boyle's Law?

    Don't you remember the plagues in Egypt? ;)
  • DardaDarda Shipmate
    edited July 2020
    Covid restrictions mean that fans are not allowed into the ground to watch football (soccer in USA) matches, so cardboard cutouts are put on the seats. My team plays so badly that even these leave at half-time.
  • Lots of YayLots of Yay Shipmate Posts: 45
    Why was the sand wet?


    Because the seaweed
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    edited July 2020
    Hi Yay good to see you back, and thank for the early morning giggle.
  • Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the loo?

    Because the "p" is silent.
  • One of the few jokes of my father's that I can remember was about a word where the 'p' was silent, as in swimming pool.
  • Gee DGee D Shipmate
    Why was the sand wet?


    Because the seaweed

    Indeed, welcome back. Fancy describing you as having had only 26 posts!
  • A JOKE OF MY OWN INVENTION

    A banana walks into a bar and the barman is an orange.

    And the orange says to the banana: "what'll you have?"

    And the banana says "I'll have a freshly-squeezed orange juice please"

    Now the orange is quite thick-skinned, so doesn't mind this, but it's a busy London bar full of apples and pears out for a lunchtime drink, and what with one thing and another it's fifteen minutes later and the banana still doesn't have a drink.

    So he says: "Hey what about my orange juice?"

    And the orange says "Give me a break you can see I'm very busy here - could you hang on just a couple more minutes?"

    And the banana says "No, I'm afraid I really have to press you..."

    PLEASE TELL THIS JOKE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE MY LIFETIME AMBITION IS TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL IT BACK TO ME BUT IT CAN'T BE YOU IT HAS TO BE REAL
  • This made my day, yesterday
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited July 2020
    A JOKE OF MY OWN INVENTION

    A banana walks into a bar and the barman is an orange.

    And the orange says to the banana: "what'll you have?"

    And the banana says "I'll have a freshly-squeezed orange juice please"

    Now the orange is quite thick-skinned, so doesn't mind this, but it's a busy London bar full of apples and pears out for a lunchtime drink, and what with one thing and another it's fifteen minutes later and the banana still doesn't have a drink.

    So he says: "Hey what about my orange juice?"

    And the orange says "Give me a break you can see I'm very busy here - could you hang on just a couple more minutes?"

    And the banana says "No, I'm afraid I really have to press you..."

    PLEASE TELL THIS JOKE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE MY LIFETIME AMBITION IS TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL IT BACK TO ME BUT IT CAN'T BE YOU IT HAS TO BE REAL

    Sorry. Tried it and Backsliderlet #1 fixed me with an icy stare and enunciated in dark tones "Never tell that joke again"
  • Thank you for trying KarlLB. At the Last Judgement it will be remembered that you did your best to spread the word even if it fell on stony ground.
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