An old engineer’s time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates....
I only just picked up Stercus' engineer joke, which I really like! It reminds me of this from the 80s:
Maggie T dies and gets to the pearly gates - St. Peter says 'you're not on the list - get down to the other place'. She gives him a look, collects her handbag, and off she goes.
A few days later St. Peter gets a phone call. '
'Peter here'.
'I know, this is Beelzebub. You've made a mistake'.
'We never make mistakes.'
'You did this time; you sent us that Thatcher woman'
'Rightly so - she wasn't on the list'
'I don't care about your bl**** list, you'll have to have her back. She's been down here less than a week and she's shut down three furnaces already'.
What did the Higgs Boson particle shout as he was being kicked out of Church?
“Without me you can’t have mass!”
The priest looks confused and mumbles something to himself.. so the Higgs asks him what he just said.
The priest replies, “No, nothing, to you it really doesn’t matter.”
With the earnest discussion going on over in the Styx, the following may be illuminating to the scientifically minded:
This is is alleged to be a question given on a University of Washington chemistry exam.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students proved their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (a gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) but fell short in demonstrating their argument. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law implies that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a lower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
Considering then the postulate presented to me by Teresa K. during my Freshman year: that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that over two years later, I still have not succeeded in having relations with her; then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
With the earnest discussion going on over in the Styx, the following may be illuminating to the scientifically minded:
This is is alleged to be a question given on a University of Washington chemistry exam.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students proved their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (a gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) but fell short in demonstrating their argument. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law implies that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a lower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
Considering then the postulate presented to me by Teresa K. during my Freshman year: that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that over two years later, I still have not succeeded in having relations with her; then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
Covid restrictions mean that fans are not allowed into the ground to watch football (soccer in USA) matches, so cardboard cutouts are put on the seats. My team plays so badly that even these leave at half-time.
A banana walks into a bar and the barman is an orange.
And the orange says to the banana: "what'll you have?"
And the banana says "I'll have a freshly-squeezed orange juice please"
Now the orange is quite thick-skinned, so doesn't mind this, but it's a busy London bar full of apples and pears out for a lunchtime drink, and what with one thing and another it's fifteen minutes later and the banana still doesn't have a drink.
So he says: "Hey what about my orange juice?"
And the orange says "Give me a break you can see I'm very busy here - could you hang on just a couple more minutes?"
And the banana says "No, I'm afraid I really have to press you..."
PLEASE TELL THIS JOKE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE MY LIFETIME AMBITION IS TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL IT BACK TO ME BUT IT CAN'T BE YOU IT HAS TO BE REAL
A banana walks into a bar and the barman is an orange.
And the orange says to the banana: "what'll you have?"
And the banana says "I'll have a freshly-squeezed orange juice please"
Now the orange is quite thick-skinned, so doesn't mind this, but it's a busy London bar full of apples and pears out for a lunchtime drink, and what with one thing and another it's fifteen minutes later and the banana still doesn't have a drink.
So he says: "Hey what about my orange juice?"
And the orange says "Give me a break you can see I'm very busy here - could you hang on just a couple more minutes?"
And the banana says "No, I'm afraid I really have to press you..."
PLEASE TELL THIS JOKE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE MY LIFETIME AMBITION IS TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL IT BACK TO ME BUT IT CAN'T BE YOU IT HAS TO BE REAL
Sorry. Tried it and Backsliderlet #1 fixed me with an icy stare and enunciated in dark tones "Never tell that joke again"
Comments
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2.
That seems needlessly verbose...
I only just picked up Stercus' engineer joke, which I really like! It reminds me of this from the 80s:
Maggie T dies and gets to the pearly gates - St. Peter says 'you're not on the list - get down to the other place'. She gives him a look, collects her handbag, and off she goes.
A few days later St. Peter gets a phone call. '
'Peter here'.
'I know, this is Beelzebub. You've made a mistake'.
'We never make mistakes.'
'You did this time; you sent us that Thatcher woman'
'Rightly so - she wasn't on the list'
'I don't care about your bl**** list, you'll have to have her back. She's been down here less than a week and she's shut down three furnaces already'.
The priest looks confused and mumbles something to himself.. so the Higgs asks him what he just said.
The priest replies, “No, nothing, to you it really doesn’t matter.”
Six different answers.
(An old joke that was passed around at synagogue.)
This is is alleged to be a question given on a University of Washington chemistry exam.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students proved their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (a gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) but fell short in demonstrating their argument. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law implies that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a lower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
Considering then the postulate presented to me by Teresa K. during my Freshman year: that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that over two years later, I still have not succeeded in having relations with her; then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only "A".
That was good back when Moses told it to Aaron.
I'll pray God forgive you for this lack of faith.
Don't you remember the plagues in Egypt?
Because the seaweed
Because the "p" is silent.
Indeed, welcome back. Fancy describing you as having had only 26 posts!
A banana walks into a bar and the barman is an orange.
And the orange says to the banana: "what'll you have?"
And the banana says "I'll have a freshly-squeezed orange juice please"
Now the orange is quite thick-skinned, so doesn't mind this, but it's a busy London bar full of apples and pears out for a lunchtime drink, and what with one thing and another it's fifteen minutes later and the banana still doesn't have a drink.
So he says: "Hey what about my orange juice?"
And the orange says "Give me a break you can see I'm very busy here - could you hang on just a couple more minutes?"
And the banana says "No, I'm afraid I really have to press you..."
PLEASE TELL THIS JOKE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE MY LIFETIME AMBITION IS TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL IT BACK TO ME BUT IT CAN'T BE YOU IT HAS TO BE REAL
Sorry. Tried it and Backsliderlet #1 fixed me with an icy stare and enunciated in dark tones "Never tell that joke again"