Calling your partner ‘Mum’ or ‘Dad’

Or ‘Mother’ and ‘Father’ etc.

On one of the political threads there is a discussion about this, I thought it would be worth its own thread.

What do you think?
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Comments

  • We called each other ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’ when our boys were babies to be consistent.

    My brother and partner didn’t and their kids never learned it, they just used their parents names, and do to this day. It seemed odd at the time but we are used to it now.
  • I have never called my partner ‘Dad’ and it would feel distinctly odd doing so - he is not my Dad. But I would usually describe him as Dad or Daddy when speaking about him to my children. My teenage children call him Dad or Daddy (actually the youngest reverses the latter to deedah!) and I doubt they would want to use his name.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host, 8th Day Host
    When talking to our children we refer to each other as mum and dad, but we address each other by our names.
  • I do the same as Heavenlyannie - often prefixing "Dad" with "Your" when speaking to the kids: "Your Dad was saying ... " This is to distinguish him from "My Dad" i.e. their grandfather.

    Using first names would not help, as my husband, my father and my late father-in-law all share the same first name.
  • BroJames wrote: »
    When talking to our children we refer to each other as mum and dad, but we address each other by our names.

    Yes, same here when the boys were small.

    It’s confusing with my Grandchild. Her Mum is ‘Dayda’ (Mummy in Georgian) and her Dad is ‘Papa’ (because ‘Daddy’ is too similar to ‘Dayda’ and ‘Papa’ is usual in Germany anyway). So we hesitate every time as neither is natural to us. We’ll get used to it!

  • same here, except puppies, not children,
  • I can think of worse things to be called by your partner :smile:

    (That almost lines us up for a crap joke, so what the hell. Johnny meets Jim in the playground. Jim - 'hey Johnny, is Sean your new Dad?'. Johnny - 'yeah'. Jim - 'We've had him; he's shit'. )
  • finelinefineline Kerygmania Host, 8th Day Host
    I remember my granny always used to refer to my grandad as 'Daddy' when talking to me and my sisters, which I found odd, as we called him Grandad, and my parents called him Grandad when talking to us, and he called himself Grandad. But I just got used to it - you do get used to your family's quirks. I suppose it was what she called him to my dad and his siblings when they were kids, but of course as adults they called him 'Dad'. She always called him Daddy to us, even when we were adults.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    'He didn't call his Father and Mother "Father" and "Mother", but Harold and Alberta.'

    C S Lewis obviously regarded this as a Bad Thing.
  • We continued to call each other by our names when our first child was born. Since he was the only one he just asked for what he wanted or needed and one of us would get it.
    Then at his 1 year pediatric check-up the doctor asked if he was talking. So I said proudly "Oh yes! Cat, dog, various foods". She then asked "Mummy and Daddy?" At which point we realised the egregious error we had committed, no doubt blighting his psycho-social development and self-concept and who knows what else.
    We remedied the situation forthwith and had no more trouble with the pediatrician with his sister and brother
  • Firenze wrote: »
    'He didn't call his Father and Mother "Father" and "Mother", but Harold and Alberta.'

    C S Lewis obviously regarded this as a Bad Thing.

    Well he would.
  • Only to the children when they were small - what does your mother think/ have you remembered mummy's birthday.
  • BroJames wrote: »
    When talking to our children we refer to each other as mum and dad, but we address each other by our names.

    Same here. And now with the grandchildren we do the same thing using the Kiswahili for Granny and Grandpa to avoid confusion with the other sets of grandparents.

    What I always struggled with was when we married and I was told by my parents in law that I was to call them "Mother and Father" as their sons did. My own parents went by their names to their children's partners as do we to ours. I hated having to do it, always inwardly protesting "But you're not my mother/ father"!
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host, 8th Day Host
    My mother called my father’s parents Ma and Pa, and he called her father Pop - in both cases with friendly humour. In addressing them they called their own parents Mummy or Daddy. (My mother‘s mother died after my parents were engaged, but before they were married. I don’t know if my father used a feminine equivalent of Pop for her.)
  • Call me old fashioned if you wish ( and I suppose that at the age of 78 I am old ),but I think that children miss something if they don't have a 'mum' or a 'dad' but rather a 'Bill' and a 'Jean'. (I know that sometimes this cannot be helped, but in an ideal situation 'mum' and 'dad' are extremely important.)
    At the moment with the covid restrictions I often hear those who are deprived of visits to their parents say how much they miss contact with 'mum' or 'dad' or 'mother' or 'father'.I 've never heard people say that they missed visits with 'Bill' or 'Jean'.
    Again with increasing age the words 'mum' and 'dad' become even more important than they were 60 years previously.
    What parents call each other when speaking to one another is of much lesser importance.

    When delivering messages (A Scottish expression for 'shopping) to two old ladies of 94 this week, both of them said when they received some ready meals 'oh dear, mother would be horrified if she could see that I am not cooking' . They didn't say 'Old Bella would be horrified.
  • NenyaNenya Shipmate
    We call each other "Mum" and "Dad" when talking about each other to our children, but would never call each other that when talking to each other. I've occasionally talked about Mr Nen as "Dad" when speaking only to my son-in-law, but he knows who I mean and takes it in his stride.
    Firenze wrote: »
    'He didn't call his Father and Mother "Father" and "Mother", but Harold and Alberta.'

    C S Lewis obviously regarded this as a Bad Thing.

    I would have resisted any attempts by my children to call me by my first name. "There are only two people in the world entitled to call me 'Mum.' Make the most of being those two."

  • Nenya wrote: »
    We call each other "Mum" and "Dad" when talking about each other to our children, but would never call each other that when talking to each other.

    Yeah, this. Refer, but not address. Similarly, when I'm talking to parents of my kids' friends with my kids, I refer to them as "Mr & Mrs <surname>" but address them as Bob and Jenny.
  • I had lots of pseudo-aunties and uncles when I was a kid - friends of my parents, whose kids I sometimes knew. One in particular would still be Auntie Jean if we met.

    Primary school playgrounds here resound to 'hey, Jane's Dad' etc - spoken by kids, and their parents.
  • That reminds me of the plaintive cry of a little lad who came to tea many moons ago - imagine the whole bottom-lip quivering scenario - 'Please Dominic's Mum, I don't like broccoli'.
  • We do use the words Mom and Dad when speaking to the children.
  • My husband told me that the Vietnamese culture (at least, of his generation) was firmly in the "call one another Mom and Dad" camp, and said (rather confusingly) that they did this "because we call you on account of the children." Apparently it extends to calling one's siblings "Uncle" and "Aunt" as well? I think so, anyway.

    This becomes problematic if one has no children, I imagine.

    I suspect it's a cultural/regional thing in English-speaking cultures as well--and not just in terms of space, but time. After all, we have examples of couples in Austen's writing who refer to one another as "Mr X" and "Mrs. X" instead of using first names. All in what you're used to, I guess.
  • Yes - Mrs Bennett's exasperated cries of 'O! Mister Bennett!' come to mind... :lol:

    (From Pride and Prejudice)
  • Not even as long ago as Austen, my great-grandma called her husband Mr X until the day she died in the 1960's
    My DIL calls us mum and dad and I do find it a bit weird, while our other childrens partners call us by our christian names
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus

    I suspect it's a cultural/regional thing in English-speaking cultures as well--and not just in terms of space, but time. After all, we have examples of couples in Austen's writing who refer to one another as "Mr X" and "Mrs. X" instead of using first names. All in what you're used to, I guess.

    Doesn't Mrs Grantly address her husband as 'Archdeacon'?
  • More generally, I think whenever I'm talking to someone, I always refer to people as who they are with respect to that person. I think that's pretty normal behaviour. Teachers, professors, and the like tend to call each other "Mr X, Dr Y and Prof Z" in public, and Andrew, Beth, and Charlie in private.

    Although I'd call a child's relatives "your Mum / Dad / whatever" rather than just "Mum", which seems a little twee.
  • My Cuban father called me "Papa" (which is different from the Spanish word for Dad, Papá, but still comes from the word for father). Other families from parts of Latin America often call children "papi," and "papi" and "mami" are also general terms people call each other in some Latin American groups, kind of equivalent to "brother" or "sister" - and not always sexualized like it is portrayed in movies ("Ayyyy Papi" and "Hey Mamicita").

    My Cuban father also called my non-Latina mother "Mama" (in addressing her, not just in referring to her, and again this is different from the word for "Mom" which is Mamá, but still comes from the word for mother). I think this only began when I was born, since I am the only child of their marriage, and continued long after I had left the house. I have no idea if "mama" as opposed to "mami" is a normal way for a man from any part of Latin America to refer to his wife.

    My Peruvian relatives include married couples who call each other "gordo" and "gorda" ("fattie") as terms of affection, and this seems to be completely normal there.
  • Firenze wrote: »

    I suspect it's a cultural/regional thing in English-speaking cultures as well--and not just in terms of space, but time. After all, we have examples of couples in Austen's writing who refer to one another as "Mr X" and "Mrs. X" instead of using first names. All in what you're used to, I guess.

    Doesn't Mrs Grantly address her husband as 'Archdeacon'?

    Indeed she does, and quite right, too.
  • We use "your". "Your mom" in normal circumstances and "your mother" when the kid is in trouble.
  • O yes - I well recall those dread words 'Wait until your Father gets home...'.
    :anguished:

    I can't recall what my parents called each other face-to-face, but if they were speaking to someone else they would simply refer to 'Arthur' or 'Bob' (my Mother's given name was Beatrice, but she was generally known as Bob, by just about everyone, from a very early age!)
  • We also use "your" (as in, "Your son") when the kid has done something and we are disclaiming any genetic responsibility for it!
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited December 2020
    In our place that extends to "your cat (has just brought in a vole and started to eat it on the white bedroom rug)"
  • I sometimes refer to my wife as the "fee earner".
  • We also use "your" (as in, "Your son") when the kid has done something and we are disclaiming any genetic responsibility for it!

    Yes when the dog is barking, I tell Josephine "Your dog is barking." When the dog wants to play and be friendly, she's my dog again.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    I have two sisters-in-law. The one who lived in the sane suburb called my parents Mum and Dad, while the one from the US called them by their first names.

    Not having a partner I avoided the issue, but I don't think I could have called anyone but my actual parents Mum or Dad, because to me it would just feel wrong. To be honest I thought it was a bit weird when the local sis-in-law called them Mum and Dad. I know other people feel OK about it though.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host, 8th Day Host
    edited December 2020
    Since I didn’t call my parents Mum and Dad, I was quite happy to call my in laws that, and they seemed happy with it too. Although, TBH, it’s not often you use a person’s name (or other form of address) in speaking to them in normal conversation.
  • All the staff at the Hatchling's nursery address the children's parents as "Mom" or "Dad". No "Hatchling's Dad" or similar, just "Dad". Even in situations where the child isn;t present, such as over the phone.

    It took some getting used to.
  • Our vets does that when calling owners and pets into a consultation - as in 'Fluffy's mum - come in please'. Always sounds really odd to me but I guess some pet owners love it.
  • Diomedes wrote: »
    Our vets does that when calling owners and pets into a consultation - as in 'Fluffy's mum - come in please'. Always sounds really odd to me but I guess some pet owners love it.

    That always makes me smile too.

    I do call myself Mummy when talking to the cat...

    As for in-laws, first names in our house. But then when you have to send a birthday card from both of you, we end up with ‘Mum H’ and ‘Mum B’.
  • Diomedes wrote: »
    Our vets does that when calling owners and pets into a consultation - as in 'Fluffy's mum - come in please'. Always sounds really odd to me but I guess some pet owners love it.

    Our vets call the pet's name and the owner's surname - Mufasa Xxxx. It's not like he'll be walking out the cat carrier to go into the sharp place by himself. He usually makes himself as small and quiet as possible and hides under the towels when he's there.

    We call each other by our first names - but mum and dad when talking to the Tubblet. My parents did the same. My MIL was always mumsie but my FIL was always his first name.
  • Diomedes wrote: »
    Our vets does that when calling owners and pets into a consultation - as in 'Fluffy's mum - come in please'. Always sounds really odd to me but I guess some pet owners love it.

    Yes, our vets do the same!
  • NenyaNenya Shipmate
    Diomedes wrote: »
    Our vets does that when calling owners and pets into a consultation - as in 'Fluffy's mum - come in please'. Always sounds really odd to me but I guess some pet owners love it.

    One reason to take care choosing your pets' names - you don't really want to be summoned as "Fluffy Cuddlebum, please."
  • Nenya wrote: »
    Diomedes wrote: »
    Our vets does that when calling owners and pets into a consultation - as in 'Fluffy's mum - come in please'. Always sounds really odd to me but I guess some pet owners love it.

    One reason to take care choosing your pets' names - you don't really want to be summoned as "Fluffy Cuddlebum, please."

    We don’t choose our GD pups names. My friend has just taken delivery of a pup called ‘Haggis’! :astonished:

  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    mousethief wrote: »
    We also use "your" (as in, "Your son") when the kid has done something and we are disclaiming any genetic responsibility for it!


    Yes when the dog is barking, I tell Josephine "Your dog is barking." When the dog wants to play and be friendly, she's my dog again.
    I've often commented that if one's wife refers to 'my children' or 'our children' that's fine, but if she refers to them as 'your children', you know you're in trouble and they know they are too.

  • Yes I knew someone who raised a smile in the waiting room when the vet asked to see ‘Holly Berry.’
    When he was very small our son called us mummy and daddy. When he switched to mum and dad aged about six we decided we’d rather be called by our given names, and still are.7He always calls my mother grandma, but calls my husbands mother by her given name. He was the first grandchild and she didn’t want to be a grandma or a nan, so she came up with a complicated alternative that no one could remember. All the other grandchildren call her gran.
  • Leorning CnihtLeorning Cniht Shipmate
    edited December 2020
    Diomedes wrote: »
    Our vets does that when calling owners and pets into a consultation - as in 'Fluffy's mum - come in please'. Always sounds really odd to me but I guess some pet owners love it.

    No, no, and a thousand times no. I am not the parent of my cat. I may well be her property, though. I find it strange enough that the vet insists on attaching my surname to her, but if it keeps the vet happy, I can grudgingly go along with that.

    Mrs C has a fairly frosty "I'm Mrs Cniht, yes" that she reserves for people like @Marvin the Martian's nursery workers who come up with a cheery smile and ask "are you Mom?"

    (My kids' classes have usually had multiple children with the same given name. If the teacher uses your surname, you have some confidence that they might be talking about the correct child.)
  • I hate it when they say "Are you Mom?" without even adding the child's name. I want to say, "Not YOUR Mom!" but that would be ... rude.
  • I guess the issue is that parents don't always have the same surname as their child, so even using Mrs/Ms X for child Jonny X could be wrong. But I have to admit I wasn't too keen on suddenly becoming "Mom" in the hospital - it felt like my identity had disappeared.

    My husband sometimes calls me mum or mother, which does make me want to say, "I'm not your mum" but not enough to make an issue of it. I'd say to the kids "Dad's in the shower" but I wouldn't ever say to him, "Dad, are you having a shower?"

    Preschools invariably referred to us as mummy and daddy on Christmas cards etc, but we've never been called that.
  • Diomedes wrote: »
    Our vets does that when calling owners and pets into a consultation - as in 'Fluffy's mum - come in please'. Always sounds really odd to me but I guess some pet owners love it.

    No, no, and a thousand times no. I am not the parent of my cat. I may well be her property, though. I find it strange enough that the vet insists on attaching my surname to her, but if it keeps the vet happy, I can grudgingly go along with that.

    I understand that, but they need some way of keeping track of your pet, particularly in our computer age. There may be ten Fluffys and twenty Rexes registered at that clinic, so the pet's name alone isn't enough to identify it.
  • Martha wrote: »
    I guess the issue is that parents don't always have the same surname as their child, so even using Mrs/Ms X for child Jonny X could be wrong. But I have to admit I wasn't too keen on suddenly becoming "Mom" in the hospital - it felt like my identity had disappeared.

    Sure - but Jonny X might also not live with a Mom and Dad. Jonny X might live with Gran, or Aunt Kate, or a step-parent who isn't called either "Mom" or "Dad", or ...

    Helpfully, every child's registration form also includes spaces to list the actual names of the parents or guardians of Jonny, so nobody needs to guess.
  • NenyaNenya Shipmate
    Boogie wrote: »
    We don’t choose our GD pups names. My friend has just taken delivery of a pup called ‘Haggis’! :astonished:
    What were the parents thinking?!
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