F8cking hell. This morning I was meant to clean the church with a lovely lady who's on meds and (I think) has to get on a bus to get to church to do it. And I f8cking forgot to go. Just totally forgot. My mind is not great at the moment, but this is f8cking ridiculous. I have no phone number for her. And I'm right back in the shit, cancelling things and shouting at myself and shaking and drinking all day. Black dog, repressed anger, shit childhood. F8ck.
It's so easy to just completely forget about something like that. I'm reminded of a party a few years ago when I'd offered to bring some home-made bread, and totally forgot.
The hostess was very nice about it, but there was someone else there who I now suspect (with 20-20 hindsight) was mentally chalking it up against my name (and possibly getting the hostess to do the same), and I felt really bad about it.
We all have brain-farts; next time you see the lady why not bring her some chocolates (or similar) as a peace-offering?
Thanks for posting, Piglet. I'm sorry to have posted while drinking and I'll be more sorry tomorrow. I was going to run scared from the service tomorrow morning, but your suggestion (which, like the best suggestions, didn't occur to me all day, yet having seen it seems like the most normal thing imaginable) is a much better idea. There's a late night Tesco at the end of our street; I won't need to drive
oh. I'm much too late to point out that I'm the key holder so she couldn't even get in, and will have been sat outside like a lemon. It wasn't raining. Is it still OK to give her a box of chocolates?
Right, red life lady. I have the poshest chocolates Tesco has to offer, and some wrapping paper. A card / inspirational verse by Helen Steiner Rice was not available, which might be for the best
Thanks Piglet, lver, Climacus. It went very well, we are on good terms; I'm so grateful for your help. I think it's called 'catastrophizing', although such a neologism might suggest something which has always been known, about which someone has recently decided to publish.
I am an expert at catastrophizing. When I get caught up in doing it my behaviour always seems like a perfectly rational reaction to whatever is going on. If I am lucky a friend will point out that I am blowing things out of proportion, and I am also getting better at realising when I am doing it, which is such a relief as it drains away energy that could be used for enjoying life.
If it's any comfort, I can catastrophise with the best of you - I'm a terrible one for assuming that if something goes wrong it must be my fault (even if I know it isn't), and often assume that the consequences will be much worse than they actually will.
I think I have inherited the ability; I really want to find humility, to be free from my own and my parent's damaged pride. For me I think it comes from a 'oh shit, I wasn't perfect' response, passed down by one who was feeling the same and therefore needed to see perfection in their offspring. I haven't found understanding the root of a psychological trait, to be as effective in disarming that trait as one might have hoped. And, of course, the internet is awash with self-help materials - where does one start. Well, thanks for the practical help of the Ship!
The book I found really helpful in stepping away from a not great family background was Families and How to Survive Them by Robyn Skinner and John Cleese.
Oh, that black dog does get around. Just trying to be on auto-pilot here until the calendar days turn over into something with fewer expectations for joyfulness.
Woke up this morning -- first day back at work -- and felt utterly and completely an abject failure. Felt I was useless. Felt everything was meaningless. Walked in and held back tears. Sat down and felt sick to my stomach.
Thank you both. Sorry for sounding so dramatic... sometimes I find it helps to get it out. Almost lunch time and I am feeling a bit better. Thank you again.
I find with my bipolar that beginning anything is difficult, including starting back after a break. Anticipation fills me with fears which far outweigh the actuality.
Interesting...my diagnosis is bipolar too. I can identify with the anticipation creating fear: a constant for me from going to a meeting at work to meeting a friend to heading to church.
Day 1 of 2019's working calendar down. Small steps. 🙂
Changing jobs and moving house are supposed to be some of the most stressful things you can do; no wonder your resistance to the Black Beast is a bit low.
Wishing you better days as you get used to your new job and new surroundings.
Moving countries too. I think there are possibly more differences in the cultures than most of us realise - I know my nephew discovered that when he moved the other way.
It may sound silly, but I hope you had a good lunch - sometimes I find a small treat helps too - Whittakers Dark Chocolate (if dark chocolate appeals).
Hope the lying black beast leaves, and tomorrow goes better.
Interesting...my diagnosis is bipolar too. I can identify with the anticipation creating fear: a constant for me from going to a meeting at work to meeting a friend to heading to church.
Day 1 of 2019's working calendar down. Small steps. 🙂
Definitely, small measurable goals are the way forward.
I tend towards mania rather than depression, hypomania is practically my norm and with it comes anxiety. I manage it by keeping a strict schedule (easier for me, I know, as I teach within a distance learning university). As I know that anticipatory fear is an issue, the first thing I do every day is check my email and forums (my main communication with my colleagues and students) and plan my day so that I know what is coming and I make achievable lists and tick them off; I also make weekly/monthly plans. I limit social engagements as too much interaction triggers my mania.
I give myself pep talks throughout the day . I have a constant stream of conversations in my head anyway so I may as well make them positive.
<votives> for all whose Black Beast actually seems to like Grey, and therefore emerges round about now. Mine is chuntering to itself under the Episcopal Bed at the moment, but I can feel It ready to emerge....maybe it's the thought of Lent a couple of months away (!)....
It may sound silly, but I hope you had a good lunch - sometimes I find a small treat helps too - Whittakers Dark Chocolate (if dark chocolate appeals).
Not silly at all. A wrap for lunch and a walk which was pleasant.
That Whittaker's dark chocolate is yum. Grabbed a bar. I'm addicted. 😀
Glad to hear you are holding in there Climacus & treating yourself. First day back is always a bit overwhelming.
BF - yesterday was a bit brighter but we are now back to grey in the NW of England. The sort of days where is never really gets light and even in the middle of the day you need to turn the lights on. It just feels bleak.
Thank you so much for the feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me feel as if I want to vomit. Thank you for making me afraid of things I should not be. And thank you for reminding me I think I'm a failure.
Sorry to hear this. I recognise that feeling in the stomach. New job, move, new country, finding place to live, meeting new people,Christmas, lots of triggers there. Prayers.
There's almost a yellow thing out there. Perhaps I should go out and attack the garden rather than listen to the Beast chuntering (thanks, Bishop's Finger, haven't heard that word in aeons)
I would truly appreciate Shipmates' prayer - I am going through it a bit at the moment, with the black fog (it rises, it swirls, it envelopes...), tiredness and the b*stard cousin Anxiety.
Comments
FFS, why?
Possibly due to (a) medication, (b) painful legs/difficulty walking, (c) general fed-up-ness with Ch**ch....
{{for all suffering from BB or LES}}, who are, AFAIK, related.
It's so easy to just completely forget about something like that. I'm reminded of a party a few years ago when I'd offered to bring some home-made bread, and totally forgot.
The hostess was very nice about it, but there was someone else there who I now suspect (with 20-20 hindsight) was mentally chalking it up against my name (and possibly getting the hostess to do the same), and I felt really bad about it.
We all have brain-farts; next time you see the lady why not bring her some chocolates (or similar) as a peace-offering?
(And if she's not a reasonable person that's not your fault, is it?
{{BF}} -- may today be a better day. And if it is a tough one, let the eyes leak and be kind to yourself. You're a wonderful person.
If it's any comfort, I can catastrophise with the best of you - I'm a terrible one for assuming that if something goes wrong it must be my fault (even if I know it isn't), and often assume that the consequences will be much worse than they actually will.
Know you are thought of, and loved, across the world, thanks to this fine Ship.
May your Black Beasts (of whatever breed) slither Hellwards forthwith.
Begone foul beast!
Day 1 of 2019's working calendar down. Small steps. 🙂
Changing jobs and moving house are supposed to be some of the most stressful things you can do; no wonder your resistance to the Black Beast is a bit low.
Wishing you better days as you get used to your new job and new surroundings.
It may sound silly, but I hope you had a good lunch - sometimes I find a small treat helps too - Whittakers Dark Chocolate (if dark chocolate appeals).
Hope the lying black beast leaves, and tomorrow goes better.
I tend towards mania rather than depression, hypomania is practically my norm and with it comes anxiety. I manage it by keeping a strict schedule (easier for me, I know, as I teach within a distance learning university). As I know that anticipatory fear is an issue, the first thing I do every day is check my email and forums (my main communication with my colleagues and students) and plan my day so that I know what is coming and I make achievable lists and tick them off; I also make weekly/monthly plans. I limit social engagements as too much interaction triggers my mania.
I give myself pep talks throughout the day
<votives> for all whose Black Beast actually seems to like Grey, and therefore emerges round about now. Mine is chuntering to itself under the Episcopal Bed at the moment, but I can feel It ready to emerge....maybe it's the thought of Lent a couple of months away (!)....
Roll on half-past April......
Thank you all. For sharing and the wise advice.
Not silly at all. A wrap for lunch and a walk which was pleasant.
That Whittaker's dark chocolate is yum. Grabbed a bar. I'm addicted. 😀
( There's an Orange and Cardamom one that looks interesting too, but I haven't tried it yet).
BF - yesterday was a bit brighter but we are now back to grey in the NW of England. The sort of days where is never really gets light and even in the middle of the day you need to turn the lights on. It just feels bleak.
The Episcopal Coal Stack is ready.
Thank you so much for the feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me feel as if I want to vomit. Thank you for making me afraid of things I should not be. And thank you for reminding me I think I'm a failure.
Interesting start to the new working week.
I hope all are doing okay.
Not sure if I misread your "me too" Mr Toad (echoing Loth or echoing my struggles...) I hope all is well.
May the black fog depart to reveal a sunny day.