How many ___ does it take to change a lightbulb?
Tory backbenchers
Zero. Forecasts that the room will be darker without the lightbulb are just Project Fear.
Labour MPs
All 257 of them, to argue about what to replace the lightbulb with, until eventually the house collapses around them due to structural flaws that couldn't be fixed because the light wasn't working.
European Research Group members
One to replace the lightbulb with a Victorian gaslight.
One to relocate all their own furnishings to Dublin where electricity is 50% cheaper.
Liberal Democrat MPs
One to pledge to change it.
One not to change it.
Sinn Féin MPs
One to change it in English.
One to use Google Translate to change it in Irish.
Zero. Forecasts that the room will be darker without the lightbulb are just Project Fear.
Labour MPs
All 257 of them, to argue about what to replace the lightbulb with, until eventually the house collapses around them due to structural flaws that couldn't be fixed because the light wasn't working.
European Research Group members
One to replace the lightbulb with a Victorian gaslight.
One to relocate all their own furnishings to Dublin where electricity is 50% cheaper.
Liberal Democrat MPs
One to pledge to change it.
One not to change it.
Sinn Féin MPs
One to change it in English.
One to use Google Translate to change it in Irish.
This discussion has been closed.

Comments
A: 26: 18 to surround the building, 6 to storm the room and kill the terrorists, one to forcibly expel the old bulb, and another one to screw the new one in
Thanks, Ricardus - I think you win the internet today! Where's that "killingme" smilie when I need it?
A: No surrender!
None - Nanny does it for him.
They can't remove the old one because they can only turn to the right.
48 who promised to come and help change it but mysteriously only 23 who actually show up...
Also zero, we have invested record amounts in lighting, so it is impossible that the lightbulb could have failed.
10 to organise the fact-finding mission to Sri Lanka
1 to explain how much better they change lightbulbs in Colombo
Momentum supporters
1 to change the lightbulb
50,000 to denounce the old lightbulb on Facebook as a Blairite centrist lightbulb
Four. One to change it, three to deny that it had burned out.
There is no evidence of a lightbulb.
We have been used to sitting in holy darkness since the Synod of Nikudask in 1142.
How many David Cameron's does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None, he looks surprised when it goes out then wanders off humming.
I, said the Lib Dems,
with my clever amends,
I killed the deal.
Who saw it die?
I, said the ERG,
with my little purge,
I saw it die.
Who caught May's fall?
I, said J Hunt,
Cis I'm a little -,
I caught May's fall.
Who'll make the shroud?
I, said our Arlene,
with my thread I'm so keen,
I'll make the shroud.
Who'll dig its grave?
I, said Corbyn,
to grow my marrow in,
I'll dig it's grave.
Who'll be the parson?
I, said Sturgeon,
with a stern face on,
I'll be the parson.
Who'll be the clerk?
I, said D Tusk,
I need to, I must,
I'll be the clerk.
Who'll carry the link?
I, said Sein fein,
I'll fetch it after the rain,
I'll carry the link.
Who'll be chief mourner?
I, said no-one,
I looked and they'd all gone,
I'll be chief mourner.
Who'll try again?
I, said the optimistic,
if it's not too masochistic,
I'll try the again.
Who'll bear the cost?
We, said the people,
both the sides and all,
We'll bear the cost.
Who'll call a vote?
I, said the house,
as it sat and talked about,
I'll call a vote.
Who'll weep for Brexit?
I, said gully Bull,
because I'm woefull,
I'll weep for Brexit.
All the news feeds of the world
fell a-writing and a-howling,
when they heard the vote come down
for Brexit undone.
(And am now looking for some excuse to use
How many Boris Johnsons does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to find a Remainer to do it for him, and one to complain that the new lightbulb doesn't do the impossible.
1. And then 2 years for the politicians to screw it up.
Brilliant!!
I wasn't there, none of it happened, it is fake news. And if it did happen, it was personal money, not campaign donations. I paid out of my own pocket to have that lightbulb changed. The old lighbulb was just no use, no good, very stupid. This new one is so much better.
There is NO COLLUSION. We shoudl stop the investigation into lightbulbs immediately, because there is NOTHING TO FIND.
And what is wrong isf I did actually replace the lightbulb on my own. With 6 members of my security team? It only cost $5M dollars to replace it. I do the best deals.
A: What do you mean change?
Sounds like an item for the next meeting of Vestry / Parish Council.
Is that lightbulb the one donated by <the whatever family> as a legacy? Do we have to consult the bishop, the diocesan chancellor, is there still a lightbulb committee? Did we budget for lightbulbs? Why are we using lightbulbs anyway, what was ever wrong with candles, saying thee and thou, while we're on that, what's with singing hymns which are not in the hymnal?
35 minutes later.....
Maybe we should have a tea, bakesale, fundraiser... Do you think old Mrs So-and-So would organize it -- with additional comments for at least 15 minutes about her bunions, her apparent saintliness, and my how good were her fig newtons the last time; and that we mustn't ask Mrs So-and-So to organize this with Mrs So-So, though everyone who knows won't say why and all those who don't know try to nod as if they know.
Light bulb discussion will be referred to the property committee which hasn't met recently and they really need to because of the roof, and meanwhile I've contemplated pretending to be unwell so I can leave....
I agree on the substance, but I have no idea why should trigger thanks. It's hard to be grateful for being traumatised..
Maybe being distracted from the political swamp this side of the Atlantic by being reminded of the poitical swamp the other side.
(And glad that I cheered you up)
A: Who knows? So far the bulb has outlasted them all.
Two: One to change it, one to kick the chair out from under her.
Three. One to go up the ladder and two to bitch about how it's far too high for her but they could do it easily.
How many Jewish mothers . . . ?
"Never mind. I'll just sit in the dark."
One - but it actually revolves around her.
I thought that was tenors?
Amen.
None: we don't even need the lightbulb, we can rip it out and the fittings and the entire electricity supply. We'll make our own light, thank you very much!
How many Brexit secretaries of state does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who knows? All they do is complain about the bulb and then, when asked to make a plan for changing it, run away and bitch about how intransigent the lightbulb is.
Not really. I am a tenor and I know how our rarity can increase our sense of importance
And anyway, we managed without candles before we got these fancy lightbulbs, why can't we go back to having them now? In fact, we were much better with just candles!
I changed a bulb all by myself today in his honour. Which is more than anyone in this shitshow of a government could manage. Bastards.