How many ___ does it take to change a lightbulb?

RicardusRicardus Shipmate
edited December 2018 in Hell
Tory backbenchers
Zero. Forecasts that the room will be darker without the lightbulb are just Project Fear.

Labour MPs
All 257 of them, to argue about what to replace the lightbulb with, until eventually the house collapses around them due to structural flaws that couldn't be fixed because the light wasn't working.

European Research Group members
One to replace the lightbulb with a Victorian gaslight.
One to relocate all their own furnishings to Dublin where electricity is 50% cheaper.

Liberal Democrat MPs
One to pledge to change it.
One not to change it.

Sinn Féin MPs
One to change it in English.
One to use Google Translate to change it in Irish.
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Comments

  • Q: How many Israeli soldiers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: 26: 18 to surround the building, 6 to storm the room and kill the terrorists, one to forcibly expel the old bulb, and another one to screw the new one in
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Ricardus wrote: »
    Sinn Féin MPs
    One to change it in English.
    One to use Google Translate to change it in Irish.
    :mrgreen:

    Thanks, Ricardus - I think you win the internet today! Where's that "killingme" smilie when I need it?
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Q. How many DUP MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: No surrender!
  • How many Rees Moggs does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None - Nanny does it for him.
  • How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

    They can't remove the old one because they can only turn to the right.
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    How many Trump family members does it take to change a light bulb? None. They hire one cheap immigrant to change the light bulb, and then throw his butt out of the country so he won't sponsor his family. And then blame China for exporting a defective bulb.
  • How many Coalition MPs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to wait for Rupert Murdoch’s permission.
  • To add to the European Research group one..

    48 who promised to come and help change it but mysteriously only 23 who actually show up...
  • Cabinet ministers
    Also zero, we have invested record amounts in lighting, so it is impossible that the lightbulb could have failed.
  • DUP MPs
    10 to organise the fact-finding mission to Sri Lanka
    1 to explain how much better they change lightbulbs in Colombo

    Momentum supporters
    1 to change the lightbulb
    50,000 to denounce the old lightbulb on Facebook as a Blairite centrist lightbulb
  • Ricardus - demonstrating some real insider knowledge of Ulster politicking!!! Loved the Sinn Fein one, too!
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    How many politicians of any ilk or persuasion . . . ?

    Four. One to change it, three to deny that it had burned out.
  • How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    There is no evidence of a lightbulb.
  • Doc Tor wrote: »
    How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    There is no evidence of a lightbulb.

    We have been used to sitting in holy darkness since the Synod of Nikudask in 1142.
  • I feel it ought to be possible to do a Brexit version of cockrobin, either who killed brexit or who killed May's deal. In the meanwhile ....

    How many David Cameron's does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    None, he looks surprised when it goes out then wanders off humming.
  • Who killed the deal ?
    I, said the Lib Dems,
    with my clever amends,
    I killed the deal.

    Who saw it die?
    I, said the ERG,
    with my little purge,
    I saw it die.

    Who caught May's fall?
    I, said J Hunt,
    Cis I'm a little -,
    I caught May's fall.

    Who'll make the shroud?
    I, said our Arlene,
    with my thread I'm so keen,
    I'll make the shroud.

    Who'll dig its grave?
    I, said Corbyn,
    to grow my marrow in,
    I'll dig it's grave.

    Who'll be the parson?
    I, said Sturgeon,
    with a stern face on,
    I'll be the parson.

    Who'll be the clerk?
    I, said D Tusk,
    I need to, I must,
    I'll be the clerk.

    Who'll carry the link?
    I, said Sein fein,
    I'll fetch it after the rain,
    I'll carry the link.

    Who'll be chief mourner?
    I, said no-one,
    I looked and they'd all gone,
    I'll be chief mourner.

    Who'll try again?
    I, said the optimistic,
    if it's not too masochistic,
    I'll try the again.

    Who'll bear the cost?
    We, said the people,
    both the sides and all,
    We'll bear the cost.

    Who'll call a vote?
    I, said the house,
    as it sat and talked about,
    I'll call a vote.

    Who'll weep for Brexit?
    I, said gully Bull,
    because I'm woefull,
    I'll weep for Brexit.

    All the news feeds of the world
    fell a-writing and a-howling,
    when they heard the vote come down
    for Brexit undone.
  • RicardusRicardus Shipmate
    edited December 2018
    Doublethink: Just spent ages trying to find a :notworthy: equivalent but will have to make do with :smiley: :smiley:

    (And am now looking for some excuse to use :trollface: and :cookie: )
  • well that just takes the biscuit.
  • DafydDafyd Shipmate
    Well done Doublethink.

    How many Boris Johnsons does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One to find a Remainer to do it for him, and one to complain that the new lightbulb doesn't do the impossible.
  • How many British referendums does it take to change a lightbulb.

    1. And then 2 years for the politicians to screw it up.
  • Doublethink

    Brilliant!!
  • How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    I wasn't there, none of it happened, it is fake news. And if it did happen, it was personal money, not campaign donations. I paid out of my own pocket to have that lightbulb changed. The old lighbulb was just no use, no good, very stupid. This new one is so much better.

    There is NO COLLUSION. We shoudl stop the investigation into lightbulbs immediately, because there is NOTHING TO FIND.

    And what is wrong isf I did actually replace the lightbulb on my own. With 6 members of my security team? It only cost $5M dollars to replace it. I do the best deals.
  • Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: What do you mean change?
  • SC, it was so easy to read that in DT's voice. Thank you.
  • "I just want to assure everyone that no lightbulbs will be changed on my watch. What this country needs is a time of stability so we can deliver the Brexit that the people have voted for. I remain committed to taking this forward, which means that any thought of changing is very, very silly!"
  • Caissa wrote: »
    Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: What do you mean change?

    Sounds like an item for the next meeting of Vestry / Parish Council.

    Is that lightbulb the one donated by <the whatever family> as a legacy? Do we have to consult the bishop, the diocesan chancellor, is there still a lightbulb committee? Did we budget for lightbulbs? Why are we using lightbulbs anyway, what was ever wrong with candles, saying thee and thou, while we're on that, what's with singing hymns which are not in the hymnal?

    35 minutes later.....
    Maybe we should have a tea, bakesale, fundraiser... Do you think old Mrs So-and-So would organize it -- with additional comments for at least 15 minutes about her bunions, her apparent saintliness, and my how good were her fig newtons the last time; and that we mustn't ask Mrs So-and-So to organize this with Mrs So-So, though everyone who knows won't say why and all those who don't know try to nod as if they know.

    Light bulb discussion will be referred to the property committee which hasn't met recently and they really need to because of the roof, and meanwhile I've contemplated pretending to be unwell so I can leave....
  • I have been at such vestry meetings Noprophet_Noprofit. Thanks for the walk down memory lane.
  • The Rogue wrote: »
    SC, it was so easy to read that in DT's voice. Thank you.

    I agree on the substance, but I have no idea why should trigger thanks. It's hard to be grateful for being traumatised..
  • The Rogue wrote: »
    SC, it was so easy to read that in DT's voice. Thank you.

    I agree on the substance, but I have no idea why should trigger thanks. It's hard to be grateful for being traumatised..

    Maybe being distracted from the political swamp this side of the Atlantic by being reminded of the poitical swamp the other side.

    (And glad that I cheered you up)
  • Q: How many Australian Prime Ministers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Who knows? So far the bulb has outlasted them all.
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    :mrgreen:
  • Gee DGee D Shipmate
    Like it
  • The psychiatrist one is well old - how many psychiatrists blah blah blah. Only one, but the light-bulb really has to want to change.
  • Baptist TrainfanBaptist Trainfan Shipmate
    edited December 2018
    How many modern theologians does it take to change a lightbulb? They might not bother trying - I mean, who literally believes in lightbulbs these days? They are merely metaphors for our own attempts at internal illumination (Ouch! I never saw that chair I've just stubbed my toe on).
  • That reminds me of a Zen retreat, where the leader kept grabbing a chunk of her sweater, and shouting, "what's this stuff?" We all goggled at her, devoid of ideas, and knackered, but I slept well that night.
  • jbohnjbohn Shipmate
    How many bluegrass musicians? 11. One to change it, and 10 more to bitch because it's electric...
  • The psychiatrist one is well old - how many psychiatrists blah blah blah. Only one, but the light-bulb really has to want to change.
    How many physical therapists does it take? Just one, but they have to go a course about it first, then they teach the lightbulb a home exercise program so it can change itself.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    How many sopranos . . . ?

    Two: One to change it, one to kick the chair out from under her.
  • How many sopranos . . . ?

    Two: One to change it, one to kick the chair out from under her.

    Three. One to go up the ladder and two to bitch about how it's far too high for her but they could do it easily.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    I like that one better.

    How many Jewish mothers . . . ?

    "Never mind. I'll just sit in the dark."
  • RossweisseRossweisse Hell Host, 8th Day Host
    How many sopranos...?

    One - but it actually revolves around her.

  • Rossweisse wrote: »
    How many sopranos...?

    One - but it actually revolves around her.

    I thought that was tenors?
  • You're on dangerous ground there ...
  • KarlLB wrote: »
    Rossweisse wrote: »
    How many sopranos...?

    One - but it actually revolves around her.

    I thought that was tenors?

    Amen.
  • How many hard Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None: we don't even need the lightbulb, we can rip it out and the fittings and the entire electricity supply. We'll make our own light, thank you very much!

    How many Brexit secretaries of state does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Who knows? All they do is complain about the bulb and then, when asked to make a plan for changing it, run away and bitch about how intransigent the lightbulb is.
  • You're on dangerous ground there ...

    Not really. I am a tenor and I know how our rarity can increase our sense of importance ;)
  • They are allegedly more plentiful this side of the Severn ...
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Mr Smiff wrote: »
    How many hard Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None: we don't even need the lightbulb, we can rip it out and the fittings and the entire electricity supply. We'll make our own light, thank you very much!

    How many Brexit secretaries of state does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Who knows? All they do is complain about the bulb and then, when asked to make a plan for changing it, run away and bitch about how intransigent the lightbulb is.
    And besides, if there's one thing we're really united on when we're huddled around the flickering candles - the only thing - it's that we want to make sure we can blame someone else when they've changed the bulb, and it goes off with a bang, irreversibly fusing the entire system.
  • Enoch wrote: »
    Mr Smiff wrote: »
    How many hard Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None: we don't even need the lightbulb, we can rip it out and the fittings and the entire electricity supply. We'll make our own light, thank you very much!

    How many Brexit secretaries of state does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Who knows? All they do is complain about the bulb and then, when asked to make a plan for changing it, run away and bitch about how intransigent the lightbulb is.
    And besides, if there's one thing we're really united on when we're huddled around the flickering candles - the only thing - it's that we want to make sure we can blame someone else when they've changed the bulb, and it goes off with a bang, irreversibly fusing the entire system.

    And anyway, we managed without candles before we got these fancy lightbulbs, why can't we go back to having them now? In fact, we were much better with just candles!
  • The first domestic house with electric light is on my walk to the shops (it's Joseph Swan's house, though presumably they've rewired since then...). For all the jokes, he saved, and continues to save countless lives through avoiding house fires caused by candles.

    I changed a bulb all by myself today in his honour. Which is more than anyone in this shitshow of a government could manage. Bastards.
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