Something funny

MooMoo Kerygmania Host
I just came across this and thought other shippies would enjoy it.
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.[2]
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Comments

  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Apparently a school of piranha can skeletonise a small child in about three minutes, leaving nothing but bones.

    In other news, did I mention I lost my job at the aquarium?
  • MooMoo Kerygmania Host
    I realized after I posted it that this was a fake. All ships, especially large aircraft carriers, have charts showing the location of lighthouses. There are many other things wrong with the story.
  • CathscatsCathscats Shipmate
    But it is still funny.
  • Nick TamenNick Tamen Shipmate
    As my grandmother used to say, never let the truth get in the way of a good story. :wink:
  • DooneDoone Shipmate
    Absolutely 😅!
  • finelinefineline Kerygmania Host, 8th Day Host
    Heh, yes, it's an urban legend from the 1990s - I remember first hearing it when I was in Canada then - and it has variations for other countries too, but it's still very funny, a great story, and works as a kind of parable too.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Sorry. Thought we'd started a general joke thread.
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    KarlLB wrote: »
    Sorry. Thought we'd started a general joke thread.

    This always happens in a general joke thread. Shows we're right on track. Maybe time for the next joke. You go.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    I did mine earlier
  • jrwjrw Shipmate
    edited April 7
    I couldn't help laughing at this quote I recently read from Bette Davis;

    "You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good… Joan Crawford is dead. Good!"
  • Will I be forgiven for recycling an old one?

    An old engineer’s time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer heads back down, checks in at the gates of hell and is let right in. Pretty soon, he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. Despite the large number of program managers, purchasing agents and financial controllers there - where else can they go? - everything goes smoothly. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a popular man. He settles comfortably back into his old profession - hardly anything has changed from back on earth, except the boss appreciates him now, and the working conditions are better.

    One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks, a little smugly, it must be said, "How are things down there in hell?" Satan replies, "It's going pretty well. We have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs his head off and answers, "Aye, right - and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    I like it! :smiley:
  • la vie en rougela vie en rouge Circus Host, 8th Day Host
    Two eggs are in the fridge.

    Egg 1 asks egg 2, "Why are you all furry and green on the inside?"

    Egg 2: "Because I'm a kiwi."
  • TwilightTwilight Shipmate
    A hamburger went into a bar.
    The bartender said, "I'm sorry. We don't serve food."
  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host, 8th Day Host
    Did you know that there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?
    Same thing with the Virgin Islands.
    .
    ..
    ...
    ....
    .....
    There are no canaries there, either.
  • Pyx_ePyx_e Shipmate Posts: 4
    Guys ignore all emails telling you that tinned chopped ham gives you coronavirus, they are all spam.

    P.
  • AravisAravis Shipmate
    A man goes into a word shop and says, “I’d like an entendre, please.”
    “Single or double?” asks the shopkeeper.
    “Double.”
    “Sir, I think you mean you want a LARGE one?”
  • If you recall the TV series MASH, this is made of short clips of episodes of it, nicely done.

    https://youtu.be/L5CNHDeF2xA

  • Loving that!
  • PigwidgeonPigwidgeon Shipmate
    If you recall the TV series MASH, this is made of short clips of episodes of it, nicely done.

    https://youtu.be/L5CNHDeF2xA

    Thank you for that! I'd been thinking about the "Don't touch your nose" episode but forgotten the others.

    I loved M*A*S*H.
  • Robertus LRobertus L Shipmate
    Aravis wrote: »
    A man goes into a word shop and says, “I’d like an entendre, please.”
    “Single or double?” asks the shopkeeper.
    “Double.”
    “Sir, I think you mean you want a LARGE one?”

    A woman walked in to a bar and asked the barman for an innuendo
    So he gave her one
  • Robertus LRobertus L Shipmate
    Apparently this was once judged to be the joke that was found to be funny in all cultures (which is quite a big claim!)

    Man: Hello, ambulance service?

    Woman: Yes, how can I help?

    Man: I'm out hunting with my friend, my gun went off accidentally, and I think he's dead

    Woman: First of all, can you please make sure he's dead?

    Pause - LOUD BANG

    Man:: Right I've done that, what do I do next?
  • MooMoo Kerygmania Host
    Do you know how the Easter Bunny gets his eggs?

    He runs through the henhouse yelling, "Colonel Sanders is coming!"
  • MooMoo Kerygmania Host
    A strip club which is closed because of Covid has a sign out front which says,

    SORRY WE'RE CLOTHED
  • Copied from the Bad Puns thread that had been opened in AS
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    With all the free time staying at home, I am pleased to announce I wrote a book on penguins.
    Though on second thought, paper might have been better.
    Who writes on paper anymore? Surely you would write on your computer. Take care, though, not to wipe it.
    Dafyd wrote: »
    I've worked out a way to use my iPad to cook teacakes. They're called pad buns.

  • And, some more from that thread ...
    Just before lockdown started there was outrage when a couple of yobs, at the local zoo, threw a penguin to the lions. Luckily they couldn't get the wrapper off.
    BroJames wrote: »
    P-p-p-pick up a Penguin
    Pigwidgeon wrote: »
    BroJames wrote: »
    P-p-p-pick up a Penguin

    Thanks for the link. I was baffled by the joke.
    Golden Key wrote: »
    (I didn't know, either. Thought maybe "wrapper" referred to a penguin's "tuxedo".)

  • And, finally for your (errm) enjoyment ...
    Ditto. But along the same line . . .

    I hear that the infection is less serious in the northernmost reaches of Canada due to the Klondike bar.

    And who is it who first said that chocolate and ice cream can fix anything?
    Apologies for the confusion. For some reason I thought Penguin biscuits came from America.
    Penguins come from North Africa, everyone agrees they are very moorish.

  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    A nun is teaching a class of middle-school girls, and asks one of them what she would like to be when she grows up.

    "A prostitute", the young lady replies.

    The nun faints in horror, and is carried by some of the other girls to the infirmary. When she comes to, she asks to speak with the offending girl.

    "Wh-what did you say you wanted to be?" asks the nun.

    "A prostitute", says the girl.
    The nun lets out a deep sigh of relief. "Oh, thank heavens! I thought you said a protestant!"


  • Wet KipperWet Kipper Shipmate
    There is a similar urban legend tale involving a policeman
    Policeman is in the hills around [insert local area here] with his radar speed camera, watching for those speeding along country roads
    Hearing a strange noise he points his gun in the general direction - it very quickly reads up to 250+mph before the display breaks and wisps of smoke start coming out.
    shortly after, an air force jet on low level flying practice streaks past him

    Annoyed, once he is back at the police station he writes a letter to the local air-force base along the lines of:
    "Dear Air-force, I was in the hills around [..] on [date] and one of your planes was flying so fast, it broke my speed radar gun. Please find enclosed photo proof and a bill for its replacement"

    A few days letter he receives a letter in return
    "Dear Policeman - we have investigated your letter of complaint, and confirm that we were operating in the area at the time
    We have spoken with the pilot involved - he has noted that during his flight run he noticed a strange radar source had locked on to his aircraft. He was in the process of activating a retaliatory missile strike on the source when he spotted you on the hills and prevented the launch. Please consider yourself lucky."
  • An old man, found lying down in the street, obviously very unwell, is taken to A & E, where the doctors say that there is nothing to be done for him, but to send for his family.

    (This is clearly a pre-Plague story).

    The family arrives, and the old man, with his dying gasps, addresses his sons:

    'Charlie, you can have all my properties in Canary Wharf. Fred, you can have all my properties in the City of London. Jim, you can have all my properties in the West End. Tom, you can have all my other properties south of the Thames, and Dick, you can have all the rest of the properties north of the Thames'.

    The old man breathes his last, and passes peacefully away.

    The doctor says to the assembled family 'O what a wonderful inheritance your poor dear father has bequeathed to you! What a peaceful and painless end! Why are you all looking so glum?'

    Family - 'HE WAS A BLOODY WINDOW-CLEANER!!!'

    I'll get me coat...
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    An old man, found lying down in the street, obviously very unwell, is taken to A & E, where the doctors say that there is nothing to be done for him, but to send for his family.

    (This is clearly a pre-Plague story).

    The family arrives, and the old man, with his dying gasps, addresses his sons:

    'Charlie, you can have all my properties in Canary Wharf. Fred, you can have all my properties in the City of London. Jim, you can have all my properties in the West End. Tom, you can have all my other properties south of the Thames, and Dick, you can have all the rest of the properties north of the Thames'.

    The old man breathes his last, and passes peacefully away.

    The doctor says to the assembled family 'O what a wonderful inheritance your poor dear father has bequeathed to you! What a peaceful and painless end! Why are you all looking so glum?'

    Family - 'HE WAS A BLOODY WINDOW-CLEANER!!!'

    I'll get me coat...

    The first time I saw this I heard he was a chimney sweep.

    Getting my coat too.
  • Greg, a second year law student gets a summer position in Hell, and Associates. It's not entirely reputable, but Hell is a large firm with a long history. It's great! Yeah, the work is not very interesting, a lot of photocopying, etc., but the secretaries are either pretty or solicitous, the hours aren't terrible, and there's an active social life, once, sometimes twice a week Satan puts on a buffet, everyone is laughing, drinking, having a great time (sometimes in a broom closet), Greg decides that this fantastic.

    At the end of the summer Greg meets Satan in the corridor, and says, "Erm, you know, Satan, I really enjoyed the work here this summer, so after third year, I'd really like to do my articling here."

    Satan gives him a slap on the back, gives an avuncular laugh, and says, "Greg, we'd love to have you back! Do decently in third year, and you can consider it done!" He looks around conspiratorially, and whispers, "And, by the way, I noticed that you and Lucy were quite sweet on one another - and she is coming back."

    Greg gets through his third year with flying colours, and immediately packs up for Hell. No sooner in the office doors than one of the senior parters hands him a stack of files and says, I need these on my desk first thing tomorrow. Good Lord, Greg thinks. On his way to his office another senior partner says, "Who are You?"

    "Greg."

    "I don't know who are - and don't care. Here are my motions. I'm due in Court right after lunch."

    Greg encounters Lucy in the corridor, as he's balancing his stack of files. "Hi, Lucy."

    She looks at him with disgust. "You're a fucking creep. Fuck off and never speak to me again.

    Greg is completely confused. He gets to his office. The air conditioning is broken. He just barely gets through his motions. The senior partner bellows at him, "I said I needed them before lunch!" He gets to work on the other files. He hasn't had lunch, looks at his watch and it's now 1 am. He puts his head down for a minute, and another partner sticks his head in, "Slacking, Greg? Doesn't look good. No, not at all."

    This goes on for what seems an eternity. Greg has had enough. After repeated attempts he finally gets an appointment with Satan.

    "You know, Satan, I didn't sign on for this. It was all easy, we socialised, feasted, danced, Lucy was great. Now it's all unreasonable demands - impossible, really - I have no social life, Lucy hates me, and I never leave the office."

    Satan starts laughing uproariously, holding his sides. "Oh, Greg. You must have been on the summer plan!"
  • The summer plan?
  • Pangolin GuerrePangolin Guerre Shipmate
    edited April 24
    It's a thing in Canada. Law students can get work at law firms between first and second and second third year law (law is generally a three year programme here), over the summer. Because they know nothing, they're given very few responsibilities but get to attend all the staff social events, pretend that they're a lawyer, etc., often leading to the misapprehension that life at a high-powered law firm is 'a glorious cycle of song, a medley of extempoaranea' Doing their articles after graduation, they become slaves. I've seen a few age very quickly: very long hours, poor diet, no exercise. One local firm of note called Davies, etc. etc. is known on the street as Slaveys, etc. etc.
  • TrudyTrudy Heaven Host, 8th Day Host
    stetson wrote: »
    A nun is teaching a class of middle-school girls, and asks one of them what she would like to be when she grows up.

    "A prostitute", the young lady replies.

    The nun faints in horror, and is carried by some of the other girls to the infirmary. When she comes to, she asks to speak with the offending girl.

    "Wh-what did you say you wanted to be?" asks the nun.

    "A prostitute", says the girl.
    The nun lets out a deep sigh of relief. "Oh, thank heavens! I thought you said a protestant!"


    That one has a fond place in my memory as the first "grown up" joke I remember hearing as a child -- not being fully clear what a prostitute was, but knowing it was funny because that was something naughty.
  • PigwidgeonPigwidgeon Shipmate
    The first, and probably the only, "dirty" joke my sister ever told me. (This was over 50 years ago, when Volkswagens were the little beetles.)

    What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
    Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.

  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    I dreamt I was a muffler last night.

    I woke up exhausted.


    Have you ever eaten a clock?
    It's quite time-consuming, especially if you go back for seconds.
  • Robert ArminRobert Armin Shipmate
    Yesterday I learnt a new term, R0 (to do with how easily the virus spreads) and was told it should be pronounced "R nought". This seems silly to me, and I want to say, "Ahr oh".

    As in the song, "R0, is it me you're looking for?"
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    Since zero should never be called "oh", I can see why the scientists wouldn't. But the subscripted zero is called "nought" in set theory also, aleph nought being the smallest order of infinity.
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    What a great name for a sci-fi book! "The Smallest Order of Infinity"--a rip-roaring space opera full of time-traveling monks, multiplying timelines, and a Quest to stop animated asparagus from destroying the universe!
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    What a great name for a sci-fi book! "The Smallest Order of Infinity"--a rip-roaring space opera full of time-traveling monks, multiplying timelines, and a Quest to stop animated asparagus from destroying the universe!

    Get on it!
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Aye, sir, right away, sir. I think it will have to feature the internet Munx of happy memory, as they are the smallest order I am aware of.
  • SparrowSparrow Shipmate
    Greg, a second year law student gets a summer position in Hell, and Associates. It's not entirely reputable, but Hell is a large firm with a long history. It's great! Yeah, the work is not very interesting, a lot of photocopying, etc., but the secretaries are either pretty or solicitous, the hours aren't terrible, and there's an active social life, once, sometimes twice a week Satan puts on a buffet, everyone is laughing, drinking, having a great time (sometimes in a broom closet), Greg decides that this fantastic.

    At the end of the summer Greg meets Satan in the corridor, and says, "Erm, you know, Satan, I really enjoyed the work here this summer, so after third year, I'd really like to do my articling here."

    Satan gives him a slap on the back, gives an avuncular laugh, and says, "Greg, we'd love to have you back! Do decently in third year, and you can consider it done!" He looks around conspiratorially, and whispers, "And, by the way, I noticed that you and Lucy were quite sweet on one another - and she is coming back."

    Greg gets through his third year with flying colours, and immediately packs up for Hell. No sooner in the office doors than one of the senior parters hands him a stack of files and says, I need these on my desk first thing tomorrow. Good Lord, Greg thinks. On his way to his office another senior partner says, "Who are You?"

    "Greg."

    "I don't know who are - and don't care. Here are my motions. I'm due in Court right after lunch."

    Greg encounters Lucy in the corridor, as he's balancing his stack of files. "Hi, Lucy."

    She looks at him with disgust. "You're a fucking creep. Fuck off and never speak to me again.

    Greg is completely confused. He gets to his office. The air conditioning is broken. He just barely gets through his motions. The senior partner bellows at him, "I said I needed them before lunch!" He gets to work on the other files. He hasn't had lunch, looks at his watch and it's now 1 am. He puts his head down for a minute, and another partner sticks his head in, "Slacking, Greg? Doesn't look good. No, not at all."

    This goes on for what seems an eternity. Greg has had enough. After repeated attempts he finally gets an appointment with Satan.

    "You know, Satan, I didn't sign on for this. It was all easy, we socialised, feasted, danced, Lucy was great. Now it's all unreasonable demands - impossible, really - I have no social life, Lucy hates me, and I never leave the office."

    Satan starts laughing uproariously, holding his sides. "Oh, Greg. You must have been on the summer plan!"

    I've heard a slightly different version of the punchline; "Last week we were recruiting you. Now you're staff."
  • What did the Higgs Boson particle shout as he was being kicked out of Church?

    “Without me you can’t have mass!”


    What do you call Batman running out of a Church?

    Christian Bail
  • There's a car around here, belonging, it may be said, to a Presbyterian minister, with the licence plate 'PUNNEDIT'. He is notorious as an abominable punster.
  • This from a Jewish YouTube joke video:

    Four Jewish ladies are having lunch in a restaurant. The waiter comes up to the table, and asks 'Ladies - is anything all right?'
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Four men go into rather a grubby restaurant. It's uninspiring but they're hungry and it's the only one available. The shirt, collar, cuffs, towel etc of the waiter serving them are none too clean either. Somewhat squeamishly, they order their meals. One of them says to the waiter, "I want a clean plate. Mind, you give me one".

    When, after rather a long wait, he brings their food, he calls out, "Which of you was it that ordered the clean plate?"

  • A Priest, a Pastor, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.

    The Rabbit says 'I think I'm a typo....'
  • Reminds me... Years ago when I still enjoyed driving in Manhattan, I saw an old VW Rabbit with the 't' knocked off the Rabbit logo. When I drew up beside it, I saw the driver was dressed in black, and wearing a broad black hat.
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