scriptural tone-downs

stetsonstetson Shipmate
As I think most of us know, the Bible contains quite a bit of, shall we say, extreme characters, metaphors, imagery etc. So, the game is to take one of those more polarizing passages and give it a moderating gloss.

So, for example...

In Revelation, you've got the Naughty Little Flirt of Babylon, the Generally Inaccurate Prophet, and the Rather-Averse-To-Christ(*).

And flipping back to Psalms for a bit, we find one of the more notorious of the "difficult" passages:

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy finest dinnerware against the stones.

And so on and so forth. Though I hereby preclude anyone from using "The Ten Suggestions".

(*) Yes, I know the phrases "Whore Of Babylon" and "Antichrist" don't actually appear in Revelation, but you can use popular renderings, as long as they are closely associated with the text in question.



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Comments

  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    “If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if you were thrown into the pool without your floatie."
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate

    Acts 12:23
    Immediately an angel of the Lord struck him down, because he did not give God the glory, and he was covered in ringworm and had to go down to the local pharmacy to get anti-yeast cream.
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    Good one! I'm gonna like this thread. :smiley:
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    "Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father."

    "Uhh, okay, I'll give you an hour. After that, I can't make any promises."
  • Matthew 13:41-42: [The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; and shall cast them into a nice warm room: there shall be quiet blubbing as a dentist polishes their teeth.
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    "And then I will say unto them, I never really got to know you all that well, give me a little space, alright?"
  • SparrowSparrow Shipmate
    Meanwhile Sisera fled on foot to the tent of Jael wife of Heber … Jael took a tent peg, picked up a hammer, crept up to him and drove the peg into his skull as he lay asleep, and gave him a nasty headache.
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Genesis 7:10-12
    And after seven days the waters of the flood came upon the earth.

    In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on that day all the sewers of the cities backed up, and the phonelines of the repair people went offline. And people waded knee deep in crap for forty days and forty nights.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Moab is my wet wipe, and over Philistia have I left a pair of trainers quite close by.
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    And the Lord put a tattoo of Sponge Bob on Cain's forehead, so that no one who came upon him would kill him, but laugh their frickin' head off.
  • You shall have dominion over all the beasts except, of course, cats and mosquitos.
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live in a gated community with a proper homeowner association.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    The Lord taketh an occasional interest in me, I will get by. He giveth me a brochure for a still waters and green pastures resort.
  • In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth, And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. So you see, it could be worse; it was like this before Brexit, too.
  • Matthew 3:7 "But when John the Baptist saw many Pharisees and Sadducees coming for baptism, he said to them, ‘Oh, you're such naughty scamps! But you're so cute, I can't be cross with you for long.'"
  • Reminder, when two (probably drunk) men are fighting, don't grab them by the beans. God really hates it when you grab a guy's beans.

    Also on the topic of men, if they don't have a normal sausage and beans, they can't be leading anything, I hate it when men don't have normal junk in their pants. Except, I really like when they cut off just the end of of the sausage casing. It doesn't matter if this seems inconsistent to you, because, dammit, I'm God.
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    I will give you all the kingdoms of the world if you will bow down and worship me.
    Stand a little off to the side, Satan!
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    "We see through a glass, having to squint a little bit."
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man anywhere there is a steep fall and no handrail.
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    We have a little sister and her secondary sexual characteristics haven't completely developed.
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Pride goeth before a pratfall.
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine gave out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” And Jesus said to her, “Woman, what concern is that to you and to me? My hour has not yet come.” His mother said, "Don't sass me, boy! I brought you into this world and I can ...uh ..." Jesus said, "That's what I thought. Now I need a drink."
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Ha!
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    There was a man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho and he encountered a pickpocket.
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Firenze wrote: »
    There was a man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho and he encountered a pickpocket.

    A guy who knew a lot about religion happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.
  • Woe to you whitewashed tombs! You shall never fully appreciate the care put into your final resting places.
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Woe to you whitewashed tombs! You shall never fully appreciate the care put into your final resting places.

    What's the original?
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host, 8th Day Host
    Matthew 23.27-28
    “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which on the outside look beautiful, but inside they are full of the bones of the dead and of all kinds of filth.”
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    Thanks.
  • Psalm 137 (8&9):
    O daughter Babylon, you devastator!
    Happy shall they be who pay you back what you have done to us!
    Happy shall they be who take your little ones and deprive them of sweeties.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Psalm 22:

    They gape upon me with their mouths: as it were a ramping and a purring pussycat.
  • edited May 12
    Jesus said, "Let those among you who are without sin be the first to throw the stone." The crowd looked at Jesus, realizing that he had scored a winning point in the argument. Then Jesus picked up a stone.
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    :lol:
  • SandemaniacSandemaniac Shipmate
    Two rounds, two flats, and a packet of gravel for the lad!
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Jesus said, "Let those among you who are without sin be the first to throw the stone." The crowd looked at Jesus, realizing that he had scored a winning point in the argument. Then Jesus picked up a stone.

    The version I heard ends with a rock flying and Jesus saying "Mum! Do you have to ruin everything?"
  • HedgehogHedgehog Shipmate
    In the beginning, God said: "Wait, where did I put that to-do list? Ah! Here it is. What does it say? Make ear? No, that doesn't sound right. It is just too dark to see this properly. Light, give me some light!" And there was light and God said: "Oh, make EARTH! That makes more sense..."
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    The beastly rugrat was given such a mouth uttering naughty and blasphemous words, and it was allowed to throw its toys around for forty-two months. It opened its mouth to God, making rude rhymes about his name and gas-lighting God's buddies who dwell in heaven.
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    And as they fled Lot's wife looked back, and inexplicably felt the taste of salt on her tongue.
  • Gen 18:20

    So the Lord told Abraham, “I have heard a great outcry from Sodom and Gomorrah, because they won't let some baby called Trump join in the parties. I am going down to see if their parties are as Fab-U-Lous as I have heard. I want to know.”
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    edited May 14
    mousethief wrote: »
    And as they fled Lot's wife looked back, and inexplicably felt the taste of salt on her tongue.

    I've speculated for a while now that that particular passage is just a mythologized rendition of "Lot's wife lingered too long in rapt admiration of the city, and got blasted to smithereens by a huge splash of sulphur."
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    edited May 14
    Acts 19:19

    A number who had practiced sorcery brought their scrolls together and placed trigger warnings on them, before selling them off at a yard sale.

  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    stetson wrote: »
    Acts 19:19

    A number who had practiced sorcery brought their scrolls together and placed trigger warnings on them, before selling them off at a yard sale.
    and donating the money to a charity for distressed donkeys.

  • stetson wrote: »
    mousethief wrote: »
    And as they fled Lot's wife looked back, and inexplicably felt the taste of salt on her tongue.

    I've speculated for a while now that that particular passage is just a mythologized rendition of "Lot's wife lingered too long in rapt admiration of the city, and got blasted to smithereens by a huge splash of sulphur."

    I think that is probably the case - she looked back and was suffocated before being engulfed, wheras those who were looking forward survived.

    Mt 21:12
    Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there, saying "You are charging a tenner for this crap? This is 50 at a car boot".
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    And he said to them, rich people going to heaven is easy-peasy. Want to know what's hard? Passing a camel through the eye of a needle. That's hard.
  • 23 Then Elisha went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” 24 When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and told them off in the strongest possible terms.
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    And the Lord said to Jonah, do you do right to be angry? And Jonah said, Yes I do right to be angry, but only a little bit. Kind of peeved, mostly.
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    edited May 16
    "His head?! Look, the dancing was great and everything, but what do you think I'm running here, Murder Incorporated? How about I just give you his big toe on a platter and we call it even."
  • stetsonstetson Shipmate
    "My God, My God, why have you stopped paying attention to my personal well-being?"
  • MiffyMiffy Shipmate
    There shall be passive aggressive posting on the neighbourhood Whatsaap group, outbursts of “DISGUSTING!” in BLOCK CAPITALS on FB and on accidentally meeting in the local store, sycophantic smiles where their gnashers can be seen from the far end of the aisle.*

    (Matthew 8 and 13)

    * If you’re mask exempt, of course.
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    When Herod saw that he had been tricked by the wise men, he was infuriated, and he sent and distributed burlap swaddling for all the kids not potty-trained in and around Bethlehem who were two years old or under, according to the time that he had learned from the wise men. The babies wailed in discomfort and the parents wailed for getting no sleep.
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