Trying to get my head round some stuff which is hard, for me. Stuff that I feel wouldn't be big things to other people so I feel wimpy as well as Black Beastish.
Same.
Never compare. If it is big to you, it is big. And that's that. I know that's easy to write, and hard to think, because I do the same, but any struggle is a struggle. Be kind to yourself.
[/unsought for and possibly unwanted (if so, sorry) advice]
Not at all; thank you for your concern.
I saw my counsellor today for the first time in about three weeks due to holidays, and now feel much more positive.
I think I spoke too soon. Oh well. For the last 2 nights I have got around 2-2.5 hours sleep each night. This is one of my bad signs. But I am positive that I am realising it and aware -- I let it go a month once and the effects were not pleasant. Off to see the doctor this week.
I've just watched the lunar eclipse though, so there are benefits. I'll head outside now before the moon disappears behind a neighbour's roof.
I had to wait until it came up from behind a neighbour's roof - although by the time it did, it wasn't really red - the eclipse happened too early to see it properly here. It was, however, a "braw, bricht, moonlit nicht" with thinnish clouds passing across a lovely, bright full moon.
I think I spoke too soon. Oh well. For the last 2 nights I have got around 2-2.5 hours sleep each night. This is one of my bad signs. But I am positive that I am realising it and aware -- I let it go a month once and the effects were not pleasant. Off to see the doctor this week.
I've just watched the lunar eclipse though, so there are benefits. I'll head outside now before the moon disappears behind a neighbour's roof.
edit: drat! gone. Ha ha.
Oddly, I seem to be getting just a couple of hours' sleep each night (roughly from 4am - 6am).
This may be the effect of the extreme (for us) heat in the UK, and a consequent lack of physical exercise, but, now the weather has freshened up a bit, I'll see what happens.
I'm afraid I missed the eclipse, but I think the gathering clouds would have spoiled it, anyway!
I'm travelling well. I had the last session of EMDR in March, with a final session booked for October. I can ask for an appointment at any time if October seems too far away, but I haven't felt any need to so far. I do like the feeling of having that safety net, though.
I'm still self-sabotaging by getting anxious and procrastinating, but my procrastination has improved in quality. Less mindless internet surfing, and more urgent need to water my herb planter. I haven't had the sort of "frozen" anxiety I used to get.
As per instructions from my psychologist I have been exercising more, so I'm feeling fitter. I've also dropped a stone in weight. This has resulted in me being able to wear clothes which had been too tight, so that's been a boost as well. I have a reasonable expectation that I can drop a further stone; I would still be obese, but not as obese.
The glorious weather has helped of course; here in the north east of Scotland we haven't had the extremes of heat that those further south have had, and we have had some rain (though well below our usual levels) so the countryside has remained green.
NEQ I was in Fort William during the 1990 summer, another drought year in Britain. It rained almost every day.
Your journey reminds me of my own, and I'm tearing up remembering my precious recovery while reading of yours. Congratulations on your wonderful achievement so far.
I expect the entire population (locals and visitors alike) turned out onto the streets on those non-rainy days, in order to admire that object known as Ben Nevis...
...mind you, if they couldn't see the summit of said object, that meant it was going to rain in half-an-hour...
Sleep is continuing to elude me so I went to the chemist to get the dreaded pills the physician prescribed. Why do I put off for a week or more what may help me? I'm popping 5 pills currently; I wonder if I rattle when shaken?
I'm hoping I'm not too late for work tomorrow should I sleep in. Zzzzzzzz.
Tired by about 5pm, so off to bed for a 'lie-down'. Wake at 9pm for 2 x evening pills. Wake again at 1am , sleep (erratically) until 6am, take pills (6 x morning), sleep (erratically) until 9am...
The Black Beast is, I admit, slithering around, but I'd really, really like an 11pm - 7am sleep without interruption.
If only it wasn't for the effing pills - but they're what's keeping me warm and upright i.e. alive.
I can't remember the last time I had one of those, it's literally years. I think for most people Sleep Patterns Change With Age, and of course the Black Beast doesn't help.
I currently sleep particularly badly on the nights before work as I now have a horrible commute due to an office move. Fortunately I'm part time as by Wednesday evenings (the end of my paid working week) I'm like the walking dead.
regular sleep is very very good for everyone, but especially those of us medically assessed as kooky. As I was reminded a week or so ago on this very site, I go a bit flaky if I don't get sleep, which leads to me self-diagnosing mood swings, which leads to little bouts of panic all of which settle down once I manage to get some rest. I repeat this because I saw it very quickly the last time it happened and I want to remember it.
Yes, I got a normal for me on telling a doctor I normally wake several times during the night. I have not regularly slept through nights since at University. I can recall my sleep was disturbed then. That said I normally wake, move around and then back to bed and sleep almost immediately.
Sleep. Why is it night before last, slept a good six hours straight through. Last night - bobbed about on the surface of sleep, going under for maybe 40 minutes, wake, rinse, repeat.
Sinking back into aimless days of unproductive frittering.
I had a counter strategy which was producing results - but then the guys came to refurbish the windows and the roof started to leak. The house is an ongoing guddle. It will all be in order again one day - somewhere the far side of c £8k probably.
Understandably - hopefully, the guddle will soon be over....
I eschewed today's siesta, keeping myself busy and active, and am now about to see to supper. Perhaps that will allow me some uninterrupted sleep later tonight.
Damn slug has slithered its way into my life again. I've hit a difficult situation that has left me a bit bewildered. I already had an arrangement to meet one of the people involved in it on Wednesday, but on Monday that feels like a long way away.
Thanks everyone. I distracted myself with some very physical gardening, combined with yoga and breathing exercises and I feel more connected up and energised now - the slug doesn't have a chance.
It may slither back around 3 am when all is dark and cold, but I have reminded myself I am not a passive recipient and that I do have ways of distracting myself from it, not gardening (at 3 a.m!!??) but good books, poetry and a certain fluffy being all help - as does encouragement here.
All sorted -thank goodness, I am so relieved. I don't trust easily, so the thought that someone I had trusted broke that trust was difficult to handle. They didn't, but given what happened could understand my wondering. The week just got brighter
I can feel the black slug crawling over me. I am utterly petrified and depressed, which makes an interesting combination. Will visit the doctor tomorrow. I really want a week off to try and recover (supposed to present at a conference next week though), but he will know best I trust. And I feel guilty for wanting time off.
I can feel the black slug crawling over me. I am utterly petrified and depressed, which makes an interesting combination. Will visit the doctor tomorrow. I really want a week off to try and recover (supposed to present at a conference next week though), but he will know best I trust. And I feel guilty for wanting time off.
Don't feel guilty (yes, I know - easier said than done!) about wanting time off when you clearly need it.
Best wishes & prayers for your GP appointment - I think you've mentioned him before as being a trustworthy man.
(BTW, I'm not taking the pi**, but being petrified and depressed must make you feel like a Flat Stone. Which may well be yet another graphic way of describing the effect of the Black Beasticle).
<votives> for all affected by the BB at this time...
{{{BF}}} I hope things feel better in the morning and that you're able to enjoy your birthday. I'm sorry life feels so hard. I for one hope tomorrow isn't your last birthday. I would miss your presence here.
{{{BF}}} - may the slug shrivel up as the sun's rays dawn on your birthday. We'd miss you too much; we'd implore God to send you back. He probably isn't ready for you and your antics anyway. And you have much more GIN to drink.
Not meaning to sound flippant; trying to let you know how much you mean to me, us, here. Apologies if it does not come across that way.
Bishops Finger, sorry you're having a rough time and wishing you the best for your birthday. You were really missed when you away around your surgery - prayed for regularly on the prayer thread and several people asking how you were when you weren't posting.
I can feel the black slug crawling over me. I am utterly petrified and depressed, which makes an interesting combination. Will visit the doctor tomorrow. I really want a week off to try and recover (supposed to present at a conference next week though), but he will know best I trust. And I feel guilty for wanting time off.
Oh man. I know that petrified feeling. I hope this is like your brilliant recovery from a manic state earlier in the year, when you went bushwalking I think.
BF, my wish for you is that you find something so funny that you can't help but have a massive belly laugh, the sort of laugh that has you curled up in an armchair, utterly unable to stop that mirth, for a little while at least.
Oh man. I know that petrified feeling. I hope this is like your brilliant recovery from a manic state earlier in the year, when you went bushwalking I think.
Sorry you know it; it is a bugger.
Good memory you have. Speaking to my doctor was a soothing balm...honestly. I still feel low, but nowhere near as much. Having someone lay out what he saw me exhibiting and giving advice was helpful. I am lucky I have him.
Comments
Much love to all who are finding things difficult.
My own Black Beastie is beginning to stir, as I realise how many things I now Cannot Do. Letting go of things is never easy....
IJ
Not at all; thank you for your concern.
I saw my counsellor today for the first time in about three weeks due to holidays, and now feel much more positive.
If so, could you treat them as something positive to be aimed at, if necessary in a measured and gradual way?
I appreciate that it's easy for me to say that, when I don't have your muscles, IYSWIM.
Hurrah Nenya!
I think I spoke too soon. Oh well. For the last 2 nights I have got around 2-2.5 hours sleep each night. This is one of my bad signs. But I am positive that I am realising it and aware -- I let it go a month once and the effects were not pleasant. Off to see the doctor this week.
I've just watched the lunar eclipse though, so there are benefits. I'll head outside now before the moon disappears behind a neighbour's roof.
edit: drat! gone. Ha ha.
Oddly, I seem to be getting just a couple of hours' sleep each night (roughly from 4am - 6am).
This may be the effect of the extreme (for us) heat in the UK, and a consequent lack of physical exercise, but, now the weather has freshened up a bit, I'll see what happens.
I'm afraid I missed the eclipse, but I think the gathering clouds would have spoiled it, anyway!
IJ
Just spotted this, Piglet - good question.
Yes, once my leg muscles get their act together, I may well be able to mobilise more easily - something I am indeed aiming for.
As to what I may or may not be Able To Do in the future, well, I shall have to wait and see.
IJ
I'm travelling well. I had the last session of EMDR in March, with a final session booked for October. I can ask for an appointment at any time if October seems too far away, but I haven't felt any need to so far. I do like the feeling of having that safety net, though.
I'm still self-sabotaging by getting anxious and procrastinating, but my procrastination has improved in quality. Less mindless internet surfing, and more urgent need to water my herb planter. I haven't had the sort of "frozen" anxiety I used to get.
As per instructions from my psychologist I have been exercising more, so I'm feeling fitter. I've also dropped a stone in weight. This has resulted in me being able to wear clothes which had been too tight, so that's been a boost as well. I have a reasonable expectation that I can drop a further stone; I would still be obese, but not as obese.
The glorious weather has helped of course; here in the north east of Scotland we haven't had the extremes of heat that those further south have had, and we have had some rain (though well below our usual levels) so the countryside has remained green.
Your journey reminds me of my own, and I'm tearing up remembering my precious recovery while reading of yours. Congratulations on your wonderful achievement so far.
[/sarcasm]
...mind you, if they couldn't see the summit of said object, that meant it was going to rain in half-an-hour...
IJ
I'm hoping I'm not too late for work tomorrow should I sleep in. Zzzzzzzz.
Tired by about 5pm, so off to bed for a 'lie-down'. Wake at 9pm for 2 x evening pills. Wake again at 1am
The Black Beast is, I admit, slithering around, but I'd really, really like an 11pm - 7am sleep without interruption.
If only it wasn't for the effing pills - but they're what's keeping me warm and upright i.e. alive.
Well, when I'm awake, that is. Off to bed now....
IJ
I can't remember the last time I had one of those, it's literally years. I think for most people Sleep Patterns Change With Age, and of course the Black Beast doesn't help.
I currently sleep particularly badly on the nights before work as I now have a horrible commute due to an office move. Fortunately I'm part time as by Wednesday evenings (the end of my paid working week) I'm like the walking dead.
Sinking back into aimless days of unproductive frittering.
I had a counter strategy which was producing results - but then the guys came to refurbish the windows and the roof started to leak. The house is an ongoing guddle. It will all be in order again one day - somewhere the far side of c £8k probably.
Meanwhile it is getting me down.
I eschewed today's siesta, keeping myself busy and active, and am now about to see to supper. Perhaps that will allow me some uninterrupted sleep later tonight.
Black Beasts, Be Ye All GONE!
IJ
Warm wishes that the dreaded beast keeps at bay until Wednesday. 2 days can seem like an eternity, but you are almost there. Best wishes.
IJ
It may slither back around 3 am when all is dark and cold, but I have reminded myself I am not a passive recipient and that I do have ways of distracting myself from it, not gardening (at 3 a.m!!??) but good books, poetry and a certain fluffy being all help - as does encouragement here.
Keep hold of those Ways Of Distraction, as appropriate to the time of day (or night).
IJ
Don't feel guilty (yes, I know - easier said than done!) about wanting time off when you clearly need it.
Best wishes & prayers for your GP appointment - I think you've mentioned him before as being a trustworthy man.
(BTW, I'm not taking the pi**, but being petrified and depressed must make you feel like a Flat Stone. Which may well be yet another graphic way of describing the effect of the Black Beasticle).
<votives> for all affected by the BB at this time...
IJ
BF's right - don't beat yourself up. If you're unwell, you need time off w*rk. Hope the Beast slithers off.
Dear God/gods, I just feel so tired all the time, and my poor legs hurt so much that just walking (ha!) to the car is a penance....
It's my birthday tomorrow, but I hope it's the last.
IJ
{{{BF}}} I hope things feel better in the morning and that you're able to enjoy your birthday. I'm sorry life feels so hard. I for one hope tomorrow isn't your last birthday. I would miss your presence here.
It might have been the WHISKY talking, but, O God/gods, I just feel so tired...
IJ
Wishing you many happy returns and sending virtual hugs, CAKE and GIN.
I have quite a childish attitude towards birthdays, so being depressed on them somehow seems to make it worse.
Selfish of me, but I enjoy your posts - so stick around.
Huia - in bossy mode.
Not meaning to sound flippant; trying to let you know how much you mean to me, us, here. Apologies if it does not come across that way.
Beastie begone! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Oh man. I know that petrified feeling. I hope this is like your brilliant recovery from a manic state earlier in the year, when you went bushwalking I think.
BF, my wish for you is that you find something so funny that you can't help but have a massive belly laugh, the sort of laugh that has you curled up in an armchair, utterly unable to stop that mirth, for a little while at least.
[votive]
Good memory you have. Speaking to my doctor was a soothing balm...honestly. I still feel low, but nowhere near as much. Having someone lay out what he saw me exhibiting and giving advice was helpful. I am lucky I have him.
Thanks, peeps, for kind words, prayers etc. Very much appreciated (I came over all leaky-eyed).
I'm taking it very easy today (which is, weather-wise, quite sunny and pleasant), and will shortly heat up some nice meaty/potatoey/veggie SOUP.
<votive> for all with a BB somewhere nearby....
IJ