Strange messages from church

Just received this in an email circulated to our congregation

'xxxxxxx has reported that seagulls are attacking people walking along the front of the church. This probably means they are nesting on the roof. So please be watchful.'

What's the weirdest message you've received from church?

Comments

  • Almost the same message a few years ago, but it was red-tailed hawks.
  • What you really want is a message such as, "We regret that the baptisms planned for today have had to be postponed, due to flooding".
  • SandemaniacSandemaniac Shipmate
    As bellringers we don't get messages, we find out by osmosis. If we are lucky.
  • TwangistTwangist Shipmate
    The prophetic meeting has been cancelled due to unforseen circumstances
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Our best one was a note to seminarians newly assigned to our ethnic church: “The goldfish swimming upside down in our tank is not dead, and the cat in the living room window smushed between the glass and the outer storm window is not stuck. We just have weird pets.”
  • AravisAravis Shipmate
    “A plea for volunteers to come and set up for our Christmas Fayre on Saturday. If you can possibly help, we are gathering from 6pm on Friday to move the chairs, set up the various stalls and Satan’s Grotto.”
  • CaissaCaissa Shipmate
    Poor Santa?
  • Some years ago a local church sign announced (we still have the photo):

    Sunday Worship 10:30
    God provides
    Coffee Party June 13 9:30

    It was not immediately obvious to everyone that it referred to two different events, one being a sermon.
  • Robertus LRobertus L Shipmate
    From this week's Private Eye, seen in a Methodist news letter:

    We would like to say a very big thank you to XXX XXX who made us beautiful cross of flowers for our Easter service and was afterwards mounted on the chapel door for everyone one to see and enjoy
  • I read that too!
  • Not so much strange as offensive, but when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour (after suffering several epileptic seizures) and had to give up church duties, Father Fu**wit remarked *O well - I suppose I'll have to cut the grass from now on...*. This pastorally-sensitive gem was duly passed on to me by the dear, but very outraged, lady who heard it.

    I learned later, too, that another member of the congregation, on hearing of my diagnosis, said *We shan't be seeing him again, then*.

    It's a salutary experience, finding out what you believed to be good Christian people really think of you.

  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Not so much strange as offensive, but when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour (after suffering several epileptic seizures) and had to give up church duties, Father Fu**wit remarked *O well - I suppose I'll have to cut the grass from now on...*. This pastorally-sensitive gem was duly passed on to me by the dear, but very outraged, lady who heard it.

    I learned later, too, that another member of the congregation, on hearing of my diagnosis, said *We shan't be seeing him again, then*.

    It's a salutary experience, finding out what you believed to be good Christian people really think of you.

    First I heard of your tumor, @Bishops Finger. Hope everything is doing well, Prayers.
  • Bishops FingerBishops Finger Shipmate
    edited June 26
    Thanks @Gramps49 - it was removed in May 2016, but did some serious damage, which has disabled me (physically) to a certain extent. Life goes on, albeit in a limited way!

    I know this probably isn't what the OPer had in mind, but the message I received from church is that no-one is indispensable.
  • Not so much strange as offensive, but when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour (after suffering several epileptic seizures) and had to give up church duties, Father Fu**wit remarked *O well - I suppose I'll have to cut the grass from now on...*. This pastorally-sensitive gem was duly passed on to me by the dear, but very outraged, lady who heard it.

    I learned later, too, that another member of the congregation, on hearing of my diagnosis, said *We shan't be seeing him again, then*.

    It's a salutary experience, finding out what you believed to be good Christian people really think of you.

    Yeah, sometimes people really suck. I'm sorry!
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    @Bishops Finger FF really earned his name, such amazing
    pastoral care,
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Not so much strange as offensive, but when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour (after suffering several epileptic seizures) and had to give up church duties, Father Fu**wit remarked *O well - I suppose I'll have to cut the grass from now on...*. This pastorally-sensitive gem was duly passed on to me by the dear, but very outraged, lady who heard it.

    I learned later, too, that another member of the congregation, on hearing of my diagnosis, said *We shan't be seeing him again, then*.

    It's a salutary experience, finding out what you believed to be good Christian people really think of you.
    That's pretty bad. I think I'd class that as an example of a pastoral free zone.


  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    'We give thanks for the life of Miss XXX. As you know,latterly she had mobility problems, but still, legs apart, she was wonderful'.
  • SparrowSparrow Shipmate
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    'We give thanks for the life of Miss XXX. As you know,latterly she had mobility problems, but still, legs apart, she was wonderful'.

    Thanks RR that is the best thing I've read all week. Literally tears of laughter!
  • SandemaniacSandemaniac Shipmate
    Sparrow wrote: »

    Thanks RR that is the best thing I've read all week. Literally tears of laughter!

    I'm so glad it's not just me with a mind permanently in the gutter!
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    One of the memes making the rounds on facebook is.

    Come to the church potluck.
    After the festivities stay so your willies can be cleaned.

    A follow up comment.

    To clarify, we mean your wellingtons can be cleaned.
    We apologize for any offence the previous noticed may have caused.

    To which inquiring minds want to know, how do boots fit into a church potluck?
  • You have to pull up the vegetables from the church farm first?
  • ChastMastrChastMastr Shipmate
    Not so much strange as offensive, but when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour (after suffering several epileptic seizures) and had to give up church duties, Father Fu**wit remarked *O well - I suppose I'll have to cut the grass from now on...*. This pastorally-sensitive gem was duly passed on to me by the dear, but very outraged, lady who heard it.

    I learned later, too, that another member of the congregation, on hearing of my diagnosis, said *We shan't be seeing him again, then*.

    It's a salutary experience, finding out what you believed to be good Christian people really think of you.

    ((((Bishops Finger)))))

    Massive hugs!!
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    ChastMastr wrote: »

    ((((Bishops Finger)))))

    Massive hugs!!

    I am reminded again of a comment by a vicar friend of mine, that while the Church is the Body of Christ, it's not at all clear why He needs so many arseholes.
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    KarlLB wrote: »

    I am reminded again of a comment by a vicar friend of mine, that while the Church is the Body of Christ, it's not at all clear why He needs so many arseholes.

    Priceless!
  • NenyaNenya All Saints Host, Ecclesiantics & MW Host
    KarlLB wrote: »

    I am reminded again of a comment by a vicar friend of mine, that while the Church is the Body of Christ, it's not at all clear why He needs so many arseholes.

    Love that! :lol:
  • KarlLB wrote: »

    I am reminded again of a comment by a vicar friend of mine, that while the Church is the Body of Christ, it's not at all clear why He needs so many arseholes.

    Interesting that that comment often seems to come from clergy. I have heard it from two ministers.
  • Lamb ChoppedLamb Chopped Shipmate
    Yeah, well, when you experience such people often enough (and you definitely do in ministry!) the phrase sticks in the mind. I've heard it many times too. Also once, I think, in connection with people who stick their heads in the sand to avoid necessary realizations--which position of course means that the arsehole assumes a place of prominence!
  • ChastMastr wrote: »

    ((((Bishops Finger)))))

    Massive hugs!!

    Thank you! On a more Heavenly note, I also received the positive message that some people do care, and a very mixed trio formed themselves into a sort of support group for the time I was in hospital, and for some months afterwards.
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