The end of funerals as we know them? Direct cremations
Merry Vole
Shipmate
in Epiphanies
Those of you who follow the Prayers of the Faithful thread will know that my sister died last week.
Her death was expected and so I had already been thinking of her funeral and hoping to contribute -maybe a eulogy, a reading etc. And some of my family when I messaged them that she had died said 'Please let us know about the funeral arrangements'
But I had to tell them that there isn't actually going to be a funeral as such...
Her husband, not liking funerals, and particularly cremations (which I understand had been her preference), arranged for a 'direct cremation', also known as an unattended cremation.
Her body was collected within a few hours of her passing and taken in a black van marked 'private ambulance' to a depot in Andover to await the necessary paperwork from a doctor, and then in due course her ashes can be returned.
Her husband and children may arrange a 'scattering of ashes' ceremony some time in the future, but nothing definite. And even that may be private with no family invited.
And of course I completely respect their decision about this and won't be querying it in any way.
But I do feel something that could be good for them and the wider family won't be happening.
And I'm interested to hear what Shipmates think.
Her death was expected and so I had already been thinking of her funeral and hoping to contribute -maybe a eulogy, a reading etc. And some of my family when I messaged them that she had died said 'Please let us know about the funeral arrangements'
But I had to tell them that there isn't actually going to be a funeral as such...
Her husband, not liking funerals, and particularly cremations (which I understand had been her preference), arranged for a 'direct cremation', also known as an unattended cremation.
Her body was collected within a few hours of her passing and taken in a black van marked 'private ambulance' to a depot in Andover to await the necessary paperwork from a doctor, and then in due course her ashes can be returned.
Her husband and children may arrange a 'scattering of ashes' ceremony some time in the future, but nothing definite. And even that may be private with no family invited.
And of course I completely respect their decision about this and won't be querying it in any way.
But I do feel something that could be good for them and the wider family won't be happening.
And I'm interested to hear what Shipmates think.
Comments
In our own congregation we have offered various people in similar circumstances the chance to have a memorial service of their own, if you know what I mean--not trying to start a family fight, but rather giving them the solace they need quietly, after the fact. We started doing this because we have families split between Vietnam and America, and so when deaths occur, it's common for half the family to miss the ceremonies. But with this new trend--it is new, isn't it?--I can see an expanded role for this kind of pastoral care.
Obviously, it all depends on family circumstances, but, in the case you mention, the scattering of ashes may be all that is needed.
My sister in law, who died suddenly of a heart attack 2 years ago aged 50, had a direct cremation. She had a celebration of life in a hired hall a few weeks later, which was lovely.
I think there were multiple factors involved in the decision, a key one being that they were not Christian so did not want a Christian style service, even in a Crem chapel (my background is working class and my parents were non-conformist but non-practising so my family gets cremated with the service in the Crem usually). But I think there was also a feeling that she was young and full of life and they did not want a dreary service with hymns they did not know, as that would not reflect the bubbly person she was. I think direct cremations are becoming more common, presumably due to the secularisation of society so that a ‘service’ is not a normal part of life. Many people do decide to have a later celebration of life though.
I lecture in death, dying and bereavement. Death can be something of a taboo in society and that might be reflected in an increase in direct cremations but equally it might be the right thing psychologically and culturally for some people. I don’t think my brother has regretted the decision to choose a direct cremation for his wife.
((Hugs)) to you.
That there is no service at the crematorium, though, doesn’t mean no service at all. Typically there is one, whether at a church or other location or just when ashes are scattered or buried, but every now and then I encounter families that just don’t have one at all for whatever reason.
We’ve done the same thing. We’ve also used occasions like Longest Night/Blue Christmas services to provide space for fresh grief and the kind of ritual acknowledgement that a funeral might otherwise provide.
Thanks @Heavenlyannie - that all sounds very much in line with today's secular thinking, and is none the worse for that IMHO.
I might go for a direct cremation myself, leaving it to my Family to decide as to what they want (or don't want) to do afterwards...
We had this ( direct cremation) happen with someone in my family. It was the person's wish.
It was new to me and I felt a bit surprised by it - there weren't even ashes brought back to scatter - the undertakers did that alone. No ceremony at all.
It happened that I was going to a very beautiful choral evensong not long after they died and that gave me a space to reflect and pray, for which I was grateful.
(And this perhaps ties in with what Nick Tamen is saying about churches providing space)
I'm not sure whether most of you even have visitation--it's a largely Midwestern (and possibly Southern?) custom that takes place before the funeral itself, goes on for two hours to three consecutive afternoons (in one case I've seen!) and mostly happens in connection with open-casket services. Theoretically it allows friends and relatives to "say goodbye" to the person's body and to comfort the family. It can be done with closed casket or even ashes, but that's less common. The big advantage of visitation is that it allows people who can't make the funeral service to show up and pay their respects after work etc. It also prevents the family home from being inundated by visitors if you have visitation hours at church or a funeral home. It's fairly common for church funerals in St. Louis to begin with a couple hours of visitation (with a line of people waiting to speak with the bereaved before either leaving or taking a seat for the service) and then the casket is closed and the funeral itself begins.
English friends seemed surprised by that - but maybe there are also different customs in England depending on where you are and who you speak to.
Been at one funeral where the deceased was in an open coffin at home up until the funeral. Freaked me out totally if I'm honest. I honestly dreamt about the dead walking all night.
Similarly, the family will often “receive” before or after the service.
And in many places it’s still common for friends of the family to descend on the family home with food and to clean and just be there. This is partially so the family doesn’t have to think about food, but also to have food to feed extended family and visitors who will drop by.
People in England do, however, often visit the funeral home to view the deceased though it is not usually in groups as far as I aware. I visited my father in a funeral home but not my mother; I felt it was unnecessary as I was holding her hand when she died.
For Christians, I attend more and more services in church where there is no coffin, a cremation or burial having taken place privately beforehand.
In my late husband’s case, I was very surprised that he left no instructions. All I knew was that he wanted to be buried, but not in the cemetery where all his family had been buried. So I did what felt right for a man who was a very private person but had a public role: a private green burial for close family, then a month later a service of thanksgiving in church, attended by people from all over the country and live-streamed.
I planned both occasions myself, with some help, and it was absolutely the right way for him - and for me.
When my paternal grandmother died we were all there with her, so I think probably for that reason we didn’t see her laid out before the funeral - and she had her service at the crematorium.
For all of them we had a wake afterward - post-funeral meal.
When my step-grandmother died, at her own request she had a Catholic requiem mass and a piper. But then there was also a service at the crematorium.
At an ecumenical conference a few years ago I was shocked to hear from clergy from RC, Anglican and Orthodox churches of instances where families were not consulted or involved following the deaths of their loved ones.
A funeral plan is crucial.
In the Orthodox case, of course, we go in for burials rather than cremation and, sorry @KarlLB we go in for open casket. That doesn't faze me particularly as I've seen my wife, my parents and my gran in their coffins as well as a Romanian parishioner.
That doesn't mean I'd expect everyone else to follow suit.
As the executor of my mother's will I over-ruled her wishes that her body be cremated and arranged a natural burial instead. Not only did this fit with my Orthodox principles but I also felt it was more I'm keeping with her ecological views. The site is also in view of the school where she taught and the mountain ridge that forms one side of our South Wales valley and which means so much to us all.
I have no qualms about over-ruling my mother's wish and all my relatives and all her friends felt it was fitting and appropriate for her to be laid to rest that way.
As long as people can arrange these things as they think best and have 'agency' in doing so, that's the main thing.
But different family members sometimes want different things. I went to the Roman Catholic funeral of a friend where you'd have thought from the service that he prayed the rosary every day, when in fact he was a non-believer. Some family members thought it was incredibly inappropriate and painful. Add to that the fact that he died by suicide and that that went unmentioned, as no one wanted to tell his elderly mother the truth, and the whole thing was for some pretty torturous.
Oh yes, indeed.
I heard about a funeral the other day which involved lengthy eulogies and a 'celebration' of the departed's life. Part of this involved a slide-show with photos of key moments from his past, graduation, holidays, children ...
He'd been married twice yet there was no mention of his first marriage.
Equally, I attended the memorial service of a friend who was relatively well known in Christian music and broadcasting circles, a small pond here. He'd effectively lost his faith before he died and neither of his wives - he was married twice - were at the service or even acknowledged at it.
Yes, he deserved to be commemorated and celebrated to an extent but not by air-brushing things out.
So yes, these things can be minefields.
@mousethief I can see that as an 'ideal' and agree that there is a wider community aspect to funerals but the ideal isn't always achievable.
You can't 'make' someone who doesn't want a funeral have a funeral.
I'm Welsh. We love funerals.
I felt somewhat thwarted when my late wife's cello tutor who also taught my daughter the violin didn't have a funeral. He was a real character and well respected. He was an Adventist and didn't believe in 'fuss.' So no funeral.
I did put a condolence card through his door for his wife and sent a message of appreciation for all he'd done for my wife and daughter. That's allI could do umder the circumstances. But it was something.
Yes.
I would have hated to miss my dear friend's funeral. Saying goodbye was important, but also getting back together with others we hadn't seen for years. Reminiscing about the departed and times gone by. Giving the family our love and support.
Funerals are a special meeting point. I want that for my family and friends when I die whether it's at a crematorium or a church.
I'm insisting on being cremated. I don't want some archaeologist poring over my bones in 4000 years!
This makes sense within our particular paradigm but I wouldn't insist on it for other people, even if I were in a position to do so.
I did over-rule my mother's wishes though and was glad I did so. Others felt the same even though they don't share my particular perspective.
It's not that I don’t believe people don't share in the 'general resurrection' if they are cremated rather than buried any more than if they are blown to pieces in battle or in accidents or eaten by fish at sea.
But burial is a 'thing' with us and ties in with our theology of the body - as indeed other people's practices tie in with theirs.
This has re-enforced a couple of my views.
Firstly , no matter what the wishes of the deceased are .... funerals etc are primarily for the bereaved. A chance to honour and recognise the place the deceased had in mourners' lives, and to share grief. Funerals are an important part of the grieving process.
Secondly, it so much easier for those who belong to a religious community. Most traditions have some sort of a structured service for funerals, so the bereaved aren't trying to invent the wheel when they can hardly think straight.
We have got to be rubbish at dealing with death. Direct cremations, which are basically disposing of the corpse without acknowledging the person they once were, is a symptom of our inability to handle it.
Oh ..... and some of the most uplifting liturgies I have been involved with have been Christian funerals where a building full of people blow the roof singing as they celebrate the entry of a friend into heaven.
I'm Madagascar it's the custom not to weep until the body is buried. People dance to funerals there.
I’m going to push back on this just a bit by qualifying it. Direct cremations are basically disposing of the corpse without acknowledging the person they once were if there is not also some kind of service or gathering, which need not be tied to the cremation. It has been pointed out that direct cremation is the norm (if a body is cremated rather than buried) in much if not most of the US, but there is also typically a service or gathering of some sort. Often, the ashes are present at that service or gathering. Indeed, it’s common for churches that would use a pall with a casket to also have a small pall to cover a container for urns. So direct cremation doesn’t automatically disposal of a body without acknowledgement.
I have written detailed instructions for what I want when the time comes. (My wife would undoubtedly say “detailed” is a massive understatement.
While the instructions are detailed, and even include some things I do not want to happen (like eulogies or remembrances*), they also include acknowledgment that I won’t be there, and I understand if my family needs for whatever reason not to follow them to the letter. So there are detailed instructions, but there are also just a handful of “bare minimum” things, mainly hymns.
In my mind, this is the way to go. Make sure family knows what you would want and what is important to you, but give them permission to do what they need to do.
*The instructions state that rather than eulogies or remembrances as part of a service, such things should be in the form of stories told over food and drink afterward.
Some of the more 'out there' funerary rituals in parts of Madagascar are outlawed for health reasons. I won't outline them here.
I could be all pious and Pharisaical and denounce others on the grounds that they are Animist or syncretic with a mix of Animist and Christian ritual and symbolism, but the bottom-line for me was noticing how all communities over there seem to treat their dead with the utmost respect.
The longer someone has lived the louder the music and the more joyful the celebration as people accompany the coffin to the cemetery. Ok, I was a tourist, but seeing these things in context they made sense.
Aside: My grandmother used to say no experience is all bad if you get a good story out of it. She also said “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.”
This past weekend I saw a tee shirt that said “Bad Choices Make Good Stories.” I told a good friend, who often quotes my grandmother’s advice, that may be my new motto.
I have played at memorials in both the URC and Methodists where there was no body present as the service followed the cremation.
That last part reminds me of what I've heard about jazz funerals in New Orleans, a great honour for anyone given one.
I will say that I dislike the environmental impact of cremation and personally would prefer some kind of eco-burial. I know leaving your body to science is an option although it involves a lot of planning and is also very dependant on living near a medical school which accepts bodies. I don't think there are any forensic facilities that accept bodies in the UK, unlike in the US - I would quite like to donate my body to forensic science specifically!
I am curious about the objection to archaeologists poring over your bones. What would be the problem with that?
For my dad we had a graveside funeral service, family only - in his home town, not where my parents lived - as soon after he died as we could get it organized, shortly before Christmas, followed by a get together at the home of a family member who lives in that area. We had a memorial service at their church in mid January. The church ladies put on a great reception in the fellowship hall, as my mom herself was a church lady extraordinaire. By the time my mom died she had moved to yet another city and then had been in memory care for two years, so was no longer part of a church community; we just had the graveside funeral service with family plus get together at the same family member's home.
Friends and family would have preferred burial as both our parents are buried in the churchyard just the other side of a stream from the house that had been her home for nearly 50 years. The solution was to sprinkle her ashes in the opened-up parental grave, and people gathered in the adjoining church to remember her in an informal way, which is what she would have preferred. No clergy or eulogies involved.