An Islander comes to Glasgow and goes to buy a ticket for the underground. New to this, he watches the woman in front to see how it's done.
"Maryhill* Single."
He steps up. "Hamish Mckay. Merrit**"
For oversees listeners
*place in Glasgow
**=married
Reminds me of the tourist who went to a station in London and asked how to get to the Isle of Dogs. He didn't believe the perfectly accurate answer he was given. Which was to take a Barking train...
Just like the birds who nested on the branches of a tree.
Which ones owned their nests?
The ones who nested on the lower branches as the others’ nests were all on higher perches.
The Devil is redecorating and has visited many Hades-oriented showrooms in search of the perfect abyss of despair.
After many fruitless visits he makes his final visit to "Ditches 'R' Us"
"And just why should I invest my hard-earned mammon in this so-called 'Super Slough Of Despond'?" he asks the salesman. "I've seen dozens of deep firey ravines today and why should your offering be any more suitable?"
"Ah well you see sir," says the salesman, "our chasm is the lowest form of pit"
I've generally heard that a pun is the lowest form of wit. If you substitute sarcasm for that, you may achieve the groan.
I've always heard it as 'sarcasm is the lowest form of wit' (which fits the joke), to which the correct response is 'I vary my wit to suit my company'.
I've generally heard that a pun is the lowest form of wit. If you substitute sarcasm for that, you may achieve the groan.
I've always heard it as 'sarcasm is the lowest form of wit'....
Both forms are found in nature. The "puns" form is attributed to Dryden and the "sarcasm" form to Wilde. The version that is most commonly encountered may depend on which side of the pond you reside, but that is bald conjecture on my part.
A man walks into a bar. "We have a special offer today," says the bartender. "If you can leap up from a barstool and grab those pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling, you'll receive free food and drink for a year. But if you don't manage it, you'll have to buy everyone else in the bar drinks for a year."
The man considers for a minute then says: "No, no, I'm afraid the steaks are too high"
There was a family of balloons - Daddy and Mummy balloon and their two children.
One day the youngest balloon decides to be naughty, waiting until the rest of the family is asleep. He gets out of his bed and goes round untying the other balloons, letting all the air out of them. He then does the same to himself.
Next day after the balloons have been blown back up again, Daddy balloon gives his son a serious talking to.
"Son, I'm disappointed in you", he said sadly, "You let me down; you let your mother down; you let your sister down; but most of all - you let yourself down.
There was a family of balloons - Daddy and Mummy balloon and their two children.
One day the youngest balloon decides to be naughty, waiting until the rest of the family is asleep. He gets out of his bed and goes round untying the other balloons, letting all the air out of them. He then does the same to himself.
Next day after the balloons have been blown back up again, Daddy balloon gives his son a serious talking to.
"Son, I'm disappointed in you", he said sadly, "You let me down; you let your mother down; you let your sister down; but most of all - you let yourself down.
There was a family of balloons - Daddy and Mummy balloon and their two children.
One day the youngest balloon decides to be naughty, waiting until the rest of the family is asleep. He gets out of his bed and goes round untying the other balloons, letting all the air out of them. He then does the same to himself.
Next day after the balloons have been blown back up again, Daddy balloon gives his son a serious talking to.
"Son, I'm disappointed in you", he said sadly, "You let me down; you let your mother down; you let your sister down; but most of all - you let yourself down.
[Tangent] As a kid, I often listened to an LP my parents had by Spike Jones and the City Slickers, where they did a version of Mairsey Doats, which just degenerated into a string of random noises, like car horns and duck whistles. It greatly appealed to my 7 year old sense of humour. (If you've never come across Spike Jones, here is a clip of what they were like: Cocktails for Two)[/Tangent]
Fortunately, that doesn't work in my accent! I'm from Michigan. Here in the Great Lakes region, it's common to pronounce the letter "i" differently when it has a voiced consonant or no consonant after it ("ahy") vs. when it has an unvoiced consonant or r after it (əy). So I would say "iced" as "əysd" and "I" as "ahy." (Sorry, I'm using a PC and don't know how to make that schwa the same size as the rest of the text. I miss my old Mac!)
In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Next, a joke where the second half IMO is much better than the first half but less widely known...
An out-of-control balloonist is careering through the air and yells to a pedestrian: "Where Am I?"
Pedestrian: "You're in a balloon!"
Balloonist: "I can see you must be an engineer!"
Pedestrian: "That's right! How can you tell?"
Balloonist: "The information you gave me was technically accurate, but entirely useless!"
END OF PART 1
PART 2:
Pedestrian: "Well, I can see that you must be a manager!"
Balloonist: "That's right! How can you tell?"
Pedestrian: "You're out of control, you don't know where you're going or even where you are right now, and yet somehow it's all supposed to be the engineer's fault!"
Comments
Reminds me of the tourist who went to a station in London and asked how to get to the Isle of Dogs. He didn't believe the perfectly accurate answer he was given. Which was to take a Barking train...
Which ones owned their nests?
The ones who nested on the lower branches as the others’ nests were all on higher perches.
After many fruitless visits he makes his final visit to "Ditches 'R' Us"
"And just why should I invest my hard-earned mammon in this so-called 'Super Slough Of Despond'?" he asks the salesman. "I've seen dozens of deep firey ravines today and why should your offering be any more suitable?"
"Ah well you see sir," says the salesman, "our chasm is the lowest form of pit"
BA-BOOM
I've generally heard that a pun is the lowest form of wit. If you substitute sarcasm for that, you may achieve the groan.
I've always heard it as 'sarcasm is the lowest form of wit' (which fits the joke), to which the correct response is 'I vary my wit to suit my company'.
Both forms are found in nature. The "puns" form is attributed to Dryden and the "sarcasm" form to Wilde. The version that is most commonly encountered may depend on which side of the pond you reside, but that is bald conjecture on my part.
Both chasm and pit have depth.
He had selfie steam issues.
The man considers for a minute then says: "No, no, I'm afraid the steaks are too high"
One day the youngest balloon decides to be naughty, waiting until the rest of the family is asleep. He gets out of his bed and goes round untying the other balloons, letting all the air out of them. He then does the same to himself.
Next day after the balloons have been blown back up again, Daddy balloon gives his son a serious talking to.
"Son, I'm disappointed in you", he said sadly, "You let me down; you let your mother down; you let your sister down; but most of all - you let yourself down.
That so reminds me of the inflatable church...
This is so exactly my kind of joke; thank you.
Mersey Docks and Harbour Board
And little lambs eat ivy.
SARcasm is the lowest form of (w)it. Or, pit. Get it?
Fortunately, that doesn't work in my accent! I'm from Michigan. Here in the Great Lakes region, it's common to pronounce the letter "i" differently when it has a voiced consonant or no consonant after it ("ahy") vs. when it has an unvoiced consonant or r after it (əy). So I would say "iced" as "əysd" and "I" as "ahy." (Sorry, I'm using a PC and don't know how to make that schwa the same size as the rest of the text. I miss my old Mac!)
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Ouch!
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Next, a joke where the second half IMO is much better than the first half but less widely known...
An out-of-control balloonist is careering through the air and yells to a pedestrian: "Where Am I?"
Pedestrian: "You're in a balloon!"
Balloonist: "I can see you must be an engineer!"
Pedestrian: "That's right! How can you tell?"
Balloonist: "The information you gave me was technically accurate, but entirely useless!"
END OF PART 1
PART 2:
Pedestrian: "Well, I can see that you must be a manager!"
Balloonist: "That's right! How can you tell?"
Pedestrian: "You're out of control, you don't know where you're going or even where you are right now, and yet somehow it's all supposed to be the engineer's fault!"
END OF PART 2