That's good to hear @puzzler. Maybe there is a new carer that helped her with the process. I often go for a walk in my local cemetery as its just round the corner. I rather like it, but a friend I took round it the other year, obviously thought it a very odd place for an amble.
We are edging every closer to a crisis with my mother in law. At the moment my husband's brother calls in at least twice a day and younger sister comes over three times a week. MiL can no longer make food for herself and is becoming increasingly incontinent. She used to be happy sitting in her chair reading the newspaper and her large collection of books (she is an ex- English academic). She now seems to have lost the ability to read which makes life very boring for her. My husband would like the family to consider a care home and elder sister wants them to get regular carers in. Brother and younger sister want to carry on caring for her at home even though it is impacting on the brother's marriage and younger sister has her own health problems which means she can't always be there even if she wants to be.
Brother is going on holiday in a couple of weeks and we're going up there to cover the first half of the week. Elder sister is trying to get in carers to give us a hand, but I'm not sure how well it will work out. I don't want the family to fall out over it all, but I can see it coming.
My mom is really having a hard time discerning reality from imagination. This morning she told me her son was on the porch and I asked if she meant Dad. No, it was her son. So I asked her to let me talk to him on the phone. (My brother lives overseas.) As soon as I said that, the penny dropped (I am an idiot) and I realized she was talking about one of the cats. She, very seriously, tried to get the cat to talk to me on the phone. Then she got distressed because he used to talk and he doesn't anymore.
She also still has three little girls living with her. One is 'her girl' and she is very upset that they leave and don't tell Mom. I asked what her girl's name is, and she said she was so upset that she couldn't remember. Today I am wondering if they are Mom, her sister and her cousin, and she's perhaps remembering some things they did as children.
I have another conference with her neurologist this month. In spite of being on medication, Mom seems to be getting much worse.
@jedijudy, this is doubtless coals to Newcastle, but I found it helpful not to challenge the odd things my mum said, but to go with them. Challenging her only got her upset.
My father and our eldest son went to visit my mother at the nursing home yesterday (socially distanced and outside). They found my mother's speech very garbled and hard to understand. The nursing home is doing blood work and believe she had a mini-stroke. They say her health is failing. My son says it appears she has aged 5 years in the 5 months since the pandemic lockdown.
@Robert Armin , you are exactly right. Mom does get very upset (to the point where she yells and hits people) if we challenge what she believes to be true, or even mention that she has Alzheimer's. That's why I distract her, or go along with her story, giving her some solutions to the problems. For instance, when she was worried about the girls going missing without telling her that they were leaving, I suggested that the next time she sees any of them, she is to call me and I'll give them a talking to. That seems to relieve her, at least until she forgets and gets upset again.
Thank you, Caissa. I very much appreciate your encouragement!
Thank you, also, to all who have sent uplifting messages and good thoughts for me and Mom and Dad! They really brighten my days!
Prayers and sympathies for those with an AP who is in an aged care home. Such places, with staff coming and going and necessarily in close contact with frail residents , have been among the clusters of coronavirus cases (and deaths) in most countries.
Personally I am very glad that my own mother died a year or so before the virus sprang up, as she was an awkward patient at the best of times.
It took us a bit of time before we owned up to each other that we felt like that about his mother going in November. With streams of various carers coming in to the house, and the possibility of hospital and then too early discharge, things would have become dire.
The North East offspring and I are going to have a socially distanced coffee in my parents back garden today.
My mother wants to feed us while we are there. We have said NO FOOD!
I'm concerned about the toilet situation - this will be a minimum six hour round trip. There is a Tesco supermarket which has toilets near the front door - I assume the toilets will be available, so I can nip in there before and after seeing my parents?
I thought going into a house to use the loo is Allowed? I wouldn't bet on supermarket ones being available. Also I would think they represent a much higher risk than home ones.
It is allowed, but I don't want to. Dad is such high risk I don't want to take any chances. If I smite my Dad the family repercussions will go on for years / decades.
Obviously, I don't have any symptoms, I haven't been anywhere lately, I haven't been in contact with anyone and I'm fastidious with the whole hand-washing / hand san stuff.
BUT if Dad catches Covid at any point in the next week or two, and I'd been inside their house .... it will still be part of family lore in 2060.
My prayers for you and your whole family. It sounds so drenched in anxiety at the moment I don't even know where to starrt. The only thing I would say is that stepping out of it and looking at things from a realistic perspective sounds essential to me, before having anything more to do with this "family lore". If there is that little forgiveness, something is wrong.
@North East Quine , it seems safer to go into their house to use their loo than going to Tesco, even if it is open. Hope the visit goes well and you can put your mind at rest about your father's mental well-being.
It went very well! We spent just over an hour in their back garden. They both look well. Their garden is immaculate, which suggests that they are both fit enough to maintain it. They have a gardener to mow the lawn, and do any hedge trimming which necessitates a step ladder, but they're doing all the weeding / dead heading / pruning themselves. Their ruby anniversary and golden anniversary roses are both in flower.
A complete contrast to the North East garden, which is...ahem...wildlife -friendly.
We left the house at 11.20 am and my bladder held out until 4pm, when, on the way back, we went to a lovely country cafe which we always enjoy. It was spotless, with hand sanitiser on the way in and a one-way system clearly marked on the floor. The advantage of this as a stopping point was that it is surrounded by woodland, and I had a she-wee / peebol combo with me. Neither were needed!
We got home just after 6, and I have been chilling with glass in hand and cat on lap since.
Tesco loos are open. I have recently been in the 3 big Tesco’s where you are heading (Funerals at the crem) and the loos are fine. People were all behaving sensibly. Be glad they don’t live in Aberdeen!
I texted her to let her know that a distant rellie on Dad's side had died, and she took the opportunity to make a catty remark about another member of the family. And she wonders why no-one will talk to her... She's turned into her mother, no doubt about it, please God, shoot me if I ever show signs of doing so...
To be quite honest, not being able to make the 100-odd mile trip to visit this year has been a weight off my mind, especially after she told me how much the house's atmosphere was being dominated by the incontinent dogs.
Having spent all week on holiday with my inlaws, we cannot deny that they are getting increasingly difficult. My current preoccupation is that mother-in-law is undeniably going deaf but refuses to do anything about it. She's already 90% blind, and if she loses her hearing as well, things are going to get very complicated. We need to set cousin J on her I think. He is slightly younger than her, and got aids a while back for fairly mild hearing loss. Go J! Loudly sing the praises of your wonderful aids! Tell M-i-l how pleased you are with them and how glad you are you went to the audiologist before it got bad!
The trouble with hearing aids is they take quite a bit of getting used to and cousin J will have to spend a lot of time getting your mother in law used to them. I tried playing hearing aid fairy to my MiL but as I didn’t live near her I knew she’d never bother if I wasn’t there to encourage her. It doesn’t help that people often don’t realise they are deaf and that hearing aids are uncomfortable and noisy when you first wear them.
Mine are a right pain in this hot weather specially if I’m wearing glasses and a mask at the same time, but without them I can hear very little so I carry on.
@la vie en rouge you could also labour the point that the brain forgets how to hear if it is not getting the stimulus of sounds.
Hearing aids ought not to be uncomfortable. Nor necessarily noisy - I did trial some that picked up all ambient noise and found them intolerable. The ones I have now are more targeted on speech frequencies.
I can hear without aids - some mornings I forget to put them in until I wonder why everything seems so distant and muffled. Were your MiL to experience the difference from what she's probably come to think of as normal it could be an ear-opener.
My father-in-law died the night after we arrived in the UK for a holiday, seven years ago. He'd been unwell for some time, and I'm quite convinced he waited for David to get the chance to say goodbye. He also wouldn't have wanted us to have the bother (and expense) of making an extra trip home.
Sorry to hear your news @NOprophet_NØprofit . Hope the visit goes well @Caissa. My mother's home had another case of Covid so won't be allowing visitors for another couple of weeks. I'm still very conflicted as to whether actually going and seeing her is a good idea.
How are other people's aging parents coping with being sheltered and now being left to their own devices, providing they don't get themselves killed? I think mine are going mad; I know I am wondering what life is supposed to constitute - for them as well as for me.
Mine went from almost full shielding (having others doing their shopping, hardly leaving the house and then only for a short toddle) to going all over the place - trips out, catching a bus (even I won't do that yet!), booking foreign holidays.... One extreme to the other, almost overnight. I think they've decided that the threat is much less now, so they might as well get on and enjoy themselves for the rest of their lives.
My mother is not expected to last long. They are giving her morphine for the pain. My father and sister are taking turns being with her. Under covid restrictions only one person is allowed in her nursing home room at a time.
Comments
We are edging every closer to a crisis with my mother in law. At the moment my husband's brother calls in at least twice a day and younger sister comes over three times a week. MiL can no longer make food for herself and is becoming increasingly incontinent. She used to be happy sitting in her chair reading the newspaper and her large collection of books (she is an ex- English academic). She now seems to have lost the ability to read which makes life very boring for her. My husband would like the family to consider a care home and elder sister wants them to get regular carers in. Brother and younger sister want to carry on caring for her at home even though it is impacting on the brother's marriage and younger sister has her own health problems which means she can't always be there even if she wants to be.
Brother is going on holiday in a couple of weeks and we're going up there to cover the first half of the week. Elder sister is trying to get in carers to give us a hand, but I'm not sure how well it will work out. I don't want the family to fall out over it all, but I can see it coming.
She also still has three little girls living with her. One is 'her girl' and she is very upset that they leave and don't tell Mom. I asked what her girl's name is, and she said she was so upset that she couldn't remember. Today I am wondering if they are Mom, her sister and her cousin, and she's perhaps remembering some things they did as children.
I have another conference with her neurologist this month. In spite of being on medication, Mom seems to be getting much worse.
However, this was not always easy....
Thank you, also, to all who have sent uplifting messages and good thoughts for me and Mom and Dad! They really brighten my days!
Personally I am very glad that my own mother died a year or so before the virus sprang up, as she was an awkward patient at the best of times.
My mother wants to feed us while we are there. We have said NO FOOD!
I'm concerned about the toilet situation - this will be a minimum six hour round trip. There is a Tesco supermarket which has toilets near the front door - I assume the toilets will be available, so I can nip in there before and after seeing my parents?
Obviously, I don't have any symptoms, I haven't been anywhere lately, I haven't been in contact with anyone and I'm fastidious with the whole hand-washing / hand san stuff.
BUT if Dad catches Covid at any point in the next week or two, and I'd been inside their house .... it will still be part of family lore in 2060.
A complete contrast to the North East garden, which is...ahem...wildlife -friendly.
We left the house at 11.20 am and my bladder held out until 4pm, when, on the way back, we went to a lovely country cafe which we always enjoy. It was spotless, with hand sanitiser on the way in and a one-way system clearly marked on the floor. The advantage of this as a stopping point was that it is surrounded by woodland, and I had a she-wee / peebol combo with me. Neither were needed!
We got home just after 6, and I have been chilling with glass in hand and cat on lap since.
I texted her to let her know that a distant rellie on Dad's side had died, and she took the opportunity to make a catty remark about another member of the family. And she wonders why no-one will talk to her... She's turned into her mother, no doubt about it, please God, shoot me if I ever show signs of doing so...
To be quite honest, not being able to make the 100-odd mile trip to visit this year has been a weight off my mind, especially after she told me how much the house's atmosphere was being dominated by the incontinent dogs.
And she's still only in her 60s...
AG
Mine are a right pain in this hot weather specially if I’m wearing glasses and a mask at the same time, but without them I can hear very little so I carry on.
Hearing aids ought not to be uncomfortable. Nor necessarily noisy - I did trial some that picked up all ambient noise and found them intolerable. The ones I have now are more targeted on speech frequencies.
I can hear without aids - some mornings I forget to put them in until I wonder why everything seems so distant and muffled. Were your MiL to experience the difference from what she's probably come to think of as normal it could be an ear-opener.
Best of luck, Caissa - hope it goes well!
It's possible to decide you need to wait to die for your last child to join a video call from overseas.
Pretty much miraculous.
Blessings on you as a devoted son, in despite of all things
NP, best wishes in your grieving,
Mine went from almost full shielding (having others doing their shopping, hardly leaving the house and then only for a short toddle) to going all over the place - trips out, catching a bus (even I won't do that yet!), booking foreign holidays.... One extreme to the other, almost overnight. I think they've decided that the threat is much less now, so they might as well get on and enjoy themselves for the rest of their lives.