Visit to my mother went as well as such things can when there is a Perspex screen between you and one of you is severely deaf and the other speaks very quietly. Fortunately the activities co-ordinator, G, who does one to one with mum was there to facilitate. When I did the scrapbook it was with G in mind, so good I could give the book straight to her. Most of the visit was filling G in as to who was who in the family. My mum has totally forgotten my brother or my dad She did remember her parents who she wanted to go and see. The most rational part of the conversation was discussing what a good cook her mum was. My grandma was a cook general to a doctor(?)in the 1910s and we used to have a great photo of her in her uniform. We still have the photo of my grandad in his army uniform when they still wore red. He was at the siege of Ladysmith. Hearing mum wanting to go and see them is very sad.
My husband is at his mothers. Even with a car it didn't seem that sensible a thing to do, specially as he's met up with his siblings and a niece while he was there all of whom are in or will be Tier 4. Still he was determined to go, and at least he will be there to ease her in to care visits that start today. Trouble is he'll be expected by said siblings to do it all again in a fortnight unless the tiers ramp up and they block the M1 and close the main line stations.
((( @Sarasa ))) I did a family tree for the Dowager's key worker, but she left soon after, so that was un fat lot de bon, as Piglet would have it.
I heard from a friend that her sister had (finally!) agreed that their mother needed to be in care, and found myself glad to have had a brother who was happy to leave it all to me. It meant I had it all to do, but at least I didn't have any battles to fight with him
When my parents were at that stage, I was happy to go along with whatever my (older, wiser) siblings decided. Apart from anything else, they were so much closer to the action than I was (we were in Canada when both my parents died), so they were better placed than I was to make the decisions.
Absolutely, Piglet - but very often (ISTM) the more distant sibling can have a tendency to view things through rose-coloured glasses - 'oh, she can't be that bad' particularly if they only parachute in on rare occasions for which the AP will pull out all the stops not to be that bad.
See also 'golden child syndrome' (where the absent child is praised to the skies for the slightest attention), and 'martyred carer syndrome' (where the burdened one has to stand there while everyone tells the AP how marvellous they are for their age)!
Sorry - rant over
It did make me laugh, though, many years ago when the Dowager set up her Lasting Power of Attorney naming all three of her children, and the older of my two younger brothers said 'I don't know why you bother, Mum, we'll only do what Mrs S tells us anyway...'
I'm admiring my husband's family for working together and compromising to try and do the best for their mother. It was looking at one time like there was going to be a big rift between the elder two and the younger two. Carers are now coming in three times a day. The company seems good and the carers are local and it'll just be the same two. Husband was there for the first visit. I've trained him well. MiL was cross having said she had never agreed to carers. She'd been there when it was arranged and had said yes at the time but had forgotten all about it. Younger sister was having a row with her mother trying to get her to remember what had happened. Husband just apologised, agreed they should have told her and changed the subject.
I still think MiL needs to be in a care home, but I can't see the younger siblings agreeing to that until the covid crisis is over, and probably not even then.
Still good days and bad days, although what would have been a "bad day" six weeks ago is now a "good day."
He still doesn't have any care or medical needs, but he's spending longer in bed and sleeping more. He's still having a daily walk round the garden, but it's tiring for him. One of their neighbours has offered to put their bins out and take them in for him, but he's taking pride in beating the neighbour to it and putting the bin out himself. "I put the bin out" now counts as the major Tuesday news and cause for celebration.
Considering that we were told that he probably wouldn't see Christmas, it has been wonderful for me to wish him a happy Christmas and to wish him all the best for 2021.
I need to start chipping in to this thread. My mother is getting increasingly muddled. She's a bit of a naughty b*gger and very stubbon and - in my mind clearly has some form of dementia (vascular) - she was in the past somewhat snippy, snidey, rude, and generally unkind and during the last couple of years, she has become rather sweet and nice to be with (for the most part).
But this sweetness does not disguise the fact that she is getting increasingly muddled and confused and I am wondering - how long can this 85 y/o live in her own house on her own.
My siblings and I don't have a history of good relationships but we seem to be communicating better of late, for which I am very thankful for. But I am nervous of raising issues such as "should we get help in" for fear of hostile reactions.
Thoughts to all here - my heart is hurting and I am sure other people have sad hearts with regards to their eldery parents.
How regularly do you and your siblings see your mum? Are any of you geographically close? If you possibly can, I'd say you should try and have a conversation about it - you may find that you're all on the same hymn-sheet after all.
Something like, "I went to see Mum the other day and she didn't seem quite herself - has anyone else noticed anything?" might be the way to start; it may be that the others have thought the same thing but haven't wanted to be the ones to start the conversation.
That sounds pretty much where I was with my mother when she was your mother's age @Helix. Mum was just about managing at home, but all my attempts to persuade her she needed more help got nowhere. By the time she was ninety things were really unravelling and I ended up moving her to a care home near me. I don't know if she's have managed to stay in her own home longer if she'd accepted help. Probably not, given that she was given to going out drinking with random men.
My mother in law's new carer has lost her sense of taste so isn't going to see MiL and is waiting the results of a covid test. Apart from MiL carer met up with three of the four siblings, including my husband. We'll see what the next couple of days bring, but I do wish he hadn't got visiting last week.
I know that mum is following a sort of pattern which is good to know that others have gone before, it feels less lonely but I am surprised at the heaviness of my heart. I feel as if I am losing her and despite the loss of her shitty aspect, I didn't feel a grief around her decline until now.
There is a long and bitter history with my siblings and I am fearful of them, (which pisses me off immensely - and I am not beyond reproach in all these things!) and I can't visit at the moment. However, we have a whatsapp group and it was all raised before I had to raise it - when I have raised things in the past I tend to get shouted down. My brother has visited today (he's not so far away) and he has persuaded her that a meeting is required with her accountant etc etc and she is accepting of this. I wonder if it is a bit of a relief that someone is helping her? I hope so - I hope she feels relief and not loss.
@Helix , I am so sorry that you are navigating this path
FWIW, we had a series of very small incidents which ( had we been thinking straight) we might have viewed in a somewhat different light.
How easy it was to say “ oh that’s just AP!”
And I agree, a more delightful manner is not Always a good thing. In our case it was a Massive red flag
After almost two weeks of horribleness between Mom and Dad, we finally had a day with things seeming to go right!!
After not hearing Mom's voice since Friday, I was able to talk to her this morning on the phone! She wasn't as distressed as she was before, even though she says the place is 'very bad', and seemed even a bit chipper! Her therapist actually called me and gave what I thought was a positive report.
I took Dad to the VA (after running by the store to get him a few groceries) and they were able to fix both hearing aids and are going to send him a back-up set. Yay!!
It's so nice to report good news for once.
D-U, her lovely hubby and I are going to check out some memory care assisted living places Thursday. Our plan is to pick the one we think will work and then place Mom there when she's released from rehab. I talked to Dad about it, and the fact that he would be following her there, so they could be together again. He seemed content with that idea. Until he forgets about it later!
I visited my AP for the first time in a year, and found her hale and hearty (for a 98 year old), and far from gaga, making me suspect my sister's assessments are less accurate than my brother's. I spent about four surprisingly pleasant hours with her.
Does your sister see a lot more of your mother than either you or your brother @Zappa ? There is something called 'hostess mode' where someone can appear very together to someone they don't see often. My brother thought a lot of what I said about my mum was due to me rubbing her up the wrong way as she appeared fine with him the few times he saw her. That was until she went and stayed a few days and had a total meltdown over something very small.
How is the assisted living plan going @jedijudy , and I hope your dad is stilling doing better than the doctors' predicted @North East Quine .
We still don't know if my MiL's carer had covid. We're all fine so far though. My husband is speaking to one of his sister's tonight about whether they should go and visit. I think not, but their mother really does need all the help going. Mine is due the covid vaccine next week, so I hope someone is chasing up when MiL should have one. She was 93 last week.
Dad got a new prescription for steroids yesterday, and they gave him a two month supply!!!
His last prescription for for a two week supply, so I have no idea why they've increased it.
It could be a mistake, of course, but my parents are both delighted.
Today, Daughter-Unit and I visited facilities five and six. Five was hideous, and I left almost in tears thinking about the poor residents there. Six was quite nice looking, but the memory care residents were pretty much non-verbal which would not be good for my mom. Plus, the assisted living folks were pretty much confined to their rooms, which at the Covid stage we're in here, seemed very harsh. All the other facilities encourage socializing for mental health.
Facilities two and four are both good, I think. Two is an older community, but full of activities. I was having fun listening to the memory care residents having fun on Thursday! Some of the rooms there are not well thought out, though. Number four is just over a year old, and has very nice rooms! The chef came out and talked to us about Mom's diet (she's a natural vegetarian from birth) which was the only time we had that experience in our search.
So, I think we have some excellent possibilities. Dad is ready to go. If Mom is somewhere, he's thrilled to be in the same place! They wouldn't share a room because of their different abilities, but, especially in Four, he would be close to memory care, and could see Mom whenever he likes.
Two and four sound good @jedijudy . Before Covid meant no visiting I enjoyed some fun activities in mum’s care home. The other residents were just beginning to feel like an extended family so as well as not being able to see mum I wonder how they’re doing too.
So glad about the prescription @North East Quine . I hope your dad needs a repeat sometime in March.
The one we chose was viewed last, as we had heard horror stories about it.
Couple of (very happy indeed) years in, we discover that the manager had a disagreement a bazillion years back with another quite obviously vindictive manager in the geographical area. And the rest was history.
Trust your own judgement. I am so glad we did. So is AP, who had their Covid jab recently
Our town is only small, but we have a highly-regarded assisted-living village. Recently a local service club donated a Tovertafel for an activity program for residents with dementia and associated conditions. It's only been a few weeks, but all indications are that there has been an immediate positive effect. In my previous involvement in the public library network here in Australia, I had seen installations in libraries, and the transition from youth to elder care piqued my interest.
I'm wondering whether such installations are gaining favour in other parts. It seems the US and Canada are major markets not yet penetrated.
Does your sister see a lot more of your mother than either you or your brother @Zappa ? There is something called 'hostess mode' where someone can appear very together to someone they don't see often. My brother thought a lot of what I said about my mum was due to me rubbing her up the wrong way as she appeared fine with him the few times he saw her. That was until she went and stayed a few days and had a total meltdown over something very small. <snip>
Very much the case, though I did try to counteract the syndrome by nor giving AP the build-up of expectation and preparation she normally has when my brother visits. Still, there had to be some, and she was certainly on her game.
Owing to lockdown I'm not seeing my parents just now, and our daily phone calls were devoid of news, since lockdown means that we are not doing much of interest.
To solve this, I am buying old postcards of Dad's childhood home town off E-bay and sending them to Dad. He then phones me up and reminisces about the scene. Yesterday I posted what I thought was a dull country side scene; Dad has just phoned to say that the house my grandfather was born in is in the background!
Meanwhile, a 1930s guide book to Dad's home town has arrived today, so I'll post it off this afternoon. It includes an advert for the shop my Dad had a Saturday job in, as a message boy!
Finally, today I was able to take Mom from the rehab place. She was admitted there exactly one month ago today. She and Dad are in a respite room in the assisted living facility that we chose. Tomorrow the moving truck is delivering their possessions to their apartment at the facility. Their assessments indicated that they could be together instead of in two separate sections of the facility.
Daughter-Unit has been outstanding in helping me to sort and pack and toss and gather for the church thrift store. After the delivery and set up in their new place is done, we get to look forward to getting rid of everything in their house and then sell the home.
I am so weary. This won't be done for a long time, yet. But, Mom and Dad are together again in a safe place. It's such a relief!
Brilliant news @jedijudy. I hope both your parents settle in well and enjoy all that's on offer. As for house clearing, it took me a couple of weeks to get going on clearing out my mother's flat after she went into care as it felt so wrong. I started with the easy things such as cleaning out the fridge and freezer and the food cupboards. I gradually worked up to the more difficult things, but I have at least three boxes of stuff in my loft that I couldn't junk but don't really need. Mum was never a hoarder, but even so it took me three months to clear her small place.
Great news, @jedijudy. We found clearing out my mother-in-law's house after she went into the care home almost... relaxing, compared to the increasingly stressful visits after her dementia got really bad. But we didn't do all the clearing ourselves; we took out everything we wanted to keep, anything valuable, and all the things she needed in the care home. Then we called in a house clearance service to get rid of the rest.
Disposing of my husband's old air gun was quite exciting, though 🙂
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement!!
After getting up before the chickens this morning, D-U (have I told you how amazing she is?) and I made sure we had everything boxed to take to the new place. The movers were astounded at how organized everything was. That wasn't me. All D-U! The movers were amazing (we got the more expensive ones) and put together the new furniture-in-boxes, and put the pictures and paintings on the walls, and helped in every way possible!
We spent the rest of the day making beds (D-U washed everything before it was packed) putting clothes and personal items and everything you could possibly imagine in their correct places. We are exhausted and sore, but think we put a very cute nest together for the 'rents!!
We walked over to the respite room, and Mom and Dad were so excited to see us!! But...huge disappointment that we went to the apartment instead of their house. After looking around, though, they seemed very pleased! There are family photos (beautifully framed by...you guessed it!...D-U) and paintings that Mom made long ago. Some of the furniture they've had for years is there, too. I'm hoping it all makes them feel like they're really at home.
The hard part for me will be to relinquish some of the things I've done for them for years. Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad not to have to handle their medications anymore! And no laundry and no cleaning messes in the kitchen...and lots of other blessings. But it's hard to change long time routines.
Comments
My husband is at his mothers. Even with a car it didn't seem that sensible a thing to do, specially as he's met up with his siblings and a niece while he was there all of whom are in or will be Tier 4. Still he was determined to go, and at least he will be there to ease her in to care visits that start today. Trouble is he'll be expected by said siblings to do it all again in a fortnight unless the tiers ramp up and they block the M1 and close the main line stations.
I heard from a friend that her sister had (finally!) agreed that their mother needed to be in care, and found myself glad to have had a brother who was happy to leave it all to me. It meant I had it all to do, but at least I didn't have any battles to fight with him
It has stopped many potential problems
See also 'golden child syndrome' (where the absent child is praised to the skies for the slightest attention), and 'martyred carer syndrome' (where the burdened one has to stand there while everyone tells the AP how marvellous they are for their age)!
Sorry - rant over
It did make me laugh, though, many years ago when the Dowager set up her Lasting Power of Attorney naming all three of her children, and the older of my two younger brothers said 'I don't know why you bother, Mum, we'll only do what Mrs S tells us anyway...'
I still think MiL needs to be in a care home, but I can't see the younger siblings agreeing to that until the covid crisis is over, and probably not even then.
He still doesn't have any care or medical needs, but he's spending longer in bed and sleeping more. He's still having a daily walk round the garden, but it's tiring for him. One of their neighbours has offered to put their bins out and take them in for him, but he's taking pride in beating the neighbour to it and putting the bin out himself. "I put the bin out" now counts as the major Tuesday news and cause for celebration.
Considering that we were told that he probably wouldn't see Christmas, it has been wonderful for me to wish him a happy Christmas and to wish him all the best for 2021.
But this sweetness does not disguise the fact that she is getting increasingly muddled and confused and I am wondering - how long can this 85 y/o live in her own house on her own.
My siblings and I don't have a history of good relationships but we seem to be communicating better of late, for which I am very thankful for. But I am nervous of raising issues such as "should we get help in" for fear of hostile reactions.
Thoughts to all here - my heart is hurting and I am sure other people have sad hearts with regards to their eldery parents.
Something like, "I went to see Mum the other day and she didn't seem quite herself - has anyone else noticed anything?" might be the way to start; it may be that the others have thought the same thing but haven't wanted to be the ones to start the conversation.
Good luck, however you approach it.
My mother in law's new carer has lost her sense of taste so isn't going to see MiL and is waiting the results of a covid test. Apart from MiL carer met up with three of the four siblings, including my husband. We'll see what the next couple of days bring, but I do wish he hadn't got visiting last week.
I know that mum is following a sort of pattern which is good to know that others have gone before, it feels less lonely but I am surprised at the heaviness of my heart. I feel as if I am losing her and despite the loss of her shitty aspect, I didn't feel a grief around her decline until now.
There is a long and bitter history with my siblings and I am fearful of them, (which pisses me off immensely - and I am not beyond reproach in all these things!) and I can't visit at the moment. However, we have a whatsapp group and it was all raised before I had to raise it - when I have raised things in the past I tend to get shouted down. My brother has visited today (he's not so far away) and he has persuaded her that a meeting is required with her accountant etc etc and she is accepting of this. I wonder if it is a bit of a relief that someone is helping her? I hope so - I hope she feels relief and not loss.
Wondering how NEQ is doing and others.
FWIW, we had a series of very small incidents which ( had we been thinking straight) we might have viewed in a somewhat different light.
How easy it was to say “ oh that’s just AP!”
And I agree, a more delightful manner is not Always a good thing. In our case it was a Massive red flag
After not hearing Mom's voice since Friday, I was able to talk to her this morning on the phone! She wasn't as distressed as she was before, even though she says the place is 'very bad', and seemed even a bit chipper! Her therapist actually called me and gave what I thought was a positive report.
I took Dad to the VA (after running by the store to get him a few groceries) and they were able to fix both hearing aids and are going to send him a back-up set. Yay!!
It's so nice to report good news for once.
D-U, her lovely hubby and I are going to check out some memory care assisted living places Thursday. Our plan is to pick the one we think will work and then place Mom there when she's released from rehab. I talked to Dad about it, and the fact that he would be following her there, so they could be together again. He seemed content with that idea. Until he forgets about it later!
'Whatever you do for the least of my brethren...'
How is the assisted living plan going @jedijudy , and I hope your dad is stilling doing better than the doctors' predicted @North East Quine .
We still don't know if my MiL's carer had covid. We're all fine so far though. My husband is speaking to one of his sister's tonight about whether they should go and visit. I think not, but their mother really does need all the help going. Mine is due the covid vaccine next week, so I hope someone is chasing up when MiL should have one. She was 93 last week.
His last prescription for for a two week supply, so I have no idea why they've increased it.
It could be a mistake, of course, but my parents are both delighted.
Today, Daughter-Unit and I visited facilities five and six. Five was hideous, and I left almost in tears thinking about the poor residents there. Six was quite nice looking, but the memory care residents were pretty much non-verbal which would not be good for my mom. Plus, the assisted living folks were pretty much confined to their rooms, which at the Covid stage we're in here, seemed very harsh. All the other facilities encourage socializing for mental health.
Facilities two and four are both good, I think. Two is an older community, but full of activities. I was having fun listening to the memory care residents having fun on Thursday! Some of the rooms there are not well thought out, though. Number four is just over a year old, and has very nice rooms! The chef came out and talked to us about Mom's diet (she's a natural vegetarian from birth) which was the only time we had that experience in our search.
So, I think we have some excellent possibilities. Dad is ready to go. If Mom is somewhere, he's thrilled to be in the same place! They wouldn't share a room because of their different abilities, but, especially in Four, he would be close to memory care, and could see Mom whenever he likes.
So glad about the prescription @North East Quine . I hope your dad needs a repeat sometime in March.
The one we chose was viewed last, as we had heard horror stories about it.
Couple of (very happy indeed) years in, we discover that the manager had a disagreement a bazillion years back with another quite obviously vindictive manager in the geographical area. And the rest was history.
Trust your own judgement. I am so glad we did. So is AP, who had their Covid jab recently
I'm wondering whether such installations are gaining favour in other parts. It seems the US and Canada are major markets not yet penetrated.
Very much the case, though I did try to counteract the syndrome by nor giving AP the build-up of expectation and preparation she normally has when my brother visits. Still, there had to be some, and she was certainly on her game.
To solve this, I am buying old postcards of Dad's childhood home town off E-bay and sending them to Dad. He then phones me up and reminisces about the scene. Yesterday I posted what I thought was a dull country side scene; Dad has just phoned to say that the house my grandfather was born in is in the background!
Meanwhile, a 1930s guide book to Dad's home town has arrived today, so I'll post it off this afternoon. It includes an advert for the shop my Dad had a Saturday job in, as a message boy!
Daughter-Unit has been outstanding in helping me to sort and pack and toss and gather for the church thrift store. After the delivery and set up in their new place is done, we get to look forward to getting rid of everything in their house and then sell the home.
I am so weary. This won't be done for a long time, yet. But, Mom and Dad are together again in a safe place. It's such a relief!
Disposing of my husband's old air gun was quite exciting, though 🙂
After getting up before the chickens this morning, D-U (have I told you how amazing she is?) and I made sure we had everything boxed to take to the new place. The movers were astounded at how organized everything was. That wasn't me. All D-U! The movers were amazing (we got the more expensive ones) and put together the new furniture-in-boxes, and put the pictures and paintings on the walls, and helped in every way possible!
We spent the rest of the day making beds (D-U washed everything before it was packed) putting clothes and personal items and everything you could possibly imagine in their correct places. We are exhausted and sore, but think we put a very cute nest together for the 'rents!!
We walked over to the respite room, and Mom and Dad were so excited to see us!! But...huge disappointment that we went to the apartment instead of their house. After looking around, though, they seemed very pleased! There are family photos (beautifully framed by...you guessed it!...D-U) and paintings that Mom made long ago. Some of the furniture they've had for years is there, too. I'm hoping it all makes them feel like they're really at home.
The hard part for me will be to relinquish some of the things I've done for them for years. Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad not to have to handle their medications anymore! And no laundry and no cleaning messes in the kitchen...and lots of other blessings. But it's hard to change long time routines.