How easy do you find it to "Let them"?
Boogie
Heaven Host
in All Saints
I found this link from @Tubbs on another thread fascinating.
https://www.wondermind.com/article/let-them-theory/
I read it a few times and reflected over my 68 years.
Of course, as a child and teenager I wanted to control the whole world. I see this in my six year old granddaughter now. We both have ADHD and find frustration and disappointment hard to bear. My older son and his partner are brilliant at dealing with her and I often see "Let them" in action.
I'm very good at it in simple situations eg driving. I find it perplexing when my younger son gets frustrated, or even angry, with other drivers. It's pointless.
Years ago I remember being interested in transactional analysis.
The more vulnerable I am the more I want to control my immediate surroundings. Like on the occasions I've woken up from major surgery. The tray in front of me and how it is arranged suddenly becomes all important!
I adore gardening - and you need to give up a lot of control and "Let them" grow in their own time while nurturing them.
Lots to ponder.
What are your All Saintly thoughts on this?
https://www.wondermind.com/article/let-them-theory/
I read it a few times and reflected over my 68 years.
Of course, as a child and teenager I wanted to control the whole world. I see this in my six year old granddaughter now. We both have ADHD and find frustration and disappointment hard to bear. My older son and his partner are brilliant at dealing with her and I often see "Let them" in action.
I'm very good at it in simple situations eg driving. I find it perplexing when my younger son gets frustrated, or even angry, with other drivers. It's pointless.
Years ago I remember being interested in transactional analysis.
The more vulnerable I am the more I want to control my immediate surroundings. Like on the occasions I've woken up from major surgery. The tray in front of me and how it is arranged suddenly becomes all important!
I adore gardening - and you need to give up a lot of control and "Let them" grow in their own time while nurturing them.
Lots to ponder.
What are your All Saintly thoughts on this?
Comments
Being the youngest of 8 children was very good training in accepting that you don’t always get what you want, though.
It seems a similar concept to many self help books, but with a new slogan. It is interesting to me from an autistic perspective, because of course it's common with autism to not realise how others are reading you, and to inadvertently offend, or be seen as weird and have people jeer at you, so I think for many of us there is a lot of second guessing because of that. It can be difficult not to, because you want to avoid being bullied/ostracised/etc., so you are on hyper alert because of past experiences. Particularly for women, because of how girls are socialised, being criticised and guilted more for behaving in a way that might offend or be seen as improper. I am curious if the book looks at neurodivergence.
I confess that I find this difficult to get my head around. If I don't want to be a sociopath, then I have to care about how other people will react to what I do. If something annoys or frustrates me, I might want to blow off steam by shouting, swearing, and throwing crockery against the wall, but that's going to particularly upset the person in the next office who has a difficult history with aggression and domestic violence.
Just saying "let them be scared" doesn't seem like a good choice.
If I go home and make dinner for my wife, and I make something I know she doesn't like, I'm a jerk.
How does "making a meal that I know someone in my household won't eat" differ from "doing something that I know will provoke a bad emotional reaction in someone in my household"?
I can’t control how someone else’s behavior, so I should “let go” of trying to control their behavior. On the other hand, I can control my own behavior. That not only means I can control how I react to someone else’s behavior, it also means not doing things I should know are unkind, inconsiderate are in my control. I can’t control another person’s actions, but I can control my own.
It’s something my wife and I have been dealing with a lot the last few days, as we try to help our daughter navigate some housemate conflict. She can’t control how her housemates have reacted and behaved, so she just has to “let them” feel how they feel. What she can control is how she talks to them about the conflict and about how certain things have made her feel. But she can’t control how they receive or respond to that information.
I think you missed the bit in brackets at the end of my post.
My success really depends on the context and the situation. And the time it takes to arrive at the point may vary. If I actually ever get there at all.
But, in the context I mentioned it, it was the realisation some people just want to complain and nothing anyone does or say will fix it. Then it becomes about protecting your own peace.
It took years for this to dawn on me. It's a really important and very basic message. It never seems to dawns on so many people at all.
Let that message flash on and off in your head as soon as you hear something and think, 'that's just what X needs to hear'.
Managing, controlling, and even recognising my own behaviour is difficult enough and my ability to change even that can often be harder than I would like. Anyone else's is beyond my reach, their capability and their responsibility, not mine.
Who's 'Robson' by the way and what did he or she write?
@Boogie I can't get your link to work. It appears to lead to a website that has gone dead and is up for sale.
Similar to the idea that 'You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time' - though perhaps with an additional 'and a few of the people none of the time'!
This was how I had understood what I'd heard about the book - in the context of people pleasing, it's about accepting that some people won't like you, will judge you, laugh at you, think you're wrong, want you to be a certain way, etc., and your life shouldn't be dictated by these people, so 'let them' is a slogan you can say to remind yourself. (Obviously also with the idea that you take responsibility for your actions, and the impact on others, which is I assume where the 'let me' part comes in.)
Also, 'let them' when people you care about (adults, that is - not kids in your care) are making what you think is a foolish decision and you've spoken to them about it, tried to advise them, and they are going ahead with it anyway. There comes a point where you accept it's their life, their decision, and you've given your perspective, but you can't stop them. Unless it's something dangerous where you should get authorities involved - there are bound to be all sorts of exceptions.
Here's a Guardian article that talks about the idea and some of the exceptions the author has given in her podcasts. As with any self-help slogan, it's bound to be an oversimplification of reality.
ETA: her "funeral" is in a couple of weeks - about five weeks between death and funeral, which feels like torture.
I'm visiting my son and family. Their levels of light etc are not mine. So I'm practicing 'let them' a lot. I also 'let me' by using sunglasses, sun umbrella, ear plugs etc.
They don't mind
It's years since I stayed with other people. My sons family (in Heidelberg) have only just moved to a flat big enough to accommodate us. When I go on holiday with my girlfriends I pay extra for a single room.
It's made me realise just how much Mr Boogs and I care for each other and naturally take each others needs into account. We are both sensitive to environmental factors, so we have naturally found ways to live together comfortably, even in our tiny cottage which we moved to three years ago.
((((( @ThunderBunk )))))