As my darling mum's thoughts became increasingly unravelled and disconnected she told us wonderful stories about her exploits with Shackleton during the Trans-Antarctic expedition of 1917 (she would have been three years old!) and her Everest climb in 1952. She knew a great deal about both events - the first had been a major topic of conversation in her family, and she followed Hillary and Tenzing day by day, albeit in the newspaper! I suppose it was a small step from enthusiasm and knowledge to actual participation. And it made us love her even more!
When my mum's memory started unravelling, she'd still be able to recall things like people's names and events from 40-something years ago, but if you asked her what she'd had for lunch a couple of hours ago, she wouldn't have a clue.
It seemed all the more bizarre, as she'd been a very good cook in her day, and food and eating would have interested her.
I remember my mother in law, who like to be taken for a walk and could still name all the flowers in the gardens by their Latin names, but couldn't remember if she had even had lunch. As she was in a good care home, we knew she had. If she worried about it, I would say "Are you hungry?" And when she said she was not we agreed that it was all fine.
Dad is refusing to contemplate the care home but has lost connection with reality again. He thought he had to attend a job interview today and not thinks he is at a conference. I wonder how much this is avoidance of the inevitable.
So sorry @Martin54 @Jengie Jon , Is there anyway you can tell your dad the doctors recommend that he goes to a convalescent home or something and then just carry on saying that he can go home when they say so.
I spent the morning sitting with mum at home so dad could get to church. I'd downloaded a podcast of a radio4 church service that we could listen to together...chose one from a few weeks ago from holy trinity platter Manchester that sounded most like the type of service she is used to. I think she appreciated it. Every Sunday this year so far she had been in hospital so unable to attend or hear any worship. She appeared to be asleep a lot, but sung along to 'O for a thousand tongues to sing' which was lovely.
She now has a chest infection since coming home so on antibiotics.
We already are on this is respite until you can walk properly. We actually want to keep it as respite as long as possible before making it permanent. Financially it works out better that way.
I’m so sorry, Martin, and you’re right. Glad that you were able to be there for her. We never know how much someone is aware of at that stage, but good that she was not alone.
Thank you. The trouble is, typically, she didn't die till I left. And to add to that cliche in steroids, I rang my daughter in Amsterdam. She couldn't pick up. She rang back. She'd been putting the baby to bed. They'd been with my mother last week. She told me that at the time of her death she heard my mother say 'Goodbye Victoria'.
That must have been a comfort to her. Don’t write such things off too quickly. My grandmother and my mother both died in the middle of the night. I woke up and noted the time of wakening. In the morning I knew each had died and asked the time of death. It was when I had woken each time.
That must have been a comfort to her. Don’t write such things off too quickly. My grandmother and my mother both died in the middle of the night. I woke up and noted the time of wakening. In the morning I knew each had died and asked the time of death. It was when I had woken each time.
I don't, believe me Lothlorien. Even though it can't happen! Even though there is a rational explanation I can make up... I was jealous!
My wife’s grandmother died in a 20 minute gap between her daughter leaving and her daughter in law arriving to sit by her bed. We wondered whether at some deep level it was an unconscious choice. It was in keeping with her very private nature.
So sorry to hear about your mum, Martin - may she rest in peace and rise in glory.
When my brother-in-law was nearing the end (evil cancer, and he'd just turned 56), my sister and his sister had been sitting with him; they went to get a cup of coffee, and when they came back they found he'd slipped away, as though he wanted to cause them as little distress as possible (which would have been typical of him).
So sorry, Martin. Some people like to have the whole family gathered round the bed, and others like to have a bit of space, and it is amazing how many people can hold off their dying until they have what they are waiting for. Especially the frail elderly. I see it over and over again. Your mother had had her last time with you and was then, and only then, ready to make her pilgrimage.
She's gone with Freya. My beloved sister said the night before, "The storm will take her.". And - spine tingling (what superstitious wee beasties we are!) - it did.
So sorry, Martin. Some people like to have the whole family gathered round the bed, and others like to have a bit of space, and it is amazing how many people can hold off their dying until they have what they are waiting for. Especially the frail elderly. I see it over and over again. Your mother had had her last time with you and was then, and only then, ready to make her pilgrimage.
Thanks for saying that. My dad was very low in the early evening and everyone was gathered and we thought for sure that every breath was his last. He died quietly in the morning.
@Martin54 , sorry for your loss. @Jengie Jon Hope you manage to keep things on an even keel with your dad, and that he starts to accept that he can't do all the things he used to be able to.
This isn't about my parents (both gone) but my long time neighbors. I've seen them go in and out but haven't dropped by to see them in the last few weeks. Yesterday I met their daughter and her son coming to see them. She asked if I knew of someone who could do some light housework for them. And mentioned that they were starting to show signs of dementia.
Oh, dear.
I'll have to make a point of visiting more often. They are lovely folks.
Thank you all so much. I didn't even have room to be astounded at how utterly bereft I was. Weeping, speechless. Lost. A 64 year old 4 year old. I felt hysterical laughter incipient at one point, which was disturbing. It passed. All things do.
Take time for yourself Martin. Two deaths of loved ones so close to one another is bound to have some repercussions. Rest, good food even if you don’t feel like eating. Hugs to you.
Thanks Lothlorien. It's just the one close to me. Those I love are affected by three dying that they love. And my wife nearly died a month ago. With a brain haemorrhage that has left barely a trace. I'm well aware of the Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale. I have several health issues going on already. Hey ho. If Jenny had gone I'd have bought a motorbike to take myself up to the Forest of Bowland. See which got me first. But we'll go and see David Suchet in Arthur Miller's The Price instead. And Barcelona.
Almost lost my 94 year old mother this last week. The first part of February she fell and broke her leg just below the hip joint, so the doctor went in and replaced the hip socket ball. Then she went to five week rehab. She was doing pretty good so they decided to release her on Wednesday. Wednesday morning, though she was complaining about not being able to breathe. They rushed her to the hospital where they found fluid in her lungs and a bladder infection that was septic. They immediately gave her massive doses of antibiotics and were able to clear the infections in a couple of days.
Friday they released her to the care of my brother. She wanted to go home. My wife just did not think that was a good idea. She thought Mom should go to a nursing home.
We got her home. She had a hard time climbing the ramp over the steps. My wife and I watched over her that night. She had difficulty toileting and getting into bed.
The next day we celebrated her 94th birthday. She sat up all day. She did not seem to tire. We finally made her go to bed at 9 pm. We discovered, though that she had some diarrhea when we changed her clothing. We put her in depends diapers--she hated that.
During the night she got up and toileted on her own, but she did call for assistance getting back to bed.
We had to leave the next day.
Today, though, my brother, who is her guardian, told me she got up on her own this morning, got dressed, came out and started the coffee maker and had cereal all on her own.
When she was in the hospital she told me she had to take a prescreen for suicide. Ten questions like have you ever thought of taking your life? She answered no to to all of them. She asked me why the nurse would not take no for an answer. I had to laugh.
When my Dad died 8 years ago, Mom all but gave up living. The only thing that turned her around was a dachshund that the animal control officer gave her to care for. She now lives for that dog.
Good for her, Gramps49! I have never heard that the Dowager was screened for suicidal thoughts, though I know they do try to keep on top of how much resus/heavy duty treatment the seriously old will accept.
We went en masse to visit today, so she could see The Intrepid Grandson and his mum (I thought if she saw The Former Miss S in person it might help her remember for more than ten minutes together that Miss S is expecting another baby). Mr S came too (so she could see that I haven't in fact buried him under the patio) but he hates visiting the care home and disappeared after ten minutes or so. While we were there, her oldest friend's son and d-i-l called in, and as they were leaving her next-door neighbour arrived! I don't suppose that's a typical day by any means, but even so it was cheering.
She seemed on good form, though her eyesight is failing her now <sigh> and her hearing aid seemed to have disappeared <sigh><sigh>
Things go missing quite often in the North East household, and turn up later in improbable places. Every so often I'll open the fridge to find something like cocoa powder and I have to check the cupboard the cocoa powder should be in, in case there's a half-melted packet of butter in it. Last week a pair of socks emerged from the washing machine which none of us recognised.
My parents house is not like this. Everything is tidy. Things are put away promptly, in the correct place. Until last Saturday, when my father put his shoes on my mother's shoe rack. Mum is worried sick. Is this what the early stages of dementia look like? My parents are genuinely worried, and I recognise that it's out of character for Dad, but if this is dementia, the entire North East household has it.
NEQ: " Last week a pair of socks emerged from the washing machine which none of us recognised."
Nah, not dementia. This is about white holes from another dimension that pop up in washing machines and spew socks. I'm sure that after coming up with a Unified Theory of Life, the Universe and Everything physicists will tackle this.
NEQ: " Last week a pair of socks emerged from the washing machine which none of us recognised."
Nah, not dementia. This is about white holes from another dimension that pop up in washing machines and spew socks. I'm sure that after coming up with a Unified Theory of Life, the Universe and Everything physicists will tackle this.
NEQ: " Last week a pair of socks emerged from the washing machine which none of us recognised."
Nah, not dementia. This is about white holes from another dimension that pop up in washing machines and spew socks. I'm sure that after coming up with a Unified Theory of Life, the Universe and Everything physicists will tackle this.
Well, Hitchhikers (IIRC) included a reference to a Lost Biro Planet so I'm pretty sure you're onto something ...
Every time I do a proper tidy up I end up with fistfuls of biros, so perhaps I live on the Found Biro Planet.
Mum is actually swithering about reporting the "shoes on the wrong shoe rack" to Dad's doctor. There was another "incident" last week in which Dad went blank on someone's name, and Mum is thinking that these two "incidents" ought to be medically investigated. She's wondering if he had a TIA last week which could account for them.
She's told my aunt that Dad had had some worrying symptoms, and my aunt told me that she was sorry to hear about my father. So I checked with Mum, thinking something else had happened but no, it was the shoes on the wrong rack and the forgotten person.
I really don't know what to say to Mum - these things happen to me ALL THE TIME and my brain is just fine, thanks?
Those sort of things happen to me all the time too @North East Quine . I think your mum should only be worried if your father claims it wasn't him but someone who came in and deliberately moved the shoes. Trying to convince my mother that finding her purse in her shopping bag rather than her handbag does not mean the neighbours came in and deliberately moved it was a total failure. It was something she would never do, so it must be someone breaking in to do it. @Gracious Rebel and @Gramps49 hope your mothers are continuing to do well at home. How's your dad taking to respite @Jengie Jon .
The weekend before last I was away and my brother had to sort out a mini-crisis with my mum that left the estate agent (nearest person with a key) and our regular handyman very concerned about her mental capacity. Brother is now agreeing with me that when mum moves it is going to have to be some sort of care home.
Off to see the GP next week. The psychiatrists report says mum has probable vascular dementia. Not something we've told her as she would refuse to believe it. I doubt she'll believe the GP either, but at least I can then play the good guy.
My brother is worried. My sister-in-law phoned to say that they were wondering if they could suggest Mum sees a doctor about her anxiety levels, but I think that is a non-starter. I'm fairly sure Mum would be outraged and say that of course she is worried, Dad has cancer (well-controlled by medication, it's not life threatening) and now he's misplacing his shoes. Mum has had anxiety issues for years, for example, when I went to university, when I got married and when I had my kids, so it's not an aging thing.
I'm just glad that no-one is threatening to report me to my GP every time I do something stupid - I'd have a very thick medical file by now!
How are things going with the sale of your mother's flat, Sarasa?
Could the other way of tackling your mother be to suggest to her that she has so many reasons to be anxious, that maybe she could see someone to help her deal with all these pressures? She'd probably be referred for CBT which may solve some of your problems.
Comments
It seemed all the more bizarre, as she'd been a very good cook in her day, and food and eating would have interested her.
Dad is refusing to contemplate the care home but has lost connection with reality again. He thought he had to attend a job interview today and not thinks he is at a conference. I wonder how much this is avoidance of the inevitable.
Thanks
@Jengie Jon , Is there anyway you can tell your dad the doctors recommend that he goes to a convalescent home or something and then just carry on saying that he can go home when they say so.
She now has a chest infection since coming home so on antibiotics.
That can't happen in my cosmos.
...
I don't, believe me Lothlorien. Even though it can't happen! Even though there is a rational explanation I can make up... I was jealous!
Thank you fineline and all again, I REALLY appreciate it. And I'm sorry for all going through the like here.
Dear God it's been ghastly. The heart has its secrets that's for sure.
All will be well.
When my brother-in-law was nearing the end (evil cancer, and he'd just turned 56), my sister and his sister had been sitting with him; they went to get a cup of coffee, and when they came back they found he'd slipped away, as though he wanted to cause them as little distress as possible (which would have been typical of him).
Thanks for saying that. My dad was very low in the early evening and everyone was gathered and we thought for sure that every breath was his last. He died quietly in the morning.
@Jengie Jon Hope you manage to keep things on an even keel with your dad, and that he starts to accept that he can't do all the things he used to be able to.
This isn't about my parents (both gone) but my long time neighbors. I've seen them go in and out but haven't dropped by to see them in the last few weeks. Yesterday I met their daughter and her son coming to see them. She asked if I knew of someone who could do some light housework for them. And mentioned that they were starting to show signs of dementia.
Oh, dear.
I'll have to make a point of visiting more often. They are lovely folks.
I keep rhetorically asking God, "What have you done with my mum?".
Friday they released her to the care of my brother. She wanted to go home. My wife just did not think that was a good idea. She thought Mom should go to a nursing home.
We got her home. She had a hard time climbing the ramp over the steps. My wife and I watched over her that night. She had difficulty toileting and getting into bed.
The next day we celebrated her 94th birthday. She sat up all day. She did not seem to tire. We finally made her go to bed at 9 pm. We discovered, though that she had some diarrhea when we changed her clothing. We put her in depends diapers--she hated that.
During the night she got up and toileted on her own, but she did call for assistance getting back to bed.
We had to leave the next day.
Today, though, my brother, who is her guardian, told me she got up on her own this morning, got dressed, came out and started the coffee maker and had cereal all on her own.
When she was in the hospital she told me she had to take a prescreen for suicide. Ten questions like have you ever thought of taking your life? She answered no to to all of them. She asked me why the nurse would not take no for an answer. I had to laugh.
When my Dad died 8 years ago, Mom all but gave up living. The only thing that turned her around was a dachshund that the animal control officer gave her to care for. She now lives for that dog.
We went en masse to visit today, so she could see The Intrepid Grandson and his mum (I thought if she saw The Former Miss S in person it might help her remember for more than ten minutes together that Miss S is expecting another baby). Mr S came too (so she could see that I haven't in fact buried him under the patio) but he hates visiting the care home and disappeared after ten minutes or so. While we were there, her oldest friend's son and d-i-l called in, and as they were leaving her next-door neighbour arrived! I don't suppose that's a typical day by any means, but even so it was cheering.
She seemed on good form, though her eyesight is failing her now <sigh> and her hearing aid seemed to have disappeared <sigh><sigh>
Mrs. S, sad to see life diminishing
My parents house is not like this. Everything is tidy. Things are put away promptly, in the correct place. Until last Saturday, when my father put his shoes on my mother's shoe rack. Mum is worried sick. Is this what the early stages of dementia look like? My parents are genuinely worried, and I recognise that it's out of character for Dad, but if this is dementia, the entire North East household has it.
Nah, not dementia. This is about white holes from another dimension that pop up in washing machines and spew socks. I'm sure that after coming up with a Unified Theory of Life, the Universe and Everything physicists will tackle this.
Well, Hitchhikers (IIRC) included a reference to a Lost Biro Planet so I'm pretty sure you're onto something ...
Mum is actually swithering about reporting the "shoes on the wrong shoe rack" to Dad's doctor. There was another "incident" last week in which Dad went blank on someone's name, and Mum is thinking that these two "incidents" ought to be medically investigated. She's wondering if he had a TIA last week which could account for them.
She's told my aunt that Dad had had some worrying symptoms, and my aunt told me that she was sorry to hear about my father. So I checked with Mum, thinking something else had happened but no, it was the shoes on the wrong rack and the forgotten person.
I really don't know what to say to Mum - these things happen to me ALL THE TIME and my brain is just fine, thanks?
@Gracious Rebel and @Gramps49 hope your mothers are continuing to do well at home. How's your dad taking to respite @Jengie Jon .
The weekend before last I was away and my brother had to sort out a mini-crisis with my mum that left the estate agent (nearest person with a key) and our regular handyman very concerned about her mental capacity. Brother is now agreeing with me that when mum moves it is going to have to be some sort of care home.
Off to see the GP next week. The psychiatrists report says mum has probable vascular dementia. Not something we've told her as she would refuse to believe it. I doubt she'll believe the GP either, but at least I can then play the good guy.
I'm just glad that no-one is threatening to report me to my GP every time I do something stupid - I'd have a very thick medical file by now!
How are things going with the sale of your mother's flat, Sarasa?