Maybe not so much a friendship as an admiration
The_Riv
Shipmate
in Epiphanies
I think I've come to a realization that someone I typically describe or list as a friend is actually someone I really admire, but with whom I don't actually share a mutual feeling or understanding of friendship. I say I "think" I've come to that realization, because as much as it resonates with me as a bit of an 'a-ha,' I don't really want it to be true. Anyway, I'm mulling it over. I suppose very few relationships enjoy 100% balance, but the lopsidedness of this particular friendship (there I go again) seems more and more palpable. I don't count many friends in general, let alone close(-r) friendships -- I'm an introvert ("I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.") -- so this is troubling me a fair bit at present. Maybe we've always been acquaintances? That seems odd, too. Ah well, Life's changes keep surprising, anyway.
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I had much closer friends in the past. Kids I grew up with in the neighborhood and went through school together. We had common interests and pursued common activities. We were able to support each other when we faced common problems. That was one of the attractions of Facebook when I first joined it. It allowed me to reconnect with some of those people. But now, many of them have passed on.
I don't think friendship is about a strong love though. The Greek concept of phileo best describes how I felt about such people.
In a couple of weeks, I will be going to a reunion of my junior college classmates. I went through the LCMS gymnasium educational system way back in the time of the dinosaurs. I am having some mixed feelings about going to it. We are all much older. I had a brief encounter with some of them last year when we got together to celebrate the 50th anniversary of my former roommate's ordination. I was surprised how healthy I was compared to some of them, even though I have some serious back issues.
I do need people I am close too, but the friends I have now are much different than the friends I grew up with. I still have friendly relations with new people. Just not as strong as the friends of the past.
The phrase “through thick and thin” probably sums up the enduring nature of these relationships. They’ve been for us and with us in tough times, and vice versa. Also through our changes of understanding and behaviour as we’ve got older.
Also we can both laugh and cry with one another.
Such relationships have great and abiding value. It’s a privilege to have them.
I'm the last three years I've got to know many people (I'm a joiner - not the woodworking type!) and Mr Boogs has got to know them though me. He's very much an introvert.
I've made one really close friend. We were both in need of friendship and found we got on incredibly well and have the same interests. We are at the 'wander in and call without knocking on the door' and 'I'm having a coffee on the patio, come and join if you're free' stage. I'm very fond of her. She makes me laugh and smile. Luckily Mr Boogs gets on with her too.
I miss that.
There is a forming acquaintanceship which due to distance and its current level of interaction hasn't reached the peaks of admiration the others did.
I wish you, and any others, all the best.
A dozen close friends, even between a couple, seems like an enormous number to me. I had two people I would count as such, but one died last year. I'm not sure my boyfriend would count anybody as a close friend. He has one very long-standing friend, but not sure when they were last in touch let alone when they last met.
Maybe our age has something to do with it? Whatever, we reckon we’re very fortunate to have so many which have endured.
I guess friendships need to be fostered as well. But there’s an old saying that when in trouble you find out who your real friends are.
If I feel I can comfortably be myself around people with relatively minimal masking or adjusting, that works, but often there are people who matter a lot to me who - because of gaps in time or interaction - that being around them requires a bit more adjusting. And I still regard these as friends.
I think sometimes I just bend around people and friendship is more of a flickering moment or a kairos that comes and goes. It's possible with anyone, given enough pressure and effort. But for most people it's not worth the investment.
I try to be friendly as I can. And I think I've learned not to get too attached to people. It always freaks me out a little when people seem attached to me. I think I was raised not to think much of myself.
Oof. Been there, done that. Outgrew the habit, thank goodness, though I did pick up what turned out to be some very genuine friends along the way.
One of the characters, Darrell, sings a song to one of his employees, Paula, entitled "You're My Best Friend (And I Know I'm Not Yours)". It's funny and rather sweet but it expresses a truth I don't hear often - that most friendships are not 50/50.
A friendship where one person does all the taking and the other all the giving is not healthy, of course. But maybe more friendships are unbalanced than we like to think.
I would be wary of thinking that "real friends" are only the ones who keep in touch once you move away. I have some friends I've lost touch with for years because of a physical move, and when we've met up we've picked up where we left off. And some friendships are real, but for a season. I've lost touch with some people completely; it doesn't mean they weren't precious friends at the time.
But regarding the "unbalanced" nature of some friendships, I totally agree. I have one friend (now moved away) who, when we met up, described me as her "bestie". This rather threw me as it's not the way I feel about her
I'm not sure I follow you - watch out you make some younger friends, or you'll run out of friends? I volunteer in a museum and have made quite a few friends who are 20-30 years older than me. Church likewise. And I am in my middle 50s. I foresee getting a fair bit of wear out of my suit over the next few years.
I probably ought to get myself back into community college or something, to balance things out a bit.