I asked the Nurse if Mr K would do the op himself (this is not a teaching hospital) and she said, 'Oh, yes - he's brilliant!' Now, that's the sort of thing I like to hear!
That's the best possible way to go into surgery - with confidence in your surgeon. Same for me, except I'd add that she was so aggressive I'm pretty sure she scared the cancer right out of my body.
My radical hysterectomy was done, via keyhole surgery, with just three small incisions by a guy who was studying to get it down to just one. I was out of hospital in 24 hours and back to work in 4 weeks. A good surgeon is a boon.
I asked the Nurse if Mr K would do the op himself (this is not a teaching hospital) and she said, 'Oh, yes - he's brilliant!' Now, that's the sort of thing I like to hear!
That's the best possible way to go into surgery - with confidence in your surgeon. Same for me, except I'd add that she was so aggressive I'm pretty sure she scared the cancer right out of my body.
Went with Mr. Image for post-op. All looks good, with need six follow-up treatments with bladder flush. Mr. Image said his back hurt and his legs were feeling weak, then as we were leaving he could not get his legs to work even with his walker and he would have fallen, but we were able to catch him with a chair. This has never happened before. We got him to the car with the office wheelchair. He refused to go to the hospital and thankfully I was able to get him in the house. I am very upset and concerned. I will be calling his GP tomorrow, at the moment he is asleep and I am exhausted.
Mr. Image is feeling better today, he is able to walk. Not remembering it was the end of the week I can not phone his doctor until Monday. Relieved he is able to get around. Thanks for the prayers all. Our daughter-in-law arrives for a visit tomorrow, we have not seen her for over a year, as she and my son live out of the area. Her visit should perk us both up.
On another day I will do more ranting about the inappropriate reactions from other people upon hearing about a cancer diagnosis.
Rant on! This is fertile ground.
... snip...
That was a bit of a ramble around the subject, but you caught me when it was on my mind!
You were on track with your comments for sure!! My "favourite" reactions included:
During the rather extended diagnostic phase: "Oh, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about." which then led to me feeling like I had to defend my worry by listing all the ways it could go wrong, leading to me feeling quite anxious.
"Oh, I know someone who had that cancer and died." Great! I feel better.
And my all-time favourite that a surprising number of people said: "Oh, you must be feeling ___________ "(fill in the blank with "worried," "angry," "fearful," "relieved")
The first and third ones were both really invalidating of my own feelings and process. For the most part I understand people were trying to be sympathetic, but I would have much preferred them to ask me how I was feeling or coping.
I was really fortunate not to have many people suggesting what I could have done to prevent it, or what alternative treatments I should try. That seems to be quite a common reaction and I'm grateful to have been spared that.
I'm grateful to those who are taking the time to post here with what are helpful and unhelpful reactions. I hope I have learned some lessons now but I'm certain that I've said some very unhelpful things in the past. My brother didn't tell any of us (his siblings and our mother) that he had cancer until he had to because he was going for surgery, and although he said it was because "it's such a heavy burden to put on people" I've got the uneasy feeling he was also afraid that we would react unhelpfully. He said that he found people saying "I'm so sorry" was difficult as how was he supposed to react? ("Yes, of course you are...")
However, he did at one point himself use the term "cancer-free" after, if I recall correctly, a series of scans and tests and commented that "Champagne corks were popping all day." I guess at the time he was simply enjoying the moment.
What would be a helpful initial response? "How awful. How are you coping?"?
Based solely on my own preferences, I would suggest asking questions rather than making assumptions. I understand some people might get tired of constant questions, though, so this won't necessarily work for everyone.
Here are some questions I appreciated (not all at once, of course!)
"How are you doing?"
"How are you feeling?
"Do you want to talk about it or not talk about it?"
"Do you want to talk about it or be distracted?"
"What's the best way for me to support you? I can offer (followed by list of things you're willing and able to do)"
And then just follow their lead. If it's dark humour, or worry, or denial... go with it. Don't worry if their response doesn't seem like the right one; chances are that the reaction will change within a few minutes. Trust that their medical team will guide them in a different direction if they're overall too worried or not worried enough. It's not your job to change that, only to walk alongside.
... I'm certain that I've said some very unhelpful things in the past.
@Nenya me too! Honestly, we're all going to mess up. I think it's only a problem if you double down on the unhelpful things. It's more about an overall balance and aiming for more helpful than unhelpful things.
I hated being told how brave I was being. I wasn't. And what do you say to that ?!
Yeah, it's not like you had a choice, right? I don't even know a good response to that. Something snarky. Or maybe something like "it's not like there was alternative."
1. The minister phoned and said, "I am praying for you".
2. My wife's supervisor from the library knocked on the door and handed over an armful of bottles from the local brewery, saying, "You're going to need these".
IMHO the answer to "I'm sorry" (said about bad news of all sorts) is merely "thank you" and an immediate shift to whatever you prefer to be talking about--which could be the cancer, or it could be the local Cardinals game. That's what I like about it. It allows the condolee to escape the subject entirely if so desired.
@PDR, So sorry this stuff is hard enough to deal with on its own without those who are to care for us making it even harder. So glad you have the opportunity to change treatment venues. Praying.
Just to keep you all in the loop we are still on hold. The next appointment is on 11th August, and I hope this lot have their heads screwed on. If they keep this up the wife will probably survive the damn cancer, but I'll end up either at the 'County Farm' or with liver failure.
@PDR, Yes, I am sure that is how it feels. After spending several weeks about some insurance billing the last time Mr. Image had cancer I remember telling a friend that the most drinking I do is a glass of wine now and then, but that insurance companies call for gin. Best wishes on the 11th.
@Graven Image - This has been dragging on for going on four years now. The initial half-diagnosis and treatment failed, and then it was difficult to get them to look at it again, and take seriously the possibility that there was a second problem alongside the first. It doesn't help that Mrs PDR has a bad tendency to want to cut me off from my friends, which I accept is a symptom of her own anxiety, but adds to mine. The trouble is that both conditions that my wife has are rare, so the initially reaction tends to be 'you can't have that, and that!'
Two more pills to go in this cycle! I have been suffering from 4 or 5 hours of afternoon chills and shivers for about a week. Which of course don't mean anything! Apart from "generalized weakness" which I already knew
The weather is infernal (36 deg C (96.8 deg F) at 9am today and will go up to 42 deg C (107.6 deg F) between 10 am and 2pm and by dinner time a balmy 35 deg C (95 deg F). This means it is difficult to do my Nature Walks and Sitting, Writing, and Praying in the shade of A Tree and breathing freshly photosynthesised oxygen.
Yesterday, while walking up to My Spot I saw the most exquisite (fallen) bird's nest (see Praise and Thanksgiving) and the tracks of a group of gazelles, Then I did all my usual things, like writing my journal and drinking water by "my" Seville Orange and Eucalyptus trees. Dear Partner has set me up a table and chair in the shade and hung a bucket from a nearby branch to store my water bottles (so I don't have to carry them myself), the dog's bowl, etc
A friend of my youth is back in the hospital because he was throwing up blood and they had difficulty getting it under control. A team of healthcare professionals are trying to see what further treatment there might be for his inoperable caner. Fuck cancer!!!!!!!
Home again new meds for infection, toss out one med that they suspect may be the reason for the swelling. I am starting to think medication often does more harm than good. I am thinking Mr. Image is indeed right quality over quantity of life is the way to go.
Home again new meds for infection, toss out one med that they suspect may be the reason for the swelling. I am starting to think medication often does more harm than good. I am thinking Mr. Image is indeed right quality over quantity of life is the way to go.
Home again new meds for infection, toss out one med that they suspect may be the reason for the swelling. I am starting to think medication often does more harm than good. I am thinking Mr. Image is indeed right quality over quantity of life is the way to go.
Hugs. That's a big thought to be having.
It is. Sending prayers and virtual hugs to @Graven Image and Mr Image.
Thanks, everyone, I am not usually one into signs but the chemo doctor's office called to cancel his upcoming appointment to start chemo. (a mistake we had already canceled it) The reason given was they were unable to fill the order for the chemo because of some change in the supply chain. Mr. Image is taking that as an affirmation of his decision. We plan to have a small cocktail and goodies this evening, first in a long long time.
Enjoyed (I am lying) another rite of passage today - the regular colonoscopy. Apparently the view up there was clear, with no polyps for the first time ever.
I worked as an assistant ward clerk for a local endoscopy unit a few years ago. One of my more interesting jobs was filing the pictorial results of Colon/OGDs. I won't say I dwelt on them, particularly, but it was fascinating as an example of the technological miracles of what the endoscopy can do. You could always tell who had taken ALL their Moviprep and who hadn't!
I'll ask for the video and post a YouTube link for all you caring people.
...but I have been advised that there may be intellectual property issues, despite my insistence that it wasn't a brain scan. At least, I hope it wasn't.
Ready to go for my blood test to determine if I can have chemo next week. My hair is essentially gone, what little is left looks worse than total baldness would, so I have learned the art of the head wrap.
I'll ask for the video and post a YouTube link for all you caring people.
...but I have been advised that there may be intellectual property issues, despite my insistence that it wasn't a brain scan. At least, I hope it wasn't.
So many terrible jokes suggest themselves.... (not on you, I hasten to add)
Ready to go for my blood test to determine if I can have chemo next week. My hair is essentially gone, what little is left looks worse than total baldness would, so I have learned the art of the head wrap.
Oh, Nicole. Electric clippers are easy to use and to get hold of, and might be one way to deal with your hair before all this is over.
Comments
That's the best possible way to go into surgery - with confidence in your surgeon. Same for me, except I'd add that she was so aggressive I'm pretty sure she scared the cancer right out of my body.
You were on track with your comments for sure!! My "favourite" reactions included:
The first and third ones were both really invalidating of my own feelings and process. For the most part I understand people were trying to be sympathetic, but I would have much preferred them to ask me how I was feeling or coping.
I was really fortunate not to have many people suggesting what I could have done to prevent it, or what alternative treatments I should try. That seems to be quite a common reaction and I'm grateful to have been spared that.
However, he did at one point himself use the term "cancer-free" after, if I recall correctly, a series of scans and tests and commented that "Champagne corks were popping all day." I guess at the time he was simply enjoying the moment.
Based solely on my own preferences, I would suggest asking questions rather than making assumptions. I understand some people might get tired of constant questions, though, so this won't necessarily work for everyone.
Here are some questions I appreciated (not all at once, of course!)
And then just follow their lead. If it's dark humour, or worry, or denial... go with it. Don't worry if their response doesn't seem like the right one; chances are that the reaction will change within a few minutes. Trust that their medical team will guide them in a different direction if they're overall too worried or not worried enough. It's not your job to change that, only to walk alongside.
@Nenya me too! Honestly, we're all going to mess up. I think it's only a problem if you double down on the unhelpful things. It's more about an overall balance and aiming for more helpful than unhelpful things.
Yeah, it's not like you had a choice, right? I don't even know a good response to that. Something snarky. Or maybe something like "it's not like there was alternative."
I recall, without comment, the following:
1. The minister phoned and said, "I am praying for you".
2. My wife's supervisor from the library knocked on the door and handed over an armful of bottles from the local brewery, saying, "You're going to need these".
Just to keep you all in the loop we are still on hold. The next appointment is on 11th August, and I hope this lot have their heads screwed on. If they keep this up the wife will probably survive the damn cancer, but I'll end up either at the 'County Farm' or with liver failure.
The weather is infernal (36 deg C (96.8 deg F) at 9am today and will go up to 42 deg C (107.6 deg F) between 10 am and 2pm and by dinner time a balmy 35 deg C (95 deg F). This means it is difficult to do my Nature Walks and Sitting, Writing, and Praying in the shade of A Tree and breathing freshly photosynthesised oxygen.
Yesterday, while walking up to My Spot I saw the most exquisite (fallen) bird's nest (see Praise and Thanksgiving) and the tracks of a group of gazelles, Then I did all my usual things, like writing my journal and drinking water by "my" Seville Orange and Eucalyptus trees. Dear Partner has set me up a table and chair in the shade and hung a bucket from a nearby branch to store my water bottles (so I don't have to carry them myself), the dog's bowl, etc
I just read this on waking:
https://hail.to/tui-motu-interislands-magazine/publication/gv0L4vm/article/ugU9wWE
and I really liked it, It makes so much more sense than "praying to". Like "Join my prayer to yours" I do hope you all like it
( @PDR and wife)
(@Graven Image)
Hugs. That's a big thought to be having.
I love this, @Graven Image . It sounds gentle and soul-refreshing.
But more seriously, good news. We could always do with more of that.
I worked as an assistant ward clerk for a local endoscopy unit a few years ago. One of my more interesting jobs was filing the pictorial results of Colon/OGDs. I won't say I dwelt on them, particularly, but it was fascinating as an example of the technological miracles of what the endoscopy can do. You could always tell who had taken ALL their Moviprep and who hadn't!
...but I have been advised that there may be intellectual property issues, despite my insistence that it wasn't a brain scan. At least, I hope it wasn't.
So many terrible jokes suggest themselves.... (not on you, I hasten to add)
Oh, Nicole. Electric clippers are easy to use and to get hold of, and might be one way to deal with your hair before all this is over.