We struggled with my partner's siblings offering us time off. The couple of times we did it, we came back to rest home staff up in arms because the sibs had criticised and interfered. Since they normally live overseas, they would swan off home, leaving us to deal with the aftermath. We didn't do it again, as we had a lot of respect for the rest home people, and it pissed us off that the sibs upset them. (I realise I still feel angry about it, a year later!)
Reading with interest. My sister lives overseas, unlikely ever to return to the UK, is financially unable to make frequent visits home unless I pay for them, but is emotionally closer to my parents than I am. I know in this respect the future will be particularly interesting (at times of parental illness in the past it’s been hard enough...).
*heaves sigh of relief* the Dowager was almost back to herself when I visited yesterday. The sad thing is that if she's not paranoid, she's just sad. 'I don't think I ever did anything to hurt anybody, to deserve having to live here' she said (no guilt trips for me, then). I did get to use my latest technique for defusing the situation 'Yes, life is just one long series of disappointments, isn't it?' to which she nodded sagely *grrrr*
Second sad thing is that people visit her, but she doesn't remember they've been, so feels neglected. I know they've visited, because Stuff has arrived in her room - two different lots of flowers, a book, biscuits, and so on - but she's 'never seen them before'
Mind you, I took two books of my children's wedding photos - one almost 5 years old and one about 18 months - and 'I've never seen these before!' :dumbstruck: But I was very good and refrained from telling her that even 5 years ago she complained so long and loud about how old she looked (at 90) that in the end I was forced to say 'well, the photographer was very good, but he can only work with the raw material he's got!'
I went to visit my mother yesterday and as Mrs S so wisely said about the Dowager a while ago, the main problem is that she doesn't want to be old. She was still talking about going on holiday or moving, but the main motivation for both seemed to be getting away from being a tired, nearly blind ninety year old woman with a failing memory. Unfortunatly no holiday in this world is going to help that.
My main reason for going was to set up a talking book machine I'd ordered for her. It was the simplest one I could find, but it 'clutters the room and is too complicated'. I put it away and hope she'll be keener on it at another time. When I pointed out that she'd been nagging me to sort out talking books for her for ages she told me I shouldn't pay attention to what she says. I'll remember that one, even though she won't.
The other reason for going was to tell her that my brother and I have booked in a doctors appointment for her next week. The real reason is to push for a referal to the memory clinic, but between us we spun a story about why the doctor wanted to see her. Mum thinks the real reason is that, after having taken her a month ago, I fancy the doctor and want to see him again.
The other reason for going was to tell her that my brother and I have booked in a doctors appointment for her next week. The real reason is to push for a referal to the memory clinic, but between us we spun a story about why the doctor wanted to see her. Mum thinks the real reason is that, after having taken her a month ago, I fancy the doctor and want to see him again.
...well, one cover story is as good as another, as long as she agrees to go... <giggles>
M-i-L's 90th birthday is looming. Husband was supposed to be organising a cake (she is his mother, after all) but has just woken up to the fact that with less than two weeks to go the baker he emailed his order to has not got back to him.
Oh well, if the worst comes to the worst I can make one myself...
Intrepid Mrs S - I have heard of families keeping a 'sign in' book, so that visitors can see who came and when and can refer to it when elderly person is confused. They might even use it to write in a brief message to the Dowager so she could use it for comfort too if she choses.
I only got to know my Great Auntie Millie when she was in care. She was definitely one of my favourite people, being my Grandfather's sister and the only remaining sibling of a close family of eight who lived most of their lives in Christchurch and in contact with each other. At her 90th birthday she referred to herself as "the wee Lone Ranger".
In the months before her death I tried to visit her as often as possible, not out of duty, but because I loved her, and she taught me so much. She was a woman with a great and simple faith, and in those last months gently complained that she couldn't understand why "the Good Lord doesn't just come for me and take me away'. I think she missed her brothers and sisters greatly, and no one else could replace them, however well meaning.
Although I'm much younger, I can now understand this better as my older brother slides into dementia with Parkinson's. My younger brothers are so much younger so don't share those early memories.
Back to hosp tomorrow re father's eye. Hoping the pressure is down. He is intermittently saying he sees a little better and his mood improves. Then it is worse, and his mood is poor.
Re siblings from some distance away. We need to visit my brother-in-law on the east coast, who has his own vision challenge with loss of one eye's vision and his wife is dealing with an injury and cannot move. Just trying to arrange with Ontario sister to come, who has the funds, is emotionally closer to him than I, but she's too busy she says. So the west coast sister will come instead and she cannot afford it, and has a strained set of feelings about him like and she's also too busy too but comes anyway. There's just no telling with people, whether in your family or not. After fuming for 10 mins, I realize there's no point, and it is all forgive and do what is the right thing. Which is annoying isn't it? Doing the right thing is annoying.
Off to do eye drops and sit for a while with the old guy and hear some of the same stories, and try to get him to not worry about tomorrow morning's appt with the surgeon.
Sarasa: I'm interested in the "talking book machine". How does it work and does it read text?
Husband’s grandmother was in hospital for ages with a broken hip and then in care. She too complained till we set up visitors book. Unfortunately she was never satisfied as to visitors and also felt neglected unless someone from family was there every day, no matter how many others came. We set up family roster. One family visitor was as good as ten ata time, so why spend our time.
Sarasa: I'm interested in the "talking book machine". How does it work and does it read text?
I signed mum up to a library that for a small fee provides a lending library of books on memory sticks and also provides a memory stick player like this one to play the books on. My son whose dyslexia is so severe that he can't read books uses Audible to download novels, which is another idea if your father is more technically aware than my mum
The above machine doesn't read text but something like this Electronic magnifier does. I think you'll find similar on the CNIB website. Sorry I used to be a librarian before I retired and it breaks out sometimes.
However these will only work if your dad is willing to practice using it. At one time my mum was all for spending thousands on a flash computer system. A quick look at it made us realise that it would be too difficult for her to learn to use it, and it wouldn't do what she wanted, which was turn her favourite on-line supermarket website into easy to read lists anyway.
I must try the Visitor's Book idea, but since the Dowager won't remember to remind people to sign it, I need to warn them in advance. This would be easier if I knew for sure who they were! Still worth a try - thanks, everyone.
Sarasa: I'm interested in the "talking book machine". How does it work and does it read text?
My son whose dyslexia is so severe that he can't read books uses Audible to download novels, which is another idea if your father is more technically aware than my mum...
However these will only work if your dad is willing to practice using it.
I thought many times about a Kindle, or some way of listening to Audible books (which I do all the time) but sadly by then her computer ability, which had been good enough to allow her to play bridge games, was in decline and I could just see another slew of phone calls as to why it wouldn't work <tears hair>. NEQ's Dad might welcome the challenge though, and for what Audible costs it could be well worth it!
Mrs. S, who had a successful phone call this morning
{{{NP and your dad}}} Prayers ascending for his appointment tomorrow.
Re: visitors' books - if the care-home is like the one at the place where Dad was, there'll be a signing-in book for everyone coming into the building, and a place for them to fill in who they're visiting; you might be able to look back and see who else has been to see the Dowager. Also, the staff might tell you - I know the hospital staff were very good about telling Dad who had been in to see Mum when she wasn't able to tell him herself. If the place doesn't have a signing-in book, I think a book set in your mum's room sounds like a good idea.
{{{NP and your dad}}} Prayers ascending for his appointment tomorrow.
Re: visitors' books - if the care-home is like the one at the place where Dad was, there'll be a signing-in book for everyone coming into the building, and a place for them to fill in who they're visiting; you might be able to look back and see who else has been to see the Dowager. Also, the staff might tell you - I know the hospital staff were very good about telling Dad who had been in to see Mum when she wasn't able to tell him herself. If the place doesn't have a signing-in book, I think a book set in your mum's room sounds like a good idea.
That reminded me of when I was visiting my mom in her care home-- when I went to sign in I noticed someone was already visiting her-- a man's name I didn't recognize. When I got to her room, she wasn't there-- but there was a very young man sitting patiently. All sorts of interesting possibilities occurred to me.
(turned out my niece was visiting her grandmother and had dragged boyfriend along-- and boyfriend for some reason signed in only his name, not niece. Niece and grandma were off in another room)
Visitors books can be invaluable for the family. The one that I liked the most was a friend whose book was a school notebook and written across the front was a large print admonition to not leave without signing. There was room for people to write why they had been visiting and little notes to the lady. If she was away from her room, you could leave a note to say you had been by and when you would be back. If she fell asleep while you were there, you could write that too. Her daughter kept up with everything that was going on at the nursing home and it was a treat to read some of the entries with the lady when conversation topics were needed. Everyone, no matter if they visited someone else every day and just popped in for a quick hello, was asked to sign. It really helped her to keep track of things and make sense of the days. A very helpful tool for the family and if a staff member will work with you to read who was there before you chat on the phone or pass it to your mother before you usually call, then it could help to sort out who has been by.
When I got to her room, she wasn't there-- but there was a very young man sitting patiently. All sorts of interesting possibilities occurred to me.
Would have been most interesting indeed if she caught up with you on the street afterwards, but you didn't recognize her until she had broken bread with you.
I signed mum up to a library that for a small fee provides a lending library of books on memory sticks and also provides a memory stick player like this one to play the books on. My son whose dyslexia is so severe that he can't read books uses Audible to download novels, which is another idea if your father is more technically aware than my mum
The above machine doesn't read text but something like this Electronic magnifier does. I think you'll find similar on the CNIB website. Sorry I used to be a librarian before I retired and it breaks out sometimes.
However these will only work if your dad is willing to practice using it. At one time my mum was all for spending thousands on a flash computer system. A quick look at it made us realise that it would be too difficult for her to learn to use it, and it wouldn't do what she wanted, which was turn her favourite on-line supermarket website into easy to read lists anyway.
Helpful, Thank-you. My wife was speaking of the CNIB and thought to pay the local office a visit. Shall discuss this over supper.
Father's eye pressure is normal today. Which sounds lovely, but he is heavily demoralized as his vision is still very poor. I stretched the truth again when I restated what the surgeon said about length of time to have swelling reduced. Trying to boost his mood.
[tangent]
Is there a lesson about dishonesty that I am supposed to learn from this? Sweet Jesus*, am I to learn to tell wee little lies and truth-stretches? and be good with it? Brought up Germanically re culture was I where one is to bluntly say yes, no and blurt out the facts, so this is a-stretching me.
*'tis a prayer and a cursing both, though gentle on the latter.
[/tangent]
Life will go much more smoothly if you learn to stretch the truth a bit. Luckily, your father has faith in your upbringing and will believe what you tell him. Honestly, as people age, there's a bit of a dance that goes on. Sometimes what is left unsaid is as important as what you do say. Being vague and hopeful will go a long way.
Btw, at our library, they have these cases with an audio book inside and you supply the "A" battery to power it. I believe you use your own headphones too. They have quite a few of them and there is no tricky technology to master.
NP, with dementia sufferers (and they are exactly that) it is essential to find ways positively to avoid the truth. Don't argue, don't contradict, don't reason - while it seems they go out of their way to say things you can't possibly agree with (yes, I know they don't but blo**dy hell, it seems for all the world as if they do).
At least your father still believes you! I can see the Dowager now, curling her lip at me while we disagreed about the reasons I gave my daughter her second name. It's probably better and kinder to keep his hopes alive and bend the truth, or indeed avoid the truth...
((())) and prayers for all of us, trying to be cheerful enough for two
Btw, at our library, they have these cases with an audio book inside and you supply the "A" battery to power it. I believe you use your own headphones too. They have quite a few of them and there is no tricky technology to master.
I think this is what of thing mum had in mind when I mentioned talking books. I'll have a look at the catalogue of her local public library and see if they do such things. I'm not sure that she'll get on with head phones though.
As for bending the truth, I think it is essential, both for your own welbeing and that of your parent, and it seems to be something that health professionsal do too. I'm pleased when the opthalmologist at the hospital is upbeat about mum's vision even though she and I know how very poor it is, not quite so much when the GP convinces mum she isn't going crazy, and she assumes that means she has no memory problems.
2016 my mother died after having had dementia for several years. Now it is my mother-in-law's turn. She is undergoing assessment and we are expecting the outcome to be Alzheimer's. I'm not sure I have got over the first one yet.
On a more positive note, Dad turned 90 last week and we had a big family party at the weekend. He is getting forgetful, but there's no sign of dementia. He is not acting his age either, most people in their 70s act and look older. On present form he'll last forever.
I'm sorry to hear about your mother-in-law, balaam. It's difficult when one situation follows hard on the heels of another.
My mother has hurt her back. It gets better as the day goes on. She's seen the doctor who has referred her for an X ray. We had a conversation which went as follows:
Mum: It's absolute agony for the first hour or two after I get up. Painkillers aren't touching the pain.
Me: So is Dad making breakfast and looking after you till it eases off?
Mum: The pain's not THAT bad!
(where's the head banging off a brick wall emoji?)
Love that NEQ! They should change their questioning techniques at the hospital. On a scale of 1-10 how is your pain - where 1 is you are ready to tackle the gardening and 10 is it hurts so much that you ask your husband to make breakfast.
{{Balaam}}, that is tough. Pleased your dad had a good family party for his ninetieth.
NEQ - What would it take for your mother to throw in the towel and get help? She sounds pretty tough.
Mrs S - I have the same illness monitor with my husband, he hates being driven by me or anyone else for that matter.
No idea, Sarasa. She is tough, but she's also in her eighties. I have no idea what would happen if she took suddenly very ill; Dad is completely incapable of cooking etc, I am two hours away and my lovely brother and sister in law, though closer, have their hands full with my sister in law's elderly mother.
Some time ago they had an unexpected visitor while Mum was at the supermarket. Dad made a cup of tea, but was unable to offer the visitor anything to eat because he didn't know where in the kitchen Mum kept the biscuits.
Oh my, that is bad. My dad did everything - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. It was a great consolation to me when my mom died that my dad would not have the frustration of trying to learn how to look after himself. He has since remarried and doesn't let on that he knows.
A man in my parish lost his wife several years ago. She had always insisted that men "didn't belong in the kitchen." After she died he didn't even know how to boil water and relied on home-delivery pizza most evenings, with cold left-overs for breakfast. (Once parishioners learned of this he did get some home-cooked meals delivered or invitations to dinner.) Luckily he moved into assisted living eventually.
Then again, a woman who was suddenly widowed told me that she had never pumped her own gas/petrol. Her responsibility was to put food on the table, and her husband's was to maintain the cars.
I'm hoping that younger generations aren't as apt to face this situation, with many living alone before marriage and (hopefully!) sharing cooking, housework, home/yard maintenance chores, etc. once they're sharing a home.
About 30 years ago somehow I became the go to person at the church for new widows looking to learn how to pump gas and balance a bank statement. I was shocked how many women of my mother's generation did not have a clue. Even going to an auto repair shop frightened them. Thankfully, I have had no such requests lately. I do notice that some men at the senior center of my generation ( I am almost 80 ) still seem to be at loss in the kitchen, at laundry and such. I am with Pigwidgeon in being hopeful that the younger generations are doing better. I taught my sons to cook at 9 years old, and they both share cooking for their families.
My mother's job prior to getting married involved driving long distances, often at night. She had her own company van. She was the first woman in the north of Scotland to win a company safe driving award. Once she married, Dad became responsible for everything to do with cars. Up until 2014, if Mum's car needed petrol, Dad would drive it to the garage to fill it up for her. Unsurprisingly, when he went onto chemo in 2014 it turned out she was perfectly capable of putting petrol in her car herself.
However, Mum does claim to be clueless about their finances. This is not my problem. I may have a law degree and be a qualified, though non practising, solicitor but I don't have a penis and so my brother has the Power of Attorney. Lucky him!!
D's mum has, in the last week, decided to give up driving (partly, I think at his sister's prompting - when his mum came out of hospital, his sister hid her car keys).
She was only really using it to go to the supermarket, and TBH she'd be little worse off taking a taxi, and she'd have the added advantage of the driver probably helping her load and unload her shopping.
When D's dad went into hospital, his mum had never put petrol in the car, and (I think) probably never done any of their banking things; she could write a cheque, but she had no idea about using a Cashline machine. In the last while, she hasn't been putting petrol in the car herself either; she waits until D's sister is there (she goes up regularly) and gets her to do it.
I remember our kids were confirmed by a lovely bishop called Leslie Lloyd Rees, once Honorary Chaplain to the Queen and mainly remembered for being the bishop i/c Prisons. I asked our vicar if it was okay to invite Bishop Leslie to the lunch party, and he said he was sure it would be: Bishop Leslie was not long widowed and in his own words, could cook an egg, and toast, but not at the same time
He came to the party and confessed that lovely ladies from his current church kept bringing him casseroles; he had to ask them to leave them on the kitchen table ('oh, couldn't I just pop it straight in the freezer, Bishop?') because the freezer was absolutely packed with casseroles <killing me>
I remember him saying 'You did well to get them both confirmed at the same time' and just as I was inwardly congratulating myself on the obvious spiritual qualities of Chez S, he punctured my pretensions by adding 'and saving yourself another lunch party!' Oh he was a treat, may he rest in peace and rise in glory :angel:
*heaves sigh of relief* the Dowager was almost back to herself when I visited yesterday. The sad thing is that if she's not paranoid, she's just sad. 'I don't think I ever did anything to hurt anybody, to deserve having to live here' she said (no guilt trips for me, then). I did get to use my latest technique for defusing the situation 'Yes, life is just one long series of disappointments, isn't it?' to which she nodded sagely *grrrr*
Second sad thing is that people visit her, but she doesn't remember they've been, so feels neglected. I know they've visited, because Stuff has arrived in her room - two different lots of flowers, a book, biscuits, and so on - but she's 'never seen them before'
Mind you, I took two books of my children's wedding photos - one almost 5 years old and one about 18 months - and 'I've never seen these before!' :dumbstruck: But I was very good and refrained from telling her that even 5 years ago she complained so long and loud about how old she looked (at 90) that in the end I was forced to say 'well, the photographer was very good, but he can only work with the raw material he's got!'
*heaves sigh of relief* the Dowager was almost back to herself when I visited yesterday. The sad thing is that if she's not paranoid, she's just sad. 'I don't think I ever did anything to hurt anybody, to deserve having to live here' she said (no guilt trips for me, then). I did get to use my latest technique for defusing the situation 'Yes, life is just one long series of disappointments, isn't it?' to which she nodded sagely *grrrr*
Second sad thing is that people visit her, but she doesn't remember they've been, so feels neglected. I know they've visited, because Stuff has arrived in her room - two different lots of flowers, a book, biscuits, and so on - but she's 'never seen them before'
Mind you, I took two books of my children's wedding photos - one almost 5 years old and one about 18 months - and 'I've never seen these before!' :dumbstruck: But I was very good and refrained from telling her that even 5 years ago she complained so long and loud about how old she looked (at 90) that in the end I was forced to say 'well, the photographer was very good, but he can only work with the raw material he's got!'
Mrs. S, sadder and wiser
My mum has a visitor book. Write a message when you visit. It’s good to chat about.
Today is a day I’ve organised. A trip out of care for dad with daughter mum and husband. A trip to where my dad loves the bush.
His becoming physically less able month by month. I’m finding this so hard.
My dad had Alzheimers and dementia. An extremely intelligent man with various qualifications. It was heartbreaking to see his decline. He has been gone 20 years now and I still miss him.
My mother phoned last night telling me to expect a call from the police. Apparently she withdrew a large sum of money from the bank, put it somewhere at home, and then when couldn't find went and accused the neighbours. When they denied all knowledge of having taken it she called the police.
The officers that can round seem to have been lovely, and patient, and obviously no more believed that the money had been stolen than I did. Ten minutes after her first call she phoned again to say she'd found the money in one of her usual hiding places.
There is lots about this story that is panicking me. When I asked why do much money she wasn't really sure, but said something about buying a coat, and she seems to have no remorse about her false accusations against the neighbours. Having been on the receiving end of her anger, I imagine she wasn't very nice to the women next door, who must be wondering what she's going to do against them next.
I don't think she can live on her own much longer, but getting her to accept help is going to be tricky as she doesn't think there is anything wrong, and it's just the rest of the world, specially me, not believing her version of the truth.
Oh, Sarasa, that sounds really difficult. Maybe you can use the police report to discuss things with the GP? Because your mother doesn't sound safe alone any more.
Sarasa, what a difficult time you are having. A friend's very elderly mother made a similar accusation, and, if I recollect correctly, the police passed on their concerns to social work. I do know that the police had her name / address/ phone number flagged as belonging to a "vulnerable person" which changed the way they dealt with the next call.
Oh Sarasa <votive> it isn't only your mother who needs help, it's you. It just isn't sustainable, the way things are now: and if she won't believe you, I know how that feels.
It had to be an outside agency (the GP) to convince my Mum she couldn't stay at home alone; it might be that there is some medication (anti-anxiety?) that could be used to stop her making these accusations. Her GP surgery has a 'well-being nurse' who called and talked to Mum on her own, and checked out what else could be done to help - does your Mum's have anything similar? If not it sounds to me as if Social Services are going to have to get involved.
... she seems to have no remorse about her false accusations against the neighbours ...
Is it possible that she doesn't remember accusing the neighbours?
You're really being put through it, aren't you? I'm afraid all I can offer is prayers, which continue to ascend (for all of you - you, your mum and the neighbours) and to echo what others have said about getting specialist help, whether it be from your mum's GP or social workers (or one might lead to the other).
@Anotherday - I hope your day out with your dad was an enjoyable one. When my dad was first in the care home, we were able to take him out for a run in the car, and maybe get a cup of tea and a wee bun somewhere; the only restriction was we had to be careful not to take him anywhere near his old house (where we were staying), as he would think he might be going home, and become distressed when he found he wasn't.
Thak you all for your kind thoughts and prayers. I haven't spoken to mum today, but my sister in law has. As she said mum seems to hate the neighbours with a passion and doesn't think she has done anything wrong in accusing them of stealing her money, because she is sure if they didn't do that, they've done other stuff instead.
My brother has set up a doctors appointment for Wednesday and I'm going to spend a chunk of tomorrow writing down all our concerns and emailing it to him ahead of the visit. I'm just crossing my fingers my brother can come too, he is much better than I am at cheering mum up and deflecting her anger.
Hope your brother can come, as it sounds like you need the support, but it could be a blessing in disguise if he doesn't and your mother loses her rag - the doctor will be able to see for himself what you're talking about...
It's a good idea to email the doctor in advance as well - I've done that when setting up appointments for my daughter (who has chronic migraines, the specialist at the hospital has a file on her an inch thick) and our doctor did read through it before the appointment and said it was helpful. Also, paper trails are always good; if any question is raised about her care in the future, he can't say he wasn't told.
Thak you all for your kind thoughts and prayers. I haven't spoken to mum today, but my sister in law has. As she said mum seems to hate the neighbours with a passion and doesn't think she has done anything wrong in accusing them of stealing her money, because she is sure if they didn't do that, they've done other stuff instead.
My brother has set up a doctors appointment for Wednesday and I'm going to spend a chunk of tomorrow writing down all our concerns and emailing it to him ahead of the visit. I'm just crossing my fingers my brother can come too, he is much better than I am at cheering mum up and deflecting her anger.
Neighbour phoned this afternoon. Mum was laying siege to their door. I phoned her so she went in to pick the phone up.
Apparently she is calling round up to six times a day demanding various things they have 'stolen' back. Mum's take is that it is obvious they are taking and moving her stuff and she is just being an assertive woman demanding it back.
I really don't know where we go from here. As it is I've taken to drink!
Have you been in contact with the police, Sarasa, to find out if they have sent a report to social services? I hope that the visit to the doctor on Wednesday helps to find a solution to the situation. (votive)
The neighbours may need to discuss harassment with the police - as a way of getting your mother to have to accept social work or placement in supported living. She can't continue hassling the neighbours like this. The police can make adult social care referrals (it's what I was trying to get in place the week my neighbour attacked me, but I had to go through the police.)
If the neighbour's phone again I'll ask them to contact the police. At the moment they probably don't want to be seen as being nasty about a little old lady.
No, indeed, but really it's for her own good. They are being incredibly understanding, but if she makes accusations to the wrong person (visualises large tattooed thug) everything could go horribly wrong :eek:
I worry more that mum will do something silly to the neighbours. I don't envisage her being as vile as CK's neighbour, but I can imagine her throwing a punch, and I certainly can see her standing outside the door and yelling for her dressing gown, paracetomol or what ever else she thinks has gone missing back.
I don't think there will be a quick fix to this, but at least my brother is making a detour to pick me up tomorrow, which means we'll have an hour in his car to thrash out soem sort of joint policy.
I'm visiting my parents today. I enjoyed my last visit. I was there for 4 1/2 hours, and during that time my sister-in-law came round and stayed for 90 minutes. Unfortunately, the following day my father said that he doesn't want my visits to include my sister in law in the future - he wants to have my undivided attention. To be honest, during the three hours we spent without SIL, we were starting to struggle for conversation. Dad was recycling anecdotes I've heard many times before. His hearing seems fine one to one, but I wonder if he has a problem when the conversation isn't focussed on him. I'm going to try to focus on things he could be doing today. He and Mum seem determined to cling onto a lifestyle that just isn't making them happy.
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Second sad thing is that people visit her, but she doesn't remember they've been, so feels neglected. I know they've visited, because Stuff has arrived in her room - two different lots of flowers, a book, biscuits, and so on - but she's 'never seen them before'
Mind you, I took two books of my children's wedding photos - one almost 5 years old and one about 18 months - and 'I've never seen these before!' :dumbstruck: But I was very good and refrained from telling her that even 5 years ago she complained so long and loud about how old she looked (at 90) that in the end I was forced to say 'well, the photographer was very good, but he can only work with the raw material he's got!'
Mrs. S, sadder and wiser
My main reason for going was to set up a talking book machine I'd ordered for her. It was the simplest one I could find, but it 'clutters the room and is too complicated'. I put it away and hope she'll be keener on it at another time. When I pointed out that she'd been nagging me to sort out talking books for her for ages she told me I shouldn't pay attention to what she says. I'll remember that one, even though she won't.
The other reason for going was to tell her that my brother and I have booked in a doctors appointment for her next week. The real reason is to push for a referal to the memory clinic, but between us we spun a story about why the doctor wanted to see her. Mum thinks the real reason is that, after having taken her a month ago, I fancy the doctor and want to see him again.
...well, one cover story is as good as another, as long as she agrees to go... <giggles>
M-i-L's 90th birthday is looming. Husband was supposed to be organising a cake (she is his mother, after all) but has just woken up to the fact that with less than two weeks to go the baker he emailed his order to has not got back to him.
Oh well, if the worst comes to the worst I can make one myself...
I only got to know my Great Auntie Millie when she was in care. She was definitely one of my favourite people, being my Grandfather's sister and the only remaining sibling of a close family of eight who lived most of their lives in Christchurch and in contact with each other. At her 90th birthday she referred to herself as "the wee Lone Ranger".
In the months before her death I tried to visit her as often as possible, not out of duty, but because I loved her, and she taught me so much. She was a woman with a great and simple faith, and in those last months gently complained that she couldn't understand why "the Good Lord doesn't just come for me and take me away'. I think she missed her brothers and sisters greatly, and no one else could replace them, however well meaning.
Although I'm much younger, I can now understand this better as my older brother slides into dementia with Parkinson's. My younger brothers are so much younger so don't share those early memories.
Re siblings from some distance away. We need to visit my brother-in-law on the east coast, who has his own vision challenge with loss of one eye's vision and his wife is dealing with an injury and cannot move. Just trying to arrange with Ontario sister to come, who has the funds, is emotionally closer to him than I, but she's too busy she says. So the west coast sister will come instead and she cannot afford it, and has a strained set of feelings about him like and she's also too busy too but comes anyway. There's just no telling with people, whether in your family or not. After fuming for 10 mins, I realize there's no point, and it is all forgive and do what is the right thing. Which is annoying isn't it? Doing the right thing is annoying.
Off to do eye drops and sit for a while with the old guy and hear some of the same stories, and try to get him to not worry about tomorrow morning's appt with the surgeon.
Sarasa: I'm interested in the "talking book machine". How does it work and does it read text?
The above machine doesn't read text but something like this Electronic magnifier does. I think you'll find similar on the CNIB website. Sorry I used to be a librarian before I retired and it breaks out sometimes.
However these will only work if your dad is willing to practice using it. At one time my mum was all for spending thousands on a flash computer system. A quick look at it made us realise that it would be too difficult for her to learn to use it, and it wouldn't do what she wanted, which was turn her favourite on-line supermarket website into easy to read lists anyway.
I thought many times about a Kindle, or some way of listening to Audible books (which I do all the time) but sadly by then her computer ability, which had been good enough to allow her to play bridge games, was in decline and I could just see another slew of phone calls as to why it wouldn't work <tears hair>. NEQ's Dad might welcome the challenge though, and for what Audible costs it could be well worth it!
Mrs. S, who had a successful phone call this morning
Re: visitors' books - if the care-home is like the one at the place where Dad was, there'll be a signing-in book for everyone coming into the building, and a place for them to fill in who they're visiting; you might be able to look back and see who else has been to see the Dowager. Also, the staff might tell you - I know the hospital staff were very good about telling Dad who had been in to see Mum when she wasn't able to tell him herself. If the place doesn't have a signing-in book, I think a book set in your mum's room sounds like a good idea.
That reminded me of when I was visiting my mom in her care home-- when I went to sign in I noticed someone was already visiting her-- a man's name I didn't recognize. When I got to her room, she wasn't there-- but there was a very young man sitting patiently. All sorts of interesting possibilities occurred to me.
(turned out my niece was visiting her grandmother and had dragged boyfriend along-- and boyfriend for some reason signed in only his name, not niece. Niece and grandma were off in another room)
Helpful, Thank-you. My wife was speaking of the CNIB and thought to pay the local office a visit. Shall discuss this over supper.
Father's eye pressure is normal today. Which sounds lovely, but he is heavily demoralized as his vision is still very poor. I stretched the truth again when I restated what the surgeon said about length of time to have swelling reduced. Trying to boost his mood.
[tangent]
Is there a lesson about dishonesty that I am supposed to learn from this? Sweet Jesus*, am I to learn to tell wee little lies and truth-stretches? and be good with it? Brought up Germanically re culture was I where one is to bluntly say yes, no and blurt out the facts, so this is a-stretching me.
*'tis a prayer and a cursing both, though gentle on the latter.
[/tangent]
Btw, at our library, they have these cases with an audio book inside and you supply the "A" battery to power it. I believe you use your own headphones too. They have quite a few of them and there is no tricky technology to master.
At least your father still believes you! I can see the Dowager now, curling her lip at me while we disagreed about the reasons I gave my daughter her second name. It's probably better and kinder to keep his hopes alive and bend the truth, or indeed avoid the truth...
((())) and prayers for all of us, trying to be cheerful enough for two
Mrs. S, whose face too often still gives her away
I think this is what of thing mum had in mind when I mentioned talking books. I'll have a look at the catalogue of her local public library and see if they do such things. I'm not sure that she'll get on with head phones though.
As for bending the truth, I think it is essential, both for your own welbeing and that of your parent, and it seems to be something that health professionsal do too. I'm pleased when the opthalmologist at the hospital is upbeat about mum's vision even though she and I know how very poor it is, not quite so much when the GP convinces mum she isn't going crazy, and she assumes that means she has no memory problems.
On a more positive note, Dad turned 90 last week and we had a big family party at the weekend. He is getting forgetful, but there's no sign of dementia. He is not acting his age either, most people in their 70s act and look older. On present form he'll last forever.
My mother has hurt her back. It gets better as the day goes on. She's seen the doctor who has referred her for an X ray. We had a conversation which went as follows:
Mum: It's absolute agony for the first hour or two after I get up. Painkillers aren't touching the pain.
Me: So is Dad making breakfast and looking after you till it eases off?
Mum: The pain's not THAT bad!
(where's the head banging off a brick wall emoji?)
Mrs. S, snickering
NEQ - What would it take for your mother to throw in the towel and get help? She sounds pretty tough.
Mrs S - I have the same illness monitor with my husband, he hates being driven by me or anyone else for that matter.
Then again, a woman who was suddenly widowed told me that she had never pumped her own gas/petrol. Her responsibility was to put food on the table, and her husband's was to maintain the cars.
I'm hoping that younger generations aren't as apt to face this situation, with many living alone before marriage and (hopefully!) sharing cooking, housework, home/yard maintenance chores, etc. once they're sharing a home.
D's mum has, in the last week, decided to give up driving (partly, I think at his sister's prompting - when his mum came out of hospital, his sister hid her car keys).
She was only really using it to go to the supermarket, and TBH she'd be little worse off taking a taxi, and she'd have the added advantage of the driver probably helping her load and unload her shopping.
When D's dad went into hospital, his mum had never put petrol in the car, and (I think) probably never done any of their banking things; she could write a cheque, but she had no idea about using a Cashline machine. In the last while, she hasn't been putting petrol in the car herself either; she waits until D's sister is there (she goes up regularly) and gets her to do it.
He came to the party and confessed that lovely ladies from his current church kept bringing him casseroles; he had to ask them to leave them on the kitchen table ('oh, couldn't I just pop it straight in the freezer, Bishop?') because the freezer was absolutely packed with casseroles <killing me>
I remember him saying 'You did well to get them both confirmed at the same time' and just as I was inwardly congratulating myself on the obvious spiritual qualities of Chez S, he punctured my pretensions by adding 'and saving yourself another lunch party!' Oh he was a treat, may he rest in peace and rise in glory :angel:
Mrs. S, still smitten after all these years
My mum has a visitor book. Write a message when you visit. It’s good to chat about.
His becoming physically less able month by month. I’m finding this so hard.
The officers that can round seem to have been lovely, and patient, and obviously no more believed that the money had been stolen than I did. Ten minutes after her first call she phoned again to say she'd found the money in one of her usual hiding places.
There is lots about this story that is panicking me. When I asked why do much money she wasn't really sure, but said something about buying a coat, and she seems to have no remorse about her false accusations against the neighbours. Having been on the receiving end of her anger, I imagine she wasn't very nice to the women next door, who must be wondering what she's going to do against them next.
I don't think she can live on her own much longer, but getting her to accept help is going to be tricky as she doesn't think there is anything wrong, and it's just the rest of the world, specially me, not believing her version of the truth.
It had to be an outside agency (the GP) to convince my Mum she couldn't stay at home alone; it might be that there is some medication (anti-anxiety?) that could be used to stop her making these accusations. Her GP surgery has a 'well-being nurse' who called and talked to Mum on her own, and checked out what else could be done to help - does your Mum's have anything similar? If not it sounds to me as if Social Services are going to have to get involved.
So sorry...
You're really being put through it, aren't you? I'm afraid all I can offer is prayers, which continue to ascend (for all of you - you, your mum and the neighbours) and to echo what others have said about getting specialist help, whether it be from your mum's GP or social workers (or one might lead to the other).
@Anotherday - I hope your day out with your dad was an enjoyable one. When my dad was first in the care home, we were able to take him out for a run in the car, and maybe get a cup of tea and a wee bun somewhere; the only restriction was we had to be careful not to take him anywhere near his old house (where we were staying), as he would think he might be going home, and become distressed when he found he wasn't.
My brother has set up a doctors appointment for Wednesday and I'm going to spend a chunk of tomorrow writing down all our concerns and emailing it to him ahead of the visit. I'm just crossing my fingers my brother can come too, he is much better than I am at cheering mum up and deflecting her anger.
Hope your brother can come, as it sounds like you need the support, but it could be a blessing in disguise if he doesn't and your mother loses her rag - the doctor will be able to see for himself what you're talking about...
It's a good idea to email the doctor in advance as well - I've done that when setting up appointments for my daughter (who has chronic migraines, the specialist at the hospital has a file on her an inch thick) and our doctor did read through it before the appointment and said it was helpful. Also, paper trails are always good; if any question is raised about her care in the future, he can't say he wasn't told.
Hope it goes ok.
Apparently she is calling round up to six times a day demanding various things they have 'stolen' back. Mum's take is that it is obvious they are taking and moving her stuff and she is just being an assertive woman demanding it back.
I really don't know where we go from here. As it is I've taken to drink!
Mrs. S, empathising
I don't think there will be a quick fix to this, but at least my brother is making a detour to pick me up tomorrow, which means we'll have an hour in his car to thrash out soem sort of joint policy.