Headlines of Utter Weirdness

On the old Ship, we had this thread on strangely worded headlines from the papers we read, respectively their online counterparts. These could also be quotes Shipmates saw in an article, put into amazingly bizarre and/or funny ways. Some are conscious choices by a clever author, many are simple negligence and thoughtlessness.

A few of these curious wordings may be changed shortly after publication by a responsible and responsive proofreader, but more often than not, they aren't.

I hope this thread might make us wonder and marvel about the language used, and the entrapments thereof. Have fun!

* * *
Here's my gift for today, from the Washington Post, in an article about a fire in NYC's Trump Tower:
Sixty-seven-year-old Todd Brassner, 67, who was in the apartment, was taken to a hospital and died a short time later.

May he rest in peace, twice-agespecified Todd.
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Comments

  • Wesley JWesley J Shipmate
    edited April 10
    Interestingly, from a WaPo headline again:
    North Korea’s fleet of Soviet-era and older model planes has some wondering if Kim Jong Un would be able to take one of his own jets to a potential summit with President Trump outside the region.

    I knew he was kinda tiny, but model planes? Hm... :)
  • HedgehogHedgehog Shipmate
    Currently on the BBC News page:
    Tolkien's first Middle Earth story due
    Yeah, it is about time he got around to writing one...
  • Still another BBC item which took me down the wrong path:
    "Teachers in Pennsylvania get 16in bats after Florida
    School shooting"


    Is that nose to tail measurement, or wingspan?
    And are bats trainable to swoop down upon a gun-wielding killer?
    Recently another PA school district installed a bucket of rocks in each classroom, for defense.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    Sign carried by Arizona teacher demonstrating as part of the Red for Ed movement (I'm not quoting it verbatim -- should have written it down when I saw it -- but here's the gist):

    Teachers in Arizona classrooms no certified

    Shouldn't that be "not certified", sweetie? Or did one of the non-certified teachers make the sign for you?
  • My news feed currently has

    "Syria action needed, say ministers, and alcohol..."
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    Reminds me of the old Mexican proverb: "Para todo mal, mescal. Para todo bien, también." Can't really be translated preserving the rhyme, but: "For everything bad, mescal. For everything good, that too."
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host
    Not a newspaper headline as such, but I get e-mails from a ladies' clothing shop telling me about upcoming sales and special offers.

    The headline on their web link yesterday read (I kid you not):
    Up Your Bottom Game
    I think it should be explained that they refer to trousers and anything else worn from the waist down as "bottoms" (as opposed to tops), but on first reading I thought it sounded like some sort of initiation ritual at a posh boys' school ... :naughty:

    Perhaps their headline writers need a bit of a re-think.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    On tonight's TV news crawl, referring (I think) to Arnold Schwarzenegger's recent heart valve surgery:

    Arnold Schwarzenegger gets new hearty valve

    Wouldn't do for a man of his stature to get a wimpy one, now, would it?
  • If all else fails then the Forest of Dean & Wye Valley Review will come to the rescue!
    I particularly liked Druids edge cross-border friendly
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    On this morning's TV news headlines:

    Hotel manger shot

    Good Lord! Now the gun nuts are going after the Baby Jesus. Who's next? Herod?
  • On this side of the pond is it surprising how many junior schools sing that well known carol Away in a manager at Christmas...
  • sionisaissionisais Shipmate
    If all else fails then the Forest of Dean & Wye Valley Review will come to the rescue!
    I particularly liked Druids edge cross-border friendly

    Anyone who knows anything about rugby as it is played in the Forest will know that this wasn't a friendly.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    Not strictly speaking a headline of weirdness, but weird anyway:

    As tragic as the recent incident was on Southwest Airlines, where a woman was sucked out of the plane through a broken window and pulled back in by other passengers, only to die anyway -- why have all the headlines and news stories referred to her as a married mother of two?

    Yes, I know, there is such a thing as unmarried mothers, and society is right to admit the existence of same -- but surely "married and with two children" would have been less, erm, prudish . . . ?
  • We have a similar thing here in the UK: our newspapers frequently refer to "Anna Smith-Brown, age 7, a schoolgirl" - as if a 7 year old child might be something else - for example a nuclear physicist.
  • Yes, I know, there is such a thing as unmarried mothers, and society is right to admit the existence of same -- but surely "married and with two children" would have been less, erm, prudish . . . ?

    "Married mother-of-two" is a noun phrase. "Married with two children" is an adjectival phrase.

    Both convey the same information - that the lady in question leaves a husband and two children.

    If she wasn't married, she would just be referred to as a "mother-of-two". To call her an "unmarried mother-of-two" would smack of prudery, though.
  • Good news for Celtic Knotweed!
    (I have to say that, she's reading over the top of my laptop)

    AG
  • Wesley JWesley J Shipmate
    But must she be 'controlled and managed' instead, as it says? :smiley:
  • The headline's about the Japanese/Welsh side of the family. I'm much nicer :smile:
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host
    From the e-mail alerts I get from The Times:
    Moon welcomes Kim Jong-Un
    His territorial ambitions are out of this world ... :smiley:
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    Again our ever-reliable TV news headline crawl exposes the truth:

    (Said in connection with the recent Arizona teachers' strike and concern over what will happen to children forced to stay home alone when both parents are at work:)

    Cavalry Church to offer free lunches to school children

    Everybody knows that when you want results you call in the cavalry.
  • bassobasso Shipmate
    From the sports desk, reported in a local rag:
    Lightning off Bruins to advance to finals

    Hockey's gotten more serious since I last watched.
  • From BBC news on line: Kim Hak-song, Tony Kim and Kim Dong-chu were able to "walk on the plane without assistance", the White House said.
    Golly, weren't they allowed inside the plane? Its a long flight!
  • Wesley JWesley J Shipmate
    edited May 12
    Just heard on the BBC Radio 4 programme 'From Our Own Correspondent', about Iran:

    Doors were slammed shut that hadn't even been opened.

    Genius! :smiley:

  • Current second most read article on the BBC news homepage is:

    All-you-can-eat pizza festival apologises for lack of pizza
  • Wet KipperWet Kipper Shipmate
    Wesley J wrote: »
    J

    Doors were slammed shut that hadn't even been opened.

    my four year old likes to do that - if he's in a mood he likes to slam doors, and if the door is already shut, he will bang it anyway
  • HedgehogHedgehog Shipmate
    Currently from BBC News:
    Catfish suspended over sex harassment claims
    Why anybody would hang a fish over a pile of harassment claims remains a bit of a mystery.
  • HedgehogHedgehog Shipmate
    President Trump posthumously pardons Jack Johnson
    Despite how I first read it, it turns out that it is Jack Johnson who is dead...
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host
    ... unfortunately.
  • Wesley JWesley J Shipmate
    Very strange headline from the WaPo:
    New report finds no evidence that having sex with robots is healthy
  • PigwidgeonPigwidgeon Shipmate
    But how do the robots feel?
    :wink:
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    I'll bet they don't get headaches.
  • They might blow a fuse or have a screw loose, though.
  • BBC online news:
    Dad's praise for shooting victim helpers
    Huh?
  • Wesley JWesley J Shipmate
    Outch!
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    On tonight's TV news crawl:

    Police shoot man with gun

    More effective than shooting him a dirty look, I would imagine.
  • Oh, I don't know - they could have been issued with the "green" option, i.e. bows and arrows.

    Delightfully ambiguous, at any rate!
  • Golden KeyGolden Key Shipmate
    Or with a Nerf bazooka, which shoots sponge balls.
  • HedgehogHedgehog Shipmate
    From a local paper:
    Pickup slams into light pole, car, house near New Castle Friday, almost hits pheasants.
    Maybe you have to live here, but I found that hilarious....
  • Wesley JWesley J Shipmate
    I think it's briliant! - Sounds like you can hit just about anything or possibly anyone (!) with your car, but don't you even think of hitting any of their beloved pheasants! Now there's a village with priorities. :smiley:
  • It's not about saving the pheasants. It's so they'll be able to shoot pheasants with guns later.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host
    And there I was, thinking it was a typo for "peasant" ... :naughty:
  • AIUI, if you hit a pheasant with a car and then take it away with you, it's poaching. If, on the other hand, you find a pheasant that someone else has hit with a car, it's fair game.

    Peasants, on the other hand, are rather stringy, even well marinaded.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    edited July 1
    Yes. The middle classes and those who don't have to work the land have more fat on them. They go well with apple sauce.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host
    @Enoch - :mrgreen:
  • Smallish headline in this morning's BBC online news:
    Piglet disrupts live weather forecast
    Not OUR Piglet, surely. Or...maybe....
  • HedgehogHedgehog Shipmate
    "Tut, tut, looks like rain. Tut, tut, looks like rain...."
  • PigwidgeonPigwidgeon Shipmate
    Smallish headline in this morning's BBC online news:
    Piglet disrupts live weather forecast
    Not OUR Piglet, surely. Or...maybe....
    I've never seen OUR Piglet, but I doubt that this is she!

  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host
    You're quite right - those piglets are far cuter than me! 🐖
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    On the headline crawl of this morning's ever-reliable BBC World News America:

    World's first family to live in 3D-printed house

    What I want to know is: Will Adam and Eve have separate bedrooms?
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