That is tough, CM. I know I would not have been able to save enough under my own steam to retire. Do you think you will be able to continue in your role in perhaps a more flexible fashion, reduced hours, or online?
The organisation I worked for had a huge number of staff with lots of leave entitlements and they were encouraged to do a transition to retirement by using their leave gradually and working fewer hours as their retirement age approached.
I feel very fortunate that not long after starting work Oz govt brought in a scheme to make it compulsory for individuals and employers to contribute to retirement funds for citizens. They had worked out that people were living longer and that the aged pension would not cope if it had to provide for everyone. It still does provide for those with no other income source and in part pensions for those on low-middle incomes. I think without it, I would be totally sunk as would many women who have worked part-time or had to fulfill caring roles and not earn a reasonable income.
That is tough, CM. I know I would not have been able to save enough under my own steam to retire. Do you think you will be able to continue in your role in perhaps a more flexible fashion, reduced hours, or online?
The organisation I worked for had a huge number of staff with lots of leave entitlements and they were encouraged to do a transition to retirement by using their leave gradually and working fewer hours as their retirement age approached.
I feel very fortunate that not long after starting work Oz govt brought in a scheme to make it compulsory for individuals and employers to contribute to retirement funds for citizens. They had worked out that people were living longer and that the aged pension would not cope if it had to provide for everyone. It still does provide for those with no other income source and in part pensions for those on low-middle incomes. I think without it, I would be totally sunk as would many women who have worked part-time or had to fulfill caring roles and not earn a reasonable income.
Oh, I am online. As I’m an adjunct, I’m not full-time at any one place, but I get classes from multiple community colleges to make ends meet, so technically I’m part-time, just at a bunch of places. This last spring semester (which just ended) I had nine classes at four different places, and for summer I’ve got four classes at two places (which won’t be enough—I’m looking for more stuff and have set up a GoFundMe to get through the summer).
85 here, I would say my health was a 6 out of 10. I was just sick of feeling sick. I was also taking care of my husband for 2 years before he died. We moved to a new town to be closer to medical care where I knew no one. Not a good time. That was 3 years ago. Now that I am free to leave the house I can look after my health, and make new friends. Things are looking up. I have made several friends with my neighbors, We meet for exercise and swimming in the community pool. We share brunch once a month and do other things. They are all younger then me. I am blessed in that my children hired a helper for me one morning a week as I no longer drive. Not only do we do important things like shopping and doctor appointments, but we also do fun things as she is showing me around my new town. I am writing a book for my grandchildren, learning to play music, and have taken up exercise. I am going on my first vacation in over 10 years. Life is much better at 85 than it has been for a long time. . My health has improved. I would give it a 4 out of 10 now.
I recently turned 70. I retired from my full-time job, though I keep up a very small private practice. My health is very good (though I had a bit of medical drama a month or so ago that turned out to be nothing terribly significant, though it was extremely inconvenient). I like retirement. I have projects I've been putting off for decades, thought I'm not getting around to them quite as energetically as I had expected.
The marrying again thing that @TheOrganist mentions is an issue as part of me would like to do so. I'm young enough and enjoy female company. I'm quite quirky and independent though.
Generally, the Orthodox don't encourage widowed people to marry again but certainly don't forbid it either. There is someone I'm attracted to and have been for some time. They aren't a believer.
I don't know whether this person is interested in me but a friend is convinced she is, but I don't know what evidence they have for that.
I've discussed it with clergy and they've advised me to keep praying, not to worry about it unduly and not to second-guess any outcomes. Why worry about something that may not happen?
That's sound advice, I think but I still feel in limbo. It feels like an adolescent crush and I don't like feeling this way.
I'd like to be friends with this person and that may be feasible. But I also feel drawn to them romantically and can't shake that off. If it's a late-life adolescent crush it will pass. It's very uncomfortable though. Like being poorly.
I'm trying not to let my mind rush through imaginary scenarios and conversations. Easier said than done.
Prayers please. Of your mercy.
As a follow-up to this, if anyone is interested or cares enough to pray.
The situation is resolved. It's a no-go. The person I had a crush on appears to be in a relationship now.
At least I didn't make a fool of myself. It hurts though. But it will pass.
I feel a bit foolish but am trying not to beat myself up.
I also tend to be harsh on myself. It's natural to get 'crushes' on people. In this instance I didn't realise they were 'spoken for' as it were. Even if they weren't I don't think it'd have worked out. But head and heart aren't always in synch.
Anyway, it's all speculative. I'm just feeling pretty grotty. But I'll get over it and move on.
It's a longer story, but I ended up moving my daughter's belongings -- largely by myself -- from a storage facility to her new 1st floor walkup apartment (hopefully for the duration of her grad school). Needless to say, it has been soundly reconfirmed for me that I am not in the physical prime of my life.
I also tend to be harsh on myself. It's natural to get 'crushes' on people. In this instance I didn't realise they were 'spoken for' as it were. Even if they weren't I don't think it'd have worked out. But head and heart aren't always in synch.
Anyway, it's all speculative. I'm just feeling pretty grotty. But I'll get over it and move on.
It's a longer story, but I ended up moving my daughter's belongings -- largely by myself -- from a storage facility to her new 1st floor walkup apartment (hopefully for the duration of her grad school). Needless to say, it has been soundly reconfirmed for me that I am not in the physical prime of my life.
I can resonate with all of you who have lost partners; I lost David almost five years ago when I was 57 and he was 63. Like Gamma, I feel cheated that we didn't get to retire together, and that I must have faith that we'll see each other again in the afterlife.
For myself now, I'm reasonably content with my lot: I'm in good health apart the the odd twinge, and have a job that I enjoy. My main worry is how I'll cope financially with retirement, as there's a big hole in my National Insurance contributions from when we lived in Canada and because we were rubbish at saving.
I can't imagine being with anyone else, so I don't think that's a dilemma I'm likely to need to face, but the prospect of an impoverished old age on my own isn't very appealing!
It's a longer story, but I ended up moving my daughter's belongings -- largely by myself -- from a storage facility to her new 1st floor walkup apartment (hopefully for the duration of her grad school). Needless to say, it has been soundly reconfirmed for me that I am not in the physical prime of my life.
My son moved from North Carolina to Washington, DC, also for grad school, last week. For the very reason you experienced, and after my own experience moving him out of his college apartment a few years ago (also in July), we got movers this time. Money well spent.
I can resonate with all of you who have lost partners; I lost David almost five years ago when I was 57 and he was 63. Like Gamma, I feel cheated that we didn't get to retire together, and that I must have faith that we'll see each other again in the afterlife.
For myself now, I'm reasonably content with my lot: I'm in good health apart the the odd twinge, and have a job that I enjoy. My main worry is how I'll cope financially with retirement, as there's a big hole in my National Insurance contributions from when we lived in Canada and because we were rubbish at saving.
I can't imagine being with anyone else, so I don't think that's a dilemma I'm likely to need to face, but the prospect of an impoverished old age on my own isn't very appealing!
I can understand all that, although it seems our respective situations are opposites. I don't have financial problems but do feel bereft.
I'm not sure I can really envisage being with anyone else but, truth be told, I have developed romantic feelings towards two other women since my wife died. In neither instance was I looking for that to happen.
I can't guarantee that I won't develop such feelings in future, but I haven't actively been pursuing such eventualities. They've just sort of happened in the context of activities I'm involved with. In neither case have they resulted in an actual relationship.
Perhaps someone is trying to tell me something... 😉
I hope that your concerns about your financial future don't materialise, @Piglet.
Meanwhile, I'm not sure what lessons there are from my recent emotional upheaval, other than to pray, concentrate on worthwhile activities and give myself to mindfulness activities without worrying that it's all woo-woo.
My main worry is how I'll cope financially with retirement, as there's a big hole in my National Insurance contributions from when we lived in Canada and because we were rubbish at saving.
It's none of my business to ask, but are you in a position where you can "back pay" some NI years to help your future pension? I'll send you a PM with a link. You can pay up to 6 years, I think.
My wife and I both lived overseas for a while; my church supported me by paying NI contributions, which I didn't value at the time but do now. My wife has gaps in her record which she could have filled but she has a good "work" pension so decided not to bother.
@ChastMastr, this is so important: to try not to think too far ahead or dwell in the past, just cope with getting through the day at hand. Some days are hellish, some are better, and kind friends are key to coping. I do trust it will get easier.
My main worry is how I'll cope financially with retirement, as there's a big hole in my National Insurance contributions from when we lived in Canada and because we were rubbish at saving.
It's none of my business to ask, but are you in a position where you can "back pay" some NI years to help your future pension? I'll send you a PM with a link. You can pay up to 6 years, I think.
My wife and I both lived overseas for a while; my church supported me by paying NI contributions, which I didn't value at the time but do now. My wife has gaps in her record which she could have filled but she has a good "work" pension so decided not to bother.
Be careful though @Piglet - you might spend your savings to pay for more state pension that would be covered for free by means-tested pension credit anyway, if it is your only source of income.
According to the government website, there is a minimum income guarantee level, through pension credit, taking into account all sources of income (including any savings interest):
“Pension Credit tops up your weekly income to £218.15 if you’re single”
@MaryLouise - yes, the getting through the day thing works. I'm not sure these things 'get any easier' but we can get 'better' at managing them and building our 'resilience' to use a current buzz-word.
There isn't any alternative. We have to 'lean into' these things. Grief doesn't go away. We learn to live with it. That's been my experience anyway.
It's a longer story, but I ended up moving my daughter's belongings -- largely by myself -- from a storage facility to her new 1st floor walkup apartment (hopefully for the duration of her grad school). Needless to say, it has been soundly reconfirmed for me that I am not in the physical prime of my life.
My son moved from North Carolina to Washington, DC, also for grad school, last week. For the very reason you experienced, and after my own experience moving him out of his college apartment a few years ago (also in July), we got movers this time. Money well spent.
I'm too stubborn and proud to do that. I'd still rather ache for a few days afterwards. Totally understand doing otherwise, though. My family thinks I'm nuts, and they're right.
I did find that as I aged, I spent a lot less money if that is any encouragement. When Mr Image passed and my income was cut by 1/4, I was very concerned, but I am doing okay. I have very few bills other than food, rent, and insurance. No longer having a car to buy gas for and upkeep has helped a lot, and other then shoes I buy very few clothes. I check thrift stores before I buy other things, such as a lamp when my old one broke. My entertainment is free books from the library and hanging out with friends and family. I had hoped to travel more, but my health has stopped any long trips. So, I make art and music at home for my own enjoyment; it does not matter that I am not good at either one; it is just for me.
It's a longer story, but I ended up moving my daughter's belongings -- largely by myself -- from a storage facility to her new 1st floor walkup apartment (hopefully for the duration of her grad school). Needless to say, it has been soundly reconfirmed for me that I am not in the physical prime of my life.
My son moved from North Carolina to Washington, DC, also for grad school, last week. For the very reason you experienced, and after my own experience moving him out of his college apartment a few years ago (also in July), we got movers this time. Money well spent.
I'm too stubborn and proud to do that. I'd still rather ache for a few days afterwards. Totally understand doing otherwise, though. My family thinks I'm nuts, and they're right.
Ha! My nature is to be similarly stubborn and proud, not to mention thrifty. Or at least it was. Having a heart attack—a mild one, but one that got me to the hospital—while moving a sleeper sofa, followed by quadruple bypass two days later, convinced me to permanently put moving on the list of things that from now on I’ll pay someone to do.
I am 74, retired for 7 years, widowed for 10 years after a 40-year marriage. I'm involved with church, a community choir, activities in my neighborhood, a little traveling, and trying (with not much success) to organize my house. So I feel useful, I have interests, and am pretty much enjoying myself. That's the OK part. I was never athletic, but I've really put on the pounds in recent years (the "Covid nineteen" followed by the "Trump twenty" - too much boredom and anxiety). I have a renewed interest in getting that under control because two health concerns have come to the fore in recent weeks. One is the beginnings of arthritis in my knees, for which I've begun physical therapy. The other is atrial fibrillation. I've taken medication for cholesterol and high BP for the last few years, unsurprising because of family history, and all seemed under control. But the a-fib just seemed to come out of nowhere, and though I've started meds for it, I'm honestly scared sh*tless.
I am 74, retired for 7 years, widowed for 10 years after a 40-year marriage. I'm involved with church, a community choir, activities in my neighborhood, a little traveling, and trying (with not much success) to organize my house. So I feel useful, I have interests, and am pretty much enjoying myself. That's the OK part. I was never athletic, but I've really put on the pounds in recent years (the "Covid nineteen" followed by the "Trump twenty" - too much boredom and anxiety). I have a renewed interest in getting that under control because two health concerns have come to the fore in recent weeks. One is the beginnings of arthritis in my knees, for which I've begun physical therapy. The other is atrial fibrillation. I've taken medication for cholesterol and high BP for the last few years, unsurprising because of family history, and all seemed under control. But the a-fib just seemed to come out of nowhere, and though I've started meds for it, I'm honestly scared sh*tless.
Ok. I can't sleep. I've tried prayer. Not sure how that 'works' but it seems to at times. Not immediately.
Excuse my sporadic thoughts and posts.
Firstly, rationally and in the cold light of day, I can 'deal' with the situation I described upthread. Through wishful thinking, human frailty, 'confirmation bias' and the misreading of what I took to be 'cues', I developed an infatuation that could have been nipped in the bud a 12 month since.
All is not lost. I haven't hurt or embarrassed anyone else. That's a mercy.
My estranged elder daughter appears to be thawing towards me. I received a friendly message from her for the first time in 7 months. That's a mercy.
I'm off an exciting eco-tourism trip soon. I'm involved with things I enjoy. Those are mercies.
'There art thou happy. A pack of blessings lights upon thy back.'
But what this episode has done is rekindle some of the sharper pangs of grief. It's always there, rumbling and gnawing away in the background of course. That doesn't change. That won't shift.
It's not just missing the person and what they meant to you, it's knowing that if you want to see a play, concert or film, then you are more than likely to see it alone. And not have someone to share it with or talk about it with afterwards.
Sure, I can do my amateur dramatics and go to poetry open-mics, but come back to an empty house afterwards. There's no longer any 'special friend's or companion, someone who knows and loves me warts and all.
'But what about Jee-zahz?' the pietists might ask?
Sure. He's there. And Mary and the Saints too these days. I suspect they always were. 😉
But I'm finding that the really tough aspect. I don't begrudge or envy the woman I had a 'crush' on her special friend. She's been through a crushing bereavement. I'm pleased she seems to have found someone new.
It's not that I don't have friends and confidantes. I know a Quaker woman and her husband with whom I can be very open, but they are potentially moving to another town. Not far away but far enough so's I won't bump into them by chance.
I went to an open-mic this evening, just to get out of the house. It was pretty dire. It was good to see people I knew though. That was a mercy.
I'm trying to avoid negativity and self-flagellation. 'You idiot Gamaliel! What were you thinking?' Not always successfully.
It's easy to say, 'Oh, what will be, will be. Learn the lessons and move on ...'
Gee, thanks a bunch!
Ever heard of Job's Comforters?
The comments on this thread I've found most helpful are ones along the lines of, 'Heck! Sorry to hear that.' Or 'Oh shit!'
Not some pious platitudes.
Stuff those.
What can't be cured must be endured. There are no two ways around that.
We may no longer have a special friend, but we have friends. We have loved and we have lost. But we have loved.
One maybe weird thought that has helped me through these past months: when I do something a bit different or new, instead of thinking how much Mr P would have enjoyed this, I remind myself that Mr P would not have been able to cope with this, so I turn a negative back into a positive for me.
On the other hand I still think I am going to be able to tell him all about my current holiday when I get home.
Sure. I do that too. I'm sure it's natural and can help, but it can also 'reinforce' feelings of loneliness.
I don't know about anyone else but I'm always composing imaginary conversations in my head. It's how I think things through. I imagine myself talking to this, that or the other person - not always close friends or family or people I've had crushes on - but even people I don't encounter very often- depending on what the issue is.
Mrs Gamaliel wouldn't have wanted to trek into the rainforest looking for lemurs. But she'd have wanted to hear about the lemurs.
And she's not here to hear about them.
Sure, we hope and trust she's in a 'better place', but I'll still want to tell her about it.
There's no way around that. We just have to deal with it.
I can empathise with that. So often I've wanted to tell my dad about something that's happened on the cricket pitch, because no-one else would care in the same way as him, and of course he's not there.
But that's my dad. It must gain a whole extra level when it's your spouse that I cannot comprehend.
Sure. It's on another level again though when you start having imaginary conversations - not necessarily romantic ones but intellectual/philosophical ones with someone you would have liked to have a romantic relationship with but where that possibility is dead in the water.
Serious question. How does one get 'closure' on that?
A drowning man will clutch at a straw. One day I'm thinking. 'Right. That's it. No chance. Forget about it and move on.'
Later the same day I'm thinking, 'But what if ...?'
It's the Stages of Grief thing. 'Bargaining' and 'Denial' are part of that.
I'm exhausted. Emotionally wrung out and mourning a relationship that never existed or never materialised.
Of course it's nowhere near ascbad as losing a loved one. At least there though you are mourning the loss of someone and something you had together. Here I'm mourning the loss of something that looked promising - and I was getting mixed messages, I'm not making that up - but never actually happened.
Perhaps this happens all the time. Perhaps as a Good Little Evangelical in my youth, I was wrapped in cotton-wool and for better or worse missed most of the vicissitudes of 'dating' and relationships that 'regular folk' go through.
Perhaps I'm just catching up in my 60s with what most people in Western societies experience in their teens, 20s, 30s ...
Sorry to keep on, but I feel as if I'm in a Club Sandwich made of Grief. A layer of Grief for my Late Wife, another layer of Grief for a Relationship that Never Was.
A Double Shit Sandwich.
Easy to say, 'Just throw it in the bin.'
But what if you were checking to see whether there was at least a smidgeon of bacon amongst the compressed layers of turd?
Hardly appetising even if their were.
Anyhow, enough of the scatalogical metaphors. Grief over my dead wife I can handle. I've got used to that. I can lay flowers at her grave as I did earlier today. I don't want a monument to this later layer of thin air and what has never been.
I know I'll get through it, but is it a case of wait until time washes it away or conduct some kind of Closure Ceremony?
I think I'll get over it and move on and probably pretty quickly too. I've got things to get involved with and that will certainly help. The pain and disappointment is quite acute but whatever does not kill us makes us stronger.
Comments
Prayers welcome, definitely.
The organisation I worked for had a huge number of staff with lots of leave entitlements and they were encouraged to do a transition to retirement by using their leave gradually and working fewer hours as their retirement age approached.
I feel very fortunate that not long after starting work Oz govt brought in a scheme to make it compulsory for individuals and employers to contribute to retirement funds for citizens. They had worked out that people were living longer and that the aged pension would not cope if it had to provide for everyone. It still does provide for those with no other income source and in part pensions for those on low-middle incomes. I think without it, I would be totally sunk as would many women who have worked part-time or had to fulfill caring roles and not earn a reasonable income.
Oh, I am online. As I’m an adjunct, I’m not full-time at any one place, but I get classes from multiple community colleges to make ends meet, so technically I’m part-time, just at a bunch of places. This last spring semester (which just ended) I had nine classes at four different places, and for summer I’ve got four classes at two places (which won’t be enough—I’m looking for more stuff and have set up a GoFundMe to get through the summer).
Sending hugs and prayers. I understand. ❤️
As a follow-up to this, if anyone is interested or cares enough to pray.
The situation is resolved. It's a no-go. The person I had a crush on appears to be in a relationship now.
At least I didn't make a fool of myself. It hurts though. But it will pass.
I feel a bit foolish but am trying not to beat myself up.
Understandable that you feel this way, but in my view caring for another is never foolish.
Anyway, it's all speculative. I'm just feeling pretty grotty. But I'll get over it and move on.
If it will happen, it will happen. Don't beat yourself up. It hurts, yes. Chalk it up as a learning experience, move on.
Sorry you are feeling grotty, though, @Gamma Gamaliel , hope you feel better soon.
Xxx ooo
Adrian Plass says that! ❤️
🕯
For myself now, I'm reasonably content with my lot: I'm in good health apart the the odd twinge, and have a job that I enjoy. My main worry is how I'll cope financially with retirement, as there's a big hole in my National Insurance contributions from when we lived in Canada and because we were rubbish at saving.
I can't imagine being with anyone else, so I don't think that's a dilemma I'm likely to need to face, but the prospect of an impoverished old age on my own isn't very appealing!
I can understand all that, although it seems our respective situations are opposites. I don't have financial problems but do feel bereft.
I'm not sure I can really envisage being with anyone else but, truth be told, I have developed romantic feelings towards two other women since my wife died. In neither instance was I looking for that to happen.
I can't guarantee that I won't develop such feelings in future, but I haven't actively been pursuing such eventualities. They've just sort of happened in the context of activities I'm involved with. In neither case have they resulted in an actual relationship.
Perhaps someone is trying to tell me something... 😉
I hope that your concerns about your financial future don't materialise, @Piglet.
Meanwhile, I'm not sure what lessons there are from my recent emotional upheaval, other than to pray, concentrate on worthwhile activities and give myself to mindfulness activities without worrying that it's all woo-woo.
My wife and I both lived overseas for a while; my church supported me by paying NI contributions, which I didn't value at the time but do now. My wife has gaps in her record which she could have filled but she has a good "work" pension so decided not to bother.
@ChastMastr, this is so important: to try not to think too far ahead or dwell in the past, just cope with getting through the day at hand. Some days are hellish, some are better, and kind friends are key to coping. I do trust it will get easier.
Be careful though @Piglet - you might spend your savings to pay for more state pension that would be covered for free by means-tested pension credit anyway, if it is your only source of income.
According to the government website, there is a minimum income guarantee level, through pension credit, taking into account all sources of income (including any savings interest):
“Pension Credit tops up your weekly income to £218.15 if you’re single”
Details here
As I understand it, NI top-up can be a good investment if you have additional income that means that you would not qualify for pension credit.
I think being on pension credit could also reduce or remove council tax, and means you would automatically qualify for winter fuel payments.
I am not a financial adviser though, so please seek professional advice!
And also from us.
@MaryLouise - yes, the getting through the day thing works. I'm not sure these things 'get any easier' but we can get 'better' at managing them and building our 'resilience' to use a current buzz-word.
There isn't any alternative. We have to 'lean into' these things. Grief doesn't go away. We learn to live with it. That's been my experience anyway.
Love and peace to all who have loved and lost.
Seconded.
No way round that.
🕯🕯🕯
Excuse my sporadic thoughts and posts.
Firstly, rationally and in the cold light of day, I can 'deal' with the situation I described upthread. Through wishful thinking, human frailty, 'confirmation bias' and the misreading of what I took to be 'cues', I developed an infatuation that could have been nipped in the bud a 12 month since.
All is not lost. I haven't hurt or embarrassed anyone else. That's a mercy.
My estranged elder daughter appears to be thawing towards me. I received a friendly message from her for the first time in 7 months. That's a mercy.
I'm off an exciting eco-tourism trip soon. I'm involved with things I enjoy. Those are mercies.
'There art thou happy. A pack of blessings lights upon thy back.'
But what this episode has done is rekindle some of the sharper pangs of grief. It's always there, rumbling and gnawing away in the background of course. That doesn't change. That won't shift.
It's not just missing the person and what they meant to you, it's knowing that if you want to see a play, concert or film, then you are more than likely to see it alone. And not have someone to share it with or talk about it with afterwards.
Sure, I can do my amateur dramatics and go to poetry open-mics, but come back to an empty house afterwards. There's no longer any 'special friend's or companion, someone who knows and loves me warts and all.
'But what about Jee-zahz?' the pietists might ask?
Sure. He's there. And Mary and the Saints too these days. I suspect they always were. 😉
But I'm finding that the really tough aspect. I don't begrudge or envy the woman I had a 'crush' on her special friend. She's been through a crushing bereavement. I'm pleased she seems to have found someone new.
It's not that I don't have friends and confidantes. I know a Quaker woman and her husband with whom I can be very open, but they are potentially moving to another town. Not far away but far enough so's I won't bump into them by chance.
I went to an open-mic this evening, just to get out of the house. It was pretty dire. It was good to see people I knew though. That was a mercy.
I'm trying to avoid negativity and self-flagellation. 'You idiot Gamaliel! What were you thinking?' Not always successfully.
It's easy to say, 'Oh, what will be, will be. Learn the lessons and move on ...'
Gee, thanks a bunch!
Ever heard of Job's Comforters?
The comments on this thread I've found most helpful are ones along the lines of, 'Heck! Sorry to hear that.' Or 'Oh shit!'
Not some pious platitudes.
Stuff those.
What can't be cured must be endured. There are no two ways around that.
We may no longer have a special friend, but we have friends. We have loved and we have lost. But we have loved.
Those are mercies.
Thanks everyone.
On the other hand I still think I am going to be able to tell him all about my current holiday when I get home.
I don't know about anyone else but I'm always composing imaginary conversations in my head. It's how I think things through. I imagine myself talking to this, that or the other person - not always close friends or family or people I've had crushes on - but even people I don't encounter very often- depending on what the issue is.
Mrs Gamaliel wouldn't have wanted to trek into the rainforest looking for lemurs. But she'd have wanted to hear about the lemurs.
And she's not here to hear about them.
Sure, we hope and trust she's in a 'better place', but I'll still want to tell her about it.
There's no way around that. We just have to deal with it.
But that's my dad. It must gain a whole extra level when it's your spouse that I cannot comprehend.
Serious question. How does one get 'closure' on that?
A drowning man will clutch at a straw. One day I'm thinking. 'Right. That's it. No chance. Forget about it and move on.'
Later the same day I'm thinking, 'But what if ...?'
It's the Stages of Grief thing. 'Bargaining' and 'Denial' are part of that.
I'm exhausted. Emotionally wrung out and mourning a relationship that never existed or never materialised.
Of course it's nowhere near ascbad as losing a loved one. At least there though you are mourning the loss of someone and something you had together. Here I'm mourning the loss of something that looked promising - and I was getting mixed messages, I'm not making that up - but never actually happened.
Perhaps this happens all the time. Perhaps as a Good Little Evangelical in my youth, I was wrapped in cotton-wool and for better or worse missed most of the vicissitudes of 'dating' and relationships that 'regular folk' go through.
Perhaps I'm just catching up in my 60s with what most people in Western societies experience in their teens, 20s, 30s ...
Sorry to keep on, but I feel as if I'm in a Club Sandwich made of Grief. A layer of Grief for my Late Wife, another layer of Grief for a Relationship that Never Was.
A Double Shit Sandwich.
Easy to say, 'Just throw it in the bin.'
But what if you were checking to see whether there was at least a smidgeon of bacon amongst the compressed layers of turd?
Hardly appetising even if their were.
Anyhow, enough of the scatalogical metaphors. Grief over my dead wife I can handle. I've got used to that. I can lay flowers at her grave as I did earlier today. I don't want a monument to this later layer of thin air and what has never been.
I know I'll get through it, but is it a case of wait until time washes it away or conduct some kind of Closure Ceremony?
Or are these even the right questions to ask?
When it comes to grief, I don’t think there are any wrong questions.
I think I'll get over it and move on and probably pretty quickly too. I've got things to get involved with and that will certainly help. The pain and disappointment is quite acute but whatever does not kill us makes us stronger.