On the prospect of late middle age / old(-er) age
The_Riv
Shipmate
in Epiphanies
It's not sitting well with me. For all intents and purposes I'm just fine (and grateful for that). I don't, or can't seem to sleep through the night any more, and I've started keeping a list of what are now regular aches and pains. Those things don't really bother me. But the summers and sunsets I have remaining are surely fewer than the sunsets and summers I've seen, and that does bother me. I understand that I'm not going to be able to read all of the books I want to, and that bothers me. I'm not able to spend my free time with the people I'd like to most, and that bothers me. A lot. Etcetera.
So, if you're in a similar stage of life, or have found that you've moved beyond it gracefully, please share your experience here, particularly if you strained against it at the onset. Of course, the idea of an afterlife doesn't register/resonate with me any more, so that's one thing that definitely won't help, but it'd be nice for some encouraging and inspiring news from the more experienced among us.
So, if you're in a similar stage of life, or have found that you've moved beyond it gracefully, please share your experience here, particularly if you strained against it at the onset. Of course, the idea of an afterlife doesn't register/resonate with me any more, so that's one thing that definitely won't help, but it'd be nice for some encouraging and inspiring news from the more experienced among us.
Comments
This past Friday I went to a 75th birthday party for an old college roommate. Turns out many of my peers were in worse shape than I am. One man who had been a college basketball player still looked in top shape until he told me he has survived six heart attacks. Another old friend has had a stroke.
Age is something a few of us have the privilege of reaching. My advice: keep your weight down. Move. Do community activities. Keep busy.
I retired at 60 and have loved retirement. Had four grandchildren, gone back to being a musician (a couple of my bits and bobs are about to be published by the RSCM, which is a bit thrilling) learned to ride a motorbike and have travelled Europe with my wife on pillion. Took photography courses. Had enough money for a couple of spectacular holidays.
Health has held up until now. But at this age things start to go wrong. Dicky ticker, slightly dodgy colon. I tire very easily. Walking is not much fun. I seem to hate gloomy winter days more than I ever did.
But I still have all my marbles, though the memory is much less reliable.
I know I'm on the "home straight/final lap" and thats OK. I know one of us will go before the other and I worry about who will cope better - I am blessed at having had 45 years of married happiness, so that worry is a big one. Our children have all moved away and aren't immediately at hand - that adds to it. But we have excellent church friends who will rally round.
Being on the other side of that has been interesting, On one hand, my doctor brother warned me that for quite a while, I’d likely obsess over every little chest discomfort, and that proved to be the case. Four years later, I’m finally getting better in that regard, at least on good days. But GERD proved to be a major stress factor.
On the other hand, an event like that can certainly put one’s mortality in perspective. It’s not something I focus on, but it’s pretty much somewhere in the back of my mind all the time, and I’ve more or less made peace with it—more peace than I had before my medical adventures. I did retire one year after the heart attack and surgery, and that was definitely a Good Thing. I get to spend more time doing what I want to do, and I’m no where near as stressed (except when GERD flared up). I would like to see my kids get a little more settled; not that they’re unsettled, but they’re not done with schooling, etc.
Congrats on the publishing, @Alan29!
What I do dread is becoming unable to manage, now that I am on my own. I am fortunate in having family not far away. I have no wish to live for years and years in pain or mental or physical decline. But so far I am doing ok.
In a way since Mr P died I am freer to do more eg travel, but if I don’t do it in the next couple of years I feel it will be too late. I don’t have a bucket list, though I would like to see my grandchildren launched in their careers. The youngest is 16.
I am a firm believer in an afterlife. This belief is strengthened each time a close relative dies.
It's tough and it doesn't get any easier. I thought we'd grow old together.
I'm pretty active and involved with things. I run a poetry group. I do amateur dramatics. I'm researching for a possible novel. I win the occasional poetry prize and get published in magazines and journals every so often.
I now sing (or chant) in the choir.
I've stepped away from local politics in order to do stuff I like doing.
But there's still that constant, dull ache. Yes, we start to lose people. My mother and my mother-in-law within this last year. My elder daughter is still not speaking to me and seems to blame me for everything that's wrong in the world.
But we press on. I've just got back from 6 days in Portugal. I don't mind travelling alone but do daft things like walking for miles in the heat of the day. I get talking to people, find myself having convivial evenings with couples I meet on my travels. I'm quite gregarious, but something of an introvert at the same time.
I'm not as fit as I was and find my hikes and cycling excursions harder going. But I keep going. I'm off on an eco-tourism trip to Madagascar later in the year. If I'm spared, I'll probably do more group activities in future rather than heading off on my own
I still get crushes on people. I struggle with that. I did start a relationship with someone a while after my wife died. Nothing really developed and I'm glad it didn't as I'm sure it wouldn't have been right for either of us.
I s'pose I'm in a good position. I have no financial worries now. I am still fit and active and know that this won't last indefinitely. I know there are books I won't read, places I won't visit but I've lived a life that's full, I've travelled each and every by way ...
I'm in a good position but the ache doesn't go away.
I'm expecting to work until retirement age as we couldn't buy a house until 2015, so will be paying that off until close to retirement - unless parents falling off their perches enrichens us, but that won't be fun, and I'm certainly not planning around that - it's theirs to do what they want with and if Battersea gets the lot, bully for them.
On the other hand, already this year I've had two broods of birdies in my nestboxes and a pair of swifts are snuggled up less than 10 feet away from where I type this now. That makes me pretty damn happy. I can still get round the cricket pitch, and am hoping to emulate a colleague who is still playing at 77, and in 2-3 years I should make my century in terms of blood donations. I saw the aurora on Friday night. My garden is coming on nicely, I'm finally getting that cottage garden untidiness I so love, and it's attracting wildlife. Though the allotment is looking like a disaster already this year... At the risk of annoying a few people, I'm much the same weight as I was at 25 - though my cholesterol has caught up with me!
All in all... it could be worse, as a Brit I can only say "Mustn't grumble!"
I have spent most of my working life with people struggling with disability or illness. On the whole, the people who are interested in other people, things, or ideas, seem to remain happier for longer.
I’m intending to carry on working while I still enjoy it (though hope to drop to 3 days once I turn 60) and to do other things I enjoy as well.
My husband (who is slightly younger) finds it a lot harder to find happiness, and worries about minor things constantly when there isn’t anything imminent and major to worry about. I find this intensely frustrating.
I'm conscious of having both adult children at home and them needing to move into their adult lives. We try to be a backstop and a support as best we can, but it does get wearing. We'd pretty much ditched our parents except for family events and socialising from our early 20's.
Our health is OK though both overweight and lifestyle changes are making small improvements, but not providing results that the GP finds satisfying. Husband not interested in making any changes at all, which is frustrating. I think to myself that I just need to keep moving and do some gardening most days. I also walk but prefer short bursts to long distances. I'm going to try to increase that.
For me the biggest hurdle is dealing with regret. No real career success, marriage has had some high points but many lows and I would possibly never have become a parent, oh well. Too late now. Ho hum, onwards and upwards.
I'm not anticipating the arrival of grandchildren any time soon, if ever. One child is infertile and the other has indicated a preference to adopt if and when it's appropriate. I feel slightly sad, but realise this will be yet another thing that we don't have in common with our peer group and anticipate that sadness may increase over time.
Husband is a workaholic now and I am not sure how he will manage with retirement when it comes. He's always been very outward focussed, whereas I enjoy pottering at home. I would like to do a big trip at some point, never having travelled, but don't know if finances will permit that. We may need to provide support in both time and finances to the cancer survivor kid to get them established. I'm not talking about house buying, but more a support in education and further training post school. I'm waiting for my pension to begin to support that.
In terms of life eternal, I know as a younger person I relished the thought. Now, I think I'll be looking forward to a good long rest.
I have one daughter who's 33 and vehemently against having children. That makes me a bit sad as I'd love to be a grandmother, but I've come to terms with the knowledge it's not going to happen.
My parents are both gone, as are my aunts and uncles, and my older brother is in very bad shape, having had a stroke in 2020,
So I go on day by day, as cheerful as I can be, and I'm doing pretty well.
Amen. ❤️
Sending hugs. Missing my own Cubby too. Trusting that we’re both in Jesus’ hands and that we will meet again, and till then that he’s as present with me as he’s allowed to be.
I am rapidly approaching full retirement and honestly I can't wait. I want to be able to enjoy my retirement years - at least as long as I have reasonable health.
Like others, I am having to come to terms with the reality that there are some things I can no longer do. I enjoy walking but I am having to adjust my expectations of what I can reasonably do. I hope, once retired, to be in a place where I can start cycling again but I know that I will need to be careful about how much I do and how far I go.
If I am honest, my biggest fear as I get older is that of dementia. I have seen too many people go down that road. These days, when I forget a name or something I think I "ought" to know, it worries me that this is the beginning of a slippery slope.
I still do some voluntary work but don't miss my political involvement, although I miss some of the cut-and-thrust of that and indeed those occasions when I was able to help someone.
The worst thing is that Mrs Gamaliel didn't live long enough to join me in retirement. I can't visit an art gallery, attend a concert or visit an historic site or scenic place without wishing she was there to enjoy it with me.
I'm getting more involved with church. I could only attend irregularly due to caring commitments for my old mother in law. That's important to me but don't want to get swamped by it. There are people there whose lives seem to consist of nothing but church related activity.
I can get a bit down. I recognise that with a wide range of interests and no financial worries and, for the time being at least, a good state of health and reasonable level of fitness, I'm in an enviable position.
Yet the ache remains.
I daresay it's a case of 'managing' that, of 'working with the difficulty' and of adopting strategies that help.
My mother is about to turn 91 and has a packed social calendar, which I envy. She was petting alpacas last week! Her life ground to a halt when Dad was diagnosed with cancer, and they were afraid to go or do anything for several years in case Dad caught something while his immune system was compromised by the chemo. I know Mum misses Dad terribly, but after his death friends and family rallied round with visits and trips out for coffee, theatre, exhibitions etc and she hasn't stopped since.
So I have a vision that life could be good into my nineties.
One of my big questions is: What happens when my husband retires? He has been a workaholic for most of our married life. Will retirement be the point at which we rediscover each other and forge a new life together; a blissful second honeymoon? Or will we rediscover each other and find ourselves staring at each other in horror in the manner of Munch's The Scream? We have a long, long list of things we have planned to do together but have not actually done. Some of these things we started planning decades ago; will we ever do them? (These are not difficult or complicated; all that has thwarted us so far has been lack of time. We started talking about visiting Tiree in 1988; my husband's forebears came from there. We have been looking forward to our trip to Tiree for 36 years but have never had the time.)
I have one long-term ambition to fulfil; I have a book to write. (Two books, actually, but there is a big gap in my research for the second). The subject caught my imagination in 1999, and led to my choice of PhD. I have boxes of research notes, all of which would be tipped straight into the paper recycling wheelie bin if I died.
Now I'm 67. My hands still don't work properly but are far better than before the op.
I love being in our little Somerset village. Everything is walkable and there's plenty to do. We do have a car but only use it a couple of times a week.
I'm turning into my Mum - as I'm obsessed with the garden. We are away in Germany visiting our son and family just now - and I have to refrain from constantly asking the house-sitter for photos of the veg to be sure my slug proofing has worked! I get plenty of photos of the dogs so I know they are fine. 🐾🙂
My wife retired some years ago and, although she keeps herself fairly busy with Welsh language classes, Tai Chi and an elders' fitness group, she is quite severely restricted by painful arthritis which obviously has a knock-on effect on things (eg walking) which we could do together. I, on the contrary, am probably fitter now than I've been for many years. My wife likes gardening but can only do a little bit at a time; I do things like lawnmowing or heavier jobs but not from a sense of enjoyment.
Fortunately we are OK from a financial point of view which means we can get to the theatre etc. quite often. I know that a lot of retired folk love spending time with their grandchildren; we don't have a big family and it's difficult, purely for logistical reasons, to meet up very often, which is a shame.
The prospect of not waking up one morning seems weird so I ostrich about it. I suppose my attitude is that, having been baptised soon after birth and had the Last Rites twice, its all a bonus.
My wife likes to keep busy, so she volunteers at the Food Bank, visits the housebound, has a massive allotment, regular coffee mornings and study groups etc. Something scheduled every day.
Me, I'm the opposite. After 25 years of having my time ruled by the school timetable and micromanaged by bells, I like to have as few regular timetabled activities as possible (FREEDOM.) Sunday at 11.00 is the only one. If the weather is good I will be in Wales on my motorbike. If its bad I will be at the computer gossiping on places like this, or playing the organ or composing, or planning bike trips. And I am the chef.
Sometimes it feels like ships passing in the night! But thats fine.
Retirement is not about doing nothing, but about doing something else.
As time has gone by this has become less, but I still have enough to do now and things I want to do - this keeps me contented and interested. When my last day comes, I hope it will be like today.
Generally, the Orthodox don't encourage widowed people to marry again but certainly don't forbid it either. There is someone I'm attracted to and have been for some time. They aren't a believer.
I don't know whether this person is interested in me but a friend is convinced she is, but I don't know what evidence they have for that.
I've discussed it with clergy and they've advised me to keep praying, not to worry about it unduly and not to second-guess any outcomes. Why worry about something that may not happen?
That's sound advice, I think but I still feel in limbo. It feels like an adolescent crush and I don't like feeling this way.
I'd like to be friends with this person and that may be feasible. But I also feel drawn to them romantically and can't shake that off. If it's a late-life adolescent crush it will pass. It's very uncomfortable though. Like being poorly.
I'm trying not to let my mind rush through imaginary scenarios and conversations. Easier said than done.
Prayers please. Of your mercy.
We are supposed to be meeting up for a walk but she says she won't be available until June/July and we've not made any firm arrangements.
It was her suggestion though. She offered to show me round a particular site of environmental interest. When I tried to take her up on that offer she began giving reasons why it wouldn't be feasible, but she said she was open to meeting up.
I have no idea whether she's got cold feet or whether she is waiting for me to suggest a date.
I don't want to appear pushy but neither do I want to appear aloof.
I take your point @Gramps49 and consider it wise advice but at the moment it all feels up in the air.
Don't get me wrong. If we did meet up I'd play things cool and not blurt anything out like a love-sick teenager. But when you live alone you can become prone to over-thinking things and getting 'ideas.'
I was interested in her before but wish this pal of mine hadn't said anything as it's made things 'worse'.
Then there are all the 'what if?' thoughts. What if I shipwreck my faith? What if I make an idiot of myself? What if we both get hurt?
You know how it goes.
This is a big concern for me, too. My father (84 in July) is now in a Memory Care Unit of the very good Nursing Home near my hometown in Western Pennsylvania. He has Lewy Body Dementia. There's no real history of that on his side of the family, and our suspicion (hope) is that his terribly unhealthy lifestyle precipitated it, though I haven't done much research into it (for fear, I'm sure). Conversely, on my mother's side of the family, dementia is par for the course, mostly in the older women of that line. So like you, @Rufus T Firefly, when a word comes a little slowly, or the name of something remains on the tip of my tongue, it gives me pause. I do endure at least one contributing factor for dementia -- I do not sleep through the night. I always get up at least once to go to the bathroom, and fairly often, twice. I'm confident it's because of an enlarged prostate. Even so, interrupted sleep is not good one's neurology, so I do worry about it. I'm fairly introverted, and I value my thought life and don't want it to slip away. I know I may not be aware that it's slipping away mid-slip, but when he was still having lucid spells I saw how deeply the realization of it affected my dad.
I'm sure part of the intensity of my feelings in starting this thread stems from an understanding that *this* life is it, as far as I'm concerned. Time is limited. I don't like my jobs, and I hate feeling like I'm wasting so much time in unfulfilling prospects. I know that's a "me" problem, and I'm working on it. I also don't like where we live. We moved to Mississippi with the idea we'd be here for 3-5 years, and then take "the next step." That was 14 years ago. I know that's also a "me" problem, based on the job issue, and I'm working on it. So there's unhappiness and a few other concerns contributing, and right now it's as if I've been handed a jumbled Rubik's Cube for the first time, LOL, so I'll say again how much I appreciate all of your contributions, even if they aren't all rosy.
Hmmm....
That's me as well. It is extremely rare for me to get through a night without a trip to the loo. And getting back to sleep afterwards can be tricky.
I am an avid watcher of quiz shows (Pointless, Richard Osman's House of Games), partly so that I can keep stretching my brain and making sure I am not forgetting too many facts.
Prayers, definitely! ❤️
But then last year I lost 3 of my oldest friends (and exact contemporaries) in the space of 6 months.
I have a narrow life, physically and socially, as the carer for my husband, being treated these 8 years for cancer. As of now, in remission but very disabled.
Healthwise - as my GP says 'On paper you look great!' I am overweight, under fit, and drink too much. A good day is when nothing hurts too much.
Do I have regrets? Of course. Particularly in the small hours. But otoh, we have heard the chimes at midnight Master Shallow. And looking at the world, and some of the people in it, mortis vincit omnia doesn't seem such a bad thing.
The world's a stage. The trifling entrance fee
Is paid (by proxy) to the registrar.
The Orchestra is very loud and free
But plays no music in particular.
They do not print a programme, that I know.
The cast is large. There isn't any plot.
(source)
I am also very aware that my Mum died at 73 and that she died with dementia in a care home. The thought is not very encouraging.
Can identify with all of that especially being overweight and drinking too much😂
Recently had to care for 86 year old friend after (supposedly minor) day surgery. Reminded me of the ageing process and was more than happy to be there for him. Am only 15 years behind him.
As I hurtle towards the end of my 50s (how did that happen?) I have decided that I need change my life and I will be retiring this year.
Both parents made it into their 70s, but with bad health and towards the end, dementia. None of us can know when our time will be up, but I am working on the hope that I can have at least a decade of doing what I wish to do and being who I would like to be, if I don’t hang around waiting for the official retirement age.
As far as possible, I think I have set up my plans as well as I can:
- pension should be OK to live on, with reserve money for some travel and inevitable house repairs and so on
- my health (as far as I know) is pretty good, I try to run at least three times a week and hit the gym a couple of times each week too
- being an academic, there are still some interesting bits of work I can and will do once retired to keep my mind going (but goodbye to admin!)
Reading through this thread, the main challenges I think I have to handle are:
- shifting my mindset from Big Extended Projects and getting things done efficiently, to smaller scale projects and processes that make the days rewarding
- the risk of loneliness… I have been single for decades and spent too many years focussed on career and project goals… I probably have fewer close friends than most people my age
- what to do when my good health eventually runs out, as it does for everyone
But my goodness, I realise I am so lucky to be able to make the decision to retire now!
I am really sorry for your loss. We all will have to face such losses in time.
May I make a suggestion, though, regarding your late husband's books. Many seminarians in third world countries would love to have those books. While most missionary societies no longer ship books more than five years old, you might consider contacting a seminary in such countries and arrange to ship them there.
When I retired, I shipped most of my books to a seminary through the post. It cost me some money. Had to pay import tax on the other side as well, but the people who received the books really appreciated it.
Some others have gone to British university students. I am currently offering various music books to organists. Several boxes of mixed books have gone to an Oxfam bookshop. I am down to around 400 to disperse now, mainly Christian Ethics, Philosophy of Religion, liturgical books, works of Calvin, Augustine, Luther ( these were Theological college prizes!) and recent books by still living authors. Quite a task.