A professor asked his students to sign a statement that they had not received any outside assistance on the exam.
One anxious student said, "I prayed to God for help. Does that count?"
The professor glanced at the completed exam and replied, "Go ahead and sign. God did not assist you."
I don't know where this came from, but found it lurking in a dark corner of the computer. It must be quite old:
MEP Glenys Kinnock, wife of former Labour
leader Neil, was telling friends that she flew back to
Cardiff from Brussels recently when, on chatting to
the stewardess, she discovered that the two cabin
crew, the second pilot, and the captain were all
female. It was the first time she had been aboard
with an all female crew, and thought it an excellent
advance. So she asked the stewardess if she could
go forward to the cockpit to talk to the crew. "Oh no,
Mrs Kinnock," said the stewardess, "We don't call it
that any more."
A man had been selected to receive the first brain transplant.
He was waiting in pre-op when the surgeon came to him.
"Sir, you get to select the type of brain, we will be transplanting in you."
The man thought that was a good plan. He asked what his options were.
The surgeon replied, "The first brain is from an engineer. It will cost $100 an ounce.
The second brain is from an astrophysicist. It will cost $200 an ounce.
The third brain is from a politician. It will cost $1000 an ounce."
"Wait a minute," said the man, asking, "Why does the brain of a politician cost a $1000 an ounce?"
"Well," said the surgeon, "Engineers and astrophysicists are quite common, but do you know how many politicians we had to go through just to find an ounce?"
Jerry goes into Macy's, into the Feminine Department.
He tells the salesclerk, "My wife says she needs to by a Southern Baptist bra."
The clerk is a little confused. She asks him to repeat the request."
Jerry says, "My wife is a 34B. She says she needs a Southern Baptist bra."
The clerk says, "Now I understand. We don't get many requests for them anymore. We usually get requests for the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Jerry asks, "What is the difference?"
The clerk replies. "The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
Jerry says, "I am probably going to regret this, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do."
The clerk answers, "The Southern Babtist bra makes mountains out of molehills."
Happened today. My wife told our lunch host that we had to leave soon because I had a date with an X-ray technician. Without hesitation he said, "She'll see right through him!"
Comments
One anxious student said, "I prayed to God for help. Does that count?"
The professor glanced at the completed exam and replied, "Go ahead and sign. God did not assist you."
MEP Glenys Kinnock, wife of former Labour
leader Neil, was telling friends that she flew back to
Cardiff from Brussels recently when, on chatting to
the stewardess, she discovered that the two cabin
crew, the second pilot, and the captain were all
female. It was the first time she had been aboard
with an all female crew, and thought it an excellent
advance. So she asked the stewardess if she could
go forward to the cockpit to talk to the crew. "Oh no,
Mrs Kinnock," said the stewardess, "We don't call it
that any more."
Yes. They're a leg end.
‘Cause he only has little legs.
He was waiting in pre-op when the surgeon came to him.
"Sir, you get to select the type of brain, we will be transplanting in you."
The man thought that was a good plan. He asked what his options were.
The surgeon replied, "The first brain is from an engineer. It will cost $100 an ounce.
The second brain is from an astrophysicist. It will cost $200 an ounce.
The third brain is from a politician. It will cost $1000 an ounce."
"Wait a minute," said the man, asking, "Why does the brain of a politician cost a $1000 an ounce?"
"Well," said the surgeon, "Engineers and astrophysicists are quite common, but do you know how many politicians we had to go through just to find an ounce?"
What do you call a pigeon heading to Aviemore?
A sgian dhu.
I used to get all lathered up.
But now I am clean.
The lorry then careened down the road and hit a car from Loughborough, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside.
One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, had a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnessed the entire event and quickly called to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asked the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
I reckon I've got a chess infection.
A. Take away their brooms!
It's his altar ego.
To be fair, the people being photographed tried to warn him...
I must be getting old, it took me a couple of seconds to get that one!
They'd crack each other up.
@Sparrow, me too!
I still don't get it!
That's about the level most of my jokes are at.
He tells the salesclerk, "My wife says she needs to by a Southern Baptist bra."
The clerk is a little confused. She asks him to repeat the request."
Jerry says, "My wife is a 34B. She says she needs a Southern Baptist bra."
The clerk says, "Now I understand. We don't get many requests for them anymore. We usually get requests for the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Jerry asks, "What is the difference?"
The clerk replies. "The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
Jerry says, "I am probably going to regret this, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do."
The clerk answers, "The Southern Babtist bra makes mountains out of molehills."
Did he have them in stiches?