Bad jokes

HarryCHHarryCH Shipmate
This is your incredibly-bad joke thread. Here are a few not guaranteed to be actually funny:

Why won't Dracula attack Mick Jagger? Because you can't get blood from a Stone.

Why won't Dracula attack Gene Simmons? Professional courtesy.

How can we diagnose the difference between bubonic plague and pneumonic plague? Ask
the patient to return tomorrow.

How can you tell whether the bear chasing you is a brown bear or a grizzly bear?
Climb a tree; the brown bear will climb it after you and the grizzly will just knock the tree down.
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Comments

  • [Only works in Scotland] What do you call a poster entirely comprised of one or more faces?
    A puster.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    I had a bottle of sparkling water but left the lid off. It’s not sparkling any more, but it’s still water.
  • If you're looking for bad jokes, what about the UK's likely next prime minister? But perhaps that remark is inappropriate here.
  • [Only works in Scotland] What do you call a poster entirely comprised of one or more faces?
    A puster.

    What do you call a man a' covered in wee chuckies?
    Harald.
  • What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
  • A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a pint of beer and a mop.
  • Why was the sand wet?

    Because the seaweed.
  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host
    I have about three jokes at my disposal, and rarely remember all three on the same day.

    Q. How do you catch a Unique Rabbit?
    A. Unique up on it. (you (s)neak up on it.)

    Q. How do you catch a Tame Rabbit?
    A. Tame way. Unique up on it.
  • Why was the sand wet?

    Because the seaweed.

    I thought that was why the lobster blushed.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    No. The lobster blushed because it saw the ship’s bottom.
  • Q: What do you call a cross female tax inspector?
    A: A vampire
  • TelfordTelford Deckhand, Styx
    The population of Ireland's capital city is really growing.
    In fact, it's Dublin.
  • Three elderly men were travelling on a train in the English Midlands. It came to a station, and one of them looked out of the window, 'It's Wednesbury!' he said.
    'No, it's Thursday,' said the next man.
    'Thirsty?' said the third man. 'I am! Lt's all get off and have a drink.'
  • Sounds like the weather forecast: "Today it will be sunny. Tomorrow it will be muggy. Then tuggy, weggy, thurgy and freigy ...".
  • How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
    Deep pan, crisp and even.
  • MooMoo Kerygmania Host
    Q: What is harder than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?

    A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    How do know if an elephant has been in your fridge?

    There are footprints in the butter.
  • How do you elephants have been having it away on your front garden?

    Grass is flat and the dustbin liner is missing.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    How do elephants get down from trees?

    They sit on the leaves and wait for autumn.
  • What's grey and comes in pints?

    An elephant.
  • What's grey and comes in pints?

    An elephant.

    😂🤣😂🤣 Thank you.
  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host
    Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

    So they can hide in the cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

    It works!

  • I thought they painted the soles of their feet yellow so they couldn't be seen when hiding upside-fown in a bowl of custard.
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    How do elephants hide when there aren't any cherry trees?
    The males paint their balls orange and hide in a mango tree.

    What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
    A giraffe eating mangos.
  • When Billy Joel's house caught fire, the fire marshal said it was from a faulty game console, but Joel swore the Wii didn't start the fire.
  • Here, I heard elephants painted their toenails red to hide in strawberry patches.
  • What's yellow and dangerous?

    Shark infested custard.
  • My daughter wanted animal jokes yesterday and among the hedgehog ones was on I couldn't read out:

    Q: What's the difference between a hedgehog and a police car?
    A: With a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside. :hushed:
  • A banana walks into a pub and the barman is an orange.

    The orange says to the banana - "what'll you have?"

    The banana says to the orange - "I'll have a freshly-squeezed orange juice please"

    Now the orange is quite thick-skinned and doesn't mind this (see what I did there) but it is a busy pub in the City, full of apples and pears getting their lunchtimes drinks (see what I did there again) and what with one thing and another it is fifteen minutes later and the banana still hasn't got a drink.

    Now the banana is a busy banana with places to go and other fruit to see, so says to the orange - "Can't you hurry it up a little?"

    And the orange says: "Well, you can see I'm really busy here, could you just hang on a couple of minutes?"

    And the banana says, "I'm sorry, but I really have to press you...."

    BOOM BOOM

    P.S. This is my own personal joke which I invented out of my own head, please tell it to as many people as possible because my dream is that some day someone will tell it back to me... but it has to be real...

  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    What the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

    A bull has horns at the front and an arsehole at the back.
  • Why was Six scared of Seven?

    Because Seven ate Nine.
  • stetson wrote: »
    Why was Six scared of Seven?

    Because Seven ate Nine.

    Why was Yoda afraid of Seven?

    Because Six Seven ate.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    What did zero say to eight?



    Nice belt!
  • Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the first one would have seen it.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    What did the slug say to the snail?

    'Big Issue, sir?'
  • TrudyTrudy Heaven Host
    A banana walks into a pub and the barman is an orange.

    The orange says to the banana - "what'll you have?"

    The banana says to the orange - "I'll have a freshly-squeezed orange juice please"

    Now the orange is quite thick-skinned and doesn't mind this (see what I did there) but it is a busy pub in the City, full of apples and pears getting their lunchtimes drinks (see what I did there again) and what with one thing and another it is fifteen minutes later and the banana still hasn't got a drink.

    Now the banana is a busy banana with places to go and other fruit to see, so says to the orange - "Can't you hurry it up a little?"

    And the orange says: "Well, you can see I'm really busy here, could you just hang on a couple of minutes?"

    And the banana says, "I'm sorry, but I really have to press you...."

    BOOM BOOM

    P.S. This is my own personal joke which I invented out of my own head, please tell it to as many people as possible because my dream is that some day someone will tell it back to me... but it has to be real...

    I like this much better than most Bad Jokes.
  • Thank you Trudy - that is possibly the nicest thing anyone has said about this joke in the 20 years or so that I have been telling it :)
  • LatchKeyKidLatchKeyKid Purgatory Host
    Why do scientists prefer to work with lawyers rather than rats?

    Because there are things that rats won't do.

    (I heard this from a lawyer on the ABC Law Report)
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

    To see his flat mate
  • Spike wrote: »
    Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

    To see his flat mate

    There was me thinking it was to prove he had guts.
  • No, he was trying to do too much and spread himself too thinly.
  • Ahem!
  • No offence ..... !
  • TelfordTelford Deckhand, Styx
    For 20 years I left the top of the toothpaste and my wife was always complaining about it. I resolved to change my ways and stopped doing it. I didn't say anything but I was hoping for some praise. There was silence on the matter for a week. She then suddenly said, "Why have you stopped brushing your teeth ?"
  • Authentic pre-war bad taste Jewish joke, told to Stephen Spender and recounted by him in a book about a post-1948 visit to Israel [Trigger Warning: Some shipmates may find what follows inappropriate, distressing or offensive.]
    Hitler and Goering were walking hrough a Berlin street market. Goering maintained that Jews were cleverer than Germans, but Hitler disagreed.
    'I'll prove it', said Goering, and went up to a crockery stall run by a German.
    'Do you have a left-handed cup?' he asked.
    'A left-handed cup?' said the man, scratching his head. 'No, sir, I've never heard of such a thing.'
    They walked on, and came to another crockery stall, run by a Jew.
    'I want to buy a cup,' said Goering.
    'Here you are, sir,' said the man, lifting one up. 'Good quality, 50 pfennig.'
    'No good, I'm afraid. I wanted a left-handed one.'
    'Well, sir,' said the man, turning it round, 'You're in luck, they're quite rare. But I just have this one left. To you, sir, one mark.'
    Goering paid up, took the cup, and he and Hitler walked on.
    'That proves my point, I think,' he said.
    'I don't see that at all, said Hitler. 'It was just lucky he had one.'
  • A weasel walks into a bar. The barman says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"


    "Pop!" goes the weasel.
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    Authentic pre-war bad taste Jewish joke, told to Stephen Spender and recounted by him in a book about a post-1948 visit to Israel [Trigger Warning: Some shipmates may find what follows inappropriate, distressing or offensive.]
    Hitler and Goering were walking hrough a Berlin street market. Goering maintained that Jews were cleverer than Germans, but Hitler disagreed.
    'I'll prove it', said Goering, and went up to a crockery stall run by a German.
    'Do you have a left-handed cup?' he asked.
    'A left-handed cup?' said the man, scratching his head. 'No, sir, I've never heard of such a thing.'
    They walked on, and came to another crockery stall, run by a Jew.
    'I want to buy a cup,' said Goering.
    'Here you are, sir,' said the man, lifting one up. 'Good quality, 50 pfennig.'
    'No good, I'm afraid. I wanted a left-handed one.'
    'Well, sir,' said the man, turning it round, 'You're in luck, they're quite rare. But I just have this one left. To you, sir, one mark.'
    Goering paid up, took the cup, and he and Hitler walked on.
    'That proves my point, I think,' he said.
    'I don't see that at all, said Hitler. 'It was just lucky he had one.'
    Why's that in bad taste or potentially inappropriate? It makes fun of Hitler and the Jewish stall owner is the hero of that story - or does that now make it offensive to the pro-Palestinian lobby?

    I'd query though whether it's eligible for this thread, simply because it's not a bad joke. It's a very good one IMHO.

    The essence of a bad joke is that it's so obvious it isn't funny, that it elicits a groan rather than a laugh. Telford's toothpaste one is also too good to count as a 'bad joke'. My laugh was genuine. However, I think Sparrow's about the weasel is clever enough to be a very successful groan one.

  • Although Hitler was an Austrian, not a German.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Two birds on a perch. One said to the other “can you smell fish?”
  • "Don't tell him - pike!"
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