When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
This is too good for a bad jokes thread.
I was just about to say the same thing — this one genuinely made me laugh instead of groan.
Yep. The last two about the pearly gates and kilograms definitely have that essential groan quality to qualify. So does @mousethief's response. Thank you.
Did you hear the joke Zelensky told to David Letterman?
Two men meet on the streets of the streets of Kiev
The one asks the other: "How goes the war?"
The other says: "The Russians think they are fighting NATO. So far the Russians have lost 70,000 personnel; lots of their equipment is destroyed, and they are running out of ammo."
The first asks: "And how is NATO doing?"
The second one replies: "NATO has yet to arrive."
Woman goes to doctor.
“Doctor everything huts when I touch it. My nose hurts, my face hurts my ams hurt, my ears hurt as well as my knees and ankles. Doctor what is wrong with me?”
“ You’ve got a broken finger.”
Father Christmas was in a stinking mood. He'd caught the Reindeer smoking weed, had it pointed out that they had to be able to fly somehow, found the elves hadn't mucked out the stable so had to do it himself, and had a rotten cold.
Just as he came out of the stable stinking of muck and his face a mess of snot and filth a fairy appeared and said "I've decorated everywhere with Christmas Trees but I've got one left. What should I do with it?"
And that is the origin of the fairy on the top of the Christmas Tree.
Comments
Doh (thank heaven this is Heaven!)
This is too good for a bad jokes thread.
I was just about to say the same thing — this one genuinely made me laugh instead of groan.
I was staying true to the original one I read. But I did think about adding this.
But I will try to be worse.
What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
Tradescantia.
(A poor thing, but my own.)
Not a bad joke at all .... worthy of 'It's I'm sorry I Haven't a clue''s new dictionary definitions!
Of which I always loved 'Valpolicello' = Mr Doonican's parrot is in the string section.
That is the way I say it.
Snowballs
Trapper - the person reciting rapid rhythmic poetry over a backing track in Yorkshire.
Tumbler - the less boastful of two Yorkshiremen.
Aye, thas 'ow tha says it in these parts.
'Let me in I am a member of the 'MCC.'
'Sorry sir that does not qualify one for entry.'
'But does not membership of the Marylebone Cricket club always qualify one for entry at 'Lords?'
It would cause mass confusion.
Two men meet on the streets of the streets of Kiev
The one asks the other: "How goes the war?"
The other says: "The Russians think they are fighting NATO. So far the Russians have lost 70,000 personnel; lots of their equipment is destroyed, and they are running out of ammo."
The first asks: "And how is NATO doing?"
The second one replies: "NATO has yet to arrive."
{To be told in a Yiddish accent.)
“Doctor everything huts when I touch it. My nose hurts, my face hurts my ams hurt, my ears hurt as well as my knees and ankles. Doctor what is wrong with me?”
“ You’ve got a broken finger.”
Sounds a bit like the Austin Maxi I used to drive.
First you'll log on... (Yule Log on)
Guanciale: greeting used for King Charles’ next visit to the Caribbean.
Artefact - snippet of information about a painting
Shampoo - sparkling wine that is very long past its best.
Champagne - highly corrosive soap for hair washing.
Billet - a very small invoice
Bullet - a very small male bovine
Ballet - a very small ball
Delight - what comes on when you flip de switch
Pennant - an insect scribe.
Exact - the melodramatic performance a previous lover gives whenever your name is mentioned.
Broadside - the ecological destruction of the Norfolk Wetlands.
Deep pan, crisp and even
Excellent!
Just as he came out of the stable stinking of muck and his face a mess of snot and filth a fairy appeared and said "I've decorated everywhere with Christmas Trees but I've got one left. What should I do with it?"
And that is the origin of the fairy on the top of the Christmas Tree.
Waiter: Looks like the backstroke sir
It was ground this morning, sir.
Note: In Spanish 'soy' means 'I am'.