Bad jokes

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  • Spike wrote: »
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Belisarius wrote: »
    Q: How do you sell chickens to a deaf man?

    A: BUY MY CHICKENS!!!!

    The handyman we work with is deaf. He lost his hearing when he was an infant due to a high fever. He went to a deaf school in the area in a time where they discouraged signing. He said he began to understand signing during recess, but after a year he was placed in a hearing school. He hates it when people try shouting at him. He much rather prefers people face him directly so he can lip read. He finds shouting condescending.

    How do you sell chickens to a deaf man?
    Look at him directly and speak normally so he can lip read.

    Nah, the joke doesn’t really work.

    Let me understand: telling jokes about people with disabilities is okay, ergo, telling racist or sexist jokes should also be allowed? If so, I have a ton of those from my misspent youth. I just want clarification.

  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    I would have thought the point of the joke was to satirise the person shouting?

    I remember a TV sketch 'Weather Forecast for the Elderly' which went something like -

    'It is going to be cold tomorrow - COLD. You need to wrap up warm, dear. I said wrap up warm. No, it won't be warm - cold! Nippy! ' (And so on) with all the eye rolling and impatience and talking loudly people all too often use.

    I am old and a good deal deaf myself, and I still think it amusing.
  • MooMoo Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    [quote="mousethief;c-552739"

    Did you know that if you shout loud enough to someone who doesn't speak English, they'll understand what you want?[/quote]

    [tangent]
    I've experienced both sides of this. I lived in Germany for two years a long time ago. My landlady believed that if I didn't understand a word, the thing to do was bellow it repeatedly.

    Now that I have a serious hearing loss, I wish people would bellow one word repeatedly; that way I might get it. W#hat they do is make a much longer utterance with several words I don't get.
    [/tangent]

  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Piglet wrote: »
    Q. How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. CHANGE?!?!?

    You can’t change it, my grandmother donated that lightbulb in 1957
  • Moo wrote: »
    [quote="mousethief;c-552739"

    Did you know that if you shout loud enough to someone who doesn't speak English, they'll understand what you want?

    [tangent]
    I've experienced both sides of this. I lived in Germany for two years a long time ago. My landlady believed that if I didn't understand a word, the thing to do was bellow it repeatedly.

    Now that I have a serious hearing loss, I wish people would bellow one word repeatedly; that way I might get it. W#hat they do is make a much longer utterance with several words I don't get.
    [/tangent]

    [/quote]

    There's a parallel to this in English language learning too; when I ask someone to simplify for the sake of their non-native hearer, they immediately get far more idiomatic. For example, the term "annoy" turns into "get your goat," which will freak out the hearer every time.
  • I was harmlessly occupying my too abundant leisure time by browsing the Internet Archive. That browsing dug up this oldy (the paper was from 1934) but baddy:

    'Yes, my friends," said the theological professor, "some admire Moses, who instituted the old law; some Paul, who spread the new. But after all, which character in the Bible had the largest following?" As he paused, a voice in the back shouted: "Annanias!"
  • My kids got me an alarm clock that instead of beeping plays a recording of people cussing and swearing. That was a rude awakening.
  • Baptist TrainfanBaptist Trainfan Shipmate
    edited October 2022
    Piglet wrote: »
    Q. How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. CHANGE?!?!?

    I thought that was Presbyterians?

    Anyway: how many Charismatic Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Ten - one to change it and nine to share the experience.

    And: how many Orthodoxen does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None - they use only candles.
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    Piglet wrote: »
    Q. How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. CHANGE?!?!?
    One committee to recommend environmentally friendly LEDs, one committee to determine that tungsten light bulbs are the only biblical solution, one committee to recommend the exclusive use of candles, and one House of Bishops to come up with a compromise that pleases nobody.
  • What about a Faculty and Listed Building Consent? That bulb you want to change is an original one by Swan!
  • TrudyTrudy Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Gentle Hostly reminder:

    As we all know, the question of what's funny and what's offensive is a bit of a minefield, and occasionally people who are sharing bad jokes in good faith may disagree. The joke involving the deaf man was clearly borderline for some folks here; jokes about various religious groups changing light bulbs might draw the same complaint, although it's helpful to remember that being (for example) Anglican is not normally considered either a disability or a marginalized identity.

    No Hostly wrist-slaps are being issued here, just a gentle reminder to focus on the badness of your jokes and do your best not to offend. If someone posts a joke that makes you want to start a serious discussion about "What's an appropriate subject for humour?" or "When has a joke gone too far?" please do start that discussion -- in Purgatory, not on this thread.

    Trudy, Heavenly Host
  • Yes, Ma'am - will comply.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    I’ve just heard that Paul McCartney has been disqualified from next year’s London Marathon. Yes, he’s been banned on the run.
  • Bad taste joke rather than 'Bad'. I enjoy this old one from Italy.
    A man gos to see his priest.
    'Father, there is something that is troubing my conscience.'
    'What is that, my son?'
    'During the war, I let a Jew hide in my attic.'
    'That was no sin, but an act of charity.'
    'But I charged him rent.'
    'Well, you were putting yourself at risk.'
    'But do I have to tell him the war is over now?'
  • How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
    10. one to change the bulb, eight to say they preferred the old one, and one to say the previous vicar would never have allowed such a thing.
  • Before the invention of the crowbar, crows used to drink at home.
  • If thieves wear Sneakers, and
    Artists wear Sketchers, Then
    want do Linguists wear?
  • Well, what do they wear?
  • That is a cunning question.
  • Lingerie?
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Speakers?
  • I may be as thick as pig dribble. I don't get it either!
    Is that why it's bad?
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    No, nor do I. I'm wondering whether there's something that's inaudible on this side of the Atlantic.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    Google reveals the answer to be Converse™ shoes
  • BroJames wrote: »
    Google reveals the answer to be Converse™ shoes

    Oh right. Never heard of them.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Still don't get it. So, for a bad joke, this one counts as pretty successful.
  • Enoch wrote: »
    Still don't get it. So, for a bad joke, this one counts as pretty successful.

    Presumably linguists converse.
  • TrudyTrudy Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    It's one of those transatlantic blind spots that it wouldn't have occurred to me that people in the UK wouldn't recognize the brand, although there's no reason it should be global. I wear Converse pretty much every day.
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    The David Tennant version of the Doctor wore Converse sneakers IIRC.
  • Trudy wrote: »
    It's one of those transatlantic blind spots that it wouldn't have occurred to me that people in the UK wouldn't recognize the brand, although there's no reason it should be global. I wear Converse pretty much every day.

    I am aware of Converse as a brand of footwear, but it has never occurred to me to describe my shoes by their brand name.
  • Here is a picture of a buffalo with wings

    There is some controversy about how Buffalo Wings were created. The basics of the story is that a sports bar in Buffalo New York got a shipment of frozen chicken wings instead of what they ordered. So the owner fried them up with BBQ sauce and served them with ranch dressing and a celery stick. They were first served in 1964. They are like a finger food one would have at a sports bar, watching a football game (American or International), Keep a lot of paper towel or serviettes around. Good with beer.
  • Trudy wrote: »
    It's one of those transatlantic blind spots that it wouldn't have occurred to me that people in the UK wouldn't recognize the brand, although there's no reason it should be global. I wear Converse pretty much every day.

    I know of the brand, and I know that some people do refer to them just by the brand. So now I know, I get it.

    But it is a US convension, I think. Over here we tend not to refer to the brand so much as the style or type, unless they are specifically different (I have referred to my shoes as my Allbirds, but that is only because they are quite diffferent from other shoes I might have).
  • There are generational differences too. My 22 year old daughter refers to her Converses. Took me a while to work out she was talking about shoes!
  • TrudyTrudy Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    I forgot about the Tenth Doctor wearing Converse!

    Yes, it probably is just a question of whether you call them by name or not. I don't think I'd refer to most other shoes by their brand name, but Converse (and maybe Vans) are to me so associated with the brand name that's what I would always call them. I believe that what I think of as the classic-looking Converse are actually called Converse Chuck Taylors and some people used to call them Chucks, also.

    Sorry, as a Heavenly Host I should know better than to prolong such an unrelated tangent but I did find this one interesting ... please return to your regularly scheduled Bad Jokes.
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    edited November 2022
    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    The Doctor.
    Doctor Who?
    That's right.
  • Dafyd wrote: »
    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    The Doctor.
    Doctor Who?
    That's right.

    My school playground from 1976 called and asked for its joke back.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    edited November 2022
    Of all the inventions
    of the past 100 years,
    the dry eraser board
    is the most remarkable.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    A man took his sick dog to the vet's. The vet took a long look at it and said,
    "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do that can give this dog a happy and cheerful future. All I can recommend is that you say good bye to him. It will be painless."
    "I feel I owe it to my friend to get a second opinion".
    "I can do that, but I'm afraid there's a charge"
    "Very well".
    To his surprise, the vet opens the door and a cat comes in, walks round the patient, tosses its head and then goes out again. Then he calls in a dog which does the same looking abjectly sad.
    Then the vet gives the man a bill.
    'That will be £150 + VAT".
    "How come? What for?"
    The vet points to the bill.
    "Cat scan - £75.
    Lab test - £75".

  • Er, was the dog a Labrador? Both add up to a PET (postron emmission tomography) scan!
    Nice.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Yes. A Labrador, or, I suppose, these days it could be a Labradoodle.
  • Enoch wrote: »
    Yes. A Labrador, or, I suppose, these days it could be a Labradoodle.

    Except labradoodles aren't called "labs" they're called "doodles."
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Two birds were sitting on a perch. One said to the other “can you smell fish?”
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    If thieves wear Sneakers, and
    Artists wear Sketchers,
    And, Linguists were Converse--

    What do gymnasts wear?*

    *New Balance.
  • A priest, a minister and a rabbi went to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit 'What is your blood group?'
    The rabbit replied, 'I think I'm a Type O.'
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    A priest, a minister and a rabbi went to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit 'What is your blood group?'
    The rabbit replied, 'I think I'm a Type O.'

    Took me time but it's NOT a bad joke

  • Made me giggle, @Eirenist.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Eirenist wrote: »
    A priest, a minister and a rabbi went to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit 'What is your blood group?'
    The rabbit replied, 'I think I'm a Type O.'

    OUTSTANDING
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    edited November 2022
    I agree. It's too good to count as a bad joke.

    But thanks @Eirenist for posting it. It made me laugh, whereas the essence of a bad joke is that if you get it at all - the shoes ones I haven't got - it makes you groan. I can confirm that I groaned the first time I heard the dog at the vet one.

  • Hey, it took me all last night to figure out the gymnastic line.
  • Should have been 'rabbit' in first line of joke. Have I been autocorrected?
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