This bloke goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I'm absolutely desperate to lose weight. I'm so unhappy, I've tried everything. I've been on every diet that you can think of, meat free, salads, liquid diets, you name it, I've tried it. I've even considered Gastric Band surgery. Just don't know what to do!" Doctor says "There is one way that you could lose weight. I've only recommended it once before but the results were pretty impressive" Bloke says "Doctor, I'll try anything. I'm at my wit's end" Doctor says "Right, for 2 weeks, NO food by mouth, and when I say NO food by mouth, I seriously mean it. For the next 2 weeks, any foods that you plan to intake must be inserted up your bottom" Bloke says "Are you serious, up my bottom?" Doctor says "Yes, if you want this to work. Do this for 2 weeks and I'll see you in a fortnight, but we'll weigh you first" So the Bloke goes home and for the next fortnight feeds any food that he fancies, up his bottom. When he sees his Doctor 2 weeks later, the Doctor weighs him and says "You've lost 6lbs, brilliant. Carry on for a month and I'll see you back here in 4 weeks" 4 weeks later he goes back to the doc's, gets weighed and the doc tells him that he's lost 2 stone. He thinks, this is absolutely amazing. Doc says "Right, this seems to be working absolutely brilliantly. Carry on doing what you're doing and I'll see you in 6 weeks this time" So 6 weeks later the Bloke goes wiggling into the surgery. The doctor notices the way he's walking but says nothing. He gets weighed and the doctor says "Wow, you've lost 5 stone, congratulations, this is fantastic" The Bloke continues to wiggle around the room, completely elated. He says "Doctor, if I lose 2 more stone, I'll be down to my original weight. I'll be so happy. This diets been brilliant for me" Doctor says " Ok, we'll carry on for 2 more weeks and that should do it. Well done, you've almost achieved your goal. You've done really well" The Bloke wiggles out into the corridor just as the doctor stops him and says "Could I just ask you a personal question?" Bloke says "Of course you can, what is it?" Doctor says "I've noticed that the past couple of times you've come here, you're walking so much differently. It's more of a waddle than a walk. Is there any reason for this?" Bloke says "Yes doctor......
I'm chewing a toffee.............................."
Man goes to the doctor. Doctor, something is so wrong. I don't know what it is. Listen to my thigh.
Doctor puts his ear to the man's thigh. The thigh seems to be saying I need $20.
Doctor is dumbfounded. He does not know what is causing this.
Man says There's more. Listen to my knee.
Doctor listens to the knee.
Knee is saying I need $10,
Doctor is amazed. He has never seen or heard anything like this before.
Man says there is still more. Listen to my ankle.
Doctor listens to the ankle.
Ankle is saying, I need $5.
Doctor has never seen anything like this in his medical journals.
Man asks, What is going on.
Doctor says, I can find nothing in my medical journals about this. I have never seen or heard of this before. But based on life experience, it seems to me your leg is broke in three places.
Were Chris Eubank, the former boxer, to say "Essex", the county in which Colchester lies, it would sound like "ethics".
Boom Boom I liked it (and I come from Essex). It makes me want to tell an Essex girl joke, but rather like I used to tell my kids when they were small, poo jokes are only OK if they are funny - and my Essex girl ones are not. So instead - a priest, an imam and a rabbit go to give blood. The priest and the imam were type A+, but the rabbit was a type-o.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert.
One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon.
"A bacon tree! We're saved!" he says.
He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree; it was a ham bush.
I like it @Gramps49 ! Spiderman and I have some similarities - he can do everything a spider does, and I too crawl around on the floor where I am not wanted.
Overheard at the Catholic school (walking down the hallway by Religion classes): kid "the answer is ALWAYS JESUS!" patient teacher: "not when we're studying the Old Testament".
A builder was asked by a neighbour to build a strong wall 6 foot high which could cope with stong winds ,
When he was invited to see the finsished work he saw that it was 6ft high and 6ft wide.
"I didn't ask for that" said the house owner. "You said you wanted it to cope with high winds". said the builder. "If this one blows over it will still be 6ft high."
My mom only went to one parents evening.
She was told that I was in a class of my own. "I never realised that he was so clever", she said". The teacher replied, " He's not Mrs Telford. He smells.
This one’s a joke I heard in college which is both dirty and obscure.
A paramecium walks into a bar. It says “I’m so thirsty I could lick the cytoplasm off an anthracis bacilli pilli.” And this other bacterium looks over from across the bar and says, “Moo.”
A variety agent happened to be walking though a factor when he saw a man do a double back somersault followed by a triple front somersault. I need to hire this man he said and asked for his name. "You will also need to hire the chap who hit his hand with the slegdehammer" he was told
"Shutting the laptop lid the moment your wife walks into the room is much easier to explain when it's near her birthday. How you explain your trousers being round your ankles is however up to you"
"Shutting the laptop lid the moment your wife walks into the room is much easier to explain when it's near her birthday. How you explain your trousers being round your ankles is however up to you"
Comments
It's the chorus he wants: lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie....
There's a nap for that.
She watched him very closely.
Finally, she confronted him.
"Johnny," she said, "I think you are cheating."
Johnny said, "Prove it."
"Well," the teacher said, "Today during the history test, the first question was, 'who is the father of the United States?"
Penny wrote down, "George Washington." And you did too,
Johnny said, "That proves nothing, Everyone knows George Washington is the father of our nation.
The teacher went on. "The next question was who freed the slaves?"
Penny wrote down, "Abraham Lincoln." So did you,
Johnny said, "Well, I just happened to study my history lesson last night. It said Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves."
The teacher looked at Johnny. She said the next question was who completed the Louisiana Purchase?
Penny wrote, "I don't know." And you wrote, "Me neither."
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems painful.
Doctor puts his ear to the man's thigh. The thigh seems to be saying I need $20.
Doctor is dumbfounded. He does not know what is causing this.
Man says There's more. Listen to my knee.
Doctor listens to the knee.
Knee is saying I need $10,
Doctor is amazed. He has never seen or heard anything like this before.
Man says there is still more. Listen to my ankle.
Doctor listens to the ankle.
Ankle is saying, I need $5.
Doctor has never seen anything like this in his medical journals.
Man asks, What is going on.
Doctor says, I can find nothing in my medical journals about this. I have never seen or heard of this before. But based on life experience, it seems to me your leg is broke in three places.
Her: The one from Sesame Street.
Him: He doesn't count!
Her: I assure you he does!
(Blame my daughter, not me,)
She was running up that bill....
I'm reading a book about ethics by Chris Eubank.
The chapter on Colchester is fascinating!
I'm in the UK and I'm finding it totally incomprehensible.
Boom Boom
You lost me at who Chris Eubank was - I'd heard the name but no idea where from, although I guessed sports of some kind.
I had no chance of knowing he had a lisp. I was vaguely aware there was a boxer who lisped, but I'd never have joined all those dots.
I can't help thinking that you're punching down here.
Making fun of a speech impediment .... please don't!
One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon.
"A bacon tree! We're saved!" he says.
He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree; it was a ham bush.
He has super vision.
I require supervision.
When he was invited to see the finsished work he saw that it was 6ft high and 6ft wide.
"I didn't ask for that" said the house owner. "You said you wanted it to cope with high winds". said the builder. "If this one blows over it will still be 6ft high."
Anyway, I was visiting him after that, and he asked if I brushed and flossed on a regular basis.
Yes, I said - 3-4 times a year.
LMAO!
They are, aren't they? I don't like innuendos at the best of times,
As a side issue, I love how the word innuendo sounds like an innuendo.
?
She was told that I was in a class of my own. "I never realised that he was so clever", she said". The teacher replied, " He's not Mrs Telford. He smells.
Who brings presents on the anniversary of the Great Schism of 1054?
Filioque Claus!
Fish!
To get to the Other Side!
I told them I never wanted to be
dependent on a machine,
taking fluids from a bottle.
If that happens,
they had my permission to
pull the plug.
and stop the fluids.
They got up,
pulled the plug from my computer,
and threw out my wine.
The bastards.
A variety agent happened to be walking though a factor when he saw a man do a double back somersault followed by a triple front somersault. I need to hire this man he said and asked for his name. "You will also need to hire the chap who hit his hand with the slegdehammer" he was told
An old cowboy with a grizzled face came into the barbershop.
He asked the barber to give him a shave. He said he could not get a clean shave anymore because of his wrinkled skin.
The barber went to a shelf, took out a ball, and asked the cowboy to put it in his cheek, then he shaved the whiskers.
The cowboy was amazed at how clean his face was.
But the cowboy asks: "What would have happened if I had swallowed the ball?"
The barber said, "Oh well, you could bring it back in a couple of days."
"Shutting the laptop lid the moment your wife walks into the room is much easier to explain when it's near her birthday. How you explain your trousers being round your ankles is however up to you"
Sorry. Should I get my coat?
Yes.