A man goes into a library and goes up to the front desk, "Excuse me", he asks the librarian, "have you a got book on assisted suicide?" "We did have one," she replies, "but the person who borrowed it never brought it back".
When Lord Nelson died he was about 5 feet tall. His statue in Trafalger Square is about 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 1 to 3
And don't forget poor old Charles I:
The most interesting thing about King Charles the First
Is that he was 5 foot 6 inches tall at the start of his reign
But only 4 foot 8 inches tall at the end of it
Grandpa phones his doctor in great distress. "please come over straight away, our little grandson's swallowed our Viagra." Doctor puts phone dow and duly gets ready to leave. Then the phone rings. It's grandpa again. "It's alright", he says, somewhat breathlessly, "we found another one!"
Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learnt the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I was talking to some folk recently about musical chords and slightly surprised that some hadn't heard the one about 'What chord do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?'
@Eirenist posting racist content is a violation of C1, we will not tolerate it - you clearly knew this was offensive and therefore I am giving you two weeks shoreleave.
There were once twenty-two performing mice who wanted to sail the seven seas in a fleet of little boats. The idea was that they would raise money for rodent charities by boarding passing ships, giving their show and collecting donations. They tried to divide their personnel and activities equally between each ocean, but they found it very difficult to get funding because sponsors
Not a bad joke as such, but I had a hypothesis this morning that sweetcorn is kept cheap by secret reclamation centers in the sewage processing system.
Not a bad joke as such, but I had a hypothesis this morning that sweetcorn is kept cheap by secret reclamation centers in the sewage processing system.
Sorry. Coar?
You're a sick man, Karl! From which you can guess that I laughed...
When Mrs RR has given me tinned sweetcorn as part of a salad I tell her to flush it straight down the loo. This would, I explain, 'cut out the middle man'. And it would be quicker. But not by very much.
The really old ones are the best. A reGular offering of mt late father: 'Toulon and Toulouse, like Frenchman's trousers.' No offence intended, and it's good to be back, suitably chastised. I will be bigly good, I promise.
Husband: What would you do if I told you I won the lottery?
Wife: I would take half of it and leave you.
Husband: Good. I won $12. Here is $6. Stay in touch.
The British inventor Percy Shaw apparently got the idea for his "cat’s eye" road reflector when he was driving home in the dark one night and saw a cat coming towards him, the headlights reflected in its eyes.
Ken Dodd apparently observed that, if the cat had been walking in the opposite direction, Shaw would have invented the pencil sharpener.
The British inventor Percy Shaw apparently got the idea for his "cat’s eye" road reflector when he was driving home in the dark one night and saw a cat coming towards him, the headlights reflected in its eyes.
Ken Dodd apparently observed that, if the cat had been walking in the opposite direction, Shaw would have invented the pencil sharpener.
Donated blood but shan't bother again. Too many questions. "Whose is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?"
You're a sick man, Karl**. I'm donating on Friday and this was *exactly* the bad joke I needed right now. I'm struggling not to cry laughing. Thank God I wasn't drinking tea.
Donated blood but shan't bother again. Too many questions. "Whose is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?"
You're a sick man, Karl**.
The Holy Spirit hands out their gifts as they deem appropriate. Unfortunately they were probably reading Viz when they were lobbing stuff in my direction.
Our vicar said he was wearing a rose stole this morning, to which the sacristan replied that it was pink not rose because only Jesus rose from the dead!
"What are you doing?" asked the angel.
"Making Canadians," said God.
"Aww, they are so cute," the angel replied.
'Oh, ya? Watch this," said God, as he dropped a hockey puck.
We have friends who have been on cruise ship when there was a norovirus outbreak -not nice!
Mrs Vole says you would have to pay her to go on a cruise holiday...
A married couple in their 60s found a lantern in the sand.
They rubbed it and out came a genie.
The genie grand each one of them a wish.
The wife said she would like to travel around the world
with the love of her life, her husband.
Suddenly, two tickets for a luxury cruise appeared in her hand.
The husband said, "Sorry, I want to take the cruise
with a wife 30 years younger than me."
Suddenly he became 92.
The morale of this story is men need to remember:
All fairies are female.
Comments
And don't forget poor old Charles I:
Shakespeare.
It was a boobie trap.
There is actually takeaway near us called Wok Ness.
And there's the tartan gift shop - Thistle Do.
Grandpa phones his doctor in great distress. "please come over straight away, our little grandson's swallowed our Viagra." Doctor puts phone dow and duly gets ready to leave. Then the phone rings. It's grandpa again. "It's alright", he says, somewhat breathlessly, "we found another one!"
Patient: OMG
'Na? .... Oh ...K?
He He He ......
Ta Ta!
(Probably gets lost in translation.)
I was talking to some folk recently about musical chords and slightly surprised that some hadn't heard the one about 'What chord do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?'
A flat miner
[redacted]
Obectionable, on multiple levels, but still funny, I think. Now, where did I put my tinfoil hat?
(ETA removed offensive material, DT Admin)
@Eirenist posting racist content is a violation of C1, we will not tolerate it - you clearly knew this was offensive and therefore I am giving you two weeks shoreleave.
Doublethink, Admin
[/Admin]
Sorry. Coar?
You're a sick man, Karl! From which you can guess that I laughed...
Wife: I would take half of it and leave you.
Husband: Good. I won $12. Here is $6. Stay in touch.
Ken Dodd apparently observed that, if the cat had been walking in the opposite direction, Shaw would have invented the pencil sharpener.
Or the tea towel holder
You're a sick man, Karl**. I'm donating on Friday and this was *exactly* the bad joke I needed right now. I'm struggling not to cry laughing. Thank God I wasn't drinking tea.
**I may have mentioned this before.
Thank you.
The Holy Spirit hands out their gifts as they deem appropriate. Unfortunately they were probably reading Viz when they were lobbing stuff in my direction.
The SWAT team.
But only a fraction will understand that.
"What are you doing?" asked the angel.
"Making Canadians," said God.
"Aww, they are so cute," the angel replied.
'Oh, ya? Watch this," said God, as he dropped a hockey puck.
Love this one. Keep em coming!
Mrs Vole says you would have to pay her to go on a cruise holiday...
Well, shit.
They rubbed it and out came a genie.
The genie grand each one of them a wish.
The wife said she would like to travel around the world
with the love of her life, her husband.
Suddenly, two tickets for a luxury cruise appeared in her hand.
The husband said, "Sorry, I want to take the cruise
with a wife 30 years younger than me."
Suddenly he became 92.
The morale of this story is men need to remember:
All fairies are female.