A team of three builders arrived to do my loft conversion - an Armenian, an Australian and an Afrikaner. The Armenian and the Australian had a cup of tea and a biscuit on the hour every hour. The Afrikaner saved them all up until the end of the week, then ate the lot and went to sleep for a day. This was because he was a
Yes, the old ones are the best. Here's a vintage 'shaggy dog' probably from the 30s. It may be incomprehensible to US shipmates. Hint: the car makes move down-market.
A man went into a Rolls-Royce showroom. 'I want to buy a car', he said.
'What had Sir you in mind?' asked the salesman.
'Oh, I don't know. I just want, to learn to drive.'
'But sir, these are very large and expensive models. Might I suggest something cheaper, but sturdy and reliable? A Morris, for example?'
So he went to a Morris showroom. 'I want to buy a car, something to learn to drive on. Something cheap and cheerful.'
'Well, sir, if cheap and cheerful is all you're looking for, between ourselves, I'd recommend a Ford.'
So he went to the Ford garage. and told his tale.
'Well, sir, driving is really a matter of road sense. I suggest that you get yourself a bike.'
So he went to the cycle shop. 'Were you looking for a roadster or a sporting bicycle sir?'
'I just want something to learn on.'
'Well, cycling is really just a question of balance, and for that there's nothing like a hoop.'
So, he bought a hoop, and spent many happy days bowling it up hill and down dale until one hot afternoon he stopped at a pub and went in to refresh himself, leaving the hoop propped against a wall. Unfortunately, while he was in the pub, a car backed into the hoop and broke it. The man was furious.
I'm very sorry,' said the driver, 'It was my fault. Look, here's a fiver. Go and get yourself a new hoop.'
'That's all very well,' said the man. 'But how the devil do you expect me to get home?'
No doubt you have wondered why there are no penguins in in the Northern Hemisphere.
It's because of the ice.
Penguins are a highly social bird.
They have many rituals they will follow through with,
Did you know when a male penguin dies on the ice,
its family will work to bury it?
They will open up a hole in the ice with their beaks and vestigial wings.
Then they roll their family member in the hole and cover it up with ice.
Then the male members of the family will circle around the grave
and chant.
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
And you expected me to know my penguins.
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after major surgery and calls a nurse. "My genitals aren't there and what are these strange lumps on my chest?" The nurse replied "Oops. The surgeon has sown your head on backwards."
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again," she replied. So on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk-shake. Then it was off to the cinema - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and ice-cream. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?"
One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
Couple of actually rather good ones from Dave Allen. Those of a certain vintage will remember.
This bloke is about to go into a pub when a nun shouts at him: "You! Yes you! What do you think you're doing? Think of your parents! What would they say?"
"Well, they're both dead actually"
"Think of your brain then! It'll rot your brain, the drink will! Don't do it!"
"Look" the man says "have you ever had a drink?"
"Never let the stuff pass my lips!"
"Well then you don't know what you're talking about, do you? I'll tell you what - I'll buy you a drink, you drink it, then at least you're talking from a bit of knowledge"
"OK" says the nun. "What do women drink anyway?"
The bloke things for a moment and says "Gin?"
"So" the Nun replies "get me a gin, but get it in a cup, not a glass, so no-one knows what I'm doing"
So the bloke walks into the pub and says "A pint of Guinness and a double gin - in a cup"
The barman looks at him and says "Is that bloody nun still out there?!?"
A nun wakes up one morning, gets out of bed, gets dressed, and starts walking towards the Refectory.
Another nun coming the other way looks at her and says "Morning sister. My, you got out of bed the wrong side this morning!"
Perplexed, as she's actually in quite a good mood, she carries on, only for another nun, then another, and another, to say the same thing. Fifteen nuns in total, all saying the same thing.
By the time she gets to the Refectory she's absolutely livid. There stands the Mother Superior.
"I suppose you're going to tell me I got out of the wrong side of bed this morning!" she growls
"No, Sister, I was not, but I was going to ask why you're wearing the bishop's slippers!"
Farmer's neighbor sees him doing a strip tease in front of his John Deere.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Farmer: Well, my wife and I have been having problems in the bedroom. My therapist told me I needed to do something to a tractor.
Farmer's neighbor sees him doing a strip tease in front of his John Deere.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Farmer: Well, my wife and I have been having problems in the bedroom. My therapist told me I needed to do something to a tractor.
The family court is hearing the sad case of Baby Bear. "His father thrashes him," the court hears, "and his mother thrashes him and his uncle thrashes him. He was in the guardianship of his grandparents and they thrash him too. The only thing the court can do is send him to live with his second-cousin-once-removed's family in Chicago."
"But is it not possible that they too will thrash him?"
Comments
The cops are working tirelessly to catch 'em.
It is not going to be a goodyear for them.
I know, you want me to spare you.
A man went into a Rolls-Royce showroom. 'I want to buy a car', he said.
'What had Sir you in mind?' asked the salesman.
'Oh, I don't know. I just want, to learn to drive.'
'But sir, these are very large and expensive models. Might I suggest something cheaper, but sturdy and reliable? A Morris, for example?'
So he went to a Morris showroom. 'I want to buy a car, something to learn to drive on. Something cheap and cheerful.'
'Well, sir, if cheap and cheerful is all you're looking for, between ourselves, I'd recommend a Ford.'
So he went to the Ford garage. and told his tale.
'Well, sir, driving is really a matter of road sense. I suggest that you get yourself a bike.'
So he went to the cycle shop. 'Were you looking for a roadster or a sporting bicycle sir?'
'I just want something to learn on.'
'Well, cycling is really just a question of balance, and for that there's nothing like a hoop.'
So, he bought a hoop, and spent many happy days bowling it up hill and down dale until one hot afternoon he stopped at a pub and went in to refresh himself, leaving the hoop propped against a wall. Unfortunately, while he was in the pub, a car backed into the hoop and broke it. The man was furious.
I'm very sorry,' said the driver, 'It was my fault. Look, here's a fiver. Go and get yourself a new hoop.'
'That's all very well,' said the man. 'But how the devil do you expect me to get home?'
She hugged me.
(I do love hugs).
I would drive it from time to time.
The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity. I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
It must have been (jumper) cable-knit!
I’m sorry these puns are so re-volt-ing. I’ll just sc-ampere off or who knows watt might happen.
The AA have developed a department for dealingwith small electric cars. They're calling it the Triple A.
It's because of the ice.
Penguins are a highly social bird.
They have many rituals they will follow through with,
Did you know when a male penguin dies on the ice,
its family will work to bury it?
They will open up a hole in the ice with their beaks and vestigial wings.
Then they roll their family member in the hole and cover it up with ice.
Then the male members of the family will circle around the grave
and chant.
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
And you expected me to know my penguins.
I will show myself out..
If they don’t like him, of course, they’ll just inspect their work and say, “What an ice hole!”
It should have started with, have you ever wondered why there are no penguin carcasses to be seen in Antartica?
Oh well.
One item I did start this new year's is to develop a playlist. I have included songs from Eminem, the Cranberries and Peanuts. I call it my Trail Mix.
Nurse: "That's because we've amputated your arms."
(A 'Not the Nine o'clock News' sketch (BBC) dredged up from forty years ago).
Popeye’s!
(“Pope Yes,” you see… I’ll get me coat…)
(A friend of mine and I have been making this joke for DECADES…)
Which makes me wonder how the tenth dentist does it.
Very carefully.
What to you call a mouse that swears?
A cursor.
The bartender asks, "What will you have?"
The rabbi says, " I will have a glass of your finest wine."
The bartender asks, "What will you have?"
The priest says, "Give me a shot of your best whiskey."
The bartender asks, "What will you have?"
A priest, a rabbi and a time traveler walk into a bar.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk-shake. Then it was off to the cinema - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and ice-cream. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?"
One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
Tell acorny joke.
AVAST number!
It was kind of a big dill.
Modern version:
If a pastor wakes up tomorrow and sees his/her shadow,
there will be six more weeks of this sermon series.
I thought I'd keep them. They might make headlines.
It was a porch choice of words.
Good joke though @Gramps49.
Liked yours too, @Gamma Gamaliel
'As Long as he Kneads Me'.
This bloke is about to go into a pub when a nun shouts at him: "You! Yes you! What do you think you're doing? Think of your parents! What would they say?"
"Well, they're both dead actually"
"Think of your brain then! It'll rot your brain, the drink will! Don't do it!"
"Look" the man says "have you ever had a drink?"
"Never let the stuff pass my lips!"
"Well then you don't know what you're talking about, do you? I'll tell you what - I'll buy you a drink, you drink it, then at least you're talking from a bit of knowledge"
"OK" says the nun. "What do women drink anyway?"
The bloke things for a moment and says "Gin?"
"So" the Nun replies "get me a gin, but get it in a cup, not a glass, so no-one knows what I'm doing"
So the bloke walks into the pub and says "A pint of Guinness and a double gin - in a cup"
The barman looks at him and says "Is that bloody nun still out there?!?"
A nun wakes up one morning, gets out of bed, gets dressed, and starts walking towards the Refectory.
Another nun coming the other way looks at her and says "Morning sister. My, you got out of bed the wrong side this morning!"
Perplexed, as she's actually in quite a good mood, she carries on, only for another nun, then another, and another, to say the same thing. Fifteen nuns in total, all saying the same thing.
By the time she gets to the Refectory she's absolutely livid. There stands the Mother Superior.
"I suppose you're going to tell me I got out of the wrong side of bed this morning!" she growls
"No, Sister, I was not, but I was going to ask why you're wearing the bishop's slippers!"
A: An irrelephant.
(From Glasgow Herald Diary column a few days ago)
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Farmer: Well, my wife and I have been having problems in the bedroom. My therapist told me I needed to do something to a tractor.
🤣🤣
"But is it not possible that they too will thrash him?"
"Oh no - the Chicago Bears never beat anybody..."