Ship Quotes File (New Drawer)

135

Comments

  • Speaking of Bishops...
    As for pastoral sensitivity, they're on a par with bed-bugs.

  • @Dark Knight in a rare snarky moment:
    I am glad that shrinks [are] on hand to tell us that rejection is painful, otherwise how would we ever know?
  • I wish Jesus would help me understand what Martin says.

    I'm sorry, but it's just too funny.
  • TukaiTukai Shipmate
    Graven Image in Hell thread about ghastly children.

    "Grandchildren are your reward for having not killed your children."
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    edited February 2020
    This little gem in the US/Brit language thread in Heaven bears keeping:
    Enoch wrote: »
    Memo to self - use more cricket phrases in future when posting on the Ship.
    to which Pigwidgeon replied:
    I thought there was a rule against posting in foreign languages.
    :wink:
  • TukaiTukai Shipmate

    Bishops Finger wrote in the TICH thread on All Saints: »
    I did repel a double-glazing salesman's cold call by pointing out (in Dutch) that he was phoning a ship, and asking (in heavily-accented English) just where did he think he was going to put a conservatory?

    :naughty: of me really, as my landline number would give no indication as to what sort of property it was serving!
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    La Vie en rouge knocks it out of the park in the Coronavirus hymn suggestions thread in Heaven:
    If you're happy and you know it wash your hands
    :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
  • orfeoorfeo Suspended
    This response tickled my fancy.
    Kwesi wrote: »
    Incidentally, even if the problem of sustainability is resolved there will come a time when the earth passes away. Nothing is forever in the dimension of time.
    Sure, that's why I never bother checking if the road is clear before I cross.
  • Barnabas62Barnabas62 Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Crœsos wrote: »
    I'm beginning to think that "electing" an incurious racist moron with obvious cognitive problems to be President* of the United States might have some drawbacks.
    A masterpiece.
  • Almost, but not quite. The point of having a gun is to protect your toilet paper supply.
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    NOprophet_-NOprofit keeping Satan on the run:

    "When the devil whispers in your ear "you'll never survive this one", the only reasonable response is "get back 6 feet sh*t head!""
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Graven Image finds the cure on the Insomnia thread in AS:
    ... I think I have found the answer. I shop in my mind around my local store ... I can get through the produce fairly well, but after frozen food and meat, I drift off to sleep hunting for the pickles.
  • EutychusEutychus Shipmate
    It's not often a post on the Ship is worth selecting, printing to file, and saving, but this one from @Patdys most certainly is. Thank you for that.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host, 8th Day Host
    I couldn’t resist adding this on exercises in futility from @KarlLB on the Telford Hell thread
    Playing chess with a pigeon. It hasn't a clue what it's doing, shits all over the board, knocks the pieces over and struts around as if it's won.
  • Amanda B ReckondwythAmanda B Reckondwyth Mystery Worship Editor
    That describes the current occupant of the White House to a T.
  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host, 8th Day Host
    KarlLB is on a roll!
    KarlLB wrote: »

    Marmite is Satan's earwax.

    Made me laugh hard enough to spray coffee all over!
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    That's genius! <notworthy>
  • The man is pitifully deluded. Please don't encourage him.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    @Twilight nails the difference between British and American anger management in Today I Consign to Hell in AS:
    ... then follows more arguments, blocked driveways, children upset, loud noises in the night... until...the American gets fed up and shoots someone,
    or the British person knocks over someone's wheelie bin.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host, 8th Day Host
    Wonderful American description of a particular kind of British rudeness from the Consign to Hell thread
    How very British...

    An American friend once complimented Mr S with the words 'you can sure tread on a guy's toes without scuffing his shoes', which sums it up nicely!
  • ZappaZappa Ecclesiantics & MW Host
    @Dafyd in heaven eloquently summarises one of the finer points of antipodean English (as she should be spoke and will be spoke in heaven):
    Shagging isn't throwing yourself at someone; it is what you end up doing if your throw is successful
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    The following exchange between Mousethief and Firenze in All Saints tickled my funny-bone:
    mousethief wrote: »
    Our cars are covered with encrusted pollen.
    Firenze wrote: »
    That sounds like a practise sentence in a Duolingo tutorial.

    Rather like Our postillion has been struck by lightning.
  • To which the reply is Please thank the postillion for saving my life. :grin:
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Indeed!
  • EutychusEutychus Shipmate
    edited April 2020
    I can't resist pursuing this tangent with my favourite such authentic practice sentence, from my university Spanish course:

    It is not known who did it first but it is believed it was some tourist disappointed by the lack of trams.

    (For the last cough-cough years my curiosity has been hugely piqued. What did they do? Why did nobody do it sooner? Why was there a lack of trams? Why does uncertainty surround the identity of the instigator?)

    (No. 9 above has the mind boggling, too).
  • I don't know why in Narnia Lewis had people disappearing through the cupboard, in reality everything disappears down the sofa ....
  • In the circumstances, an immortal quote:
    BroJames wrote: »
    My grandfather, who worked as a GP not far from Eastbourne described his town as a place where people went to die, and then forgot what they had gone for.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    [tangent]
    Somewhere in Suffolk there's a road sign that reads
    FELIXSTOWE FOR THE CONTINENT
    to which someone added:
    FRINTON FOR THE INCONTINENT
    [/tangent]
  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host, 8th Day Host
    On the Proof thread in Heaven, how to pronounce artisanal:
    eks-PEN-siv
    :joy:
  • tclunetclune Shipmate
    jedijudy wrote: »
    On the Proof thread in Heaven, how to pronounce artisanal:
    eks-PEN-siv
    :joy:

    I hear Jimmy Durante's voice singing "The Song's Gotta Come from the Heart."
  • Colin SmithColin Smith Suspended
    A nice example of inappropriateness in church courtesy of Robert Armin
    This reminds me of another dreadful service where we were all asked to turn to the person next to us, and share the best thing that had happened in the last year. A friend of mine said, in a loud voice, "I lost my virginity!".



  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    edited May 2020
    Following @Alan Cresswell 's plea in AS for the return of his lost biros, @BroJames explains the sex life of the coat-hanger :
    Black biros are the pupal stage of wire coat hangars. When the adult emerges it is very soft and can pass through the smallest of holes. (It consumes the pupal shell the nutrients of which enable it to harden once it finds a suitable location in which to assume the adult larval form.)

    Coat hangars remain sexually inactive while suspended but when laid flat with others they become sexually active (they are hermaphrodites) and can be hard to separate. They lay microscopically small eggs pale grey and hairy, closely resembling laundry fluff.

    So far the larval stage has not been definitively observed. Some think the larvae are what we generally know as paperclips, but there is some unaccounted-for variation amongst them which doesn’t seem to be reflected in the adult coat hangar.

    So far, coat hangars have proved remarkably resistant to captive breeding, and become utterly dormant under observation at all life-stages.

    It just had to be preserved for posterity.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    The following consecutive posts in the Page 47 game made too good a pair to be lost:
    Miffy wrote: »
    Some people may simply enjoy the feeling of power and control that dominating gives them.
    Cathscats wrote: »
    In an alto voice
  • MiffyMiffy Shipmate
    Piglet wrote: »
    The following consecutive posts in the Page 47 game made too good a pair to be lost:
    Miffy wrote: »
    Some people may simply enjoy the feeling of power and control that dominating gives them.
    Cathscats wrote: »
    In an alto voice

    Would you like to know which book my quote came from? 🙂

  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Yes please! :)
  • MiffyMiffy Shipmate
    Piglet wrote: »
    Yes please! :)

    Victoria Stillwell’s ‘Train Your Dog Positively’

  • CathscatsCathscats Shipmate
    Whereas mine came from Ngaio Marsh’s “Sining in the Shrouds”.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Thank you, both! :)
  • mousethiefmousethief Shipmate
    Cathscats wrote: »
    Whereas mine came from Ngaio Marsh’s “Sining in the Shrouds”.

    I didn't realize she was into trig.
  • CathscatsCathscats Shipmate
    Oops. Singing.
  • Golden KeyGolden Key Shipmate, Glory
    LOL.
  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Not knowing the work in question, I couldn't decide whether it was singing, signing or sinning ... :mrgreen:
  • This is lovely:
    Piglet wrote: »
    I can't contain my apathy ... :mrgreen:

  • PigletPiglet All Saints Host, Circus Host
    Ah - thank you! :blush:
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    Trudy:

    I've decided to reconcile myself to that euphemism [passed] by imagining that all of life was a long and difficult exam, and the person being discussed has finally passed. Good for them.

    :innocent:
  • orfeoorfeo Suspended
    I felt this needed to be highlighted.
    I may be burned at the stake for this, but I think this thread exists.
    mousethief wrote: »
    She's a witch! Burn her!
    Warlock I’m afraid. Just as flammable, but can’t multitask.
  • I am done with lockdown baking.

    Cherries are in season and yesterday the rouge family purchased a goodly quantity of the same on the market. There being too many to eat before they go bad, I could make a cherry pie, thinks I. Cherry pie is delicious.

    So once Captain Pyjamas is safely away for his afternoon nap, I begin the operation. I chop up and pit cherries and get juice everywhere until I look like an axe murderer. All going well so far. I have slightly less cherries than in any of the recipes I have seen but I figure I can adapt. I check in the cupboard for a suitable pie tin and realise that I possess none of the correct dimensions. Oh. I know, I have mince pie tins, I can make little diddy cherry pies. That would be cute.

    The recipe says add sugar to the cherries, and cornflour, except that we're out of cornflour. Oops. I do have tapioca flour, though, that should work, right? How much? No idea. Add a couple of spoons and hope for the best. On the stove they go. Now about that pastry. I follow the same sweet pastry recipe I always use, but for some reason, it produces nothing resembling rollable pastry. Add some milk, manage to make a ball, stick it in the fridge to chill. Smell burning sugar and realise that I have forgotten about the cherries and that they are now welding themselves onto the bottom of the pan. Decant the cherries into a bowl and spend 20 minutes scouring away the burnt caramel with the aid of an industrial cleaning agent.

    That pastry should be ready now, right? Out of the fridge it comes and turns out to be nigh on impossible to roll without falling apart. Check small tins and realise that if I use the mince pie cutters they come out too small and if I cut round a saucer they come out too big. New plan: cut two circles around a plate and bake it on a flat baking sheet. Pastry Will Not Roll without falling apart. Swear viciously. After three goes, manage to roll out first circle and transfer it to the baking sheet. On pouring the cherries over the top, discover that a) I should have used less tapioca flour and I now have cherry-flavoured silly putty, and b) I have slightly too much filling for the size of the pastry circle. Oh well, too late now. Roll the remaining Ill-begotten Pastry of Beelzebub into something like a slightly larger circle and flop it over the whole damn mess. Poke a hole in the top for form but it's hardly necessary given all the cracks the steam (and pie filling) can escape from. Now I somehow have to stick the top and bottom together. Milk. The application of a fork to try to adhere the edges results in the pastry sundering yet further and is abandoned. In the oven with the damn thing. Remember my mother's motto, "If at first you don't succeed, give up." I am never making another cherry pie ever again so long as I may live.

    It goes without saying that my kitchen is by now a passable approximation of Armageddon.

    It tasted quite nice.
  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host, 8th Day Host
    :joy:
    Thanks for sharing that here, @Lamb Chopped !!
  • On men's reproductive responsibilities @lilbuddha write

    Women are people, not panic-button encrusted mines, waiting to go off.
  • @KarlLB's rant against another poster deserves preserving for posterity:
    KarlLB wrote: »
    You are complete and utter moron. You would fail a job interview to be a village idiot. You would be inducted into the Ancient and Deranged Order of the Cockwomble, except you'd be too thick to find your way to the ceremony even if it had a hundred foot high sign saying Deranged Order Of The Cockwomble Initiation Tonight and people set every ten yards to point you in the right direction. If you had another brain cell you'd still not manage a synapse because the one you have is a repurposed gut bacterium from a terminally flatulant Water Buffalo.

    And, God give me strength, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here.

    It's a wonder your density doesn't cause a black hole wherever you go.
Sign In or Register to comment.