Bad jokes

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  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    (True, this). Had an email the other day including the phrase: '....please except our apologises'. From Adult Education.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    Eirenist wrote: »
    I don't call that a bad joke. The classic one along the same lines is the story about the Manchester Guardian obituary of an eminent military man, which described him as a 'bottle-scarred veteran'. A correction was printed the following day, explainining that it should have read 'battle-scared veteran'. A profuse apology followed, which ended 'The general was well-known for being always foremost in the flight'.
    Another newspaper classic apologised for an article which had referred to someone as a “defective inspector in the police force” correcting it to a “detective inspector in the police farce”.
  • I can't vouch for it, but long ago there was a story going around alleging that the Aberdeen Evening Express had reported that a Russian defecator had jumped ship in Aberdeen.
  • When does a joke become a dad joke?

    When it is apparent.

    Or, when it is full groan.

    Otherwise, it's a faux pa
  • [tangent] At the opening of a local school, it was described by a local councillor as “This splendid orifice “.
    A local pond was being discussed at another council meeting, and someone joked that it should have a gondola as a tourist attraction. Another councillor suggested that they get two so they could breed. [\tangent]
  • I hear you have to get a blue gondola and a pink one. Otherwise, there is not a good success rate. The right colors and they bread like rabbits.
  • A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. "What are you drinking?" he asks the guy.

    "Magic beer," the guy says.

    "Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?"

    Then the guy shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

    "Amazing!" the man says. "Lemme try some of that!" The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

    The bartender shakes his head. "You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman."
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
    Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
    Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, wrote him a cheque and put it in the box"
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    I bought a book online called “How to scam people”. I paid for it three months ago, but it still hasn’t arrived.
  • As the service was ending, the minister told his congregation the next Sunday's Sermon would be on Mark 17. He wanted everyone to read Mark 17 before then.
    Next Sunday came. The preacher got up and asked how many people in the congregation had read Mark 17. Everyone's hand went up.
    "That's interesting," the preacher said, "Since Mark only has 16 chapters. I will begin my sermon on the sin of lying."

    (Oldie, but goodie, I know)
  • Mrs RRsays she'll put, 'He was a gift from God' on my gravestone. But threatens to tell the stonemason leave out the 'f' in 'gift'.
  • Stercus TauriStercus Tauri Shipmate
    edited August 2023
    After a somewhat tiresome kirk session meeting some time ago, I mentioned a certain old Biblical saying to a friend. He didn't believe it, and I assured him that he only had to look it up in Proverbs ch 32. "You b******!" quoth he the next day.
    He that pisseth into the wind shall find few to stand beside him.
  • SparrowSparrow Shipmate
    What's yellow and dangerous?




    Shark infested custard.
  • The funniest pun at this year's Fringe is, apparently, "I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah."
    The others are even worse, though I did like, "My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic".
    Oh dear ....

  • I use to think cottage cheese was not cheese.
    Its just a curd to me.
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months: The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him. "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me. 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'Or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'Or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'Or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want it any more."
    The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
  • I was surprised when I found out my toaster was not waterproof. In fact, I was shocked.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    @Telford that definitely doesn't count as a 'bad joke'. It's one of the best I've heard this year. But thank you for telling it. It gave me a good laugh and I've already forwarded it to someone else.

  • Sould Telford receive a crown, or what?

    No, it was a very funny joke.
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    Enoch wrote: »
    @Telford that definitely doesn't count as a 'bad joke'. It's one of the best I've heard this year. But thank you for telling it. It gave me a good laugh and I've already forwarded it to someone else.
    I thought it was bad because it was naughty

  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    There were two carpenters, Frank Saw and Sam Plank. Nominative determinism I suppose.

    They were great friends but very different. Frank was a devout churchgoer, gave fortunes to charity, volunteered for every good work going, kind to a fault.

    Sam - not so much. Criminal connections, taxes avoided, always a couple of women besides his current wife on the go, constantly in trouble, getting into fights, generally the sort of person your parents warned you about.

    Well, they finally die and Frank goes to heaven, while Sam gets the Down Escalator.

    After a few years, Frank goes to St Peter and says "Can you arrange a day trip to Hell? I'd like to see me old mate Sam Plank."

    St Peter is surprised but pulls a few strings and it's arranged.

    "Just one thing - you need to take your harp with you. It identifies you at the Pearly Gates when you come back".

    Any road, Frank goes down to Hell to look up Sam, who it turns out is in his element - now the owner of a chain of Infernal night clubs, strip joints and casinos.

    They talk for hours over old times, then Frank realises it's time to go, so he takes his leave and sets off back up to Heaven, getting to the Pearly Gates just as the duty seraph is putting the cat out and locking the gates.

    "You're cutting it fine aren't you?" he says. "Identification?"

    Frank reaches into his robe and his face drops.

    "Bollocks!" he says "I left my harp in Sam Plank's Disco!"
  • Not so much a (bad) joke as a 'shaggy dog' story. Much appreciated. Keep 'em coming!
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    Not so much a (bad) joke as a 'shaggy dog' story. Much appreciated. Keep 'em coming!

    I try them out on MrsLB first. If she looks at me in total silence and then complains that I owe her a couple of minutes of her life, I know I've struck Dad Joke Gold.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    I’m watching a documentary about how ships are held together. It’s riveting.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    Not so much a (bad) joke as a 'shaggy dog' story. Much appreciated. Keep 'em coming!

    Shaggy dog stories are, by definition, bad jokes
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Spike wrote: »
    I’m watching a documentary about how ships are held together. It’s riveting.

    Nailed it.
  • KarlLB wrote: »
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    Not so much a (bad) joke as a 'shaggy dog' story. Much appreciated. Keep 'em coming!

    I try them out on MrsLB first. If she looks at me in total silence and then complains that I owe her a couple of minutes of her life, I know I've struck Dad Joke Gold.

    I also bounce the jokes off my wife. She has three reactions. If she scowls, it does not fly. If she groans, it may be used. If she chuckles, it's gold.
  • I have decided to be cremated.

    It will be my last chance to have a hot body.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Composed by TQ-Tastic-let #1

    Why did I get lost in the field of corn?
    Beacuse it was maize!
  • Man: I love my job.

    Sheep: All you do is boss me around.

    Man: What's that?

    Sheep: You heard me.

    (This one got a groan from my wife.)
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Man: I love my job.

    Sheep: All you do is boss me around.

    Man: What's that?

    Sheep: You heard me.

    (This one got a groan from my wife.)

    I'm not surprised. That is an AWESOME bad joke.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    edited August 2023
    Have you heard the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? They needed a little space.

    (Courtesy of Alexa)
  • I do not know where to put this one. Tom Hanks told it at Yale sometime ago.

    Three men found that they could not live with the fears they harbored, so they decided to seek out a wise man to find out how to conquer their fears. They climbed a mountain so high up no plant or animals could live. There they found the cave of a wise man.

    The wise one asked the first pilgrim, "What is your fear, my friend?'"

    The man replied, "I fear death."

    "Aw. death. I will put it behind you. You will not die until you are ready to embrace it."

    The first man found his fear going away.

    The wise one asked the second pilgrim, "And what is your fear?"

    The second man said, "I fear my neighbor. He and his family are so different from mine. They do not have the same beliefs. Their music is so strange."

    "Ah, your neighbor. I will put your fear behind you. Go back to your home, bake a cake, and take it to your neighbor. Bring toys for his children. Learn about their beliefs. Sing their songs with them."

    The man thought he could follow these instructions, and his fear started to go away.

    So, the wise man, who lived so high up no plant or animal could live, turned to the third man. "And what is your fear, my son?"

    "I fear spiders, O wise one."

    "Ah spiders. Why do you think I live so high up here?"
  • Just one flaw in that story. How did the wise man and his visitors live on the mountain, if it was so high that no plants or animals could survive? Sorry to be pedantic.
  • HymnNumber466HymnNumber466 Shipmate Posts: 39
    The Brown Paper Kid rode into town wearing his brown paper pistol on his brown paper belt round his brown paper trousers, with a brown paper shirt and a brown paper hat.

    The sheriff arrested him for rustling.
  • I'm writing an
    Eirenist wrote: »
    Just one flaw in that story. How did the wise man and his visitors live on the mountain, if it was so high that no plants or animals could survive? Sorry to be pedantic.

    As C S Lewis's wife Joy once said to him, "pass the pedanticide!"

    Perhaps the wiseman ordered food online .....
  • HymnNumber466HymnNumber466 Shipmate Posts: 39
    And since I'm here...

    A ship sank in the Pacific. The only survivors were the captain, an estate agent, a second-hand car salesman and a lawyer. They were all huddled together in a lifeboat. After several days at sea they floated towards a desert island. But the boat snagged on a reef 50 yards from shore. They could see many large sharks in the water swimming menacingly around them.

    The estate agent said he'd tie a rope around himself, swim to shore and pull the boat in. Within a minute of being in the water the sharks had devoured him in a bloody frenzy.

    The car salesman said he'd try. He met the same grisly fate as the estate agent.

    The lawyer then said he'd try to make it to land. He jumped in the water with the rope around him and started to swim. The sharks arranged themselves in two lines and flapped their tails at the lawyer as he swam triumphantly between them. He got to shore and pulled the boat in safely.

    When the captain reached the lawyer he said, "That was incredible! How did you make the sharks do that?"

    The lawyer said, "Oh, it was nothing. Just professional courtesy."

    (I am a lawyer.)
  • ArielAriel Shipmate
    A couple of art jokes for you:

    What does Salvador Dalí eat for breakfast?
    A bowl of surreal.

    What did the artist say to the dentist?
    Matisse hurt.
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    Just one flaw in that story. How did the wise man and his visitors live on the mountain, if it was so high that no plants or animals could survive? Sorry to be pedantic.

    It helps to suspend logic a bit.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    Three logicians agree to meet in a bar.

    The first one arrives and the barista asks ‘Will you all be having a drink?’ The logician says, ‘I don’t know.’ The same happens with the second.

    The third logician goes in and the barista asks the same question. The logician asks what the other two said, and the barista tells her. So the logician says, ‘Yes we’ll all be having a drink,’
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    Eirenist wrote: »
    Just one flaw in that story. How did the wise man and his visitors live on the mountain, if it was so high that no plants or animals could survive? Sorry to be pedantic.

    It helps to suspend logic a bit.

    Acolytes bringing him food and drink. Simples.
    BroJames wrote: »
    Three logicians agree to meet in a bar.

    The first one arrives and the barista asks ‘Will you all be having a drink?’ The logician says, ‘I don’t know.’ The same happens with the second.

    The third logician goes in and the barista asks the same question. The logician asks what the other two said, and the barista tells her. So the logician says, ‘Yes we’ll all be having a drink,’

    Not so much a joke but a logic puzzle, and a good one.
  • HarryCHHarryCH Shipmate
    If the third logician says that none of them will have a drink, then they presumably owe the bartender at least an apology.
  • HarryCH wrote: »
    If the third logician says that none of them will have a drink, then they presumably owe the bartender at least an apology.

    But the question was not will ANY of you have a drink but will ALL of you have a drink. If the third logician says that none of them will have a drink, he is overstepping his bounds logically, if not downright lying.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Customer: Waiter! What’s this fly doing in my soup?
    Waiter: Looks like breast stroke sir
  • ArielAriel Shipmate
    Waiter, there's a hair in my soup!
    Don't worry sir, the greyhound on the bread roll will get him.

    (Works better if you say it aloud)
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    edited August 2023
    My poor post-covid brain had to think the barrista and the three logicians story through carefully. Nice.
    Tangent alert: for those who like these sorts of puzzle, there was a splenid book forty years ago called, 'What is the name of this book?' by the logician Raymond Smullyan. Highly reccommended and I found one on Abe for my clever niece a few years ago. I suspect she romped through it.
    When my daughter was young we shared a tin of alphabet soup. I tried, but was not able, to spell out 'A FLY' in my bowl.
    So it goes
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    mousethief wrote: »
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Eirenist wrote: »
    Just one flaw in that story. How did the wise man and his visitors live on the mountain, if it was so high that no plants or animals could survive? Sorry to be pedantic.

    It helps to suspend logic a bit.

    Acolytes bringing him food and drink. Simples.

    I thought that at first then remembered that people are animals too.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Please keep up with the jokes, logical stuff sends my brain in a spin
  • mousethief wrote: »
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Eirenist wrote: »
    Just one flaw in that story. How did the wise man and his visitors live on the mountain, if it was so high that no plants or animals could survive? Sorry to be pedantic.

    It helps to suspend logic a bit.

    Acolytes bringing him food and drink. Simples.

    I thought that at first then remembered that people are animals too.

    That was often the answer - acolytes bringing nutrition.

    And people are animals too. Made of meat. If he was really struggling.
  • ArielAriel Shipmate
    If no plants or animals could live on the mountain then he couldn't have lived on it either. No matter whether acolytes brought supplies or not.

    I'm assuming inhospitable, barren rocks with no obvious shelter, lack of oxygen and howling, snow-laden winds. But it doesn't do to take these things too literally.
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