I think the range of dishes was novel and a voyage of discovery. Lewis was very quick ... I'm sure there are more of his off-the-cuff puns lurking somewhere in my half brain that I can share in due course. But are they bad enough?
As we are into puns, can I share an (allegedly) true C S Lewis story? He and the Portuguese ambassador were seated next to each other at a very posh college dinner. There were many, many courses. The ambassador turning to Lewis, remarked, "I feel like a Culinary Christopher Columbus". "Don't you mean a Vascular Di Gama?" Lewis replied.
Nice.
If this is supposed to be a thread for bad jokes, IMHO that one doesn't qualify. It's memorably good.
I have a friend who regularly posts jokes on Facebook:
My kitchen floor was cracked, so I decided to repair it by pouring cement onto it. I didn’t do a very good job, and the cement didn’t lie flat. To cover up the problem, I moved some of my kitchen equipment over the raised areas. I ended up having fridge over bubbled mortar.
What do you call a 4 pound mockingbird? Two kilo mockingbird.
I've decide bad jokes are my favourite kind - I put it down to my Dad. I read some of this thread to my brother when he was staying and he enjoyed it as much as I do.
Johnny And his Mom Are Waiting At The Bus Stop When 6-year-old Johnny and his mom are waiting at the bus stop, she says to him. “I’ll get a ticket for myself and if the driver asks how old you are, tell him you are 5, then I won’t have to pay.” The bus pulls up, they get on and Mom pays for an adult return to the town centre. The driver then asks the boy.
“And what is your name, young man?”
He proudly replies. “I’m Johnny.”
The driver enquires.
“And how old are you, Johnny?”
“I’m only 5 years old.”
“And when will you be 6?”
“As soon as I get off the bus!”
Johnny And his Mom Are Waiting At The Bus Stop When 6-year-old Johnny and his mom are waiting at the bus stop, she says to him. “I’ll get a ticket for myself and if the driver asks how old you are, tell him you are 5, then I won’t have to pay.” The bus pulls up, they get on and Mom pays for an adult return to the town centre. The driver then asks the boy.
“And what is your name, young man?”
He proudly replies. “I’m Johnny.”
The driver enquires.
“And how old are you, Johnny?”
“I’m only 5 years old.”
“And when will you be 6?”
“As soon as I get off the bus!”
This reminds me of the time when my basketball team was flying from Oakland, CA to Portland, OR. The plane was nearly empty save for us, but the stewardess brought on a little girl who sat behind us. The stewardess went on to do steward things.
A couple of us started talking to the little girl. We asked her how old she was. She proudly said "Six." But then a few minutes later she confessed she was only five but not to tell the stewardess.
Johnny And his Mom Are Waiting At The Bus Stop When 6-year-old Johnny and his mom are waiting at the bus stop, she says to him. “I’ll get a ticket for myself and if the driver asks how old you are, tell him you are 5, then I won’t have to pay.” The bus pulls up, they get on and Mom pays for an adult return to the town centre. The driver then asks the boy.
“And what is your name, young man?”
He proudly replies. “I’m Johnny.”
The driver enquires.
“And how old are you, Johnny?”
“I’m only 5 years old.”
“And when will you be 6?”
“As soon as I get off the bus!”
This reminds me of the time when my basketball team was flying from Oakland, CA to Portland, OR. The plane was nearly empty save for us, but the stewardess brought on a little girl who sat behind us. The stewardess went on to do steward things.
A couple of us started talking to the little girl. We asked her how old she was. She proudly said "Six." But then a few minutes later she confessed she was only five but not to tell the stewardess.
Archaeologists in Egypt have found a tomb where the sarcophagus was made entirely of chocolate. Egyptologists have identified it as being the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
Archaeologists in Egypt have found a tomb where the sarcophagus was made entirely of chocolate. Egyptologists have identified it as being the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
Johnny And his Mom Are Waiting At The Bus Stop When 6-year-old Johnny and his mom are waiting at the bus stop, she says to him. “I’ll get a ticket for myself and if the driver asks how old you are, tell him you are 5, then I won’t have to pay.” The bus pulls up, they get on and Mom pays for an adult return to the town centre. The driver then asks the boy.
“And what is your name, young man?”
He proudly replies. “I’m Johnny.”
The driver enquires.
“And how old are you, Johnny?”
“I’m only 5 years old.”
“And when will you be 6?”
“As soon as I get off the bus!”
This reminds me of the time when my basketball team was flying from Oakland, CA to Portland, OR. The plane was nearly empty save for us, but the stewardess brought on a little girl who sat behind us. The stewardess went on to do steward things.
A couple of us started talking to the little girl. We asked her how old she was. She proudly said "Six." But then a few minutes later she confessed she was only five but not to tell the stewardess.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother swung back the mallet to strike the first bell, he lost his balance, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who was that man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for the other one."
@The_Riv I knew the first half of that joke but was unable to predict what would happen when the second ringer showed up, so that makes it a good joke in my books.
Archaeologists in Egypt have found a tomb where the sarcophagus was made entirely of chocolate. Egyptologists have identified it as being the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
Door is that way --->
You mean... the AMBASSA-DOOR is that way---->
With these jokes @Priscilla is really spoiling us!
Oooh! Joke fine-tuning time! What about: "My wife asked me to water the roses. I installed a state-of-the-art grey-water reclamation system with voice control and gold-plated pipes. I said it was a work of super-irrigation but she said there was no way I could justify myself!"
Since we are into puns at the moment, does any other shipmate remember the Sun's legendary sporting headline, " ‘Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious’."?
It was, I think in 2000 and is, arguably the greatest headline in Scottish football history – maybe even in football history.
Sorry it's not a joke as such, but it made me laugh at the time!
Archaeologists in Egypt have found a tomb where the sarcophagus was made entirely of chocolate. Egyptologists have identified it as being the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
After a long day, a commuter took a seat on the train and closed his eyes.
A woman sat next to him. She took out her phone and called someone. "This is Sue. I am running late, hon. No, I swear there is no one else." The call went on for 15 minutes. Finally, the man spoke into the phone, "Hang up the phone, Sue, and come back to bed." Sue never used her phone in public again.
After a long day, a commuter took a seat on the train and closed his eyes.
A woman sat next to him. She took out her phone and called someone. "This is Sue. I am running late, hon. No, I swear there is no one else." The call went on for 15 minutes. Finally, the man spoke into the phone, "Hang up the phone, Sue, and come back to bed." Sue never used her phone in public again.
Sorry and all that, but that's far too good to count as a Bad Joke.
After a long day, a commuter took a seat on the train and closed his eyes.
A woman sat next to him. She took out her phone and called someone. "This is Sue. I am running late, hon. No, I swear there is no one else." The call went on for 15 minutes. Finally, the man spoke into the phone, "Hang up the phone, Sue, and come back to bed." Sue never used her phone in public again.
Sorry and all that, but that's far too good to count as a Bad Joke.
My elderly friend was recenrly diagnosed with incontinence. But he remains of good cheer. "It's not so bad", he said", and I'm even refererred to in one of my favourite hymns". "How so?" I asked. He replied, "I am the Lord of the damp setee!"
Comments
Weak rather than bad I think. There's a difference.
Mississippi
My kitchen floor was cracked, so I decided to repair it by pouring cement onto it. I didn’t do a very good job, and the cement didn’t lie flat. To cover up the problem, I moved some of my kitchen equipment over the raised areas. I ended up having fridge over bubbled mortar.
What do you call a 4 pound mockingbird? Two kilo mockingbird.
“And what is your name, young man?”
He proudly replies. “I’m Johnny.”
The driver enquires.
“And how old are you, Johnny?”
“I’m only 5 years old.”
“And when will you be 6?”
“As soon as I get off the bus!”
This reminds me of the time when my basketball team was flying from Oakland, CA to Portland, OR. The plane was nearly empty save for us, but the stewardess brought on a little girl who sat behind us. The stewardess went on to do steward things.
A couple of us started talking to the little girl. We asked her how old she was. She proudly said "Six." But then a few minutes later she confessed she was only five but not to tell the stewardess.
We kept her secret.
Until now .... !!!!!
Door is that way --->
Well, I did not mention her name.
Because his life was in ruins
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother swung back the mallet to strike the first bell, he lost his balance, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who was that man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for the other one."
Q. Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
A. Too Mennonite.
You mean... the AMBASSA-DOOR is that way---->
With these jokes @Priscilla is really spoiling us!
Ahahahahaha
It was, I think in 2000 and is, arguably the greatest headline in Scottish football history – maybe even in football history.
Sorry it's not a joke as such, but it made me laugh at the time!
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyl.
Yup, that's bad!
Blue paint.
A woman sat next to him. She took out her phone and called someone. "This is Sue. I am running late, hon. No, I swear there is no one else." The call went on for 15 minutes. Finally, the man spoke into the phone, "Hang up the phone, Sue, and come back to bed." Sue never used her phone in public again.
Depends on how you define "bad."
God must be a woman. Why else would the entire Bible be full of men explaining what she said?
Sorry, that's a little flat.