Bad jokes

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  • PriscillaPriscilla Shipmate
    mousethief wrote: »
    Last night my wife ripped all the bedclothes off me. I was shocked. But I recovered.
    Spike wrote: »
    I’m thinking of getting rid of my vacuum cleaner. It’s just gathering dust.

    🫲🏿
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    Spike wrote: »
    I’m thinking of getting rid of my vacuum cleaner. It’s just gathering dust.
    You think you’ve got problems! My vacuum cleaner sucks!
  • mousethief wrote: »
    Last night my wife ripped all the bedclothes off me. I was shocked. But I recovered.

    That's not a joke, confound it!
  • Spike wrote: »
    I’m thinking of getting rid of my vacuum cleaner. It’s just gathering dust.

    That sucks.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Do you know why fish sing off key?

    Have you ever tried to tuna fish?
  • North East QuineNorth East Quine Purgatory Host
    What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?

    Ian.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Where do Bad Rainbows go?

    Prism.

    It is a light sentence. It gives them time to reflect.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Three guys survive a shipwreck and wash up on a previously unknown island.

    The islanders have a particularly interesting immigration system - one which even our Home Office wouldn't consider - would-be newcomers are sent off to collect ten pieces of whatever fruit they can find.

    When they return, they find out why they have to collect this fruit. They have to insert it into themselves, all the while maintaining a neutral expression.

    Oh, and they don't bother to deport failures, let the reader understand.

    Well, the first bloke turns up with ten oranges. He's dead within a few seconds, unable to contain the pained expression at the very first one.

    The second chap thinks he's in luck - he's found some cherries. He gets up to the ninth, before he suddenly falls over in uncontrollable laughter.

    "What's so funny?" says the immigration official. "You were nearly there, and now you're going to die!"

    "I know, I know" he replies, "but I just saw the third guy struggling up the hill with ten pineapples!"
  • PriscillaPriscilla Shipmate
    Another from my friend I:
    One tectonic plate bumped into another and said “sorry, it’s my fault “.
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    KarlLB wrote: »
    The islanders have a particularly interesting immigration system - one which even our Home Office wouldn't consider - would-be newcomers are sent off to collect ten pieces of whatever fruit they can find.
    Would it be in even worse taste to rewrite the joke so the three are Tory Ministers?

  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    I feel Braverman should be second.
  • No more about politicians, I beg you. To quote Marlowe, "Why this is Hell, nor are we out of it."
    'Innuendo': Italian for a suppositry.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    ... 'Innuendo': Italian for a suppositry.
    I like that one. Far too good to count as a bad joke.

  • Enoch wrote: »
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    ... 'Innuendo': Italian for a suppositry.
    I like that one. Far too good to count as a bad joke.

    Have you ever had a suppositry? Believe me, if it's a joke, it's a bad one. Not so much 'the bottom fell out of my world' as 'the world fell out of my ....'
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    edited July 2023
    Why wouldn't the chicken attend the regimental service and lunch at the cathedral?

    It didn't want to become canon fodder.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    This one composed in conjunction with GPT4...

    Why didn't the turkey want to tell its off-colour joke at the choir rehearsal?
    It was afraid of being roasted for hitting the wrong note.

    (The "canon fodder" was all my own work though)
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    An old one, but none the worse for it:

    The Vicar arrived to have dinner with Mummy and Daddy and little Johnny.
    As they sat down at the table, Mummy said,
    'Now, Johnny, what is it that Daddy always says before we have something to eat?'
    Little Johnny looked blank.
    'You know, he said it before breakfast this morning. 'Oh God . . . .'
    Johnny's face cleared.
    'Oh God, we've got the blooy Vicar coming to dinner tonight.'
  • Was interrupted by a trainer at the gym this morning with:

    Q: Which is heavier - a kilo of propane or a kilo of butane?

    Har har - an old one. You can't fool me.

    A: A kilo of propane, of course. Butane is a lighter fluid.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    What’s red and smells like blue paint?
    .
    .
    .
    ,
    ,
    ,
    ,
    ,
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Red paint
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Yep. That qualifies. It's got all the qualities that get a seven year old to keep on repeating it. 🤪
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Enoch wrote: »
    Yep. That qualifies. It's got all the qualities that get a seven year old to keep on repeating it. 🤪

    Do you mind? That's one of my favourite jokes, that is!
  • ... And from such a young age...
  • A Little Person became a fortune-teller and seance leader and all that, but later murdered somebody and went on the lam. Police are looking for a small medium at large.
  • The old ones are the best:

    A drunk man was walking down the street, with one foot in the gutter.
    'Funny', he said, 'They
  • ... were both the same length when I startd.' Sorry, slip of the finger.
  • Sorry, this was a visual joke put up on f/b by Gamma Gamaliel’s brother, which I’ll try and describe:
    A picture of the White House above a picture of a prison cell with the door open.
    The caption read “When one door closes, another one opens “.
  • My wife called me at the bar last night. She said if I wasn't home in 10 minutes, she'd give the dinner she cooked me to the dog. I was home in 5 minutes. I'd hate it if anything happened to my dog.
  • Why did coffee file a police report?

    It got mugged.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    A signwriter was nailing up individual letters to make a slogan. There were so many of them that he dropped one of them which injured a passer-by.

    He was sent to jail but it would have been better had he just been given a suspended sentence.
  • News flash:
    Thieves broke into a local pharmacy (chemist's) and stole several cases of Viagra.
    Police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.
  • News flash:
    Thieves broke into a local pharmacy (chemist's) and stole several cases of Viagra.
    Police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.

    Ah, but at any trial will it stand up in court? Boom boom!
  • Don't get it, TT.
  • Gee DGee D Shipmate
    Eirenist wrote: »
    Don't get it, TT.

    Gaol sentence vs slogan being created by the letters was how I read it.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited August 2023
    If the sentence he was putting up had been suspended, he'd not have dropped a letter on someone and gone to jail.
  • What did parents do
    before the internet?
    None of my 26 siblings
    Seen to know either.
  • What do you call someone who never farts in public?
    A private tutor.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    You need to say that with an American accent
    tooter not tewter
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    What do you call someone who never farts in public?
    A private tutor.

    Eh?
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Spike wrote: »
    What do you call someone who never farts in public?
    A private tutor.

    Eh?

    See above. Requires American accent.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    Also the slang is more USA than UK usage, I think.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    BroJames wrote: »
    Also the slang is more USA than UK usage, I think.

    True. I'm an avid follower of Johnny Fartpants and can't recall "toot" ever being used. Guff, bottom burp, trump, step on a frog, yes.
  • The only time I can think of "toot" being used to mean "fart", is in the old rhyme:

    Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
    The more you eat, the more you toot;
    The More you toot, the better you feel,
    So eat some beans with every meal.
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    NicoleMR wrote: »
    The only time I can think of "toot" being used to mean "fart", is in the old rhyme:

    Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
    The more you eat, the more you toot;
    The More you toot, the better you feel,
    So eat some beans with every meal.

    Beans, beans, are good for the heart,
    the more you eat, the more you fart;
    the more you fart, the better you feel,
    so let's have beans for every meal.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    NicoleMR wrote: »
    The only time I can think of "toot" being used to mean "fart", is in the old rhyme:

    Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
    The more you eat, the more you toot;
    The More you toot, the better you feel,
    So eat some beans with every meal.

    The version I know is

    Baked beans are good for your heart
    Baked beans make you fart
    The more you fart the better you feel
    So eat baked beans with every meal


    A popular advertisement jingle of the time was subverted thus

    "A million housewives* every day
    Open a tin of beans and say
    'Beans means farts**!'"

    *It was the 1970s. Overtly sexist advertising was the norm.

    **original jingle had Heinz*** here.

    ***other brands of baked beans are available.
  • What rhymes with “orange”?

    No it doesn’t.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Every day I walk my cow through the local vineyard.

    Yes, I herd it through the grapevine.
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    A Yorkshireman's wife sadly passes away. He decides to have the words 'She Were Thine' engraved on her headstone.
    He calls the mason, explains what he wants, then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look and to his horror, finds the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin'. He yells: "The blummin' 'e' is missing! Where's the 'e'? Tha's left the blummin' 'e' out lad!" The mason apologises profusely, and assures the widower it'll be right on the day. The day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church and head out to the graveyard. And there, for all to see, is the pristine headstone. Upon it inscribed:
    "Ee, She Were Thin."
  • My Yorkshire-born wife appreciated that one.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    My Yorkshire-born wife appreciated that one.
    So did I. I laughed, which makes me wonder, @Telford whether it's too good to qualify. Whereas @Spike's and @Priscilla's definitely did.

    @KarlLB thank you for your version. That's the one I remember from longer ago than I'd like to admit.

  • I don't call that a bad joke. The classic one along the same lines is the story about the Manchester Guardian obituary of an eminent military man, which described him as a 'bottle-scarred veteran'. A correction was printed the following day, explainining that it should have read 'battle-scared veteran'. A profuse apology followed, which ended 'The general was well-known for being always foremost in the flight'.
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