Three guys survive a shipwreck and wash up on a previously unknown island.
The islanders have a particularly interesting immigration system - one which even our Home Office wouldn't consider - would-be newcomers are sent off to collect ten pieces of whatever fruit they can find.
When they return, they find out why they have to collect this fruit. They have to insert it into themselves, all the while maintaining a neutral expression.
Oh, and they don't bother to deport failures, let the reader understand.
Well, the first bloke turns up with ten oranges. He's dead within a few seconds, unable to contain the pained expression at the very first one.
The second chap thinks he's in luck - he's found some cherries. He gets up to the ninth, before he suddenly falls over in uncontrollable laughter.
"What's so funny?" says the immigration official. "You were nearly there, and now you're going to die!"
"I know, I know" he replies, "but I just saw the third guy struggling up the hill with ten pineapples!"
The islanders have a particularly interesting immigration system - one which even our Home Office wouldn't consider - would-be newcomers are sent off to collect ten pieces of whatever fruit they can find.
Would it be in even worse taste to rewrite the joke so the three are Tory Ministers?
I like that one. Far too good to count as a bad joke.
Have you ever had a suppositry? Believe me, if it's a joke, it's a bad one. Not so much 'the bottom fell out of my world' as 'the world fell out of my ....'
The Vicar arrived to have dinner with Mummy and Daddy and little Johnny.
As they sat down at the table, Mummy said,
'Now, Johnny, what is it that Daddy always says before we have something to eat?'
Little Johnny looked blank.
'You know, he said it before breakfast this morning. 'Oh God . . . .'
Johnny's face cleared.
'Oh God, we've got the blooy Vicar coming to dinner tonight.'
A Little Person became a fortune-teller and seance leader and all that, but later murdered somebody and went on the lam. Police are looking for a small medium at large.
Sorry, this was a visual joke put up on f/b by Gamma Gamaliel’s brother, which I’ll try and describe:
A picture of the White House above a picture of a prison cell with the door open.
The caption read “When one door closes, another one opens “.
My wife called me at the bar last night. She said if I wasn't home in 10 minutes, she'd give the dinner she cooked me to the dog. I was home in 5 minutes. I'd hate it if anything happened to my dog.
A Yorkshireman's wife sadly passes away. He decides to have the words 'She Were Thine' engraved on her headstone.
He calls the mason, explains what he wants, then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look and to his horror, finds the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin'. He yells: "The blummin' 'e' is missing! Where's the 'e'? Tha's left the blummin' 'e' out lad!" The mason apologises profusely, and assures the widower it'll be right on the day. The day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church and head out to the graveyard. And there, for all to see, is the pristine headstone. Upon it inscribed:
I don't call that a bad joke. The classic one along the same lines is the story about the Manchester Guardian obituary of an eminent military man, which described him as a 'bottle-scarred veteran'. A correction was printed the following day, explainining that it should have read 'battle-scared veteran'. A profuse apology followed, which ended 'The general was well-known for being always foremost in the flight'.
Comments
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That's not a joke, confound it!
That sucks.
Have you ever tried to tuna fish?
Ian.
Prism.
It is a light sentence. It gives them time to reflect.
The islanders have a particularly interesting immigration system - one which even our Home Office wouldn't consider - would-be newcomers are sent off to collect ten pieces of whatever fruit they can find.
When they return, they find out why they have to collect this fruit. They have to insert it into themselves, all the while maintaining a neutral expression.
Oh, and they don't bother to deport failures, let the reader understand.
Well, the first bloke turns up with ten oranges. He's dead within a few seconds, unable to contain the pained expression at the very first one.
The second chap thinks he's in luck - he's found some cherries. He gets up to the ninth, before he suddenly falls over in uncontrollable laughter.
"What's so funny?" says the immigration official. "You were nearly there, and now you're going to die!"
"I know, I know" he replies, "but I just saw the third guy struggling up the hill with ten pineapples!"
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said “sorry, it’s my fault “.
'Innuendo': Italian for a suppositry.
Have you ever had a suppositry? Believe me, if it's a joke, it's a bad one. Not so much 'the bottom fell out of my world' as 'the world fell out of my ....'
It didn't want to become canon fodder.
Why didn't the turkey want to tell its off-colour joke at the choir rehearsal?
(The "canon fodder" was all my own work though)
The Vicar arrived to have dinner with Mummy and Daddy and little Johnny.
As they sat down at the table, Mummy said,
'Now, Johnny, what is it that Daddy always says before we have something to eat?'
Little Johnny looked blank.
'You know, he said it before breakfast this morning. 'Oh God . . . .'
Johnny's face cleared.
'Oh God, we've got the blooy Vicar coming to dinner tonight.'
Q: Which is heavier - a kilo of propane or a kilo of butane?
Har har - an old one. You can't fool me.
A: A kilo of propane, of course. Butane is a lighter fluid.
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Red paint
Do you mind? That's one of my favourite jokes, that is!
A drunk man was walking down the street, with one foot in the gutter.
'Funny', he said, 'They
A picture of the White House above a picture of a prison cell with the door open.
The caption read “When one door closes, another one opens “.
It got mugged.
He was sent to jail but it would have been better had he just been given a suspended sentence.
Thieves broke into a local pharmacy (chemist's) and stole several cases of Viagra.
Police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.
Ah, but at any trial will it stand up in court? Boom boom!
Gaol sentence vs slogan being created by the letters was how I read it.
before the internet?
None of my 26 siblings
Seen to know either.
A private tutor.
Eh?
See above. Requires American accent.
True. I'm an avid follower of Johnny Fartpants and can't recall "toot" ever being used. Guff, bottom burp, trump, step on a frog, yes.
Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot;
The More you toot, the better you feel,
So eat some beans with every meal.
Beans, beans, are good for the heart,
the more you eat, the more you fart;
the more you fart, the better you feel,
so let's have beans for every meal.
The version I know is
Baked beans are good for your heart
Baked beans make you fart
The more you fart the better you feel
So eat baked beans with every meal
A popular advertisement jingle of the time was subverted thus
"A million housewives* every day
Open a tin of beans and say
'Beans means farts**!'"
*It was the 1970s. Overtly sexist advertising was the norm.
**original jingle had Heinz*** here.
***other brands of baked beans are available.
No it doesn’t.
Yes, I herd it through the grapevine.
He calls the mason, explains what he wants, then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look and to his horror, finds the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin'. He yells: "The blummin' 'e' is missing! Where's the 'e'? Tha's left the blummin' 'e' out lad!" The mason apologises profusely, and assures the widower it'll be right on the day. The day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church and head out to the graveyard. And there, for all to see, is the pristine headstone. Upon it inscribed:
@KarlLB thank you for your version. That's the one I remember from longer ago than I'd like to admit.