Yes an old friend of mine once at the bar was first an Anglican now a Roman priest. He presided at the requiem of an old friend a couple of months back. I was grateful for his support.
We need a taxonomy joke about the reactions of assorted clergy in some situation. I can envision it but not write it. Something happens and then the Roman says A, the Anglican says B, the Presbyterian says C, the Methodist says D, the Orthodox says E, the rabbi says F, etc.
Now that I am safely retired, I can remind myself of soem of the nicknames my former colleagues picked up , and why. Some examples:
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past;
"Noodles" - thinks all jobs take 2 minutes;
"G-spot" - you can never find him;
"Wheelbarrow" - only works when he's pushed.
Pinched from Facebook:
Doctor, doctor, I keep singing “The green, green grass of home “
Dr.: I think you’ve got Tom Jones syndrome.
Is it common?
Dr.: It’s not unusual.
@Tukai, I hope you don't mind my saying, but those nicknames strike me as too good to qualify. They're genuinely funny rather than just groan-worthy. @Spike and @Priscilla, as far as my estimation goes, yours both qualify estimably.
There's this shop in this village - only one for some miles, so it sells everything.
It's run by this guy who can sell sand to desert nomads. Boots to mermaids. He's amazing.
But he's getting on a bit, so he takes on an apprentice.
"Watch me" he says to this pimply-faced youth "and see how I do it."
This chap walks in
"A box of grass seed, please" he says
"Large box sir?" replies the salesman
"Not sure" says the customer
"Well, it's much cheaper per kilo that way. Bit of a rip off the amount they want for these small boxes, to tell the truth. And you'll need more than you think, and then there's patching."
"OK" says the customer, "I'll have the large box"
As the customer is about to pay, the salesman says "You'll need a lawnmower sir"
"A lawnmower?"
"Yep. Grass grows, you get a lawn, need to mow it."
"You're quite right" replies the customer
And to cut a long crap joke a little shorter, he ends up buying a lawnmower.
"There you go" he says to his protegé "Comes in for a £1.50 box of grass seed, goes out with £500 lawnmower. And that is the secret of my success. Upsell. Upsell big. Now, you server the next customer."
A few minutes later, this middle aged man wonders in looking a bit embarrassed. He comes to the counter and says "A box of..... tampax please", turning a bit red.
"Tampax sir? Large box? Maximum absorbancy?"
"Erm - I don't know!"
"Well, better safe than sorry sir. Might be a heavy flow. Best go with the bumper pack. Much cheaper per unit!"
"OK, OK, Whatever!" the man says, clearly uncomfortable having to make this purchase.
As the guy is about to pay, the apprentice says "You'll need a lawnmower sir!"
"A LAWNMOWER?!?!?!" replies the customer in confusion.
"Yes sir. Your weekend's buggered; you might as well cut the grass!"
Why did the hamster go to the doctor?
Because it was running on a wheel!
Don't get this.
I think that was the point AI doesn't compose good (or even bad) jokes. This appears to be an example of it composing a non-joke.
On the other hand I did get the following exchange:
TQT: Why was the little Egytpian sarcophagus sad?
GPT: Because it was all coffin!
TQT: That's very good! But I was thinking: "because it had lost its mummy!"
GPT: Ha! That's a good one! We both have a knack for writing sarcophagus jokes!
A farmer went out to his field one morning to discover all his cows were frozen. This was a problem he’d never encountered before and he didn’t know what to do. Suddenly and old lady appeared. She waved her arms and miraculously, all the cows thawed out and returned to normal.
“That’s amazing” said the farmer.” Are you an angel?”
“No” said the old lady. “I’m Thora Hird”
A trump supporter dies and shows up in Heaven (don't ask - it just happened that way in the joke) and asks to see God. God is out in the garden, and he asks him, "God, was Joe Biden elected fairly?" "He certainly was", replies God. "Darn it", says the man, "the fraud went all the way to the top."
What made that an even worse joke was that a minister used it to open a sermon yesterday, and somehow got from there to the beatitudes. The service was livestreamed and on TV, so there'll likely be some feedback.
The god Thor hears about Zeus' exploits down in that there Greece and decides to go down to see if he can hook up with a mortal woman. So he disguises himself as a toned but mortal looking warrior and starts hanging out in mead halls and long houses flashing a bit of cash and giving the old chat.
Eventually this tired old routine works (well, it was 954 and it was a new strategy then, pioneered by lads tiring of the Club 18-30 Viking Grand Tour of England and northern France) and he cops off with a flaxen-haired not going to be a maiden for very long and the two head back to her roundhouse.
A remarkably good time is had by both, owing not least to Thor's stamina and the fact that no-one's brought tobacco back from the Americas yet so they haven't invented the post-coital fag so don't know to stop. Eventually, however, after many hours and absolutely no sleep, quite literally shagged out they collapse panting.
At this point Thor realises that his new friend might be pregnant with a demigod, so he comes clean
"I'm Thor!" he announces.
"You're Thor?" she replies. "Well, I can't even bear to pith!"
I heard it with the punchline "You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!" but the end result is the same, and it remains one of my favourite jokes, though not for every audience. You set it up very well and I would have to judge that this one does not belong in the "bad jokes" thread.
A farmer went out to his field one morning to discover all his cows were frozen. This was a problem he’d never encountered before and he didn’t know what to do. Suddenly and old lady appeared. She waved her arms and miraculously, all the cows thawed out and returned to normal.
“That’s amazing” said the farmer.” Are you an angel?”
“No” said the old lady. “I’m Thora Hird”
A Norwegian fisherman came to visit the family in America.
His American nephew wanted to know what it was like in Norway.
The old fisherman replied, "In the summer, we f#ck and fish,"
The nephew asks, "Well, what do you do in the winter?"
"Too cold to fish."
The god Thor hears about Zeus' exploits down in that there Greece and decides to go down to see if he can hook up with a mortal woman. So he disguises himself as a toned but mortal looking warrior and starts hanging out in mead halls and long houses flashing a bit of cash and giving the old chat.
Eventually this tired old routine works (well, it was 954 and it was a new strategy then, pioneered by lads tiring of the Club 18-30 Viking Grand Tour of England and northern France) and he cops off with a flaxen-haired not going to be a maiden for very long and the two head back to her roundhouse.
A remarkably good time is had by both, owing not least to Thor's stamina and the fact that no-one's brought tobacco back from the Americas yet so they haven't invented the post-coital fag so don't know to stop. Eventually, however, after many hours and absolutely no sleep, quite literally shagged out they collapse panting.
At this point Thor realises that his new friend might be pregnant with a demigod, so he comes clean
"I'm Thor!" he announces.
"You're Thor?" she replies. "Well, I can't even bear to pith!"
Should I get my coat?
I thought this one was going to be the rhyme:
In days of yore the God of War rode out on his favourite filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried; the horse replied
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly."
A visual joke (I think)... Driving in New York City a few years ago I passed an old VW Rabbit (an early Golf in other places). The letter 't' had been knocked off the name on the back, and right enough, the driver was wearing a big black hat and had a bushy black beard.
Gladys Dunn is an excellent example of a church lady,
She is on the altar guild.
She is a lay reader.
She participates in the choir.
She will substitute as the organist.
She really likes to greet new people at the end of service.
One Sunday she spotted a newcomer trying to sneak out the door after worship. She went to the newcomer, stuck out her hand, and said. "Hello. I am Gladys Dunn"
The newcomer replied, "Me too. This is the longest service I have ever attended."
Now that I am safely retired, I can remind myself of soem of the nicknames my former colleagues picked up , and why. Some examples:
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past;
"Noodles" - thinks all jobs take 2 minutes;
"G-spot" - you can never find him;
"Wheelbarrow" - only works when he's pushed.
In a village not far from here, there was a man named Robert Slater who was nicknamed "Heidfirst" (Head first) because Head First R. Slater. (Head first, arse later).
Our pet hamster had a nasty accident with a food blender and I regretfully poured her remains on the garden. I was astonished later that year to see this patch of ground alive with narcissi-type floweres. My wife, who knows about these things, merely remarked, "Have you never heard, "Tulips from hamster jam?"
Comments
A lab-rador!
(I made this joke up and ChatGPT successfully came up with the answer...)
It was less good at composing jokes of its own, e.g.
Why did the hamster go to the doctor?
Because it was running on a wheel!
Now, they are tenants, living together.
Don't get this.
I think that was the point
Ah, I see.
Because they’re hill areas.
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past;
"Noodles" - thinks all jobs take 2 minutes;
"G-spot" - you can never find him;
"Wheelbarrow" - only works when he's pushed.
Doctor, doctor, I keep singing “The green, green grass of home “
Dr.: I think you’ve got Tom Jones syndrome.
Is it common?
Dr.: It’s not unusual.
Rubbit!
(love those nicknames, Tukai!)
There's this shop in this village - only one for some miles, so it sells everything.
It's run by this guy who can sell sand to desert nomads. Boots to mermaids. He's amazing.
But he's getting on a bit, so he takes on an apprentice.
"Watch me" he says to this pimply-faced youth "and see how I do it."
This chap walks in
"A box of grass seed, please" he says
"Large box sir?" replies the salesman
"Not sure" says the customer
"Well, it's much cheaper per kilo that way. Bit of a rip off the amount they want for these small boxes, to tell the truth. And you'll need more than you think, and then there's patching."
"OK" says the customer, "I'll have the large box"
As the customer is about to pay, the salesman says "You'll need a lawnmower sir"
"A lawnmower?"
"Yep. Grass grows, you get a lawn, need to mow it."
"You're quite right" replies the customer
And to cut a long crap joke a little shorter, he ends up buying a lawnmower.
"There you go" he says to his protegé "Comes in for a £1.50 box of grass seed, goes out with £500 lawnmower. And that is the secret of my success. Upsell. Upsell big. Now, you server the next customer."
A few minutes later, this middle aged man wonders in looking a bit embarrassed. He comes to the counter and says "A box of..... tampax please", turning a bit red.
"Tampax sir? Large box? Maximum absorbancy?"
"Erm - I don't know!"
"Well, better safe than sorry sir. Might be a heavy flow. Best go with the bumper pack. Much cheaper per unit!"
"OK, OK, Whatever!" the man says, clearly uncomfortable having to make this purchase.
As the guy is about to pay, the apprentice says "You'll need a lawnmower sir!"
"A LAWNMOWER?!?!?!" replies the customer in confusion.
"Yes sir. Your weekend's buggered; you might as well cut the grass!"
On the other hand I did get the following exchange:
TQT: Why was the little Egytpian sarcophagus sad?
GPT: Because it was all coffin!
TQT: That's very good! But I was thinking: "because it had lost its mummy!"
GPT: Ha! That's a good one! We both have a knack for writing sarcophagus jokes!
“That’s amazing” said the farmer.” Are you an angel?”
“No” said the old lady. “I’m Thora Hird”
We had such a store in the town I grew up in. Their motto: If we don't have it, you don't need it.
What made that an even worse joke was that a minister used it to open a sermon yesterday, and somehow got from there to the beatitudes. The service was livestreamed and on TV, so there'll likely be some feedback.
Eventually this tired old routine works (well, it was 954 and it was a new strategy then, pioneered by lads tiring of the Club 18-30 Viking Grand Tour of England and northern France) and he cops off with a flaxen-haired not going to be a maiden for very long and the two head back to her roundhouse.
A remarkably good time is had by both, owing not least to Thor's stamina and the fact that no-one's brought tobacco back from the Americas yet so they haven't invented the post-coital fag so don't know to stop. Eventually, however, after many hours and absolutely no sleep, quite literally shagged out they collapse panting.
At this point Thor realises that his new friend might be pregnant with a demigod, so he comes clean
"I'm Thor!" he announces.
"You're Thor?" she replies. "Well, I can't even bear to pith!"
Should I get my coat?
This must be the name of a famous person?
His American nephew wanted to know what it was like in Norway.
The old fisherman replied, "In the summer, we f#ck and fish,"
The nephew asks, "Well, what do you do in the winter?"
"Too cold to fish."
I'll show myself out.
My dogs got no nose .....
But by lunchtime she is looking very sad and disappointed.
"What's the matter darling?"
"I was hoping to see that bunch of clowns you said you worked with"
Answer: Pilgrims.
I thought this one was going to be the rhyme:
In days of yore the God of War rode out on his favourite filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried; the horse replied
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly."
Cloisters on the half shell.
Especially as May is autumn in the Antipodes
p.s. i just made this up, i'm on fire
She is on the altar guild.
She is a lay reader.
She participates in the choir.
She will substitute as the organist.
She really likes to greet new people at the end of service.
One Sunday she spotted a newcomer trying to sneak out the door after worship. She went to the newcomer, stuck out her hand, and said. "Hello. I am Gladys Dunn"
The newcomer replied, "Me too. This is the longest service I have ever attended."
Because it's bear rock.
In a village not far from here, there was a man named Robert Slater who was nicknamed "Heidfirst" (Head first) because Head First R. Slater. (Head first, arse later).
Doctor says "we're going digital now - how do you prefer to be connected?"
Rabbit says "WhatsApp, Doc"
A. The river bank, of course!