So there's Noah, sending the last of the animals out of the ark, when he sees two sad looking snakes. "What's wrong?" he asks, "I told you to go forth and multiply!" "We can't", says one of the snakes, "We're adders".
So there's Noah, sending the last of the animals out of the ark, when he sees two sad looking snakes. "What's wrong?" he asks, "I told you to go forth and multiply!" "We can't", says one of the snakes, "We're adders".
So the Lord said unto Noah, "Build thou a log table for mine adders". Said Noah unto the Lord, "Why must I build a log table for thine adders?. The Lord sigheth and answereth, "Because, using a log table, thou canst multiply by adding".
I am determined to lose weight so I have started the Bon Jovi diet.
I am only allowed to eat fruit. I am living on a pear.
Can this one be explained? I know not Bon Jovi nor his (or her) songs. Sorry!
That is actually quite an achievement. Bon Jovi is a beat combo playing music derived ultimately from the Blues via Rock and Roll, largely guitar driven, with the distinctive features of an overdriven guitar sound, virtuosity in guitar playing, it featuring regularly in a prominent position providing a melodic instrumental interlude, and dramatic vocals displaying a wide vocal range especially in the higher register.
One of their biggest hits was "Living on a Prayer", exploring the difficulties of a young couple negotiating blue collar life in the USA.
So there's Noah, sending the last of the animals out of the ark, when he sees two sad looking snakes. "What's wrong?" he asks, "I told you to go forth and multiply!" "We can't", says one of the snakes, "We're adders".
So the Lord said unto Noah, "Build thou a log table for mine adders". Said Noah unto the Lord, "Why must I build a log table for thine adders?. The Lord sigheth and answereth, "Because, using a log table, thou canst multiply by adding".
My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation....... After three days, the water ran out and I started drinking my own urine...... After another three days I could no longer recycle my urine and realised I was out of options. I had to accept the inevitability of the situation so I had to open some of the Fosters I was delivering...............
My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation....... After three days, the water ran out and I started drinking my own urine...... After another three days I could no longer recycle my urine and realised I was out of options. I had to accept the inevitability of the situation so I had to open some of the Fosters I was delivering...............
My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation....... After three days, the water ran out and I started drinking my own urine...... After another three days I could no longer recycle my urine and realised I was out of options. I had to accept the inevitability of the situation so I had to open some of the Fosters I was delivering...............
An Englishman goes into a Starbucks in Scotland, and asks for a latte with oat milk. The lad behind the counter, confused, says, "Sir, I cannae mak a latte wi'o't milk."
An Englishman goes into a Starbucks in Scotland, and asks for a latte with oat milk. The lad behind the counter, confused, says, "Sir, I cannae mak a latte wi'o't milk."
Just splendid. Note to hosts: please remind posters this is for bad jokes.
jedijudy-Heaven Host laughing at all these jokes.
I have a reputation in my family for being a terrible punster and Dad jokester!
I just wish I could remember all of these to add something to my list of four jokes.
I can claim credit for inventing this one, though I can't vouch for whether it is bad enough to qualify:
Did you know Dire Straits wrote an Easter song?
Bunnies for Nothing (and your Chicks for Free)
Apparently, there was some talk that Dire Straits should team up with Chris Rea to form a 'super group'. The only problem was that they would be called 'Dire-Rea'.
I can claim credit for inventing this one, though I can't vouch for whether it is bad enough to qualify:
Did you know Dire Straits wrote an Easter song?
Bunnies for Nothing (and your Chicks for Free)
Apparently, there was some talk that Dire Straits should team up with Chris Rea to form a 'super group'. The only problem was that they would be called 'Dire-Rea'.
If they performed it would be like money for nothing
I can claim credit for inventing this one, though I can't vouch for whether it is bad enough to qualify:
Did you know Dire Straits wrote an Easter song?
Bunnies for Nothing (and your Chicks for Free)
Apparently, there was some talk that Dire Straits should team up with Chris Rea to form a 'super group'. The only problem was that they would be called 'Dire-Rea'.
As I posted earlier on this thread, the proper way to deliver that joke is:
I can claim credit for inventing this one, though I can't vouch for whether it is bad enough to qualify:
Did you know Dire Straits wrote an Easter song?
Bunnies for Nothing (and your Chicks for Free)
Apparently, there was some talk that Dire Straits should team up with Chris Rea to form a 'super group'. The only problem was that they would be called 'Dire-Rea'.
As I posted earlier on this thread, the proper way to deliver that joke is:
They would be called...
Chris Straits.
Hmmm ... I take your point, but my version works well in company. In print yours may be prefferable.
I was reminded of this by something in the "Mary Magdalene" thread. Some US churches have women's circles, named after Biblical women. So:
Eve circle: women who like fruit
Martha/Leah circle: older sisters
Mary/Rachel circle: younger sisters
Sarah/Elizabeth circle: older mothers
Bathsheba circle: women who like baths
Naomi circle: mothers-in-law
Ruth circle: daughters-in law
Salome circle: women who like to dance
Jezebel circle: women who like to wear makeup
Invent your own. I don't have one for Mrs. Job or Mrs. Lot.
I can claim credit for inventing this one, though I can't vouch for whether it is bad enough to qualify:
Did you know Dire Straits wrote an Easter song?
Bunnies for Nothing (and your Chicks for Free)
Apparently, there was some talk that Dire Straits should team up with Chris Rea to form a 'super group'. The only problem was that they would be called 'Dire-Rea'.
As it is, they reformed with only some of their members. They are no longe Dire Straits, they are just Dire.
Olaf, the Viking, goes into a grocery store.
As he is shopping he comes across an elderly woman in a wheelchair almost in tears.
What's the matter? asks Olaf.
Oh, I so wanted to look at the frozen puddings; but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chillers that I cannot get down, says the woman.
No problem, says Olaf. I will take you.
He picks her up, puts her on his back and takes her into the freezer
She picks out three puddings and puts them into the hand cart Olaf is carrying.
He takes her back to her wheelchair where her husband is waiting for her.
The woman turns to her helper and says, Thank you, but I do not even know your name.
Olaf just smiles, waves his hand, and walks away.
The husband says to his wife, I was worried about you, where have you been.
The women replies: I have been though the desserts on a Norse with no name.
As we are into puns, can I share an (allegedly) true C S Lewis story? He and the Portuguese ambassador were seated next to each other at a very posh college dinner. There were many, many courses. The ambassador turning to Lewis, remarked, "I feel like a Culinary Christopher Columbus". "Don't you mean a Vascular Di Gama?" Lewis replied.
As we are into puns, can I share an (allegedly) true C S Lewis story? He and the Portuguese ambassador were seated next to each other at a very posh college dinner. There were many, many courses. The ambassador turning to Lewis, remarked, "I feel like a Culinary Christopher Columbus". "Don't you mean a Vascular Di Gama?" Lewis replied.
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So there's Noah, sending the last of the animals out of the ark, when he sees two sad looking snakes. "What's wrong?" he asks, "I told you to go forth and multiply!" "We can't", says one of the snakes, "We're adders".
So the Lord said unto Noah, "Build thou a log table for mine adders". Said Noah unto the Lord, "Why must I build a log table for thine adders?. The Lord sigheth and answereth, "Because, using a log table, thou canst multiply by adding".
Boom boom!
That is actually quite an achievement. Bon Jovi is a beat combo playing music derived ultimately from the Blues via Rock and Roll, largely guitar driven, with the distinctive features of an overdriven guitar sound, virtuosity in guitar playing, it featuring regularly in a prominent position providing a melodic instrumental interlude, and dramatic vocals displaying a wide vocal range especially in the higher register.
One of their biggest hits was "Living on a Prayer", exploring the difficulties of a young couple negotiating blue collar life in the USA.
I'm stealing that one.
They are always Inca hoots.
Basically, English is where a bunch of Vikings learned Latin so they could shout at the Germans while in battle.
Yep, really bad joke because English is at root a Germanic language.
This doesn't even make sense, let alone a joke.
Make the last one Vikings and it's close to accurate.
"I was told these knickers were satin". "Well take them back and get a new pair".
Both 'jokes' courtesy of two Waitrose cards I read whilst Mrs RR was choosing yoghurt.
Don't worry, the wurst has already happened.
What's it called when you exchange a seabird for a German sausage?
Taking a tern for the wurst.
Mrs. Gramps says this one is, well, the worst.
To see his flatmate
Nah. It was to prove he had guts.
Makes me think of this Not the Nine O'Clock News sketch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxBMokW8VZI
That is brilliant. The ending - as so often with their sketches - is a killer punch.
Just splendid. Note to hosts: please remind posters this is for bad jokes.
I have a reputation in my family for being a terrible punster and Dad jokester!
I just wish I could remember all of these to add something to my list of four jokes.
Kid: What's that got to do with anything?
Mom: It's pasture bedtime.
Did you know Dire Straits wrote an Easter song?
Bunnies for Nothing (and your Chicks for Free)
What sort of bird comes wrapped in pastry?
A pied wagtail!
Apparently, there was some talk that Dire Straits should team up with Chris Rea to form a 'super group'. The only problem was that they would be called 'Dire-Rea'.
If they performed it would be like money for nothing
As I posted earlier on this thread, the proper way to deliver that joke is:
They would be called...
Chris Straits.
Hmmm ... I take your point, but my version works well in company. In print yours may be prefferable.
Because it's much easier to brush your teeth with a toothbrush.
Eve circle: women who like fruit
Martha/Leah circle: older sisters
Mary/Rachel circle: younger sisters
Sarah/Elizabeth circle: older mothers
Bathsheba circle: women who like baths
Naomi circle: mothers-in-law
Ruth circle: daughters-in law
Salome circle: women who like to dance
Jezebel circle: women who like to wear makeup
Invent your own. I don't have one for Mrs. Job or Mrs. Lot.
Judith circle: Women who like camping.
As it is, they reformed with only some of their members. They are no longe Dire Straits, they are just Dire.
Bartender notices the accent and asks: "What brings you to Canada?"
Irishman says: "I was in having a drink in Dublin, and I notice the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry' so I decided to give it a shot."
As he is shopping he comes across an elderly woman in a wheelchair almost in tears.
What's the matter? asks Olaf.
Oh, I so wanted to look at the frozen puddings; but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chillers that I cannot get down, says the woman.
No problem, says Olaf. I will take you.
He picks her up, puts her on his back and takes her into the freezer
She picks out three puddings and puts them into the hand cart Olaf is carrying.
He takes her back to her wheelchair where her husband is waiting for her.
The woman turns to her helper and says, Thank you, but I do not even know your name.
Olaf just smiles, waves his hand, and walks away.
The husband says to his wife, I was worried about you, where have you been.
The women replies: I have been though the desserts on a Norse with no name.
Nice.
You'll have to explain that one.