Bad jokes

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  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    edited September 2022
    A hedgehog woke up in the jungle one morning with a thumping hangover. It must have been quite a session, as he had no idea how he ended up in a jungle.

    Anyway, he looked down and saw that his willy was missing, so he went off in search of it.

    After a few minutes, he met an antelope. “Excuse me” said the hedgehog “have you seen my willy? It’s quite distinctive as it has four spines sticking out of it”

    “Sorry” said the antelope “I’ve not seen anything like that”

    A few minutes later he came across a giraffe.

    “Excuse me” he said “have you seen my willy? It’s quite distinctive as it has four spines sticking out of it”

    “Sorry” said the giraffe “I’ve not seen anything like that”

    A bit further on, he looked up and saw a jaguar sitting in a tree.

    “Excuse me” he said “have you seen my willy? It’s quite distinctive as it has four spines sticking out of it”

    “Yes” said the jaguar “I’ve seen it. In fact I ate it”
    “Why did you do that?” asked the hedgehog.
    “Well” said the jaguar “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar”
  • Two goldfish in a tank. One says "I don’t know about you but I haven't a clue how to drive this thing!"
  • An Imam, a Parson and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The Scotsman says "I'm sorry, I seem to be in the wrong joke!"
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    mousethief wrote: »
    Although Hitler was an Austrian, not a German.

    Of course the Nazis didn't make that distinction.
  • Man walks into a bar.

    He was lucky though and didn't end up with concussion.
  • The only thing worse than finding a worm in an apple is
    being wired to the mains by the nipples and beaten with a knotted rope
  • Gee DGee D Shipmate
    edited September 2022
    mousethief wrote: »
    Although Hitler was an Austrian, not a German.

    Of course the Nazis didn't make that distinction.

    In fact, the Anschluss largely did away with it,
    KarlLB wrote: »
    The only thing worse than finding a worm in an apple is
    being wired to the mains by the nipples and beaten with a knotted rope

    I'm glad to say that I can't make that comparison.
  • mousethief wrote: »
    Although Hitler was an Austrian, not a German.

    That is as it may be but he joined a Bavarian regiment in WW1 and was awarded the Iron Cross ( class 2) for his service.

  • A elephant and a mouse met in a jungle clearing. The Elephant looked down and said, " Why am I so big, strong and powerful and you are so small weak and insignificant?" The mouse looked up and said, "I haven't been very well"
  • Never mind Telford, just enjoy the joke. I put the trigger warning in jusr because rhey seem to be fashionable, and so many people seem to find so many improbable things offensive these days.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    edited September 2022
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a pub. The barman said “is this some sort of joke?”
  • Did you hear about the American lawyer who took a woman's divorce case for sexual favors?
    He lost the case.
    She sued him for substandard performance.

    Lifted for John Grisham's Homecoming New York: Doubleday 2022
  • These 4 actors, famous for playing action heroes were having a drink together. One of them suggested that they called themselves famous composers.
    Jean-Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven. Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Tchaikovsky. Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be Mozart. Arnold Schwarzenegger said, " No. I'm not saying it"
  • Telford wrote: »
    These 4 actors, famous for playing action heroes were having a drink together. One of them suggested that they called themselves famous composers.
    Jean-Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven. Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Tchaikovsky. Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be Mozart. Arnold Schwarzenegger said, " No. I'm not saying it"

    Weber?
  • "I'll be Bach"?
    I think Telford should confine himseld in future to bad jokes. This is about the third cracker he's shared.
  • MooMoo Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Have you heard about the cat that ate cheese and sat by the mouse-hole with baited breath.
  • Only if he'd eaten Camembert.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    edited September 2022
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    "I'll be Bach"?
    I think Telford should confine himseld in future to bad jokes. This is about the third cracker he's shared.

    I knew that. I bet my "wrong" answer got a laugh from some people. In truth, I meant Wagner.
  • Wagner, not Weber? Ah, you meant that makes sense. So easy to get those two dudes mixed up. At our church service this w/e I confused Bruckner with Elgar. Oh, the shame!
  • A soldier a sailor and an airmangot into a car. Who drove?
    The soldier, because he had the Khaki.
  • Friday, I bicycled to the liquor store to buy a bottle of Scotch. When I put it in the basket, I got to thinking if I would crash the bottle would break. I decided to drink it. Good thing I did because I crashed seven times on the way home.
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    Friday, I bicycled to the liquor store to buy a bottle of Scotch. When I put it in the basket, I got to thinking if I would crash the bottle would break. I decided to drink it. Good thing I did because I crashed seven times on the way home.
    My sort of humour.

  • On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw breadcrumbs into the water to symbolize throwing away their sins of the past year.
    Here are some suggestions for which type of bread is appropriate for specific sins:
    For ordinary sins - White Bread
    For erotic sins - French Bread
    For dark sins - Pumpernickel
    For complex sins - Multi-Grain
    For twisted sins - Pretzels
    For tasteless sins - Rice Cakes
    For sins committed in haste - Matzoh
    For sins of chutzpah - Fresh Bread
    For substance abuse - Stoned Wheat
    For use of heavy drugs - Poppy Seed
    For auto theft - Caraway
    For ill-temperedness - Sourdough
    For eccentricity - Nut Bread
    For extreme eccentricity - Banana Nut Bread
    For not giving full value - Shortbread
    For excessive irony - Rye Bread
    For unnecessary chances - Hero
    For telling dad jokes - Corn Bread
    For war-mongering - Kaiser Rolls
    For promiscuity - Hot Buns
    For promiscuity with Christians - Hot Cross Buns,
    For racism - Crackers
    For sophisticated racism - Ritz Crackers
    For being holier than thou - Bagels
    For dropping in without notice - Popovers
    For overeating - Stuffing
    For raising your voice - Challah
    For egotism - Puff Pastry
    For ass-kissing - Brownies
    For being overly smothering - Angel Food cake
    For wild youth - Oat bread
    For stinginess - Crumbs
    For unfaithfulness - Turnovers
    For sins of omission - Naan
    For masochism - Pain de mie
    For humor at the expense of others - Laffa
    Shana Tova to all who celebrate
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    What is brown and sticky?

    A stick.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

    A stick
  • From my misspent youth:
    Where did Hitler keep his armies?
    Up his sleevies.
    And a really bad one, on several levels, which may well get me banned. (Host, feel free to veto it if you wish, as unfit for Heaven. Those were unenlightened days):
    'President Amin, what are you going to do about defence?'
    'De man is coming to fix it in de morning.'
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    No eye deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
    Still no eye deer.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    What do you call a pig with three eyes?

    Piiig.
  • From the local radio station:

    Did you know that Peruvian owls hunt in pairs?
    They're in cahoots!
  • Meanwhile a fish with no eyes is of course a fsh.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    A woman went into a pub and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Spike wrote: »
    A woman went into a pub and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.
    Isn't that too clever to qualify? I've not heard it before, and I think that's rather a good joke.

  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited October 2022
    Two nuns in a bath. One says "Where's the soap?"
    The other one says "yes, it does, doesn’t it?"
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited October 2022
    Enoch wrote: »
    Spike wrote: »
    A woman went into a pub and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.
    Isn't that too clever to qualify? I've not heard it before, and I think that's rather a good joke.

    I just ran it past Boy #2 and he confirmed it was definitely a bad joke as required by the thread.
  • DoublethinkDoublethink Admin, 8th Day Host
    Three lesbians walk into a bar, the first says “Hurray ! We’ve colonised a male dominated joke format”

    (Bill Bailey)
  • Enoch wrote: »
    Spike wrote: »
    A woman went into a pub and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.
    Isn't that too clever to qualify? I've not heard it before, and I think that's rather a good joke.

    It is funny, but it is also quite old which seems to make it qualify.
  • In the 1700s Benjamin Franklin approached several companies about his ideas on electricity.
    They told him to go fly a kite.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    The famous researcher Professor Shinken-Outtaze-Bocks has been studying spiders for the past three years and presents the findings at a prestigious conference.

    "I have been training this spider to respond to my every command!" pronounces the Professor. "Observe!".

    The spider is placed on a smooth white table.

    "Go forwards spider!" says the Professor. And to the astonishment of all, the spider does indeed move forwards. "Stop, Spider!" And the spider stops.

    "Go sideways spider!" And the spider moves sideways. "Stop Spider!" And the spider stops.

    "Go backwards spider!" And the spider moves backwards. "Stop Spider!" And the spider stops.

    Vast applause!

    "BUT WAIT!" shouts the Professor. "This is only the beginning!"

    And the Professor takes a pair of scissors and cuts off all the spider's legs.

    The spider is placed on the table again.

    "Go forwards spider!" says the Professor. But the spider doesn't move.

    "Go sideways spider!" says the Professor. But the spider still doesn't move.

    "Go backwards spider!" says the Professor. But the spider still doesn't move.

    In the silence that follows the Professor strides forwards confidently.

    "I have conclusively demonstrated! That when you cut off all a spider's legs - it goes COMPLETELY DEAF!"
  • What's purple and hums?
    An electric prune
    What's orange and writes?
    A ball point carrot
  • I was born with four kidneys.

    Later on two of them became adult knees.
  • Two of my favorite bad jokes:

    What's it called when you trade a seabird for a sausage?
    Taking a tern for the wurst.

    Do you like Kipling?
    I don't know, I've never kipled.
  • Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns are useless.
  • Q. Do you smoke after sex?

    A. I don't know, I've never looked.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

    Wherever you left it.
  • Gee DGee D Shipmate
    Sparrow wrote: »
    Q. Do you smoke after sex?

    A. I don't know, I've never looked.

    That one's receiving the OAP.
  • My friend, David, just lost his ID.

    Now he is known as Dav.
  • Yesterday I ate my clock.
    It was very time consuming,
    Especially when I went back for seconds.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Yesterday I ate my clock.
    It was very time consuming,
    Especially when I went back for seconds.

    Very good!
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    Yesterday I ate my clock.
    It was very time consuming,
    Especially when I went back for seconds.

    Very good!

    That's good at being bad, I presume.
  • The invisible man found an invisible woman to marry. Their kids are nothing to look at.
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