A hedgehog woke up in the jungle one morning with a thumping hangover. It must have been quite a session, as he had no idea how he ended up in a jungle.
Anyway, he looked down and saw that his willy was missing, so he went off in search of it.
After a few minutes, he met an antelope. “Excuse me” said the hedgehog “have you seen my willy? It’s quite distinctive as it has four spines sticking out of it”
“Sorry” said the antelope “I’ve not seen anything like that”
A few minutes later he came across a giraffe.
“Excuse me” he said “have you seen my willy? It’s quite distinctive as it has four spines sticking out of it”
“Sorry” said the giraffe “I’ve not seen anything like that”
A bit further on, he looked up and saw a jaguar sitting in a tree.
“Excuse me” he said “have you seen my willy? It’s quite distinctive as it has four spines sticking out of it”
“Yes” said the jaguar “I’ve seen it. In fact I ate it”
“Why did you do that?” asked the hedgehog.
“Well” said the jaguar “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar”
A elephant and a mouse met in a jungle clearing. The Elephant looked down and said, " Why am I so big, strong and powerful and you are so small weak and insignificant?" The mouse looked up and said, "I haven't been very well"
Never mind Telford, just enjoy the joke. I put the trigger warning in jusr because rhey seem to be fashionable, and so many people seem to find so many improbable things offensive these days.
These 4 actors, famous for playing action heroes were having a drink together. One of them suggested that they called themselves famous composers.
Jean-Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven. Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Tchaikovsky. Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be Mozart. Arnold Schwarzenegger said, " No. I'm not saying it"
These 4 actors, famous for playing action heroes were having a drink together. One of them suggested that they called themselves famous composers.
Jean-Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven. Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Tchaikovsky. Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be Mozart. Arnold Schwarzenegger said, " No. I'm not saying it"
Wagner, not Weber? Ah, you meant that makes sense. So easy to get those two dudes mixed up. At our church service this w/e I confused Bruckner with Elgar. Oh, the shame!
Friday, I bicycled to the liquor store to buy a bottle of Scotch. When I put it in the basket, I got to thinking if I would crash the bottle would break. I decided to drink it. Good thing I did because I crashed seven times on the way home.
Friday, I bicycled to the liquor store to buy a bottle of Scotch. When I put it in the basket, I got to thinking if I would crash the bottle would break. I decided to drink it. Good thing I did because I crashed seven times on the way home.
On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw breadcrumbs into the water to symbolize throwing away their sins of the past year.
Here are some suggestions for which type of bread is appropriate for specific sins:
For ordinary sins - White Bread
For erotic sins - French Bread
For dark sins - Pumpernickel
For complex sins - Multi-Grain
For twisted sins - Pretzels
For tasteless sins - Rice Cakes
For sins committed in haste - Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah - Fresh Bread
For substance abuse - Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs - Poppy Seed
For auto theft - Caraway
For ill-temperedness - Sourdough
For eccentricity - Nut Bread
For extreme eccentricity - Banana Nut Bread
For not giving full value - Shortbread
For excessive irony - Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances - Hero
For telling dad jokes - Corn Bread
For war-mongering - Kaiser Rolls
For promiscuity - Hot Buns
For promiscuity with Christians - Hot Cross Buns,
For racism - Crackers
For sophisticated racism - Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou - Bagels
For dropping in without notice - Popovers
For overeating - Stuffing
For raising your voice - Challah
For egotism - Puff Pastry
For ass-kissing - Brownies
For being overly smothering - Angel Food cake
For wild youth - Oat bread
For stinginess - Crumbs
For unfaithfulness - Turnovers
For sins of omission - Naan
For masochism - Pain de mie
For humor at the expense of others - Laffa
Shana Tova to all who celebrate
From my misspent youth:
Where did Hitler keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
And a really bad one, on several levels, which may well get me banned. (Host, feel free to veto it if you wish, as unfit for Heaven. Those were unenlightened days):
'President Amin, what are you going to do about defence?'
'De man is coming to fix it in de morning.'
The famous researcher Professor Shinken-Outtaze-Bocks has been studying spiders for the past three years and presents the findings at a prestigious conference.
"I have been training this spider to respond to my every command!" pronounces the Professor. "Observe!".
The spider is placed on a smooth white table.
"Go forwards spider!" says the Professor. And to the astonishment of all, the spider does indeed move forwards. "Stop, Spider!" And the spider stops.
"Go sideways spider!" And the spider moves sideways. "Stop Spider!" And the spider stops.
"Go backwards spider!" And the spider moves backwards. "Stop Spider!" And the spider stops.
Vast applause!
"BUT WAIT!" shouts the Professor. "This is only the beginning!"
And the Professor takes a pair of scissors and cuts off all the spider's legs.
The spider is placed on the table again.
"Go forwards spider!" says the Professor. But the spider doesn't move.
"Go sideways spider!" says the Professor. But the spider still doesn't move.
"Go backwards spider!" says the Professor. But the spider still doesn't move.
In the silence that follows the Professor strides forwards confidently.
"I have conclusively demonstrated! That when you cut off all a spider's legs - it goes COMPLETELY DEAF!"
Comments
Anyway, he looked down and saw that his willy was missing, so he went off in search of it.
After a few minutes, he met an antelope. “Excuse me” said the hedgehog “have you seen my willy? It’s quite distinctive as it has four spines sticking out of it”
“Sorry” said the antelope “I’ve not seen anything like that”
A few minutes later he came across a giraffe.
“Excuse me” he said “have you seen my willy? It’s quite distinctive as it has four spines sticking out of it”
“Sorry” said the giraffe “I’ve not seen anything like that”
A bit further on, he looked up and saw a jaguar sitting in a tree.
“Excuse me” he said “have you seen my willy? It’s quite distinctive as it has four spines sticking out of it”
“Yes” said the jaguar “I’ve seen it. In fact I ate it”
“Why did you do that?” asked the hedgehog.
“Well” said the jaguar “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar”
Of course the Nazis didn't make that distinction.
He was lucky though and didn't end up with concussion.
In fact, the Anschluss largely did away with it,
I'm glad to say that I can't make that comparison.
That is as it may be but he joined a Bavarian regiment in WW1 and was awarded the Iron Cross ( class 2) for his service.
Lifted for John Grisham's Homecoming New York: Doubleday 2022
Jean-Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven. Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Tchaikovsky. Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be Mozart. Arnold Schwarzenegger said, " No. I'm not saying it"
Weber?
I think Telford should confine himseld in future to bad jokes. This is about the third cracker he's shared.
I knew that. I bet my "wrong" answer got a laugh from some people. In truth, I meant Wagner.
The soldier, because he had the Khaki.
On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw breadcrumbs into the water to symbolize throwing away their sins of the past year.
Here are some suggestions for which type of bread is appropriate for specific sins:
For ordinary sins - White Bread
For erotic sins - French Bread
For dark sins - Pumpernickel
For complex sins - Multi-Grain
For twisted sins - Pretzels
For tasteless sins - Rice Cakes
For sins committed in haste - Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah - Fresh Bread
For substance abuse - Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs - Poppy Seed
For auto theft - Caraway
For ill-temperedness - Sourdough
For eccentricity - Nut Bread
For extreme eccentricity - Banana Nut Bread
For not giving full value - Shortbread
For excessive irony - Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances - Hero
For telling dad jokes - Corn Bread
For war-mongering - Kaiser Rolls
For promiscuity - Hot Buns
For promiscuity with Christians - Hot Cross Buns,
For racism - Crackers
For sophisticated racism - Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou - Bagels
For dropping in without notice - Popovers
For overeating - Stuffing
For raising your voice - Challah
For egotism - Puff Pastry
For ass-kissing - Brownies
For being overly smothering - Angel Food cake
For wild youth - Oat bread
For stinginess - Crumbs
For unfaithfulness - Turnovers
For sins of omission - Naan
For masochism - Pain de mie
For humor at the expense of others - Laffa
Shana Tova to all who celebrate
A stick.
A stick
Where did Hitler keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
And a really bad one, on several levels, which may well get me banned. (Host, feel free to veto it if you wish, as unfit for Heaven. Those were unenlightened days):
'President Amin, what are you going to do about defence?'
'De man is coming to fix it in de morning.'
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
Piiig.
Did you know that Peruvian owls hunt in pairs?
They're in cahoots!
The other one says "yes, it does, doesn’t it?"
I just ran it past Boy #2 and he confirmed it was definitely a bad joke as required by the thread.
(Bill Bailey)
It is funny, but it is also quite old which seems to make it qualify.
They told him to go fly a kite.
"I have been training this spider to respond to my every command!" pronounces the Professor. "Observe!".
The spider is placed on a smooth white table.
"Go forwards spider!" says the Professor. And to the astonishment of all, the spider does indeed move forwards. "Stop, Spider!" And the spider stops.
"Go sideways spider!" And the spider moves sideways. "Stop Spider!" And the spider stops.
"Go backwards spider!" And the spider moves backwards. "Stop Spider!" And the spider stops.
Vast applause!
"BUT WAIT!" shouts the Professor. "This is only the beginning!"
And the Professor takes a pair of scissors and cuts off all the spider's legs.
The spider is placed on the table again.
"Go forwards spider!" says the Professor. But the spider doesn't move.
"Go sideways spider!" says the Professor. But the spider still doesn't move.
"Go backwards spider!" says the Professor. But the spider still doesn't move.
In the silence that follows the Professor strides forwards confidently.
"I have conclusively demonstrated! That when you cut off all a spider's legs - it goes COMPLETELY DEAF!"
Later on two of them became adult knees.
What's it called when you trade a seabird for a sausage?
Taking a tern for the wurst.
Do you like Kipling?
I don't know, I've never kipled.
Because their horns are useless.
A. I don't know, I've never looked.
Wherever you left it.
That one's receiving the OAP.
Now he is known as Dav.
It was very time consuming,
Especially when I went back for seconds.
Very good!
That's good at being bad, I presume.